Husband Walked Out

Yeah, I’m so afraid that I’ve made him this way with the way I act...😔

I guess I just wonder if maybe I’m abusive too without meaning to be? He says I pick fights a lot and overreact, and I really don’t mean to

I was seeing it that way too, until I thought what if I deserve it? What if I have been abusive too and didn’t even mean to be?

Thank you, I will

I do wanna work on improving my life; it’s just that I don’t know what that means without him. I’ve built so much of it around him that I’m lost now. And he is starting to make me question whether I have been abusive with my actions too. I never meant to be, but is it possible to be abusive not on purpose? Maybe my freaking out and crying would drive anyone to this point

I know you have anxiety and feel insecure about yourself. What you need to do is to stop listening to his BS -- you are feeding into his manipulation of you and you are believing his blame towards you, his accusations and cruel words. Look at it as just that -- accusations that are false. Crying because he is mean IS NOT ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. Do NOT believe his words. Let them wash over you like water. DON'T FEED INTO IT. He is being manipulative.

Please do read those articles I sent earlier about abuse tactics. They will help. I can send them to you in a PM if you like.

I am going to try to get extra hours. I feel so stupid for setting this situation up for myself.

I’m trying to see it this way and I was for awhile; I just have never seen him this upset and hurt and it kills me to think I did this. Even if it is just a charade to make me upset, it is sure working. He is good at making me feel sorry for him.

I read the articles before bed, and they were really helpful so thank you. I fully recognize now that this is abuse, but it’s still so fresh that I feel paralyzed and unable to do anything besides cry

Yeah, it is truly sad how ready he is to give up just like that😔

Yeah, I have begged and pleaded with him to just have a conversation with me and talk through everything and he absolutely will not. When he’s mad, he cuts me off completely, like I never even existed, and he only acknowledges me to tell me how much of a screw up I am.

Yeah, I just have a really hard time asking for help. But I may have no other choice.

All the more reason to take a good hard look at why you'd want him back after all of this.

Glad they helped. I just sent them to you in a PM in case you didn't have a chance to read them. Please absorb and perhaps even re-read the abuse tactics I laid out in the articles.

You are accepting his blame towards you; please don't do that to yourself. Again, please do not listen to his words and accusations. It's all an act of manipulation and is a control and abuse tactic.

He wants you to think this is all your fault and all your problem. HE is the problem. How many times has he threatened to leave? How many times has he made you cry because of his treatment towards you? How many times do you feel he has been mean towards you? Do you see what I am saying?

Thank you again for the encouragement ❤️ I’m trying to hold on to the tiny sliver of self-respect that I have left.

Thank you, I see what you are saying. I couldn’t even count the amount of times he has made me cry without remorse and has said nasty things to me. Deep down I know that I don’t deserve that. No one deserves that.

YES. DO hold onto it. He is bullying you.

EXACTLY.

How were you even supposed to know this would be your situation? Certainly society tells us to plan for a rainy day, but I don't quite feel this is that type of a rainy day.

How were you supposed to know that life as you were planning it-with hopes, dreams and plans was going to come crumbling down around you? He vowed to Honor you several weeks ago. He's not Honoring you! Be gentle to yourself.

I just lost my whole family over something seemingly as trivial. It doesn’t matter the catalyst, the underlying issue is way deeper.

First of all, if he doesn’t consider cheating sleeping in a bed with another woman, his core values are problematic for you, so that’s the bottom line. You weren’t wrong in the least in your feelings and expression here. You hit a nerve and he ‘doth protest too much’.

When's your next therapy appointment? I know mine has a nifty book of various resources.

What he is doing (by leaving) is emotional blackmail.....in other words, if he is upset he will leave. he is immature and abusive.

From what I’ve read, absolutely not. The part where he tried to blame you for his behaviors is called GASLIGHTING, and it’s emotional abuse. What you’ve written about your own behavior is not abusive at all, and you certainly don’t deserve his response. You do deserve a mature, supportive partner who is willing to hear your side of an important conversation without walking out or improperly projecting blame.

((Doglover)), hopefully you were able to at least get "some" sleep last night. It's good that you did reach out for help and that you even searched and found this support site. Looking for support is a good thing in that in your relationship and given how young you are, you definitely need to have support.

Relationships and how to have a healthy one is most definitely something most people ask about and struggle with. And a lot of individuals grew up in homes where the parents did not have a healthy relationship, I know for myself that was what I saw growing up. I did not have the resources available to me the way you have either (I am 62). I was 24 when I got married, and looking back with all I have learned, there were a lot of red flags I missed that resulted in my having a long "unhealthy" relationship. I can say for certain how that saying "Love is blind" is true.

In your relationship, the truth is both of you are still very immature and very inexperienced. What does stand out to me with your husband is how his parents allowed him to walk all over them and be disrespectful towards them. That is a tough one because that resulted in how your husband doesn't understand boundaries. He even believes that if he is unhappy with you that he can just move right back in with his mommy and daddy, he already knows he can USE them as he wishes and he uses that as leverage. And it doesn't sound like you have that available to you am I right? If that is true than he can also use that as leverage too.

