Am I being unreasonable with hubby?

My hubby just yelled in my face and pushed me down hard on my shoulders whilst doing so, pinning me to the bed.

He’s never been this angry before. I made him so mad, I feel so guilty.

He wants to go on a stag do for a 4 day weekend. I can’t cope looking after the young children on my own. Am I being selfish? I would not just leave him alone with the children and jet off, using our savings in the process. It’s so much money, he’s going abroad and we haven’t even as a family!

He’s always going to gigs and coming back late from work meals. Am I being unreasonable? When this guy was his best man, they had a meal out as a stag do, that was all. This guy wants to go abroad and party.

He’s saying I’m controlling him. Does he realise I have no control, not even over myself?? I feel so sad.

No, you are not being unreasonable. Your husband is being selfish. Your marriage is supposed to be a partnership. If you don’t want him to go, he shouldn’t go. But unfortunately, that’s not what will happen. Instead he is telling you that you are x,y,and z and he will go anyway. It’s concerning that he also resorted to physical violence.

Um... I am wondering why you are asking whether you're being unreasonable and selfish when your husband has put his hands on you in anger, using physical force on you to pin you to the bed. That is physical abuse... I am not criticizing you, I am just wondering where your thoughts are. I assume he is also abusive in other ways. Perhaps you should instead be asking the question, why am I enduring this abuse? I am also guessing he is the controlling one, accusing you of being controlling. That is also abuse.

Please take your children and go to a shelter.

golden and Tisha said pretty much what I was going to say, but in 2 different posts.

No, you are not being selfish. If it was a one time thing and he very rarely got to go out then sure, I could see him deserving a little time away, but still not an expensive 4-day vacation in which he is clearly not considering the needs of his family if he wants to spend like that. However, it was absolutely inappropriate for him to push and pin you onto the bed in anger. It might seem minor, but that is physical abuse. On top of that, he sounds quite controlling from what you've said here. I don't want to scare you, but most of the time abuse doesn't get better, it only gets worse, and frankly he seems too selfish to recognize he would be in the wrong and get help.

I agree with all of the above. This sounds like abuse to me. Getting physical in any way is a bad sign and it is likely to escalate.

You are not being selfish at all. You’re thinking about your family as a whole. It is difficult to believe that he is accusing you of being selfish when clearly he is the one being selfish.
The only way any man should be touching their wife is with love and affection.
I will keep you in my thoughts while you decide how you will deal with this situation.

I'd say go away from him if you can.

Thank you for all your replies.

In 16 years he has been a loving model husband and father. This is the first time he has ever done anything which was why I was shocked and felt so guilty. It’s a real rupture in our relationship. Usually he’s very gentle, kind and considerate. He now says our marriage is in a bad place. I rely on him too much.

He was verbally and physically abusive. If your children saw that they will think that behavior is okay. The only control you have, is with YOUR life. You get to make decisions.

If going on a stag weekend (where all sorts could happen) is more important to him than his wife's feelings and his family's needs then you're better off without him. I've endured similar aggression from partners and it made me lose faith and respect for them.

Please do not feel guilty for your husband's poor behavior. That is on him. He was most definitely abusive towards you. Laying a hand on a woman, or vice versa, is NEVER OK. Please understand this. He should not have pinned you down on the bed like that. I just wonder whether he may be abusive in other ways, but you take it upon yourself to feel bad yourself and like it's your own fault, when he is at fault and being abusive. Or perhaps it's much more subtle.... but someone doesn't just suddenly become abusive physically without emotional/verbal/psychological abuse preceding it. He also seems pretty selfish, in this instance at least about the stag party.

I'm confused. So he's been wonderful for all of these years until now. And he's headed out for several days, draining your family savings for a stag party and picking a fight with you and claiming the marriage is in trouble.

1 thing that I know about"arguments" before some "independent" time away from responsibility is that it's all about them trying to self justify a sense of freedom from all responsibility if you know what I mean.

And you are caught in the light of the fire so to speak. It is a head trip that leaves you begging them for mercy when they should be thankful that any woman would be kind enough to even put up with them...

How many children do you have?

