[Nemii]

Me and my Husband have been having some communication problems since we met, he is always defensive so no matter what I say he assumes I'm 'attacking' him, even if I ask him if he's going to bed. I know a lot has to do with 'tone' and body language but I don't believe I'm acting 'offensive.' I have walked around eggshells with this man for years. In the early days of our relationship there was a lot of abuse. Once I got pregnant that all stopped. He likes to say he was 'experimenting' with the abuse.
But now instead of physically abusing me, he drinks himself in a stupor and tells me I'm trash, I'm fat, I'm ugly, stupid, I should kill myself etc. And this is literally every other day. I'm assuming this will happen again tonight seeing as he's wanted liquor since yesterday and he never goes more then one day without freaking out on me.
Now I used to work full time and he would be drunk by 2pm and telling me he thinks I'm cheating, he hates me, blah blah. So I quit and he got a job and now he's angry with me for 'making him get a job' because he hates people so much.
I've asked him for a divorce, but he won't.
I feel like I'm going to loose whatever is left of my sanity if I don't have one day of him being happy. Theres so many other things I can't even bring myself to say because it hurts so badly. I'm loosing my grip and I want to run away.
I love him very much but I don't know what I love about him anymore. He doesn't love me, even sex is a chore.
He refuses to talk to me, even through text or phone, and he will freak out if I try to talk to him in person. I'm lost and so tired.
Is this just a phase? Is it normal in a marriage?
I'm so lost and no one to ask or to talk to about this.

[MickeyCheeky]

This is NOT normal in any way! I'm sorry you have to put up with him. Please, dump him as soon as you can. Do you have children?

[Nemii]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

This is NOT normal in any way! I'm sorry you have to put up with him. Please, dump him as soon as you can. Do you have children?

We have three kids together, and have been married for five years. I don't want to end my marriage but at the same time I'm fed up. I just want him to be happy... just for once. The minute he lays eyes on me I can see the anger, I know he hates me but he won't let me leave.
I keep praying that it's just a phase... that we'll be okay someday.

[crushed_soul]

I empathize tremendously with you, Nemii and wish for you and your children to be safe. I also wish for your relationship with your husband to change and improve.

The following is just my humble attempts to reinterpret information that I've spent countless hours reading and examining. In the writing, there are both opinions that are mine, others', and even what is generally agreed upon for claims on abuse, if change is possible for abusive behavior and so on.

Abuse in any form is not healthy interaction. Moreover, it is defined as "abuse" because it can be physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially and spiritually damaging (to many degrees, in many areas and in general,) crippling (to many degrees, in many areas and in general,) and fatal (literally death, whether suicide, murder and/or brokenhearted.)

You ask if "it is just a phase" and mention that the two of you have been married for five years. Has he been abusive with how ever much consistency throughout the five years? From what you've divulged thus far, his abuse does not seem like it is behavior from which he will change and that your relationship will no longer consist of abuse at a later point in history if the circumstances (which they are many) remain the same.

Unfortunately, and I mean extremely unfortunately, he will most likely not change his abusive behavior if the current circumstances continue. Whether he is of a personality disorder or not, his behavior is abusive. Unless he lacks components of the brain that allow him to change, curtail his abusive behavior and increase his lack of empathy, change is possible. In the context of change, the problem is how that change will be initiated and executed. Whether it is through therapy, self-realization, life changing event or another possibility, he might change; however, you, your children, (all of) your well beings are most important. Moreover, please, consider asking yourself if you and/or your children should stay as you are with him (in a relationship and so forth) as he may or may not change.

You have options right now to try to change your situation, whether it is contacting friends, family, the domestic abuse hotline, a doctor and others. Please, if you find yourself and/or your children to be physically in danger, do not ignore, underestimate or anything similarly this danger.

[Nemii]

Originally Posted by crushed_soul

I empathize tremendously with you, Nemii and wish for you and your children to be safe. I also wish for your relationship with your husband to change and improve.

