I said no more

I'm actually still buzzed from it. Thinking about taking a walk but I should probably be a human and go to bed. Nah, effit. I'm showered. I'm going out

None of this sounds good, Sorry. You’re getting good advice here. You know this is all destructive behavior & yet you’re continuing down this path. Do you have someone to call? Please.

Nobody to call.
I'm just going out for a walk. I live downtown and mostly go out to just people watch. I'm taking water and plan that to be all I partake in. I don't go in bars, because of crushing social anxiety in them and knowing I only make bad choices therein

That sounds fun. Are people interesting to watch where you are?

All people are interesting to watch. Saw a dad out with his kid in one of those race car stroller/wagons deliberately crash it into something and the kid squealed.
I have my favorite place to sit and chill. It's a wall surrounding a landmark and I can look at the busy bar area and hear the people outside. Some dude asked what I'm looking for, and all I could say was, "just chilling. Nice night out." He smiled and walked away. I know we both know what he's doing but I don't want it

Was he selling drugs?

Probably just weed, but I'm not gonna hassle him anyway about it.
I took my walk, came home sober, took meds and ate ramen and three Oreos. I'm having trouble with wanting to be sleepy. The burn from today is setting up in my legs and it will be severe, the muscles feel hot to the touch even, so I know it's gonna be rough. Pay the price I suppose.
I feel Seroquel kicking in already. The depression is really heavy right now so here it comes hard tonight. I'll lay here and cry safely

Sorry dude. Hang in there. All will pass.

Yep.

Haven't been around a lot, and I don't think I ever saw you write about this person. But I'm sorry this happened to you. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

You mentioned a strong bond in another post. I have had that happen, and I was doing some reading up on it recently. Have you ever heard of trauma bonding? I have absolutely no idea if that applies here, and since I know nothing about your relationship aside from what I read here, I can't say that it does. But, given mutual issues with mental illness, it may be worth a Google search and read?

Best.

I think for me, the issue is that I love to fall in love, and do it so easily. I've got to keep my heart more closed from now on, because people cannot and should not be trusted that deeply, especially me.

Sorry, how many relationships have you had like this since you left your ex wife?

Have you given second thought to inviting your ex over today? Perhaps there are better things to do with your day?

The one. But I was so deep in so quickly. It's how every relationship I've had happens, too far, too soon

Nah. It'll be fine. Maybe. I've got yoga in a few and that usually settles me internally. But, I am listening to Pigface getting ready for class, so there's that going on in my head. I'm profoundly affected by music

So let’s chalk this up to an experience then. You know you do this & know the warning signs for the next time. There will b next times too. Please don’t use such harsh limits on yourself. There’s a learning curve to all this & that’s ok. We all get burned & feel like crap afterwards. You know now what you need & what you like. Every experience will get you closer to what you desire.

But what if it doesn't? What if I've already had the best I'm ever going to find? What if the universe says "no more. You've messed up everything and you should be all alone."
I'm really deserving of a lot of karma-slapping. I've been a terrible person and continue to eff it all up regularly. I'm having very calm thoughts of simply putting myself out like a light that's broken. I should be afraid of those thoughts, but I'm not. I'm ok with being at my end, or not being there. I exist to eventually die, as we all do.
I'm fighting the idea of staying sober right now by cooking food I really like. It's a dish that I enjoy but I don't think my ex ever did. She'll be over in about 4 hours.

But what if it does! “Someone” said this to me recently....you don’t know what’s behind a closed door until you open it.” Wise wisdom indeed.
And I don’t feel karma works like that, an eye for an eye. It’s not a scoreboard for good & bad.
There’s actually a mathematical algorithm for love. Did you know that? Heard it on some tedtalk but the big dating websites use it. Synopsis? You have to date like 20-25 people. They have a high success rate. Yeah go figure I know. But I’m saying, this was an experience, not the end of the line. Kind of like a boxing match. Sit on your stool & you’ll hear the bell soon to get you back in the ring. Know what I mean?
And now is a FANTASTIC time to call your ex, cancel bec cough, cough, you’re coming down with something AND you’ll have leftovers for tomorrow!

