[Skull&Crossbones]

How do you get over the loss of an attachment figure? Especially when an attachment is so rare and you need and crave interaction with other people. Why do people leave when you need them the most? How many years does it take to stop missing affection, to stop missing a kiss on the forehead? Is it possible to return to the numbness before you experienced what it was like to have physical affection in your life? Is it possible to go back to a time where you didn't want it and you could survive not interacting with other people unless you had to? How long until you can forgive yourself for being so awful and unacceptable that your person could never truly love you for yourself? How do you get over it when there is no one else...often no one to even talk to?

[sarahsweets]

Can you explain what an attachment figure is? I want to participate in the thread but i do not want to assume I know what you mean and get it wrong.

[Skull&Crossbones]

A partner/significant other in this case.

[TishaBuv]

I’m sorry you are in so much pain.

I’d say it takes as long as it takes.

I’ve had a good amount of traumatic abandonment by attachment figures. I’m here trying to cope with it.

[FriendlyJoe]

When you replace them. Finding someone that totally relates and you can be yourself is difficult. Took me 38 years to find someone I've connected with more than anyone I've ever met. In just 1 year She's now my best friend and for the last few months I absolutely love her. She's bipolar 1 like myself. When we go out together it's amazing, I even enjoy doing the small things with her.

Don't think your broken or unworthy. Someone that hunts and fishes won't click with a vegan. They aren't broken or unworthy even though they're hobby is killing animals. :/

I've been married and divorced several times looking for that special someone. In the end it doesnt work. I've found that I'll try to be more like them and less myself. But pretending all the time is exhausting and impossible to keep up. It ends up me low key hating them. I'll find anything to fight with them about. They usually call us crazy, moody, asshole, etc keep in mind we are nothing of those things. Don't try to be something you're not or it will cause you to be very depressed. It's impossible to be something you're not. You might be able to fake it for a long time but it comes at a cost. It wears you down.

I've been bipolar all my life going back to my first memories. I've learned to deal with who I am and grown over the years. I still have my moments but I'm more aware of myself and my moods.

Hang in there.

Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones

Is it possible to go back to a time where you didn't want it and you could survive not interacting with other people unless you had to? How long until you can forgive yourself for being so awful and unacceptable that your person could never truly love you for yourself? How do you get over it when there is no one else...often no one to even talk to?

You should choose your next relationship based on the fact that you "want" to be with that person, and not because you "need" her as means to get over your past relationship.

Why do you think that you are unacceptable? The fact that your significant other left you is her problem; it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you.

[Skull&Crossbones]

I don't imagine ever having an opportunity to be in a relationship again. The opportunity is so rare as it is (it really only happened that once) and as I get older, I imagine work is going to take up all of my time. Oh well, at least now I can imagine what it could be like. Daydreaming relationships/friendships have filled some of the emptiness throughout my life.

And I'm not acceptable because I'm bisexual and not cisgender in a cisgender/straight world. I've lost everyone I've gotten close to at least partly because I'm queer. But it's not like I've proved it yet, so it's not like I really fit in the LGBT world either.

[Skull&Crossbones]

I just need to continue talking to him everyday or every other day. He’s the only person available that I can really have a conversation with. I’ve been initiating a lot lately...but then can’t compete with the real best friend who’s in town and that I never got to meet. But he was good enough to live with him. Not me.

He says we were always missing something, but what? He can’t answer the question and neither can my therapist.

[DP_2017]

I wish I had good advice but grief in any form, is tough and it doesn't really have rules. The thing about grief, is everyone is different, there is no time or way you have to do it. All types of emotions can happen. They are all ok.

Do you have anything you enjoy doing? Try focusing more on things like that and allow yourself to cry if you need to

Hang in there

[Skull&Crossbones]

What really upsets me is I would have gone anywhere with him and done anything for him. And yet he thinks we were always missing something. But who knows what that is. Why did we always have to be compared to other couples? Maybe I'm less affectionate because it's foreign to me and less trusting because I'm just not accepted by people close to me.

