[peerue]

My 20 year old daughter is frustrated by our house rules and has told us she is moving into her boyfriend's parent's home, and getting her own phone (we currently pay for everything) because she is done with everything. We pay for her brother to go to college and his rental house at college, along with his food. We told her if she didn't want to go to a school of some kind, then she had to be working work full time. She's struggled with several jobs in the last 6 months and is currently looking for one at this time.
Here is my problem, she is "moving out", in a fit of anger, and it's making me angry because we do so much for her, and she obviously doesn't appreciate any of it, and I don't know how to curb these feelings. We would do anything in the world to set here up for success, help find an apt., help furnish it, etc. and I guess I'm feeling angry that it means nothing to her. I mean, how do I act now? Do I go with my anger and say fine, it's our bedroom furniture, we paid for the car, the phone, etc, so you figure it out (which is what my anger is saying), or here, take what you need, we want you to be set up to start your adult life on your own, how can we help (which is what we would have done had she decided to move out on good terms, not in a fit of anger).

We want to set both of our kids up for success and we can financially help them get on their feet. We pay for all of her brother's living expenses, food, car insurance, phone while he is in school. We4 don't want to be unfair to her just because she isn't in school. I don't know, I'm truly struggling with my emotions over it all.

[Skeezyks]

Hello peerue: Thank you for sharing your concern here on PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

Realistically I'm probably not the best member, here on PC, to be advising you with regard to your concern. Hopefully there will be other members who will have advice they can share. Off the cuff, so to speak, my thinking on this would be to allow your daughter to have, & take with her, anything you have provided her with up to now. It's hers, you gave it to her & it belongs to her now.

At the same time, I would think it would make sense not to continue to pay for any ongoing expenses related to such things as her car, her phone, etc. She'll either have to figure out a way to cover those ongoing expenses herself, give the items back to you voluntarily, or perhaps sell them if she must. Your daughter is 20 years old. She's an adult & she's essentially going out on her own. She has to accept, & deal with, the realities of her move from this point on it seems to me.

You mentioned the difficulty you're having dealing with your anger over this situation. Here again, hopefully there will be other members who will have perhaps some personal experiences they can share. My perspective is that what is important here is to strive to remian as objective as possible while acknowledging your hurt feelings & allowing them to simply be there... because they already are.

Here are links to 8 articles, from Psych Central's archives, 3 that offer suggestions for managing anger, 4 on the subject of handling painful emotions, plus an article on improving mother / daughter relationships:

Anger Management

Take Control of Your Anger

How to Express Your Anger Effectively

How to Listen to Your Emotions

How to Sit with Painful Emotions

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/culti...nful-emotions/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-step...nful-emotions/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-insi...relationships/

My best wishes to you & your family.

[healingme4me]

It think there's too much pressure to not be that parent who has been unfair or chosen favorites or played favoritism. But here's the thing, I think that it's fine to be mindful of those things while they are younger and developing. Here's both of your kids now, same parents, same rules growing up etc. Except now in comes their own personalities and life choices. Your son sounds like he's following his goals and I'd imagine showing some semblance of gratitude while your daughter sounds like she's spitting in your face to spite herself. Maybe set aside money into a trust fund for a future time that perhaps when the time is right and she's sorted herself and is taking a more personally responsible path for herself you can help with a future down payment on a home or even a trust for a future grandchilds college funds. She has gone through how many jobs? Why toss good money on bad at this point?

It's not your fault.

My father, because he wanted us to be successful and not to suffer in life, has provided us with everything. I mean everything from food, to school tuition, that we didn't have to work one day in our life. I have found out that my father has high expectation because of this. He expected us to dress a certain way. Not to grow a beard, even if it's trimmed and look nice. Not to talk freely with anyone. Not to go anywhere you want. In other words, I feel my father wants my freedom in exchange for his providing, under the excuse that he wants me to be successful. He constantly criticized me on everything he didn't like. He still does. To me, this is a huge issue, because I value my freedom. I want to have my own life and not to be told what to do and say, or where to go.

