Libido Mismatch

I've got a high libido. My wife has a low libido, that's the libido mismatch. In essence, I'm stuck in a sexless marriage. I went into grief counseling and found myself talking about what is really bothering me, the dead bedroom. Apparently

I was using sex as a antidote for depression and since my wife wasn't available, the anxiety and sexual frustration was taking it's toll. My counselor recommended masturbation as a coping mechanism but due to an early catholic school indoctrination, my belief system established masturbation as a sin.

I found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. Suffer through abstinence or self pleasure with shame and guilt.

Has anyone else been through this too?

Any advice you can offer?

No sex and low libido seemed like very different terms until now. Is she suffering health issues? Is there low key affection of any kind from her? Maybe start there with her?

She always had low libido. Since menopause, she wants no sex. She doesn't like to talk about it.

You say she doesn't want to talk about sex. Are you telling her how beautiful she looks (especially when she is wearing something that looks good on her), how much you need her, taking her out and focussing on her, etc. then after that hint about sex? Do you just hold her for a long time then kiss her over and over before going to the sex? Do you hold hands and hug alot? Do you help her with the dishes, or watch her cook and say you are doing it because you want to spend time with her? She might not be in the mood because it can still be necessary to "court" our spouses....

I looked and saw that Illinois may eventually legalize pot (Chicago Tribune - We are currently unavailable in your region) from my POV, pot improves your libido. I wonder if she would consider using.....

And though it is not as good as sex with a partner--there is nothing wrong with getting some relief all by yourself. Maybe just talking about it here will make you realize that it doesn't hurt anyone and might make you less grumpy. Practice and it might be OK.

Also, when she has been in the mood--do you make sure she gets as much satisfaction as you do? If she doesn't get there--that can be extremely demotivating if it happens regularly, though it will happen sometimes. This is the kind of thing you both need to try to talk about. Talking about sex is so important when you are married.....

Have you guys ever had sex before? If so, do you recall the point in which she stopped wanting to?

Perhaps you could tell her what you told us if you haven't already to maybe open up discussion on how to work this out, maybe gain some insight on why she doesn't want to talk about it.

Lastly, how's the relationship overall outside of this one issue?

Thanks for the great advice. Much appreciated!

Yes, I’m telling her how beautiful she looks. I massage her neck, her scalp and her feet. I’m always commenting on how nice she looks. I see her picture on my phone every time I turn it on. We sleep together. We cuddle at night. We get up in the morning and have conversations. We eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together. We watch movies together. We go to church together on Sunday. We kiss and show affection in many ways, just no sex.

She doesn’t want to talk about sex or do anything to have sex. So taking drugs and smoking pot is out. She doesn’t see it as her problem. To her, sex is something people grow out of and she’s grown out of it.

Getting some relief by myself has always been a problem. From a very young age I was brainwashed by my catholic upbringing to believe that masturbation was a sin. I was taught that the only good sex was PIV sex with a spouse. I have since tried to shed these beliefs, but they are still lingering, so even with self pleasure, it is not as satisfying when it results in guilt and shame.

I’ve talked to several counselors about it and they recommended counseling and masturbation deshaming rituals but this solution was too costly. I’m on Medicare and they don’t pay for that kind of counseling. Plus I’m on a fixed income and $150 a session is just too much money to pay to get over childhood trauma. Plus my wife doesn’t believe in counseling. She doesn’t want to go to couples counseling. She believes counseling is a crutch, that we should be able to solve our own problems.

As far as making sure she gets satisfaction when she gets in the mood, this hasn’t worked either. She had some surgery before I met her due to cervical cancer and she has never had an orgasm. Believe me when I say I have tried, but it has never come to pass, no matter how much effort I put into it. Plus, since menopause, she is never in the mood. And yes, talking about sex is important when you’re married, but it’s impossible when someone doesn’t want to talk about sex. Because I have an inherent fear of rejection due to childhood trauma, it’s easier for me to talk about it online than it is to talk about it IRL.

Relationship is great. On a scale of 1-10, I'm definitely feeling in the high nines. That's what makes a sexless marriage such an insidious challenge to overcome. Open discussion is not an option at this time, so I'm trying to figure out other coping mechanisms.

This explains a lot. I am sad for both of you about this.

Sometimes I do things for my H even when I am not in the mood because I love him though, of course, I would do that much less if I also didn't like sex myself. I can appreciate his needs better because sometimes I feel needy too. A very tough situation.

I think you can get over some of your guilt about sex by yourself just talking about it here and trying. Some things can improve with time and by just talking.

I'm really sorry for you. This is a hard situation to be in.

When it comes to masturbation, I have found it useful to talk to the internalized shame and sort of....bring it to a quiet place. I'll argue with it (if that makes sense) and wear it down so it doesn't bother me anymore. It's hard to do, but it is possible.

In the meantime, what about getting a flashlight to use?

