I invited a neighbor to join a ladies group I am in. I was really disappointed that she invited two of her close friends and I was completely left out. She didn’t tell me she was inviting them. Not only that, I found her friends to be annoying and obnoxious. They got really drunk and loud... and so did my neighbor. Now I don’t even want to be part of this group I am in... because of the obnoxious ladies who will now be coming and I now feel rejected by my neighbor who I was hoping to befriend. I am seriously regretting that I ever invited her.

I keep trying to join in various groups and make friends and I just never seem to make real friendships... I usually get along well with everybody... but while other ladies in the groups form personal friendships, I never do. I can’t figure out how people effortlessly connect with others. Eventually I leave the group and feel rejected and try another group elsewhere. I am starting to wonder why I keep bothering and it’s kind of embarrassing.

Another thing I do that I want to stop.... I am really committed once I join a group. I almost always show up, I help out, and I don’t back out at the last minute... Then I just end up feeling irritated that I invested so much time and energy.... I end up feeling a bit resentful...

It’s such a petty and minor thing in the grand scheme of things. So what if I don’t have any friends.... It’s probably because I am so serious and introverted and I just don’t loosen up enough... I can’t change who I am. I keep thinking I should be very happy that I have a home and a job and a good husband..... You can’t have everything in life. But I do feel like I’m missing out...

[MickeyCheeky]

There's nothing wrong in wishing to have friends. I'm sorry you haven't had much luck, but are you sure it is your fault? It seems like you're really trying

[goldiemom]

I have a couple good friends I never see but email alot. But most people are disappointing. Its because of our cultural values. Honesty and manners are not in style. Maybe the people in groups are too clickish for you. Maybe finding friends one on one would be better somehow. I met my friends on forums and we started emailing and calling. They dont live near me though. I like rural people more too. I like nature. I often just chat with strangers like at the pier fishing. Im not good at it either. I have lived in my town for 12 years and dont have a friend to even have coffee with. Im disabled and people think im weird because i dont interact well I dont go out much.

[saidso]

Hey Sisabel - hugs your way if acceptable.
I don't think it does any good judging people who drink and get loud (I don't drink) - I mean, you are letting yourself get pulled out of your own inner balance by other people's behaviour. Yes, I do too if people are rude in a group situation, but fact is people know those people are rude and they will probably say so behind their backs. People put up with stuff in a group situation that they wouldn't accept in close friendships.

I feel tenderly for you, because it... it's really hard putting ourselves out there and being disappointed. I think the disappointment and bewilderment are triggers for me.

Someone in the last group that I was in told me, "keep going and you will find it's worthwhile". I didn't keep going but I do keep bumping into various members of that group who I like on local buses and in cafes. Even that pleasure is worth it, because we need pleasure with other people.

I admire you for going all out with this when your husband isn't social, because that must make it extra difficult to sustain. You will get somewhere if you are patient, both with yourself and with other people ;/ wry smile because easier said than done.

I still don't have reliable friends but I got more patient with my own learning, and that's making me a tad more patient with others. It is a struggle, but if that's what we want in our lives surely it's worth a fight.

Love frm ….. saidso

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

There's nothing wrong in wishing to have friends. I'm sorry you haven't had much luck, but are you sure it is your fault? It seems like you're really trying

Thanks Mickey. I appreciate your kind feedback.

Originally Posted by goldiemom

I have a couple good friends I never see but email alot. But most people are disappointing. Its because of our cultural values. Honesty and manners are not in style. Maybe the people in groups are too clickish for you. Maybe finding friends one on one would be better somehow. I met my friends on forums and we started emailing and calling. They dont live near me though. I like rural people more too. I like nature. I often just chat with strangers like at the pier fishing. Im not good at it either. I have lived in my town for 12 years and dont have a friend to even have coffee with. Im disabled and people think im weird because i dont interact well I dont go out much.