I personally would let him know that after that behavior the kids & I will be gone when he gets back & divorce papers will be served. I just would not tolerate that kind of treatment then him telling you your marriage is in a bad place.....no duh!!!! That is an understatement....& especially with his treatment of you & what he said & what he is doing going abroad.

I would take savings money & retain a really good lawyer who will know how to protect you from what is going on in your life. This would give your H a STRONG statement that you will NOT tolerate him doing this to you. If he agrees to counseling under the divorce proceedings & things can be worked out because he understood your message to him.....great.....otherwise you know in no uncertain terms what he is thinking & feeling & you might as well end the marriage. They will legally order his support & financially he will end up much worse off BUT that is the consequences of his horrible behaviors toward you.

No matter how good he has been in the past.....YOUR REALITY is NOW not the past & the NOW is what you need to deal with & NOT TOLERATE. You tolerate this & you are only giving him permission to continue treating you this way.

Yes, you will have to become independent.....but that could be good & bring out strengths inside of you that have been hidden & covered up.

If your H ever comes to his senses great otherwise you & your children are much better without him in your everyday lives.

Oh for pete's sake. This single incident in your otherwise good marriage is not cause for dramatic action. Tell him you want to go get some coffee with him, be reasonable and firm - but not defensive and angry - and really listen to why he wants to go on a 4-day stag. 4 days is excessive. It sounds like he's aware of that, and defensive about it. Talk it out, be a mature couple. Best to you...I believe that this can be worked out.

I have to respond to this. So are you saying that ONE physical abuse incident is acceptable and should be tolerated? That's what you're saying, which I don't believe is helpful to the OP at all.

Even just ONE instance is not OK. Abuse also worsens statistically. There's a member on here whose husband took his hand to, she thought it was an isolated incident, then it got SO much worse.. he beat and raped her.

Physical abuse is NOT to be taken lightly, brushed under the rug or something to discuss over lunch/coffee.

And she shouldn't be angry with him? What kind of advice is that? I would be enraged beyond belief and he would hear it from me, if it were me.

Is is a single incident OR is it a beginning of a trend if he thinks he can get away with it?

You need to be firm that this is NOT ok behavior in a marriage & it will NOT be tolerated.

Yes, it would be good to find out WHY he thinks he can but it sounds from what you say that he is trying to lay the guilt on you & who knows if talking to him will change his point of view.

If you do have a REAL discussion about this.....don't alliw him to make you feel like a doormat which from what you write it makes him sound like he is doing.

It makes me wonder if your marriage has really been as good as YOU THINK it has been because stuff like this doesn't usually come out of the blue. This feeling probably was building up for some time inside your H before he finally exploded because that is how people work. It is NEVER just a sudden thing.

Yes, counseling might help BUT you may have to force the issue if he really thinks he is right.

Yes, I made this point earlier, too. I suspect he has been abusive in other ways, perhaps much more subtle so she doesn't pick up on it.

Just curious.....how much do you really rely on him. I ASSUME he works & brings in the income & you take care of the kids & the home. That is pretty equal in the eyes of the court.

Obviously if he works & takes care of the home then he may have some grounds for his comment. There may have to be changes on both parts to make a marriage at this point work if there is any truth in how he says he feels about you relying on him too much. I am guessing that he just doesn't acknowledge ALL you are responsible for & just doesn't respect all you do. It could be that the guys he is going off with are also feeding these thoughts into his mind. He may need to quit hanging around these guys if there is any chance for your marriage to be repaired.

Pushing someone down and pinning them to the bed isn’t something to take lightly. Regardless if it’s single incident or not. Abuse also always escalates. I can’t imagine being pushed down and pinned to the bed and then go for coffee with him. Perhaps this could be worked out but typically men capable of physical violence towards women aren’t going to stop after one incident. And they don’t become abusive in one day

Duplicate duplicate duplicate

I very much agree. I refuse to encourage women to tolerate abuse. Quite upsetting. It worries me now that OP isn’t responding. I hope things didn’t get worse (as with that poster you mention).

OP always worked. I don’t know if she recently stopped due to having young children but she clearly isn’t a slacker. Also she mentioned at some point that money is tight and she had hard time to even afford therapy yet he thinks 4 days abroad is a great idea. And she “dared” to question it.

Agreed. Any type of abuse should not be tolerated.

Yes, I hope OP is OK.