The following is just my humble attempts to reinterpret information that I've spent countless hours reading and examining. In the writing, there are both opinions that are mine, others', and even what is generally agreed upon for claims on abuse, if change is possible for abusive behavior and so on.

Abuse in any form is not healthy interaction. Moreover, it is defined as "abuse" because it can be physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially and spiritually damaging (to many degrees, in many areas and in general,) crippling (to many degrees, in many areas and in general,) and fatal (literally death, whether suicide, murder and/or brokenhearted.)

You ask if "it is just a phase" and mention that the two of you have been married for five years. Has he been abusive with how ever much consistency throughout the five years? From what you've divulged thus far, his abuse does not seem like it is behavior from which he will change and that your relationship will no longer consist of abuse at a later point in history if the circumstances (which they are many) remain the same.

Unfortunately, and I mean extremely unfortunately, he will most likely not change his abusive behavior if the current circumstances continue. Whether he is of a personality disorder or not, his behavior is abusive. Unless he lacks components of the brain that allow him to change, curtail his abusive behavior and increase his lack of empathy, change is possible. In the context of change, the problem is how that change will be initiated and executed. Whether it is through therapy, self-realization, life changing event or another possibility, he might change; however, you, your children, (all of) your well beings are most important. Moreover, please, consider asking yourself if you and/or your children should stay as you are with him (in a relationship and so forth) as he may or may not change.

You have options right now to try to change your situation, whether it is contacting friends, family, the domestic abuse hotline, a doctor and others. Please, if you find yourself and/or your children to be physically in danger, do not ignore, underestimate or anything similarly this danger.

I want to run away sometimes, but he is a good father... he's just not a good husband. I know he'll use my mental illness against me. He's done it before, and I would die before I let anyone take my kids from me. I know it's bad but he has gotten better. I'd rather he knock me around then talk to me though. I guess it's just confusing.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Nemii

I want to run away sometimes, but he is a good father... he's just not a good husband. I know he'll use my mental illness against me. He's done it before, and I would die before I let anyone take my kids from me. I know it's bad but he has gotten better. I'd rather he knock me around then talk to me though. I guess it's just confusing.

your description is classic abused spouse.

typically abused people tend to be the ones that try so hard to look for reasons to excuse their behavior or deny that it's as bad as it is. They are the enduring ones that put up with it for so long and say thngs like "he's a good father though" but in reality if he's capable of abusing you, likely it will extend to the children at some point when they are older. Can you imagine for a sec a teenager acting out rebellious toward someone that is capable of abuse? Think long and hard about it before you say he's a good father. Also does a good father show his children how to treat a spouse by beating her up either verbally or physically? just because they dont' get the brunt of the abuse themselves, realize it IS affecting them whether you want to admit it or not.

Please seek help, get out as soon as you can and take the kids with you.

I think the part that worries me the most is that you actually said knocking you around is better than the alternative. Can you not see how this is a bad thing?

[Nemii]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

your description is classic abused spouse.

typically abused people tend to be the ones that try so hard to look for reasons to excuse their behavior or deny that it's as bad as it is. They are the enduring ones that put up with it for so long and say thngs like "he's a good father though" but in reality if he's capable of abusing you, likely it will extend to the children at some point when they are older. Can you imagine for a sec a teenager acting out rebellious toward someone that is capable of abuse? Think long and hard about it before you say he's a good father. Also does a good father show his children how to treat a spouse by beating her up either verbally or physically? just because they dont' get the brunt of the abuse themselves, realize it IS affecting them whether you want to admit it or not.

Please seek help, get out as soon as you can and take the kids with you.

I think the part that worries me the most is that you actually said knocking you around is better than the alternative. Can you not see how this is a bad thing?

