Has anyone else been "ghosted" by a friend?

5 reasons your friend may have ghosted you, because we know you need closure
5 Reasons Your Friend May Have Ghosted You - HelloGiggles

I found the above article helpful. I recently ran into a friend (in the offline world) who "ghosted" me. Many months ago, I reached out with the following message:
"Haven't heard from you in a while. And that is okay Just want to say that if I have done anything in the past to upset you or make you uncomfortable, feel free to share with me. No pressure. I wish you well."

She replied promptly with the following:
"No you have done nothing wrong at all. I'm just in a bad place right now and not doing so well. I'll be in touch when I can."

I replied and said no problem at all and wished her hope and good health.

I never heard from her again. Six months went by. Recently I ran into her, by chance, in a public place. It was extremely awkward. I would have rather just said hello and moved on. But we talked for about 20 minutes or so. She did not look well and mentioned that she has dealt with two deaths in her life recently. At the end of the conversation, she made an odd comment:
"Well I would be willing to meet up again if that is something you want."
I found the phrasing and tone odd. As though she'd be doing me a favor or something. I don't need any favors or pity I did not respond directly to that comment. I just politely wished her well and left.

I don't mind sharing with you folks that since I ran into her in person, I have felt quite hurt and sad. My depression has been worse for about the last 3-4 weeks so I don't feel too well anyway (prior to seeing her). I also take responsibility for my own feelings. It is not her fault that I feel hurt and sad. And I will take time to work on my feelings. I have no desire to contact or meet her again. I will leave it there and wish her peace, as I do for everyone.

I just want to share this with the PC crew. I sincerely wish that in the offline world, when we have known someone and been a close friend for several years, if someone needs to end the friendship, I wish it could be done respectfully and not via passive-aggressive "ghosting." I find that really quite juvenile and unnecessary.

However, the article I linked above really helped me. My friend clearly did not feel that she could be direct with me. Even though I would have felt much better about that, she was not able to end things that way and I accept that. I practice what I preach. After a date or an offline friendship, if I needed it to end I found a kind way to tell the person directly. After one date with a nice guy, who I simply wasn't interested in seeing again, when he asked me for a 2nd date, I said: "I enjoyed meeting you but I don't see this developing. I wish you well." He immediately replied with: "Thank you very much for being honest and letting me off the hook. so I'm not wondering for the next few days. You are a true lady!" I have never ghosted a date or friend and never will. It does not lie right with my value system. But I am learning from younger folks that ghosting is quite common or even becoming a norm in society. I find that both sad and a bit disturbing.

Note that I am not referring to PC and ignore lists. No problem there at all. I would never deem that as "ghosting." That's a completely different dynamic from offline interactions. If you would like to share your experience of being "ghosted" by an offline friend, I'd appreciate it. I could also use a hug if anyone has one to spare.

I continue to wish everyone peace and hope.

SilverTrees, here is a hug for you: the whole gamut. I know you are sad, and have been feeling depressed. But I think you very maturely handled this person, and you have the right attitude and thoughts.

Thank you Ptak. I don't feel mature right now. I am curled up in a ball crying like an infant! Ha!

She responded to you and provided you with a brief explanation;
She followed up with a thorough explanation upon bumping into you;
She chatted with you for 20 minutes;
She offered to meet again.

At least on the surface, these details do not sound like someone who is ghosting you or trying to end a friendship.

But then I don't know her and I don't know the inside story. Maybe she was being insincere when she said let's meet again. Some people say things like that just to be polite. And that's really painful. I'm sorry you are hurting.

Thank you Ennie. That is an interesting perspective. I could provide more detail and it would make more sense but it would be way too long to post here. She did make a snide joke about a major trauma my other half and I experienced a few months ago. That was unnecessary and I'm not sure why she did that. For what it's worth, my other half is not a fan. He thinks she's "mixed up." She's been having a relationship with a man who is involved with someone else and then she gets upset with him even though she knows this is what he does....it's been going on for quite some time. I used to just listen and not comment because it wasn't my place to. But perhaps if you're mixed up in one relationship, you can be mixed up in a friendship too? Anyway, as I said, I'm not angry and wish her peace. Thank you for the message and the hug.