In retrospect, I think his over-protection wasn't good for either of us. Now, I feel I am weak to live in a world full of hardships. We are not in good terms, and we barely speak. Am I ungrateful? Maybe, but money is not everything in life. Freedom and respect and love are more important, in my opinion. Of course, I would like to have a support system when I need it, but I would have preferred if he gave me less money, and more freedom to explore the world and develop my character.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by peerue

My 20 year old daughter is frustrated by our house rules and has told us she is moving into her boyfriend's parent's home, and getting her own phone (we currently pay for everything) because she is done with everything. We pay for her brother to go to college and his rental house at college, along with his food. We told her if she didn't want to go to a school of some kind, then she had to be working work full time. She's struggled with several jobs in the last 6 months and is currently looking for one at this time.
Here is my problem, she is "moving out", in a fit of anger, and it's making me angry because we do so much for her, and she obviously doesn't appreciate any of it, and I don't know how to curb these feelings. We would do anything in the world to set here up for success, help find an apt., help furnish it, etc. and I guess I'm feeling angry that it means nothing to her. I mean, how do I act now? Do I go with my anger and say fine, it's our bedroom furniture, we paid for the car, the phone, etc, so you figure it out (which is what my anger is saying), or here, take what you need, we want you to be set up to start your adult life on your own, how can we help (which is what we would have done had she decided to move out on good terms, not in a fit of anger).

We want to set both of our kids up for success and we can financially help them get on their feet. We pay for all of her brother's living expenses, food, car insurance, phone while he is in school. We4 don't want to be unfair to her just because she isn't in school. I don't know, I'm truly struggling with my emotions over it all.

Honestly I understand wanting to set up kids for success but when they are being ungrateful buttheads, then is not the time to go out of your way for them or it pretty much supports the bad attitude and behavior. You know you'll do everything you can for her but she won't see it right now except as getting away with being ungrateful and it sets a precedent.

My take is she doesn't take any of the stuff with her but is allowed to go. you can show support in her making a decision without saying that you agree with it or that you support the behavior. She'll likely calm down and come to her senses especially if she finds out her bf's parents have expectations too. just let that happen and go from there, whether it means she comes running back or even just treats you with respect in the future, just let it happen for now.

I don't say this lightly and know this won't / isn't easy but I think it's a critical moment right now. Try to keep your composure and stance without acting out in anger at the moment as hard as it might be, it will help leave the situation in a way where she doesn't have reasons to point at how terrible you were when she left and may help her come to her senses sooner.

hope this helps.

[QUOTE=peerue;6412726]

Hello Peerue. That sounds frustrating and stressful for you and your hub. I would like to point out that you are doing an awful LOT for your ADULT children. My parents didn't have the money to pay for my university or my siblings so we took out loans and worked as much as possible. it didn't hurt a single one of us! We learned the value of money and the importance of building our own autonomy. I am now in my late 30s and a successful professional many years out from completion of grad school. I still have debt but I chip away at it. I don't believe that my parents or the world owed me a free ride. Beyond the age of 18 I think adults need to be treated as adults. Even prior to that I think they should be having some sort of job to learn self-discipline and how to manage money even if it's only a small amount per week.

I understand your desire to support your children financially...to set them up for success. I am also wondering if you are doing too much? Just a thought. There's a parenting quote which I think is really powerful: "You want to give you kids enough such that they can do something but not so much that they won't do anything." Does that resonate with you at all?

20 is too old to be having mum and dad paying for everything. That doesn't foster self-discipline and the development of autonomy. You may find the research on "helicopter parenting" and millennials very useful. Particularly with regard to their self-esteem and mental health. Turns out that indulgence and help at every step in life does not actually lead to confident and resilient adults...it tends to have the opposite effect. Some research from universities is indicating the millenials (compared to prior generations) tend to be the most emotionally brittle and more prone to anxiety and depression because they have been so heavily monitored and indulged by their parents. They are learning the hard way that life isn't easy and struggling is part of being human. For example, research indicates that some of these kids are completely falling apart after a break-up with a bf/gf or getting less than an A on an exam. I had one professor who told me she had many students who actually felt entitled to As regardless of their ability or efforts. Yikes! Some researchers link that to the "everyone's a winner" and "everyone gets a prize" movement with young children.

I don't think it matters if one child is in uni and the other is not. They both need to work, learn to support themselves, and find their own way in the world. I assume we are talking about two healthy cognitively intact adults, yes? Correct me if I'm wrong.

I'll tell you about two friends of mine. They are a married couple in their late 40s. They have an adult son who is now about 23. They indulge their son to the point where it honestly startles me at times. He moved out and spent all his money on extravagant gifts for himself so he didn't have anything left for rent. Eventually he moved back with his parents. They pay for everything even though he has a full-time job. They give him money to save for a house and he spends it on gifts for himself and then asked for more. He does not contribute to any expenses. Papa Bear is sick of it and beginning to see that their indulgence is actually stunting his growth rather than fostering it. Mama Bear still perceives her 23 yr old as a baby. She insists on catering to his every whim. Just a story for you which may help you think it through.