I know it's bad, I know it's not healthy and it's even harder talking about it and getting feedback which is the same things I'd say to anyone else.
I will say he keeps it from the kids. He keeps it from everyone. No one even supects, which I think is pretty damn pathetic when I would walk around with black eyes and busted lips. Not one person has ever helped me, and believe me I've tried to get out before no one has ever believed me when I told them I needed help. I'm not trying to justify it anymore, it was just easier to take a beating then to listen to the hateful things he tells me.
At least after he would settle down and be happy, but now it's just constant hate. I want to run but I don't know where to go, I know he'd just track me down. I just don't understand why he won't let me go.
As for abuse extending to my kids, thats why I quit my job-- I was just too stressed working all day and not knowing if they were okay-- I would leave work every couple of hours just to check on them. I couldn't take it so I just had to quit.

I just hope he finds someone else, and lets me go.
I don't have it in me to fight anymore.
I tried and everyone turmed on me, and told me it was my fault.
Which I get, but I didn't know he was like this, at first I just assumed it was a kink we shared, but then it became normal, everyday, out of no where.

I just hold on to the hope that he'll get better like he did with the physical stuff.
I don't know. I don't know what to do. I can't bring myself to explain it.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Nemii

I know it's bad, I know it's not healthy and it's even harder talking about it and getting feedback which is the same things I'd say to anyone else.
I will say he keeps it from the kids. He keeps it from everyone. No one even supects, which I think is pretty damn pathetic when I would walk around with black eyes and busted lips. Not one person has ever helped me, and believe me I've tried to get out before no one has ever believed me when I told them I needed help. I'm not trying to justify it anymore, it was just easier to take a beating then to listen to the hateful things he tells me.
At least after he would settle down and be happy, but now it's just constant hate. I want to run but I don't know where to go, I know he'd just track me down. I just don't understand why he won't let me go.
As for abuse extending to my kids, thats why I quit my job-- I was just too stressed working all day and not knowing if they were okay-- I would leave work every couple of hours just to check on them. I couldn't take it so I just had to quit.

I just hope he finds someone else, and lets me go.
I don't have it in me to fight anymore.
I tried and everyone turmed on me, and told me it was my fault.
Which I get, but I didn't know he was like this, at first I just assumed it was a kink we shared, but then it became normal, everyday, out of no where.

I just hold on to the hope that he'll get better like he did with the physical stuff.
I don't know. I don't know what to do. I can't bring myself to explain it.

dont' wait. for him to change and/or make a move like find someone else. he has you under his thumb and likely is not going to move out of his position of power. You have to. Nothing will change until you do.

When I say get out, and find help, I mean call a hot line, a shelter etc. not necessarily someone that's a friend that may not understand.

His keeping it quiet is a form of isolating you and it also puts you in a position where you feel powerless to do anything "No one believes" kind of thing makes it so that your word, if you try to tell someone means nothing and thus you remain powerless

Call the hotline for domestic abuse and find a local shelter.

[Nemii]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

dont' wait. for him to change and/or make a move like find someone else. he has you under his thumb and likely is not going to move out of his position of power. You have to. Nothing will change until you do.

When I say get out, and find help, I mean call a hot line, a shelter etc. not necessarily someone that's a friend that may not understand.

His keeping it quiet is a form of isolating you and it also puts you in a position where you feel powerless to do anything "No one believes" kind of thing makes it so that your word, if you try to tell someone means nothing and thus you remain powerless

Call the hotline for domestic abuse and find a local shelter.

Thank you for your blunt honesty. I can't promise I'll do it, but I am the type of person who needs a good kick in the rear to get moving sometimes.
I am afraid of his reaction, but I'm more fearful that I'm not strong enough to be alone anymore.
I am so ashamed that I'm letting my life crumble, that my kids are growing up in the same toxic relationships I grew up in. It's hard to admit I've made a mistake.
I am very sorry that I've been whinning, thank you for sticking it out.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Nemii

Thank you for your blunt honesty. I can't promise I'll do it, but I am the type of person who needs a good kick in the rear to get moving sometimes.
I am afraid of his reaction, but I'm more fearful that I'm not strong enough to be alone anymore.
I am so ashamed that I'm letting my life crumble, that my kids are growing up in the same toxic relationships I grew up in. It's hard to admit I've made a mistake.
I am very sorry that I've been whinning, thank you for sticking it out.

don't apologize for posting that you are in a terrible situation it's not whining.

you are not the one to be ashamed. Sure you're not perfect but all of this rides on his shoulders in the area of responsibility. it's his fault and his offense alone.

you may feel like you are fearful and like you can't do it but a lot of that is that you've lived under an oppressive hand that invalidates and calls you weak over and over. You're stronger than you might think and making the first move is the hardest.