You are right that honesty and manners are not in style. I am learning to quickly pull back from rude behavior. You’re also right that I do better with individual friendships than group situations. My hubby recently made the point that most friendships are superficial so he doesn’t know why it matters to me. He’s right because... it seems you have to act or look or be a certain way to be accepted as a friend. I will remember this when I meet people. I tend to look for people I would have something in common with but that’s not necessarily going to be people my own age and with my exact same lifestyle or all the same interests as me. Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I might suggest putting less pressure on yourself. Focus on activities you want to do and your enjoyment of them. If you connect with someone, great and if you dont, that's okay because you are having an otherwise good experience.

If you would like someone to talk to, I'm here. I'm extroverted, eccentric and generally bubbly with more than a hint of crazy. I know it isnt the same as real life, but maybe some online friends could tide you over until you find your tribe. I do believe your future friends are out there, probably searching for you too. Dont give up.

Originally Posted by saidso

Hey Sisabel - hugs your way if acceptable.

I don't think it does any good judging people who drink and get loud (I don't drink) - I mean, you are letting yourself get pulled out of your own inner balance by other people's behaviour. Yes, I do too if people are rude in a group situation, but fact is people know those people are rude and they will probably say so behind their backs. People put up with stuff in a group situation that they wouldn't accept in close friendships.


I feel tenderly for you, because it... it's really hard putting ourselves out there and being disappointed. I think the disappointment and bewilderment are triggers for me.


Someone in the last group that I was in told me, "keep going and you will find it's worthwhile". I didn't keep going but I do keep bumping into various members of that group who I like on local buses and in cafes. Even that pleasure is worth it, because we need pleasure with other people.


I admire you for going all out with this when your husband isn't social, because that must make it extra difficult to sustain. You will get somewhere if you are patient, both with yourself and with other people ;/ wry smile because easier said than done.


I still don't have reliable friends but I got more patient with my own learning, and that's making me a tad more patient with others. It is a struggle, but if that's what we want in our lives surely it's worth a fight.


Love frm ….. saidso

Hi said so. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and I appreciate your perspective. You’ve given me some good things to think about. Hubby told me I should have ignored the drunk, loud and rude behavior and not worried about it. My feelings were hurt and I felt rejected. I think that is ultimately why I felt so disappointed. I guess I have to handle the rejection if I want to make friends... I also need to be able to ignore obnoxious behavior and not feel so annoyed by it... I really don’t enjoy loud, gross jokes though, not when it’s constant... and prior to the other night this group had been a good balance between loud/quiet and drinkers/non-drinkers.... It’s definitely harder that hubby doesn’t want to make friends. I go out and do a lot of things on my own, without him.

Originally Posted by KissTheRain

I might suggest putting less pressure on yourself. Focus on activities you want to do and your enjoyment of them. If you connect with someone, great and if you dont, that's okay because you are having an otherwise good experience.


If you would like someone to talk to, I'm here. I'm extroverted, eccentric and generally bubbly with more than a hint of crazy. I know it isnt the same as real life, but maybe some online friends could tide you over until you find your tribe. I do believe your future friends are out there, probably searching for you too. Dont give up.

Thank you! I wonder if the pressure I put on myself is coming off as tension when I meet other people?? I had not thought of that. I’m not bubbly and extroverted. I’m a quiet thinker. Lol. I am really appreciating my online friends!!!!!!!! Thank you for the encouragement. I love what you said that there are future friends out there searching for me too. ❤️

[saidso]

I have a question which might sound a bit mad, hmmm. Reading this thread - and you write so much better about the problems of making friends than I can - I reflect that I often have all sorts of reactions to people that I meet. I have judgements about what is fair and responsible, I have deep hurting about "not being cared about enough", I have a need for someone to confirm what I'm experiencing and to help me separate from my reactions enough to make good decisions, I need warmth and smiles of recognition, I need fun, I need wisdom.

I was mean to someone at the market yesterday and another person told me off about that. I carry around assumptions and needs and thoughts/ worries/ hates.

The part inside me that reaches out for friendships is often the youngest, most innocent part and she needs a lot of comforting if friends ignore her.