I just don't understand why through his words and actions he seemed to intentionally make it more difficult for me to trust or attach again. Why say he'd never live with me because he wouldn't know how to get away from me? Now I'll always be too afraid to live with someone. I certainly will never ask or suggest to another person that we should live together, not like I'd have the opportunity anyway. Why say you would do something that's important to me when you had no intention of following through? Why say you wanted me to be happy but never support that with action? I stayed up all night doing editing for your dissertation because you couldn't and otherwise you were not going to make the deadline. I did everything I could do, but it's never enough.

[Skull&Crossbones]

I need you. I need someone. You were all that I had. You knew that.

I would have never abandoned you if you needed me. I promised. I KEPT MY promises.

Where are you? Can I talk to you? Was still being my friend a lie too?

Why?

What do I have to do? Who do I have to be?

[luvyrself]

I am going through this now myself. I think you have to find activities and friendships that make you happy in your life whether you have a significant other or not.
I am very introverted and also isolate to some degree to prevent associating with the wrong people from triggering my disorder. Well, I recently did that and let the wrong person in, handled things inappropriately from my end, he shut things down, and it hurts like hell. We just weren’t a match, but I still wanted it because I was so infatuated by some of his traits. But I am now trying to think more with my head, and less with my hormones, and go more slowly.
Years ago I made a list of everything I wanted in a relationship and I found the person who has been a great father to my son and lasting friend for 40 years. Things weren’t good enough to prevnt a divorce (I divorced him) but bipolar is very complicated and I would now only want someone who truly understands bipolar. I marvel at how supportive some of the partners of some people on this forum are. If you keep putting yourself out there, hold on to what you want and don’t settle, boost your self esteem by making friends and pursuing your music and your teaching, I think things well get easier.
We care about you. Keep posting.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Skulls&Crossbones It must be really hard for you. I'm so sorry. I agree with what all the others ahve already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some wonderful advice in this. I'd suggest to try to follow it if you can. It certainly takes a lot of time to grieve. Take all the time you need it. Take it one step at the time. Take baby steps. I'm sure many people can relate to what you wrote. Especially those here on PC. Just try to focus on yourself for now. Try to do something nice for yourself. Treat yourself well. That's all you can do for now. Please don't be so hard on yourself. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're wonderful just the way you are. It's not easy to find someone who will truly accept us for who we really are. That's why so many people are struggling with their relationship. But that doesn't mean it's impossible! It can be done. Please don't give up. I'm sure you will be able to find someone tha truly loves you and cares about you. Don't give up hope! Just focus on yourself for now. That's the best way to find someone who loves you. Try to be content with yourself first. That's the most important thing to do, I believe. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. I hope he/she will be able to help you. You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings. You could also learn new ways to grieve your loss. I hope you'll be able to get the help you need and deserve. You deserve to get better and to feel good. You deserve to live a good life just like everyone else. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. I hope you'll feel better soon. It won't be easy. It will take time. It won't be easy. But it can be done. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. I'm here for you if you need to talk about it. You know I won't judge you. If it can help a bit... we're here for you. Feel free to vent here ar much as you want. We'll listen to what you have to say. We all care about you here. We all love you here. You know we won't judge you here. You're a wonderful person just the way you are. Stay strong, Skulls&Crossbones. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You deserve to get better. I know things seem pretty bad right now, but trust me when i say that they can get better. Things won't stay like this forever. They can and will get better. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Skull&Crossbones]

The only thing I want to do is work more and I can't because of how classes are scheduled and I need the classes to get the better job anyway. Being in school ruins a lot of things I would enjoy otherwise. I can't read for fun because I don't have time and I don't have the mental energy after reading what I need for school and having to write little mini-essays over virtually every reading. What's even the use? There's so much information that I can't possibly absorb it all and it takes me all day to force myself to absorb as much as possible. I used to play video games, but they either get frustrating, I get too emotionally involved (in RPG's) or I don't feel right spending time on that when I have 5 million other things that need to be done before I get behind.

