Husband Walked Out

Just my two cents. I haven't read all of the comments but your husband sounds abusive and you would be better off without him in your life. My ex had mental issues, and was abusive. He did something very similar to what you described. He was obsessed with the idea I was a pathological liar and freaked over a Facebook post. I had put birthday flowers instead of saying he gave me flowers after a horrible fight where he called the police on me. He stormed out in the middle of dinner saying he doesn't like "liars". He didn't return until hours later drunk and tried to physically drag me out of the house.

The abuse escalated. I finally left.

Well said! I don't think you are pushing him at all, Doglover. In fact, you are being an absolute sweetheart by making him dinner, trying to have a conversation with him, etc. (You are better than me, I don't think I could find grace in my heart to make dinner for someone like that!)

And if he really wanted space, he could spend a night at his buddy's. But he comes home every night, and shows off to you that he is ignoring you by sleeping right next to you with his back turned to you (again, passive-aggressive).

But to second what Open Eyes said, please make sure you get some sleep, eat well, and take care of yourself so you can have the strength to approach this challenge.

“There is no point in being in a relationship that is not mutually beneficial.”

My best friend just said to me.

Woah.....his comment about that not being cheating would be a HUGE red flag for me. What exactly does he define cheating as? If he doesn't think that is cheating is he doing that in your own marriage because he chooses NOT to define it as cheating so it's ok? If he were my H no matter how short of time we were married he would have some serious answering to do.

Sounds like you are both on different pages when it comes to the definition of fidelity in a marriage. Something that should have been resolved before marriage but since it wasn't it needs to be settled NOW.

You probably could have handled the situation better if you hadn't become emotional BUT no matter what, there is a serious definition problem that needs to be resolved.

He walked out on you for that....I think the comment on cheating was the problem not your emotional outburst. If he had just respected your question & answered you instead of becoming defensive it never would have escalated to that point. There is something seriously WRONG with this picture that needs a resolution. Don't let it be the elephant in the room that no one talks about.....or it will haunt you the rest of your marriage.

I had another ex that would do that. Instead of talking to me, he would just...storm out. Sometimes he would be gone for the entire night. I later found out he had been having an affair. Your husband's actions sound very suspicious to me. Emotionally healthy people do not just "storm out" over things like this or give you the silent treatment. He IS ABUSING YOU. There is no reason to be sleeping next to someone that isn't your spouse and the fact that he felt so strongly about this is bizarre.

Well I would never accept my husband sleeping in even the same room as another woman let alone sharing a bed.

Your description of his phrasing however brings me to wonder about the nature of your relationship and past arguments. If this is not the first discussion, and ensuing argument, about cheating I do in fact see cause for him to walk away in frustration. I would really then need to know the history between you two to pass a real judgement on this. What previous actions and situations have arisen causing similar discussions?

My take on it, from personal experience with being cheated on, tells me that when they get angry over the whole "cheating" issue, means that they are doing something elsewhere.

Mmhmmm...thou doeth protest too loudly...

TV is TV and reality is reality. On TV what starts innocent will not stay that way, that is just how TV works. Real life is different. I had a visitor not long time ago and we slept in the same room even if they are working on a relationship. I have slept in the same bed for practical reasons with my best friend, and she is in a long term relationship. It's absolutely not sexual at all having her snoring in my ear.

But on TV they put in hints and stuff. And have girls sleep in see through clothes, which no one uses IRL, hopefully.

One can qualify their definition rationally without having to storm off. After all....marriage is all about communicating

Hi everyone. Update.

I was really, really stupid and spent a few days believing that everything was back to normal and okay. My husband never apologized for what he did but told me he forgave me for overreacting and that he was not leaving me, and I was so stupid and relieved to have him around and someone to talk to that I didn’t mention anything he did and welcomed him with open arms. We spent the last three days having a great time and really enjoying each other and everything felt like it was perfect. And then tonight all hell broke loose again and he’s threatening to leave me again.