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, mf1438 It must be very hard for you. I'm so sorry that your wife refuses to listen to you in regards to sex. Sex is a very important part in every relationship. I'm so sorry she's refusing to go to couple counseling as well. Please do consider trying out masturbation. I know it's not the same thing, but it may help a bit. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Please don't give up. Try to continue therapy if you can. I hope things will get better soon for you and you'll at least be able to get over your guilt. It won't be easy and it will take time, but it can be done. I'm so sorry you're in such a tough situation. I wish I've had more advice to give to you. I'll be here to listen though. We're all here to listen to what you have to say. We all care about you here! We all love you here! You know we won't judge you! I promise you that! Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, mf1438! Please don't give up! Try to hang on as much as you can! You're a strong, wonderful person! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! Keep fighting! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! You don't deserve it at all! You don't deserve to suffer at all! Nobody deserves to suffer at all! Please keep us updated! Keep fighting! Remember that you're awesome!

HD / LD Marriages are VERY difficult to manage. A lot end up in D.

There must be a long list of options. The big D was the first one I heard. Taking medicine to give her more libido. Taking medicine to give me less libido. Conversation. Counseling. Prayer. Intentional Intimacy. Patience. Cuddles. Back massages. The list goes on and on. I'm a project manager by trade. I'm looking to cope in a way that takes her off of the critical path. But I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face. Some solutions can start to become problems in and of themselves. That's why divorce is not an option for me.

If you started to talk about it what would she do? Walk away? Cover her ears? What if you told her that this was so important to you she has to talk about it? I am just wondering if she realizes how much this hurts you.

She would become defensive and angry. It’s like trying get someone to eat anchovies. I can imagine the look on her face. I care too much about her to make her do something she finds so repulsive. So I sacrifice and look for alternatives.

Would she be ok with you getting sex elsewhere?If she doesn't want to do it then maybe she can choose someone with/for you?

If she's not willing to seek help or do anything to remedy the situation it's not really fair to expect you to go without.

She’s OK with sex online but not IRL. She would rather not know about it or be in tin any way. DADT

Quote:

Originally Posted by mf1438 She would become defensive and angry. It’s like trying get someone to eat anchovies. I can imagine the look on her face. I care too much about her to make her do something she finds so repulsive. So I sacrifice and look for alternatives.

I hear what you are saying but I guess I wonder if she really really knows how hard it is for you and how important it is for you. Does she? Is she really that unwilling to talk to you about it knowing how much it means to you?

Maybe she's not as ok with the going online for gratification as was initially thought and agreed upon?

Yes, she's unwilling to talk about it and she considers me "abnormal" because it's top of mind for me and it seems like the only thing I want to talk about. She wants me to develop more relationships with men because she considers them safe. Men talk about sports, not sex. And she doesn't want me to make friends with women, especially women willing to talk about sex.

Why? I guess she's afraid one thing will lead to another. Maybe I will find a woman who will take care of my needs. I have not been a saint in the past, so she has good reason to feel threatened, but those days are over. I don't want to do anything to upset the apple cart. I want to live happily ever after.

But if you believe a conversation with her will fix things then there's not much I can say. Some people can fix things by conversation. I've never been in a relationship that could be fixed in that way. Maybe it is a cultural thing, but I guess I'm in a situation where they say let sleeping dogs lie. LOL

Why do you say that?

She has given me no indication that it's a problem. She let's me go into my little man cave several hours a day. Plus, when she's home, I try to spend as much time with her as possible. I try to make sure her needs are met. I also give her the freedom and encouragement to pursue her own extracurricular activities.

In this Topsy-turvy world of societal indoctrination, what's good for the gander is good for the goose, right? LOL

Do you mean she is ok with cybersex and you are ok with that as well?

Quote:

Originally Posted by mf1438 Why do you say that? She has given me no indication that it's a problem. She let's me go into my little man cave several hours a day. Plus, when she's home, I try to spend as much time with her as possible. I try to make sure her needs are met. I also give her the freedom and encouragement to pursue her own extracurricular activities. In this Topsy-turvy world of societal indoctrination, what's good for the gander is good for the goose, right? LOL

Wait? So she is ok with cyber affairs and she's free to pursue and does pursue relations with men?

Looking for a health issue is like looking for childhood trauma when someone displays the symptoms of someone with PTSD. I'm sure there are some health issues, but it would take a lot soul searching to uncover them. Suffice it to say, she has no interest in sex, doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to do it, doesn't enjoy it. BTW, she doesn't like horror movies either.

I have a long list of what she is and is not OK with. Cyber affairs is a big category, but the short answer is yes.

And she has men friends, but not sexual. I wouldn't say she has relations with men, but she has relationships with men. She doesn't have any interest in sex.

Yes, she is OK with forms of cybersex, and I am OK with it too to a certain extent. There are pluses and minuses. I haven't quite found the right situation, but the internet is a BIG place. I'm sure it's out there somewhere.