I feel for you. I do. You're such a smart guy and guilt is eating you up alive.

The universe doesn't work like that. I'm sure you know this. God (or whatever you like to believe) gives us every opportunity to improve our lives. It takes incredible perseverance, but it can be achieved. You have to rise to the occasion.

Do you have a support group in your area? A place to go to? You really shouldn't carry this burden all on your own. That's no way to live. And I do believe you want to live. I think you want that more than you're willing to admit, but you don't think you deserve better.

Life isn't an exclamation point where we suddenly have it all. All of our lives our precious. We are all inclined to be terrible. I think everyone on this forum can agree that they've made bad choices, including me. It took me 16 years to figure it out, with plenty of calm thoughts of ending it all thrown in. I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot do it alone. I need help. And I need to be okay with sitting in my emotions. Whether it's meditation or prayer, there's work to be done that can release you in ways that may help.

You sound extremely self-aware, and I wish you hold onto that because it can help you make the pivot you need. There will be the worst and the best of times, and you'll learn how to appreciate them in time. You're aware of what makes you feel unhappy, you just need to create new habits for yourself. Building these small habits, day by day, with healthy expectations can yield results like you wouldn't believe.

You're an adult and you make your own decisions (obvious, right?). But I implore you to cook that amazing dinner for you and spend the evening taking care of yourself. Find a group. Call a hotline. Surrender that burden and relieve yourself of the pressure you've placed on yourself. Leave this girl alone. Based on what you've said about her, this doesn't sound like a healthy meeting and could be just as detrimental for her if your heart isn't in the right place. Is that what you really want to do to her or the both of you?

I really hope you seek the peace you're looking for.

I'm not calling a hotline because I know they'll send someone to take me for an eval, which I'll fail. I don't want to die in a hospital, which I would make certain to happen.
I don't believe in any beings to blame or praise for our choices. I accept my bads, and the small amount of goods.
I really just want to get on my bicycle and disappear. The bills are paid. I don't have to be here or anywhere.
But I won't.
I'll stew in my head and mash the results into the garbage that I already know I am. I want to be able to make it all ok, but I know I can't. I've been listening to that Wilco song, "born to die alone" and it's accurate. I haven't even been crying. I'm becoming very matter of fact about it. I will die alone. I messaged the woman that all this started about to ask if she's ok and to say that I missed my friend

Where do you live that they would do that? Wouldn't they need your address? And could you decline the option for someone to come out to you anyway? They can't do anything against your will. Just say you need to tallk through this particular situation. It doesn't have to go farther than that.

I've called hotlines twice before. They are taught to convince you to let someone come. I'll see my therapist in less than 25 hours. Several of the people in hospital the several times I've been were convinced to let them come.
I'll try some kava now and see if I feel better. Doubtful

Technically if you only broke up a couple of days ago she isn't really an ex. Thats more of a comma than a full stop.
And going back means it's not over so there is no point kidding yourself that just cos you said its over that it is.

When you say its over and you let it go...Then it's over.
At the moment your still playing the game.maybe game isn't the right word...I probably need a thesaurus.

Riding the swell?
Eugh I hate it when I know what I mean but can't spit it out.

Be careful man, take care.

Which ex is coming over? Not the one you just broke up, right?

Ex wife. She's here. Has been for a while. She made sure to get FWB into the conversation. Oh, what the hell. Why not?

I hope you discuss the issue with your therapist. I am kind of concerned about you being so devastated and you only met that woman twice. intensity of your emotions seems concerning to me. I often see it on this subforum. People completely heartbroken and devastated after one or two dates. It’s concerning. I am very emotional person myself however such attachment seems unusual to me. I am not sure about FWBs. I don’t want you to suffer even more if that falls through. Do talk to a therapist