What I'm wondering about you is... who is the part reaching out to these friends and what does she need in order to feel more hopeful about it all. One tactic that I use to face discomfort or disappointment - is to allow some time to discuss it with myself inside. Today for example, went to buy some prezzies for people who I will be visiting and I found myself feeling tired because the shop was so unhelpful, and sad because I wanted some peace instead of being in a noisy shop. On the bus coming home, I said to my younger inside self that she is sad, she said because noone cares, and I said I can show you that I care. She said, nah. But later we got off the bus and sautered past some shops she likes, and bought a bottle of water and a small snack. Grad-u-a-lly the sadness got soothed into a feeling of contentment.

It was a question of listening to the fact that I/we were thirsty and hungry, and needed something satisfying in the stomach, needed a DVD for distraction but not finding one we liked was ok, weighed up going to a proper restaurant and decided we had better food back home. It's the listening attention that seems to soothe me.
I imagine that relationships with other people need something of the same inner listening and kindness. To have resilience, to know when there is an opportunity to reach out, when to float free, when to turn the back and walk away.

Having said that, I am about to meet a lot of new people and I am terrified!
Not sure if that makes sense, but I write it respectfully...
saidso

[healingme4me]

I can actually relate a bit, Sisabel. I have experienced similar disappointment in wanting to forge through with friendships with various people that it seemed like this is someone I could hand out with. Even my step sister whom I reconnected with this summer after decades was someone I thought more opportunities to hang out would happen. But with these two individuals that I have in mind, just isn't going to happen.
I think I too would have found bringing a clique of friends a bit put offish if that's even the right expression? Disappointing to say the least. Your husband does make a very valid point in my eyes.
I tend to look around me quite often at how other women seem super connected. It's a thought that has weighed on my mind since my divorce and my mom's passing away happened within months of each other. I had my three sons and utterly zero network to local family support. I was my mom's only child. My dad and stepmom at the time lived 45minutes away as does my mom's brother and his family. I have an ex husband who doesn't drive(another story in and of itself) and a bit of disconnect as my closest women friends live states away after.
I've noticed most of the women around me have siblings. Which extends their base of support. Great for them. Less great for me.
I had a cancer scare years ago and sat with my ex as the need to list who is next in line for caring for the kids needed to be a discussion. Then he had a heart attack scare. Sure he's from a big family, but brothers in big families interact much differently than sisters do. Besides his sisters are all my mom's age. It was a December/May type of marriage. And my ex is 3rd youngest of 11...
And it's not that I drift along truly in need of friendships, but it would really be nice to have local friends where random momemts of meeting for coffee or whatever would be nice. So often everyone is wrapped up in their own universes and aren't open to more. I do have a couple friends from work that if I reached out and set up going out that it could happen, but it's work friendships. I never did find in person mother's groups back during the stroller years either ...
It's not that this woman owed you friendship but gosh, where was giving you a chance occurring? Maybe she was nervous about going to a group alone? Maybe the next time could be different? I wouldn't stop going if this was something you enjoyed to begin with.
I hear your disappointment.

Originally Posted by saidso

I have a question which might sound a bit mad, hmmm. Reading this thread - and you write so much better about the problems of making friends than I can - I reflect that I often have all sorts of reactions to people that I meet. I have judgements about what is fair and responsible, I have deep hurting about "not being cared about enough", I have a need for someone to confirm what I'm experiencing and to help me separate from my reactions enough to make good decisions, I need warmth and smiles of recognition, I need fun, I need wisdom.


I was mean to someone at the market yesterday and another person told me off about that. I carry around assumptions and needs and thoughts/ worries/ hates.


The part inside me that reaches out for friendships is often the youngest, most innocent part and she needs a lot of comforting if friends ignore her.


What I'm wondering about you is... who is the part reaching out to these friends and what does she need in order to feel more hopeful about it all. One tactic that I use to face discomfort or disappointment - is to allow some time to discuss it with myself inside. Today for example, went to buy some prezzies for people who I will be visiting and I found myself feeling tired because the shop was so unhelpful, and sad because I wanted some peace instead of being in a noisy shop. On the bus coming home, I said to my younger inside self that she is sad, she said because noone cares, and I said I can show you that I care. She said, nah. But later we got off the bus and sautered past some shops she likes, and bought a bottle of water and a small snack. Grad-u-a-lly the sadness got soothed into a feeling of contentment.