So, for background, I don’t have a drivers license. I have extreme anxiety and am just now at the point where I’m starting to get comfortable behind the wheel and thinking of finally getting my license. My husband knew this when he married me and when we were dating he always dropped me off and picked me up from work if he was free to (if he was not than my parents always would) Well today he had a bad day at work and came to pick me up afterwards since I get off later. When I got in the car he asked if I’d make dinner when we got home and I said of course (I’m not the greatest cook but I can make simple things). By the time we got home he said “Never mind, I’ll cook” and I said why, I’m happy to make something for you, and he kept insisting to just forget it, he’ll cook. Well, after he ate, he told me he had something to tell me. I said what, and he told me he is extremely resentful towards me because I do nothing for him. I don’t cook, I don’t drive, and I never clean (which is not true; I clean a lot). He said it’s only a matter of time till the resentment gets to be more than he can take because all I do is take and never give. I got really upset at this and started crying, and he said “See, you obviously haven’t learned from last time. So I guess I will be leaving on Monday. I can’t be around you anymore”

He said a lot of truly hurtful things, including that he feels I’m a child, that I’m not worth his time, and that he’s wasted 3 years of his life on me. I feel so broken and worthless.

So you have parents in the area? Call them and tell them you are being treated poorly and you have to move back in for awhile. Then start working on your own well being: career, job, education. Ask them to borrow money for divorce. File for divorce and perhaps look into annulment. Trust me he isn’t worth another minute of your life. Please don’t let anyone tell you that you have to put up with for another day.

PS ton of people all over the world are successful and productive members of society and they never owned driver license. Driving isn’t a requirement to happy life

It's not fair for your husband to play mind games like this. I agree with divine. Leave him first. He's not worth it.

Thanks to everyone that commented the last few days. I didn’t want my husband to see me on here so that’s why I was inactive, but now I just don’t care if I’m caught. I need someone badly and you all have been all I’ve had.

I think you already know that your husband is verbally abusing you. You don't have to curse someone out or call them names to be emotionally unhealthy for them. You husband sounds unhappy with the relationship, and unable to maturely put this into words so he is emotionally manipulating you and playing mind games.

Do you have family or friends you can stay with? You say your husband is your ride to work. My biggest fear is that he is going to just up and leave you without a ride to work. Did all of this behavior come on within the last several months, or has he always behaved like this?

Also, please don't buy into his BS about you not doing anything. My ex did the same things to me. Every time I tried to help him he ridiculed how I did it so I eventually just stopped doing it. He would get super super super nasty to me and say "i have a girl who thinks doing the dishes is enough".

Wow, my husband does the same thing your ex did. Every time I do try to cook or clean he takes over and says I’m “doing it wrong” and gets mad that I can’t do one simple thing.

He Has been like this for a long time. He told me once that he thinks he has BPD, but he’s never done anything about it. I’ve begged him to go to therapy but he won’t. I’m worried about getting to work too and afraid I may have to quit my job eventually.

The important thing to understand about this dysfunctional way your husband is behaving Doglover is that it can have a negative long term affect on you that can affect the way you think about yourself. You seriously don't want to develop negative tapes in your mind and you have already begun to believe that his being unhappy is all your fault. You are still very young yet Doglover and you have already been in a relationship with this guy for too long where he has gained too much control over you. Also, he KNOWS you are dependent on him and he is chosing to use that against you whereas a healthier partner would be way more supportive when it comes to your gaining on your sense of ability and independence.

You never answer the question of do you have parents that can help you either. Can you talk about your parents?

I do have parents that could help me, but I am afraid they will mock me for it. I don’t want to be the family joke that’s judged by everyone for having a ruined marriage already. They told me not to get married if I was not serious and sure this was what I wanted, and now I know they will see this as me giving up.

You are assuming though Doglover, that's a very unhelpful mindset for you to have. If you have a family that you can turn to, that's always a plus in that you have someplace to go when you are in a bad situation that is unhealthy for you. You are only 23 years old, so you made a mistake with this relationship, it's clear you just did not know NORMAL for your age in that you simply don't have the life skills YET to know better. Remember, a lot of the people posting to you ARE sharing their own personal experiences, I didn't have that when I was your age, I can definitely look back and see the red flags I missed where I chose to stay instead of ending the relationship that continued to expose me to a lot of unhealthy experiences that were very unhealthy for me. Honestly, often the bravest wisest thing to do is in fact, end it and walk away.