If your daughter wants to move out, let her. Give yourself, and her, time to cool off from the anger. Please step back and consider that she is 20 years old and not a minor. She should not be dependent (emotionally or financially) on you and your hub. She needs to grow up and support herself. I think you mentioned that she has trouble holding down jobs. That can be a sign of someone who hasn't yet learned self-discipline. A very very important skill to learn in adulthood. We don't develop self-discipline by having everything done for us. What about you and your folks? Sounds like you and hub are doing well in life Did your folks give absolutely everything to you in adulthood? I have a hunch that they didn't but I could be wrong.

Perhaps part of her frustration is her parents' heavy involvement in every aspect of her life? I've never met parents paying for everything for their adult children who weren't also getting really involved on the emotional side of things...day to day decisions etc. If that sounds like you and you daughter or son, that's really not helpful for any of you. I like to look at both sides in any relationship. Perhaps your daughter perceives you as controlling? I don't know you. I'm just helping you think it through. Perhaps she feels suffocated and wants to stretch her wings on her own? A good thing, right?

Another way to think about it: what's the ultimate goal of parenting? To encourage adult children to always depend on you and hub for everything or to guide your children to go out in the world and build their own autonomous lives?

I recommend consultation with a psychologist to address your side of things...to help you work through the anger and understand why you feel compelled to indulge your adult children.

As for her not seeming grateful...when everything is so very easy...when everything is handed to someone...they lack the perspective of working for things and earning things...hence gratitude is forgotten. I'll never forget my first pay cheque or the grades I worked hard for...what a wonderful feeling to earn those!!!

Peace to your and your clan!

This issue has been a big one for me. My daughter has spent the past decade holding a grudge against me and a big part of it is that I didn’t financially support her when she chose not to go to college. Not only that, she spent a couple of years not even working at all. It was a mess. I made it clear I would help her through college and I would always help her in an emergency. But I wouldn’t support her partying and her poor spending habits. Over the years I did give her furniture and other gifts. Her dad gave her a car but it was old and she didn’t like it so she wouldn’t drive it. Whatever we did try to do... It was never enough and I know she blames me for the bad financial situation she is in now.

I don’t know what I should or would have done differently... but I can tell you that being a doormat and beating myself up over this all these years was destructive and has taken a big toll on me. I’ve always felt like I didn’t do enough for her... yet I have felt completely unappreciated for the things I did do... I feel like a failure as a mother and I feel unhappy when she visits because I just feel pressure to do more and nothing is good enough. I don’t even know now if the pressure is coming from her or me.

At some point, our kids have to take responsibility for their own lives and accept consequences for their own decisions... We all have to do that eventually. I need to take responsibility for the emotions I’ve built up over all this. Some people have suggested I try counseling and I’m saving up some money and considering it...

So don’t do what I did. Make a decision and have faith in yourself that you are doing the best you can do.

[Quarter life]

My Father wanted me in the Navy...I wanted Art School.

The breaking point was when I stood my ground opting for going it alone with Art School against his wishes....I have never really had a conversation with him since. Even though I lived destitute for many years, luckily I had the tenacity of purpose to find my way.

My point is that there has to be a balance...Try finding some compromise between what your expectations are and what she wants. Giving ultimatums is a slippery slope...so try to meet her at least half way.

[sarahsweets]

