When you love...

Who knows, maybe I subconsciously start it.

My husband threw in my face yesterday how I did something bad to him to deflect his doing something bad to me. And the thing I did was an impulsive investment I made for us without first discussing it with him. That’s the worst thing I did that he never mentioned before and now uses it to justify? I don’t even remember it. I certainly never did anything like that again. This is the resentment he harbored that gave him permission to abuse me?

It’s like when he told me he withholds sex because he is angry I put the silverware back in the drawer not perfectly lined up.

Tish I haven't read all this thread, from your last couple of posts I am reading your husband withheld intimacy from you when he was angry. There may be more, has he abused you in other ways too?

I'm not sure I personally regard withholding intimacy as abuse, I may be wrong there, my husband does this to me too, but he does it when he is really angry and cannot express his anger (not for something petty like silverware). It's not healthy for sure, and definitely something to be worked on, but not sure if abuse in my case (it may be in yours, I am not judging)

I think when we love someone we often weather out some really rough patches, sometimes that means living with behaviour that is less than perfect, but no not putting up with abuse. If someone verbally or physically attacks you then that is absolutely not something to stick around for.

It all depends on whether a spouse is willing to change behaviour or not too. That goes for ourselves too.

Where there is abuse there is no REAL love. People may call what they think they feel "LOVE" but in reality if someone truly loves someone they will NOT be abusive or play games. Most people who do that in REALITY don't know what REAL love is & just because that is what they call it doesn't mean that is what it really is.

I know finally that there was NO LOVE in my marriage on either side. Found our he got married because it was what he was supposed to do after graduating college & for me, I lost respect for him 2 months before the wedding & that right there shot down any feeling of love I might have ever felt. I was more interested in getting my degree & having a career. Marriage was mire just like a business partnership & I blew off the red flags after tellung my mom I really wanted to cancel the wedding. I realize that all the things he did before & after the wedding just turned me off & I really wanted nothing to do with him but just keot teying to make it work....wuthout any love....but I was too busy with my own life to really bother with how bad it was on an emotional level....plus I grew up with totally disfunctilnal parents in an emotilnal level no had no idea what normal was to compare with.

But just be wise about what you are calling love....it may not really be love at all.

I think you are so right: 'normal' can sometimes be pretty bad, depending on who taught us what normal is...

I'm going all the way back to the original post, and replying to it.
I married her, after pregnancy came. She wasn't very nice to me, ever. I stayed anyway. I didn't belong there. The abuse got worse. Eventually, nearly two decades later, I could only see things being better by death, my own. I truly believed everything was my fault, as I had been told. While in hospital, a very young lady there explained to me that it was abuse and that I didn't deserve it. I found some happiness after the divorce.
So, NO, don't stay anyway! You don't deserve it.

Was he throwing this in your face before this very real divorce was put into motion? From what you have told me, he has been assuming that you wouldn't go through with it. Even if it has to be done, it still may hurt him so much. Things get ugly and scary during divorce. If you are still certain that the best thing for you is to divorce him, I would limit conversations with him until the process is over. It is a highly emotional time for both of you but might settle down once it has finalized. My husband has told me if I ever divorce him, he will never speak to or see me ever again. I think he would really do this--I do not know what your husband would do. For some people, it is hard for them to remain friends. I hope you and your H do remain friends but you have no control over his reaction to the divorce. Look inside your heart to figure out what is best for you. We can only control our own actions and reactions--if his actions (the pattern he consistently displays--not mistakes or irritability) are untenable then your divorce is the right thing. Try not to let people's emotions sway you--use the experiences you have had with your H when there has been no outside influences. When I attempted, many people in my family (especially my brother and sister) wanted me to leave my husband because they blamed what I did on him but I played a large role in that bad decision and the dynamics were complex because of the family drama (our kids) that was occurring. It was all very confusing. Again, your situation is different but I worry that your mother and others might be making the dynamics of your marriage more complex.

Did he secretly harbor resentment for the thing he threw in my face? Well, yes, he must have, or he wouldn’t have said it. Or was it the only thing he could think of to use to throw in my face because he wanted to use my error as his justification? After all this time, I still don’t really know what is inside his head. Or I guess I do know, the truth is ‘yes’ both those things. If that’s the best he had to throw at me, I must be pretty darn good...

I wanted to feel bonded and as one with my SO. This harboring of anger only tore us apart.

this keeps bonding from happening also. Always trying to sort out where they are coming from does not create a good environment for a relationship.

Dang, I have a lawyer in my state, a lawyer in the state I was married in & where all our marriage assets in, a RE agent & a cash buyer for the home who can't figure out where in the world my soon-to-be X-H is coming from. Good to know it wasn't JUST me. They have NEVER experienced anyone like him before. He won't communicate with any of them.

You may be experiencing something similar

(((Tishabuv)))I have no advice. Just hugs.

Uggh! Is there any way to undo this divorce? Can I take him back and lead a happy life with him? I am having horrible guilt and doubt. I don’t want to keep doing the back/forth thing, the push/pull thing of BPD that I am suspected of...but...

Today our son is graduating college and the whole family is here. We are all going together. This is super hard. I want to fix the marriage. I want to end the problems.

Argh!!!!!!

Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I pushed away, making him prove his love, until I found where he did not love me and was hurtful to me, so that ‘proved’ he did not really love me. If you test someone, they will eventually fail, right?

BTW— I took a look at the offerings on a dating site and that always triggers me to run back to my husband. Dear God, do I have to start dating some new guy who doesn’t turn me on and irritates the crap out of me? No thanks.

I am so upset with myself for not just being able to deal with my h, look the other way, find others to fulfill me, whatever works.

Yes, I have been 100% happier in these past few months. I am not crying or depressed any more. I just need to focus on that. Baby steps.

Tough one. I never had the desire to go back to my husband. Our marriage was dead from the beginning so I have not gone tgrough any guilt or regrets leaving & wiuldn't have even before I finally left.....but there was no love in the marriage to have ever based the relationship on & there never was a good relationship. There were good times but those were NEVER because of our good relationship. My memory goes back to the events but he is only on the periphery (totally in the shadows) of what made it a good time.

The thing is that no matter what the reason (yiu ir him) that you can't deal & become totally unhappy around him, you are only making you, but him miserable & leaving is the best option since yiu haven't been able to resolve the priblem by this point.

Who knows what the future holds? For me the last 11 years of living alone have told me that alone us wonderful (yes still legally married until this mess of a divorce & marriage assets battle is over)....but not about to get back into any relationship any time soon....have friends & activities filling my life & much more rewarding than a relationship so seems point if view may help. I am less lonely now (alone) than I was in my marriage.

Hope you can sort through your thoughts so you can feel peace with your decision.