You are in an abusive unhealthy relationship, at this point your partner is no interesting in changing his behavior either, he is instead continuing his pattern of abuse. There is nothing to mock you about if you recognize that and choose to walk away from this relationship and see where your own weaknesses are an instead choose to focus more on yourself now where you can become a more "indepedent" person.

I can say that I WISH I had seen that my attempt to better myself and grow as a person at your age was DEFINITELY negatively impacted by my husband's dysfunctional behavior patterns that he often chose to blame on me. The "oh but I love him" IS NOT ENOUGH, I paid a hefty price for that mindset.

I WISH there was a site like this when I was going through all of that way back when I was your age. You are lucky that you have this site and can find people that can help you see the LIGHT.

You mentioned that you don't know how to cook? Well, that's so fixable as there are lots of cookbooks out there, ones you can even probably find at the library you work at where you can xerox different recipies that you can try and actually you may even find that you like cooking.

You CAN learn to drive too, you can get the hang of it Doglover, you can get over that nervous feeling you have that is normal to a lot of new drivers just learning.

I have to comment on you “giving up”. It’s not you “giving up” it’s you protecting your sanity and your future because if you stick around abuse will escalate. Plus he doesn’t sound like he wants to be married either. So your family can’t expect you to live this way!

Some people either get treated and acknowledge they have a problem, or just don't. My fiance showed signs of bi polar disorder, along with narcissism. I stayed for three years encouraging him to seek treatment. Meanwhile, he forced me off my medication through mind games and verbal abuse(he would randomly go "sniff sniff" implying he thought I looked high and snorted coke, or he would refuse to talk to me and say I looked "drugged out"). He slowly ate away at my self identity and worth until I was pretty much just a hot mess. Then it became a very dangerous game of "I am fine, you're not". I ended up the "unstable" one, I ended up the nut case. Then when I told him to sod off, and that I acknowledge I have some issues and I will be treating myself accordingly he now says he wants to help and says it is a "step" for me because of my issues.

Do you make enough at your job where you could rent a room or an apartment near there and use public transit? Uber, taxi, bus, or even walk. Make a plan NOW because he is showing dangerous signs of being ready to walk out on you. If it is just a part time job, start contacting friends and family who would be willing to take you in and then leave your job and stabilize yourself somewhere else. Do not stay in a toxic relationship for a job.

I think Doglover was referring to borderline personality disorder (BPD). (Just as a side note, bipolar is a big challenge, but it does not make people dysfunctional in relationships.) Borderline however, tends to figure heavily in relationships. It is a disordered way of dealing with the world.

BUT. It does not matter one iota WHAT his issue is. He is abusive. PERIOD. That's all you need to know. Don't fall into the trap of trying to figure out what his problem is (I don't think you are, but just in case --don't go there) and "fix" them, because it is an utter waste of time and energy, time and energy that are needed to help YOU.

Now, onto helping you. I hope you do consider reaching out to your family. Try not to predict their reaction. Think of it this way -- Would they seriously want you to be abused?? Even *if* their reaction is less than ideal, I'm guessing they'll step up to the plate.

I just want to add that considering that you already struggle with anxiety that dealing with your husband's imaturity and how he reacts to your challenge is not going to contribute to your healing and gaining on your ability to overcome your challenges in this area.

In all honesty, I pretty much figured that one of the reasons you stopped responding in your thread was due to his suddenly deciding he was not going to leave you. So, you gave in, yet, you found out within about three days that he was once again going to treat you badly and once again threaten to leave you. This is NOT healthy for you and can make your anxiety challenges even worse. I can see you are very young and naive yet and your self esteem is very low. The last thing you need is someone who makes that even worse.

You say you are in therapy, have you shared this challenge in therapy?