And friends...how does one even develop decent friendships? Especially when one's life changes drastically from year to year? Basically, I always get cut off from people before I feel comfortable enough to contact them and talk to them outside of in person. And the "friendships" I make are all based on someone using the hell out of me. I don't mind being helpful and I don't mind doing favors...but that's all the relationships are based on.

And it's not needing to meet new people. I don't connect with people I have things in common with so meeting new people will just lead to me knowing more people that I don't connect with and am not really friends with.

And I'm also not an introvert. I love being surrounded by people and chaos. My favorite days this semester are show choir rehearsal Saturdays and show choir competition days, just because I'm surrounded by people and chaos all day. I am shy and very uncomfortable around people so that's about the only way I can get that need fulfilled. Most people don't realize I talk until they're around me a while.

It's rare for me to get close to people at all, especially since I tend to be rejected at least partly because I'm queer. My ex never tried to understand the gender part and I felt like I had to erase my gender identity just because he was offended by my dysphoria and did not like some of my naturally more male physical characteristics (I just naturally produce more of those hormones). Then there's the whole I started wearing more men's clothes and his mom was asking him if I was transgender. And based on his answer, I find out how little he understands any of this.

I don't know...my point is I have no idea who's safe to get close to. And what's the point if no one can see me as I am.

[Skull&Crossbones]

He at least partially met some basic needs like love and belonging...what do I do to get my needs met now? Or ever, for that matter.

Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones

And the "friendships" I make are all based on someone using the hell out of me. I don't mind being helpful and I don't mind doing favors...but that's all the relationships are based on.

And it's not needing to meet new people. I don't connect with people I have things in common with so meeting new people will just lead to me knowing more people that I don't connect with and am not really friends with.

It takes time to develop close friendships and relationships with people. In the mean time, you can have casual friendships with people, meaning going to hangout and have a social life so you are not isolated.

Once you determine that your friends are safe and will not use you, you can deepen your friendship with them.

If you don't enjoy their company, maybe you can enjoy whatever interest you share in common. For example, if you go to a concert with them, try to enjoy the music and practice being in the moment. And who knows, even people you don't connect with at first, you may connect with them as you get to know them better. Give them a chance and let them give you a chance.

[Skull&Crossbones]

The problem is that it never really gets to the hanging out part. I usually associate with people through work or meet-up type groups. On occasion, I'm invited to something outside of that. There never seems to be enough consistency to build any sort of relationship. At least for me. The other people seem to become great friends with everyone else in the group and I'm sort of just left out.

It also seems dangerous to me to develop any amount of emotional intimacy with someone as I usually start wanting a romantic relationship with them. I guess I want a partner as much as if not more than just a platonic best friend. I mean, I'm not sure how else to get needs for touch, affection, and close emotional intimacy than with a partner.

Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones

The problem is that it never really gets to the hanging out part. I usually associate with people through work or meet-up type groups. On occasion, I'm invited to something outside of that. There never seems to be enough consistency to build any sort of relationship. At least for me. The other people seem to become great friends with everyone else in the group and I'm sort of just left out.

It also seems dangerous to me to develop any amount of emotional intimacy with someone as I usually start wanting a romantic relationship with them. I guess I want a partner as much as if not more than just a platonic best friend. I mean, I'm not sure how else to get needs for touch, affection, and close emotional intimacy than with a partner.

I understand. I'm sorry this is hard on you...I don't have a recommendation for an immediate solution to this (just thought making friends is better than being alone). But I'm wishing the best for you, that the right person will come at the right timing.

[Skull&Crossbones]

Making friends would be better than being alone. I just don't know how to do that either. I'm almost to the point that I'm not comfortable opening up or being myself around most people because I've lost important relationships partly because of who I am and because people think that's wrong or can't see me the way I see me. It's too much of a risk to be truly authentic around people, therefore I don't get close to people and don't have close friends.