At the very least make the call. I have. the hotlines are manned by people that truly understand and are knowledgeable. That alone may help you to realize that you CAN have a way out.

[eskielover]

Many of us have made bad choices & I had to look back 33 years to remember why I rationalized away the red flags I saw before the wedding that had made me want to back out....only to finally leave 33 years later for those same issues that had only gotten worse.

When I left I was a mess. I had dealt with major depression & anxiety for the last 13 years I lived with him. I ended up with PTSD from a trauma I went through protecting my mom from an abusive home care person when my mom was dying of cancer & I had NEVER lived on my own ever before in my life. I had no idea if I could handle it let alone in the condition I was in.....add anorexia to that mix also & very under weight.

Honestly leaving was the best thing I cpuld have ever done. It gave me back not only my freedom but also my self-confidence. Being away from the stressful emotionally messed up marriage alowed me to start thinking again, functioning again, & finally being able to see clearly the bad marriage I left. It is definitely possible....but tjat first step leaving is the hardest

[seesaw]

Did I miss you saying how long you had been married? Are you able to do couples counseling? Or individual therapy? Sorry if this has been answered and I'm repeating it.

(((Hugs)))

[divine1966]

Sorry it sounds like you might be better off without him

[Nemii]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Did I miss you saying how long you had been married? Are you able to do couples counseling? Or individual therapy? Sorry if this has been answered and I'm repeating it.

(((Hugs)))

We're going on five year. I've tried to offer couples consoling but he refuses, I've told him I don't want our marriage to end and that we should both get better for our kids.
He tells me I just need to leave him alone.
I don't know. Meh.
Today is a little better though. Heres to positive thinking. Haa

[stargirlcassivey]

Nemii.....from one abused woman to another. Please get out and take your children.

This man is not safe. This man is not kind. This man gets off on control, power, possessiveness, and ownership. He is not the man you think you know. He will not change. He will not stop. It is not a phase. It will get worse.

No one can tell you what to do. And no matter how many times people tell you what you should do, nothing will change until you understand in your heart that is something is very wrong with your situation and you deserve better. It took me nearly 13 years.

Please don't let it take you that long. It will not get better. The abuse will continue. Your children will see it, and they will hurt, and they will not understand that it's not okay for their mommy to be treated that way. It will affect how they view themselves and romantic relationships for many, many years.

Please save yourself and your children.

EDIT: I would like to add that you can call the Domestic Violence hotline at any moment. They will talk you through what to do. They will help you get out with your children. They will help you find a safe place to live, away from this man that has mistreated you so much.

[Erebos]

Being a good father includes setting a good role model as a good partner and husband.
Don't fall into that trap.

I grew up with parents who despised each other, and who fought savagely, but played at being good parents over compensated by trying too hard with us kids.

It was a horrific environment to live in.

And you have only been together 5 years...can you imagine another 5 or 10 years of this. Once your kids are old enough to hear and understand what's going on.

Aside from all that don't you deserve better, doesn't everyone.
You don't deserve to be sad and terrified.
He doesn't deserve to be to be treating another human being this way, or feeling so spiteful and bitter that all he can do is lash out.

You all deserve something better.

[healingme4me]

Ah the trap they set by making it seem like you are the one not capable of taking care of your kids. My ex used to use that one, all the time. Guess who gets her three kids 24/7? The courts just don't want to hear about it. Actually, it's a flag for them upon hearing it. (I read this book on the role of courts and battered women one summer).

Is this a phase? Probably not.

Saying they love their kids doesn't make them "good dads". Especially not while they are pounding the bottle. How "present in the moment" can he possibly be?

How do you think, as they grow older", your kids will feel if daddy cannot spend one moment with them sober?