It was a question of listening to the fact that I/we were thirsty and hungry, and needed something satisfying in the stomach, needed a DVD for distraction but not finding one we liked was ok, weighed up going to a proper restaurant and decided we had better food back home. It's the listening attention that seems to soothe me.

I imagine that relationships with other people need something of the same inner listening and kindness. To have resilience, to know when there is an opportunity to reach out, when to float free, when to turn the back and walk away.


Having said that, I am about to meet a lot of new people and I am terrified!

Not sure if that makes sense, but I write it respectfully...

saidso

Yep! All of the above... I can relate. I’ve been struggling to put words to my feelings. Hubby recently asked me why do I need friends when most friendships are superficial and he doesn’t see me as a superficial person. He doesn’t understand my driving need to make friends and I’m starting to feel conflicted about it. I have been reflecting on this. I’ve also been reflecting on my own behaviors. What do I do that pushes people away? I thought about times over the years people have reached out in friendship and I didn’t even realize it and I didn’t reciprocate. I also thought about the times I have been taken advantage of and how that has changed my ability to trust others. Nonetheless, I’ve been on the side of being right at times and in the wrong at other times.... I have stayed too long in unhealthy relationships... and walked away from what I now realize had potential to be good relationships. I think it’s a fear of loneliness and a fear of missing out and a fear of being a failure behind all these emotions about relationships... my relationship with my parents is crap and you never stop blaming yourself for bad relationships with family.... I’ve moved around a lot in my lifetime... gone through a divorce and then an estrangement with my daughter.... My life has been a bit fragmented. I feel envious of people who have it all together... family and friends.... I feel inadequate and as though I am not good enough.

So I think there are some selfish motivations here that I need to think about.... I need to sift through all these feelings and get them out of the way so that when I meet people I can just be myself and I can just feel like that is enough. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to ramble about this. It’s always there beneath the surface and I really do want to overcome it and just have a few nice friendships.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I can actually relate a bit, Sisabel. I have experienced similar disappointment in wanting to forge through with friendships with various people that it seemed like this is someone I could hand out with. Even my step sister whom I reconnected with this summer after decades was someone I thought more opportunities to hang out would happen. But with these two individuals that I have in mind, just isn't going to happen.
I think I too would have found bringing a clique of friends a bit put offish if that's even the right expression? Disappointing to say the least. Your husband does make a very valid point in my eyes.
I tend to look around me quite often at how other women seem super connected. It's a thought that has weighed on my mind since my divorce and my mom's passing away happened within months of each other. I had my three sons and utterly zero network to local family support. I was my mom's only child. My dad and stepmom at the time lived 45minutes away as does my mom's brother and his family. I have an ex husband who doesn't drive(another story in and of itself) and a bit of disconnect as my closest women friends live states away after.
I've noticed most of the women around me have siblings. Which extends their base of support. Great for them. Less great for me.
I had a cancer scare years ago and sat with my ex as the need to list who is next in line for caring for the kids needed to be a discussion. Then he had a heart attack scare. Sure he's from a big family, but brothers in big families interact much differently than sisters do. Besides his sisters are all my mom's age. It was a December/May type of marriage. And my ex is 3rd youngest of 11...
And it's not that I drift along truly in need of friendships, but it would really be nice to have local friends where random momemts of meeting for coffee or whatever would be nice. So often everyone is wrapped up in their own universes and aren't open to more. I do have a couple friends from work that if I reached out and set up going out that it could happen, but it's work friendships. I never did find in person mother's groups back during the stroller years either ...
It's not that this woman owed you friendship but gosh, where was giving you a chance occurring? Maybe she was nervous about going to a group alone? Maybe the next time could be different? I wouldn't stop going if this was something you enjoyed to begin with.
I hear your disappointment.

Thank you for sharing your own story. It does help to hear other stories and perspectives on this. I tend to get stuck in my own head and build negative stories for myself...

You make a good point about larger families having a support network already in place. That’s something I miss out on and when I meet people with a close-knit family I just assume my friendship is not really needed. I generally just feel out of place wherever I go.

