suspended from work until further notice

What does it gain you?

No, YOU made it worse. You didn't "go through" anything after, Ruby. What happened is that you were held to task for your actions. You were held responsible for your behavior. That's not "going through" something. You chose your behavior every single step of the way here, and you've had to suffer the consequences. But suffering the consequences of your own choices isn't abuse.

Until you accept responsibility that you did this to yourself, you will continue this pattern.

Nothing. Not the way I’m handling it anyway. I should be making better choices.

It is VERY good that you recognize this. Now get into that intense therapy. Ruby, the only way you will learn to be able to make good choices instead of react badly is by working with a therapist and PRACTICING. You will continue to make mistakes but as long as you can see that and make progress, little-by-little, you will find you can successfully function.

You are very bright, Ruby, and I am certain you can do this, if you WANT to and follow through.

Seesaw

Most people dealing with victim mentality don't even know they have that mentality. So you know whar you are doing & are doing it intentionally?

What goals do you have for yourself? Do you want to stay at a job? Maybe you are self-sabotaging because you don’t really want to stay.

I just read in your early threads that you previously said you were diagnosed with personality disorder (not sure which type). Honestly your behavior does sound like a behavior of a person with personality disorder (going by my experiences with people with PD). Are you addressing PD with your therapist?

I wanted to stay at that fast food joint but I honestly didn’t know my behavior was stalking. I would’ve never did that if I knew. Now I wanna stay at my current job but I was too overwhelmed by what happened at that fast food joint to think clearly. When I had stalked 2 other people, it was a slightly different circumstance so I didn’t learn. I didn’t look up to them like I looked up to my supervisor. I just wanted to be friends.

Yes I have Asperger’s which made me prone to mental illness, such as PD.

Autism Spectrum Disorder doesn’t necessarily make you prone to mental illness/Personality Disorder. You might be more suspectable to depression
Etc but I never heard of PD. So you have PD or you don’t? Many of your behaviors don’t strike me as s person with ASD but more of PD behavior. What’s your official diagnosis?

What would you like to see happen? If you get to keep your job, do you think you’ll be able to act appropriately? Is the behavior beyond your control? It sounds like it has happened at several jobs and in all other situations too.

If you sincerely want to change, you’ll have to do therapy/DBT and be retaught how to behave. It’s possible, but you have to want to do it.

I have a dual diagnosis.

Is your therapist knowledgeable in dealing with PD? In my opinion you might need concrete strategies rather than talk therapy. Something specific you could do instead of lashing out

I do a mixture of both in therapy. She said I act out bc I haven't developed coping skills regarding the fast food incident. I'm learning coping skills.

All the coping skills in the world will not help until you accept that things are not always going to go the way you want them to. There will always be people who do not want to be your friend and that there will be consequences for acting out when you don't get things your way.

You say you chose to behave this way.....you chose to act out. Until you are capable of makibg better choices.....you will continue to have problems in your life because what you are experiencing are the consequences of your poor choices.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Actually her behavior is very similar to that of the H I am finally divorcing who most definitely fits the behaviors of ASD.

I feel like I'm losing control of myself. For the last few weeks before the suspension, I felt more and more empty. I been acting out since March, but during the last few weeks was when it escalated and I became desensitized to my own acting out. On the day of the incident, I actually saw a former fast food colleague shopping. That really stung.

There are many things I did/said that my current supervisor is unaware of. For instance, I brought up Star Wars and swordfighting alluding to men peeing on each other. The 2 male coworkers I was talking about this to understood immediately what I was saying, as it was accompanied by a gesture. My therapist said that constituted sexual harassment.

Another incident, I was in a middle of a conversation with the same male coworker and I spelled out the f-word to him. He said he does that. I asked to who. He said his wife. Then I asked him if she liked it.

I cried/wailed to a coworker on the salesfloor a couple times. I asked her to push me in the shopping cart bc a customer hurt my feelings. I asked if I could break stuff. Thx god she never told on me.

I find it very hard to escape the intrusive thoughts of that fast food supervisor. She's CONSTANTLY on my mind. It hurt that much.

Ruby, you seem very self aware of the fact that you are acting out at work, and that it has to do with your old supervisor. You appear to know that these actions are inappropriate, though you are doing them anyways. Do you know in the moment or later that they are inappropriate?

It may have hurt but you were not a victim, it wasn't personal she only reacted to YOUR abusers in a legal way.

It’s good to hear that you have control over your actions and are capable of making better choices. Are you also able to experience empathy? Will you be more likely to stop the harassing behavior if you understand that you are hurting others? When you stalk someone, say dirty/sexual things to co-workers, or threaten to break things, you are causing those people harm. You are being a perpetrator and they are your victims. Even if you don’t realize it or intend it, you are hurting them. We know this because they are taking actions to protect themselves from your abuse— they are firing you, looking into getting restraining orders against you, and reporting your behavior to the company. If you don’t want to hurt others, you can change your behavior.

Ruby, these businesses are trying to promote your success. But you keep pushing and testing the limits. And you seem to feel entitled to do that. You are hurt over being let go from the fast food job, so now you "act out." You seem to believe that is your right. It isn't.

You are laying the groundwork now for what your life is going to be like in 20 years. The Ruby of 20 years from now needs you to think about that.

I don’t feel that you are getting the help you need (or the right help or the right amount of it) from your therapist/doctor/disability services/case worker.

I knew in the moment that they're inappropriate, but I was always more concerned about getting caught. After the fact, I always think about if a given coworker is gonna tell on me, and most of the time, they didn't. I guess that's part of why it escalated.

I got canned from fast food in October last year. For the first 5 months, I pretended to function normally, but that took so much effort. I finally started unravelling in March after the fast food supervisor threatened a restraining order against me. I been acting out since. I hope I have another chance to prove I will stop acting out.

But see your case worker had to explain to you that he if you were canned from one place you might be canned from another one unless you behave. You were fired and PPO was about to be filed because of your behavior. Did your case worker explain to you how to behave at work?

Now sometimes we do have to pretend at work.

You don’t have to pretend in therapist office etc but you often have to at work or you’d lose jobs.

In some work places you could get sued if you act out and you can lose your professional license and you’ll never work again. You have to suck it up at times. And if something really seriously bothers you one day, you should take a sick day that day so you don’t get in trouble.