Walking down the isle and saying vows and getting to say "I am married" and "my husband", doesn't change a relationship. Truth is a lot of people make the mistake of giving that too much status and importance. And even now a lot of young females get married thinking they now have "someone to take care of them". The last thing a woman in the position needs to hear is "there is nothing wrong with playing around and sleeping in a bed with a woman that is not your wife". The fact that your husband did not want to hear that is "not ok" and would upset YOU, is most definitely a huge red flag. Now, adding he got so angry about that he stomped off and said, "I am leaving you and going home to mommy", is a "screaming red flag". The fact that you ended up getting so upset and so desperate is yet again another serious red flag.

I will be honest with you in that one of the things my husband did was he would tend to blame me, that I am the sick one, that I am the one that needs help. And you know what? He was right about that because the truth is I was sick to even STAY WITH HIM. The problem with that is that's what I watched my own mother do, she stayed in an unhealthy relationship. At that time so many years ago, divorce = failure and often it was the woman's fault still. Over the years that has changed a lot and yet a lot of women still struggle when it comes to experiencing a healthy relationship. Now, I am speaking to you as an older woman to a very young inexperienced woman, and I know some men are reading this thread too, and I am not trying to leave them out as I know there are men that end up in abusive relationships too.

I am going to be honest with you too. I think that you got married too young and that you are in a too dependent position. This is what all your fear and anxiety and stress was revealing yesterday. Your dependence has given him the upper hand, your insecurity has also given him the upper hand, and Doglover, he is way too immature to know how to deal with that. Now, my saying this to you in no way means you are not worthy or that you don't have any value. The truth is, you have not had a chance to develop your value. What happens a lot when individuals get married so young is they have to work and engage in order to thrive, and while they are learning how to make ends meet, they begin to grow and develop their sense of value through experience. Then what happens is they often change and they are not the same person they were when they got married and often they literally outgrow their marriage and end up wanting a divorce or they begin to think about wanting a different kind of partner. Actually, given that I was working with so many young families, I did notice how a lot of couples that were married young were divorcing in their early 30's. The truth is Doglover, that people, both male and female, do grow and mature a lot through their twenties, and by the time they reach 30, they begin to see things from a very different perspective.

I can say with certainty, that your husband is extremely immature. Yet, so are you and it's understandable that you are feeling so vulnerable. This doesn't mean you are worthless or a failure or this troubling relationship is your fault. It's very understandable that you don't know what to do too. Just because you don't know things doesn't mean you can't learn. To think that you should know everything at only 23 years old is really not being fair to yourself because you simply don't have very much experience. That is what your anxiety is saying too, fear and anxiety doesn't mean you are a failure. What it really means is you don't know and you are feeling afraid because you genuinely don't know. His behaviors are clearly showing that he certainly doesn't know and he doesn't even CARE to know at this point because he is VERY immature. Actually, that is what he was saying to you last night too when he said, "just because you cleaned the house doesn't mean I will be nice to you". Come to think about it, his mother always cleaned and cooked, and he never really noticed that or appreciated that and it would not surprise me if he just expects that from a female either. He is not going to consider that of having any actual value either. It actually sounds to me like he is spoiled and entitled to be honest. He is not interested in being available to you emotionally either it genuinely sounds like he always got his way with his parents and he learned that if he stomped and had a hissy fit that he would get his way too.

So right now, the light is on Doglover and you are faced with some realities. You can't ignore them either, because they are definitely not going to go away, they never do, that much I can say and that's what others here are also saying to you, a lot of us here have been there, done that and letting you know the reality and how to change that for yourself. It's good that you are seeing a therapist as a good therapist can help you with your challenged emotions. Yet, that doesn't mean that the realtionship challenges you are experiencing are all your fault. You will need to learn what part of the dysfunction comes from your part and how to work on that, but it's important that you also recognize "his" part in this dysfunction as that is part of learning to recognize important red flags.

I don't think you are wrong. That does seem like cheating and I would be concerned if my spouse thought otherwise. Hopefully he will come back and maybe you can calmly explain to him what triggered your emotion. I am not insinuating that he would cheat, but he may need to hear, in a calm matter, what you consider cheating, that way he will know where you draw the lines!

Yes! Hold on tight. A HUGE part of abuse is slowly chipping away at the other person's self-esteem/self-respect. It puts them right where the abuser wants them -- feeling trapped. And feeling to blame. Sound familiar? He is also very much trying to make you feel guilty. You are NOT. It is part of the abuse.

I can tell you as an example that my exBF LOVED to manipulate people through pity. It was his MO. Acting upset, hurt, even in physical "pain" in order to gain something for himself. That's something that actually is pathetic.

I know it is hard when your self-respect has been damaged like this (been there). But you can do it. Just keep recognizing these manipulations for what they are and forge ahead with the things you need to do. In doing them, your self-esteem will build. Things can often seem impossible. Until they're accomplished! It may well involve putting yourself out there -- asking for help and such. I have a super-hard time asking for help too, but sometimes it is necessary. It will certainly make things much easier. And many people really DO want to help. You'd want to help someone in a similar situation wouldn't you? Of course!

Sending lots of and strength your way.