It was very off-putting that my neighbor brought her own cliquish friends to something I invited her to. I thought she would be a nice friend. I feel no inclination to invite her to anything again though. She is a nice neighbor so that’s a positive... I’ll just appreciate that and keep a friendly distance from now on.

I’ll keep giving the group a try like you suggested. Maybe it will be better next time.... up until now it has been a pretty balanced group and not at all obnoxious. I will keep making the effort to socialize... but as someone else here already said... good manners aren’t really in style so I will need to be more careful. As a side note... a silly Facebook quiz said my ideal country to live in would be Japan.... because people are generally more quiet and manners are important... I could always move to Japan. Lol.

[saidso]

who is the part reaching out to these friends and what does she need in order to feel more hopeful about it all. One tactic that I use to face discomfort or disappointment - is to allow some time to discuss it with myself inside

I'm running around like a mad thing today, so please excuse my quoting myself. I was trying to say something about taking time to self-care around disappointment and hope.

I don't like drunks, I don't like people who are late, in fact the number of things that I don't like could potenatially cancel out 98% of people as potential friends and probably does. However, I am beginning to realise that I have to give care and attention to my needs and painful emotions, and then.... a lot more people are drawn to me. There will always be a small number who hate my guts for reasons of their own. However, I feel at ease with more people than I did before.

We are different, you and I, so what works for me may not work for you. I don't think that I've had a lot of negative experiences of friendship. Just I haven't given much space for friendship in my life before - too many hours working and like you I've moved around.

I do think you seem to blame people for stuff like "taking advantage" whereas to me that would signal that I made a mistake about my boundaries. Shifting the cause to something that I can learn to do better makes me less dependent upon others behaviour. Perhaps I'm just over independent.

Re. your drunk neighbour and friends: yes I had a houseguest for a month recently who was drinking and her behavour disgusted me and exhausted me for weeks after she left. I spent hours sleeping to get over it, and I would never ever invite her again.

It just takes one nice person to balance out the equation, however.

Hugs, and hopefulness coming your way this morning!!!!!

[saidso]

I think it’s a fear of loneliness and a fear of missing out and a fear of being a failure behind all these emotions about relationships... my relationship with my parents is crap and you never stop blaming yourself for bad relationships with family....

Tell your hubby why you need friends, get him to listen kindly to your experiences. He sounds a bit stuck in his ways, but I am sure that your couple will benefit when you have a few friends and feel happier. Talk to him a bit, open up... see how he feels about having other people connected to your relationship?

He sounds a bit like a wet blanket and suspicious of change, but potentially caring. You could tell him about the alternative of moving to Japen .

Oh gosh, I am still nervous about meeting those people - inside me there are lots of insecurities. Neither you nor I grew up with good examples of friendships so we have to learn how to walk all by ourselves.

Originally Posted by saidso

who is the part reaching out to these friends and what does she need in order to feel more hopeful about it all. One tactic that I use to face discomfort or disappointment - is to allow some time to discuss it with myself inside


I'm running around like a mad thing today, so please excuse my quoting myself. I was trying to say something about taking time to self-care around disappointment and hope.


I don't like drunks, I don't like people who are late, in fact the number of things that I don't like could potenatially cancel out 98% of people as potential friends and probably does. However, I am beginning to realise that I have to give care and attention to my needs and painful emotions, and then.... a lot more people are drawn to me. There will always be a small number who hate my guts for reasons of their own. However, I feel at ease with more people than I did before.


We are different, you and I, so what works for me may not work for you. I don't think that I've had a lot of negative experiences of friendship. Just I haven't given much space for friendship in my life before - too many hours working and like you I've moved around.


I do think you seem to blame people for stuff like "taking advantage" whereas to me that would signal that I made a mistake about my boundaries. Shifting the cause to something that I can learn to do better makes me less dependent upon others behaviour. Perhaps I'm just over independent.


Re. your drunk neighbour and friends: yes I had a houseguest for a month recently who was drinking and her behavour disgusted me and exhausted me for weeks after she left. I spent hours sleeping to get over it, and I would never ever invite her again.


It just takes one nice person to balance out the equation, however.


Hugs, and hopefulness coming your way this morning!!!!!

