I said no more

Well you seem like the type of guy who is in a hurt and depressed state, which isnt bad per se but youre also desperate to escape it or drive yourself further into it. And as youve pointed out you fall deeply for women quickly without taking care of yourself and managing your expectations/emotions.

I'm not sure of what circumstances brought on the divorce but it seems like you're just acting out rather than approaching this situation with humility, hope, consideration or with realistic boundaries and expectations.

Do you need any more reasons why FWB sounds like a bad idea?

That recent breakup isn't the FWB at hand. This is the abusive ex. She's changed, and so have I. This isn't getting back together

I know it’s not that one but from I see with other people having sex with exes is often a bad idea. Especially when you are in a bad place emotionally. It’s your choice of course.

I know it was a bad idea and if it's any consolation to anyone, it was too awkward and my anxiety was tremendous, but she seemed to enjoy it in multiples. I was having flashbacks the whole time.
It's like part of me just doesn't care what I do with my body any more. It's like, I don't matter to anyone, and especially me, so do everything that might feel good.
I'll be telling my t tomorrow, don't worry.
I am now officially the worst person I ever met

*facedesk*

...well I owe an apology....Actually I quite like being wrong. Hope you talked something out...Or thAt it was at least free of crazy for a while.

Still take care.

I lay under my blanket all the night, waiting for Seroquel to wear off, so that I could move again. I didn't sleep at all, but was paralyzed by the Seroquel and fear all night

You are NOT the worst person in the world. Be careful to hyperbolize your situation. You were hurt and careless and feeling lonely. You wanted to feel anything else so you made a decision you know was bad and ended up feeling even more depressed. Would I be accurate here? Do you see the difference? Being able to express what happened in clear, concise ways takes the pressure off of you to be anything other than a human being in need of help. It also provides you with context that can help you confront your emotions and thoughts directly.

This might be relevant: I saw my T yesterday. I was high off some recent good things that were happening in my life. Sobriety, a spiritual awakening, blah blah blah. But my T brought me right back down to earth. She knows that I have a proclivity to go soaring off on my highs, which often included a new relationship, which meant that if anything bad happened I would plummet and crash and burn. Things are different now, so I actually have a high chance of relapse (which technically already happened) being detrimental because something disappointing for me would be my undoing, and I can't predict what that would be. Of course, I feel like I'm fine and I don't need any more help but I'm aware that this is how I always feel and the outcome has always been the same: I get depressed and medicate with drugs.

So she urged me to find a 12-step group. And while I don't want to, it's something I have to take seriously because support is so crucial for us.

I honestly, truly think that you would benefit from find a support group or 12-step group where you live. There are so many different kinds that you can find a community that truly understands your pain. I've done it before while still getting high and I didn't appreciate it... so maybe I'm being a bit of a hypocrite. At that time I was going to groups mainly for depression and sex abuse but not to address substance abuse. But my hope is that because I'm really making an honest effort to be sober now, I just get my self through the door. Start talking. Take it one group at a time and find a sponsor.

Talk to your T and ask them to help you with this.

Thing is, I'd still do it exactly the same. I'm not ready for recovery because I have not begun to defile myself, even though I'm not a substance abuse case. The only substance I'm really hooked on is caffeine, and there's no help from it. I'm addicted to exercise, for which there's no help either. I'm out of touch and grabbing everything I know won't materialize completely or ever

So you'd rather wait until things get worse before you explore ways to change for the better?

With the level of guilt and self loathing I'm carrying right now, I don't trust things to ever get better. There's no lifting these burdens. And ffs, nobody give me any religion on this, it makes me question your motives. Church is a place where I distrust everyone and everything they say, because I was regularly beaten up, bullied, and developed quite the attitude of "let's see how many sins I can check off the list while I'm here, because they make me go here"

Wow... I never said for you to go to church or anything like that. I am sorry for what happened to you. My personal experiences are my personal experiences, and my faith are intimately tied to how I communicate. That, in and of itself, shouldn't be an affront to you.

And lets be real, for every piece of advice given here on the thread - not just by me - you have found a way to sidestep and squirm your way out of it. Everyone here cares about you. I see you suffering and I want to help. That is it. So if you want to question my motives, go for it. Question away because I have nothing to hide from you.

Keep in mind what I've placed in bold - right now - feelings are not facts. You know this will pass. It may come around again but you'll see yourself out of the fog. When you do, maybe revisit the advice given here and see if any of it is worth seriously considering.

Take care

You are being genuine. I apologise for seeming to not take it that way. My issues are very deep and dark and some have mentioned their faith in my posts very recently.

I accept your apology. And I do wish the very best for you, even if you can't do that for yourself right now. Allow me to take that on for you, to wish you the very best for right now and for the future.

You're the kind of person I could really benefit from, if only virtually. Thank you.
On other fronts, I think my body is still reeling from the horrors of last night, but I need to go to my t appointment, so I'll keep guzzling coffee until then. A friend from another gym asked about me though one of the instructors that hops around. I'm going to push myself to go there after therapy for yoga. I usually want to crawl into a hole for a while after t, but maybe it will do me good to force myself.