My daughter turned 18 last feb. She was a senior in high school. March 23 we woke up to a note that she was leaving and we didnt understand her and she loved us blah blah. i knew which hoodlum she was staying with so we waited 2 days. Then we went to that friend's house and towed her car away (the car that we paid for and LET her drive). 2 more days and we suspended her phone. I went to the mother of the hoodlums she was staying with and begged her to send my daughter home and she wouldnt. She stopped going to school and partied doing god knows what with who knows what. May 13 she showed up on her knees saying the hoodlums kicked her out and she was homeless. (my soul ached to gather her up and tell her it would be ok) but we told her that her bipolar was out of control and she had stopped taking medication. We dropped her at the psyche ER and told her "you are 18 if you want to get well you have to advocate for yourself" Hardest goodbye I have ever had. She went inpatient for 2 weeks and then Rehab because (you guessed it) the hoodlum family allowed and promoted drugs and alcohol so she ended up an addict. Rehab was in Fl for 42 days. Then home to NJ for rehab-sponsored housing then a sober house. She just left the sober house and is crashing here until she gets into a different one. We had to go to therapy as a family to deal with her loss. I felt like my daughter was dead-she popped back up in our lives just as we were getting to the point that we could accept these terrible choices. Now she works at a store and barely has enough of anything. She goes to 12 step meetings. She missed her prom and graduation. They did let her graduate in December but she was very lucky that she had good grades. I have three kids. She was the one who wasn't grateful and felt entitled. And she still sometimes acts entitled. I dont know if we will ever be the same but I can tell you- let your 20 year old go and be a big girl. Do not make it easy for her. No one is supporting you right? She wants to go live off the bf's parents that is her choice. Hopefully she makes all her mistakes while she is young enough to bounce back. Keeping hard boundaries is tough. Kids are tough. Think of all the really good hard lessons that you learned...were they learned easily and without pain?

[AspiringAuthor]

Look - she is not really starting her adult life. She is swapping one set of parents for another set of parents. She probably hopes that the other set of parents have laxer house rules - let her find out for herself whether this indeed is the case.

You are not required to provide anything for her at this juncture. I would find out from her when she intends to get her own phone and cancel the family phone plan that you have been providing for her from that date on.

The other parents' house must be furnished, so the issue of bedroom furniture is not going to come up.

Let the other parents deal with some of it.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

My daughter turned 18 last feb. She was a senior in high school. March 23 we woke up to a note that she was leaving and we didnt understand her and she loved us blah blah. i knew which hoodlum she was staying with so we waited 2 days. Then we went to that friend's house and towed her car away (the car that we paid for and LET her drive). 2 more days and we suspended her phone. I went to the mother of the hoodlums she was staying with and begged her to send my daughter home and she wouldnt. She stopped going to school and partied doing god knows what with who knows what. May 13 she showed up on her knees saying the hoodlums kicked her out and she was homeless. (my soul ached to gather her up and tell her it would be ok) but we told her that her bipolar was out of control and she had stopped taking medication. We dropped her at the psyche ER and told her "you are 18 if you want to get well you have to advocate for yourself" Hardest goodbye I have ever had. She went inpatient for 2 weeks and then Rehab because (you guessed it) the hoodlum family allowed and promoted drugs and alcohol so she ended up an addict. Rehab was in Fl for 42 days. Then home to NJ for rehab-sponsored housing then a sober house. She just left the sober house and is crashing here until she gets into a different one. We had to go to therapy as a family to deal with her loss. I felt like my daughter was dead-she popped back up in our lives just as we were getting to the point that we could accept these terrible choices. Now she works at a store and barely has enough of anything. She goes to 12 step meetings. She missed her prom and graduation. They did let her graduate in December but she was very lucky that she had good grades. I have three kids. She was the one who wasn't grateful and felt entitled. And she still sometimes acts entitled. I dont know if we will ever be the same but I can tell you- let your 20 year old go and be a big girl. Do not make it easy for her. No one is supporting you right? She wants to go live off the bf's parents that is her choice. Hopefully she makes all her mistakes while she is young enough to bounce back. Keeping hard boundaries is tough. Kids are tough. Think of all the really good hard lessons that you learned...were they learned easily and without pain?

I read this and it was very impacting to me. I mean it doesn't say as much as I think but "good job" comes to mind, it is absolutely not easy to show the toughness many young people need today. I can only hope and try to be able to do what you did here with my kids!

I'm glad she is not lost too and hopefully even if she will never be the same it's in a way that is for the better

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, peerue I understand this must be a very difficult situation for you. I'm not a parent, but if you still want to hear my advice, I'd suggest to just let her make her own decisions. She is an adult, after all, so she has every right to do so, no matter how wrong their decisions may seem. However, even if she decised to move on, I'd also suggest not to cut her out of your life completely. Keep the door open for her. If she realizes she's made a mistake, or she's struggling, try to be there for her - not only financially (that's your decision) but emotionally as well. I feel like that's the best compromise. I'm so sorry, I know it's not an easy situation, but she does need to develop her own personality and make her own decisions. And yes, even make mistakes. Hopefully one day she'll be more grateful towards you and realize how much you've done for her. But now may not be the moment. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you