You’re right about the boundary thing.... it’s a better perspective... versus the blaming. It’s myself I don’t trust then.

I would go insane if I had a house guest for a month. I don’t know how you managed that. I like people only in smaller doses.

Thank you for the hugs and good vibes. I appreciated your feedback. I committed myself for a couple events over the next few weeks. I will keep trying...

Originally Posted by saidso

I think it’s a fear of loneliness and a fear of missing out and a fear of being a failure behind all these emotions about relationships... my relationship with my parents is crap and you never stop blaming yourself for bad relationships with family....


Tell your hubby why you need friends, get him to listen kindly to your experiences. He sounds a bit stuck in his ways, but I am sure that your couple will benefit when you have a few friends and feel happier. Talk to him a bit, open up... see how he feels about having other people connected to your relationship?


He sounds a bit like a wet blanket and suspicious of change, but potentially caring. You could tell him about the alternative of moving to Japen .


Oh gosh, I am still nervous about meeting those people - inside me there are lots of insecurities. Neither you nor I grew up with good examples of friendships so we have to learn how to walk all by ourselves.

Hubby and I talk openly with each other about our feelings. He is a great friend to me... truly my best friend. He will go out with other couples if I invite him to but I respect that he prefers to keep to himself. I’m not nervous to go out and meet people by myself. I’m just frustrated that my friendships haven’t gone well... I am trying to look at my own behaviors now... versus everybody else’s....

[s4ndm4n2006]

the thing to ask yourself is how you end up in this situation - not in a judgmental way but more analytically. My first question in the situation written out in your OP, I would point out you said you were "hoping to befriend her." Implying that you may not know this person very well in the first place. How well did you know her before inviting her into your group? Could it be perhaps you're rushing into joining groups, meeting people, befriending them and such and not allowing things to happen naturally ? I'll tell you a secret, no one "effortlessly" makes friends. Not ones that count anyway, and sure there are the socialites that are very much outgoing and it may seem to be that way but if you were to look closer, they are social and outgoing but many if not most of their connections are very thin. Almost all people really do only need and have a couple of really close friends and that's really all you need.

Stick to the groups, but don't get too caught up in making connections instantly or even quickly. It takes time to get to know people. Let it happen as you become a regular and everyone becomes acquainted with you and vice versa. Don't quit because of a few obnoxious turds (pardon the term but I think it's fitting). Because there are always a couple or even a few of them anytime there is a group of any number. Let that go, enjoy the groups with things you enjoy and let friendships happen as they come.

It can't be forced, there is no secret formula and the only thing you "may" be doing wrong is quitting and giving up too soon

Hang in there.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

the thing to ask yourself is how you end up in this situation - not in a judgmental way but more analytically. My first question in the situation written out in your OP, I would point out you said you were "hoping to befriend her." Implying that you may not know this person very well in the first place. How well did you know her before inviting her into your group? Could it be perhaps you're rushing into joining groups, meeting people, befriending them and such and not allowing things to happen naturally ? I'll tell you a secret, no one "effortlessly" makes friends. Not ones that count anyway, and sure there are the socialites that are very much outgoing and it may seem to be that way but if you were to look closer, they are social and outgoing but many if not most of their connections are very thin. Almost all people really do only need and have a couple of really close friends and that's really all you need.

Stick to the groups, but don't get too caught up in making connections instantly or even quickly. It takes time to get to know people. Let it happen as you become a regular and everyone becomes acquainted with you and vice versa. Don't quit because of a few obnoxious turds (pardon the term but I think it's fitting). Because there are always a couple or even a few of them anytime there is a group of any number. Let that go, enjoy the groups with things you enjoy and let friendships happen as they come.

It can't be forced, there is no secret formula and the only thing you "may" be doing wrong is quitting and giving up too soon

Hang in there.

Good advice. I do like to look at things analytically. In some cases I think I do stick things out too long and then in others I agree with you that I give up too soon. Thank you for your thoughtful feedback. I will let that marinate for a bit.

[saidso]

Sorry if what I wrote didn't fit or seemed inappropriate. Wasn't meant negatively or critically - more wishing for you to come home when/ if disappointed and to feel comforted.
Good luck!
saidso