I feel carcrashrepeat is correct that you may be side stepping some issues here. We’ve given advice & I feel you’re not really stopping to look at it, but on a mission to self destruct.
I view people in “parts” from studying IFS & I feel you have a part that insists you have to self destruct, all the way, before this will stop. Now you’ve been down this road before & I think you know what that feels like.
But this part that wants to self destruct & make you suffer & cause punishment might just be a part that wants to be heard by your True Self. Can you give this part some real attention & ask what it wants?
It might want love, passion, to be ‘seen’, personal fulfillment & other things that you want in your life. It’s not getting that so it rages against you for not full-filling it’s need. If you talk to this part, see it, know why it’s angry & compromise with it, the rage might subside.

I also see a part of you here on this thread that is very intelligent & sees this all happening & does have some idea how to slow this all down. To look at this from the outside, objectively. But the rage & self destruction has a bigger voice right now & it’s a means to an end. But you’re letting it in your drivers seat.

I’m sorry if this is confusing. Maybe just a different way to look at things I thought might help. It’s hard for me to follow this thread watching you barreling towards self destruction & consciously know it’s coming. Maybe if you can somehow step outside yourself & look at all this from different perspectives it may help, although hard to do. And for me to watch it happen brings my own self protective parts forward that I can’t watch this happen & don’t wanto participate in it. So I build barriers. I won’t post on this again.

I hope you find some peace Sorry, I really do! I think you have much going for you now that you’ve moved on from a destructive marriage & are now free to create the life you wanto explore. Some only dream of that.

Sending you good energy from afar!

You're so welcome. Feel free to reach out to me if you ever need to. I'd like to do the same if that's alright with you to see how you're doing. Who knows, you might be able to help me in my time of need.

I wish you the best in your T session. I think it will be fruitful. Although it's been a tumultuous time you've gained new perspective.

Sounds to me like you are REALLY experiencing INFATUATION, not love. Real love develops with time & knowing someone. Infatuation is thinking they are what your mind has made them into being. The heart can feel the same but REALITY is different. They are NOT equivalent.

Maybe an accurate definition of what you are doing might help.

Everyone posting here is right and I know that. I KNOW I should try to rein it in, my t usually does a pretty good job of it. I'm putting all my hope in this coming session, otherwise I got only what I can get here, which should be enough. I see people here turning away too, like those in my daily life. My neighbor friend won't even answer her phone or door to me right now. She said that I'm scary and she's right.

Just remember we are the only ones who have control over our own behaviors....obviously unless we get thrown in jail but even then we make the choice of how we behave in there too.

My values control my behaviors.....just a thought.

Try to not put all hope in your session. Please try and take your time. Be open to whatever the session yields and dont let your expectations dictate too much. However if you want to make thr most of your session write a list of what's happened and some short term/long term goals you want to work on. And the changes you make need to be small and manageable. Hopefully this is helpful to you.

We discussed everything, including my fighting walking into fast traffic. I don't feel much or even at all better, but I don't think I deserve better either. I'm a terrible person. I'm about to do the exact same stupid thing I did last night, because I can't stand the thought of being alone right now. I'd take abuse over alone, even though she hasn't been abusive in a long time. I don't trust her, but I will f her.

We did. She wanted to cuddle after and I just wanted her to leave. I really don't love her. That says even worse things about me

I can empathize with how you’re feeling right now, right down to side stepping issues and finding a way out of the solutions people try to give. I was so effing empty a few months ago I thought I was going to be like a black hole and like, implode on myself. I thought I was garbage, too. Your convo with carcrashonrepeat reminds me of an argument I had with my best friend of 17 years who, after I’d come to her for the umpteenth time, started talking to me from a perspective of faith. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t react well. She and I met at church but I am no longer a person of faith. However, it was a pretty bad point in time to ask me to trust that there was someone looking out for me. We’ve had this argument before, and this time it resulted in the fracture of our friendship.

Anyway. The point is that this acutely horribleness gets better, and I know you know this. I would very strongly urge you to have no contact with your most recent ex. I hope you don’t take that offensively, or say that my situation isn’t like yours (I’m aware it’s not), but it only serves to prolong grief and pain. I didn’t do so well at that, but fortunately since I left him and he was pretty pissed that I discovered the things I did, he did the blocking and etc for me. *shrug* Otherwise, I’d probably have had a hard time doing that on my own.

Hope you’re doing well today.

I did sleep last night, super deeply. My dreams weren't of bad things at all, but calming and reassuring. There's a Poe song, "control," which I woke up hearing in my head. It's about regaining power over yourself following having no power or control at all. At least that's my interpretation and currently warranted. I'll be playing it for real now.
I don't want to die this morning for whatever reason. I'll take it.

You have good taste in music...I assume you’re right around my age.

Anyway, glad to know you are feeling a little better-ish.