I was never ghosted by girlfriends, only by a couple of boyfriends. But I did have them drop me, inseparable best friends! I took the hint and just let it go. It did hurt and I don’t understand what I did to cause it. I think they simply found other people they liked better and simply stopped wanting to hang out with me... after being inseparable!

This one former bff also made a strange and snide comment to me, too, when I ran into her after not having been in her life for 20 years. We had been like sisters, I loved her, we never had a disagreement over anything. I’ve had this happen a lot with people and I don’t understand why. Did they have secret jealousy? Why would they give a dig?

If you are experiencing the same, I am beginning to think there is some element to people I have not understood. Self care and find new, healthy friends is my best sentiment to you.

She's definitely a bad news then. It looks like she is not sincere and you were able to detect that beyond the surface.

Her joking about someone else's trauma is extremely unhealthy (not to mention sadistic and malignant). Had she remained close to you, she could have made more of these jokes. I know it hurts right now, but in a way, it is healthier for you that she is no longer close enough to cause further damage.

And I have found it true that a person mixed up in a relationship can be mixed up in a friendship also. I've learned that I cannot think of myself as an "exception" with a person of such character. Because actions demonstrate what someone is capable of, I need to assume: If she can do it to someone else, she can do it to me also.

You deserve a better friend than her.

Thanks Ennie. I think she is deeply unhappy. For a while, I have felt that she has an undiagnosed eating disorder, among other problems. I got to the point where I didn't enjoy going out for dinner with her because she'd judge what I ordered and how much I ate as much as she judged herself. By that I mean, she would only allow herself to eat 1/4 of what was on the plate. If I ate 3/4, she noticed. Indirect comments and raised eyebrows etc if I dared to order carbs for example. Heaven forbid! Sometimes I overlook things. There's no such thing as a perfect friend so i often don't know where the line is between reasonable and not. But maybe sometimes I overlook too much?

Yes, I understand what you mean by her choices. I think it all stems from extremely low self-esteem. If she valued herself more, she would not want to engage in a physical relationship with someone who is sleeping with other women. That's my view anyway. And I mentioned my other half's comment. He rarely says anything negative about anyone but he made it clear to me recently that he doesn't think she's a great person to have in my life anyway. He only said that after she disappeared; he would never interfere. He would not tell me who to spend my time with but I think he had a fair point. Her value system is different from mine....she places a lot of emphasis on money and external image. And that's fine. Everyone is different. But that's not my value system so there was a mismatch between us which became more apparent over time. Perhaps that is why she pulled back? She may prefer to spend time with a woman who is very different from me. And that's okay.

She is an intelligent person and works hard. She cares a lot about her family and clearly loves them. Everyone has their strengths and challenges etc. I don't want to depict her as a "bad" person. She's a troubled person.

I'll work on moving on. For now I just feel stung by the random encounter and some comments she made. You know when you're already feeling depressed and putting all of your energy into just getting up each day and functioning and then you have one small unpleasant interaction but it feels like the rug taken out from under you. That's what it felt like.

By the way, my other half thinks she may have made the rude joke about our recent trauma because perhaps she felt embarrassed that she had not known about it. She had already disappeared from my life so obviously I didn't call her after not hearing from her for months to tell her our bad news. He thinks maybe she felt badly and didn't know what to say so made a joke to cover. Who knows?

I really appreciate your reply Ennie. Thank you. You are a very kind and thoughtful person. Wishing you a wonderful day.

maybe she made that comment because she felt awkward . sometimes in a weird situation people say stupid things. not meaning to but because they slip out of our mouths before the mind engages.

I've had people ghost me...it's their issue not mine. hurts for a bit but then i figure it's their loss. again, not mine. if they don't have the backbone to at least say what is bothering them and want to work it out, well then really, it isn't worth the friendship. some i have sent notes to, some not.

Thank you Resurgam! Your points are very well made and I agree. Yes, she may not have intended the recent comments to hurt me. I believe most people have good intentions and of course we all make mistakes. Including me. It may be a cliche but I try very hard to take a 'live and let live' approach to others. I've never found such an approach to be regrettable.

Thank you for taking the time to write and support. I am very lonely and depressed these days and I appreciate you reaching out Wishing you a wonderful day!

Also, Resurgam, I really like your note about backbone! I think at some point when I feel stronger, I need to look for more friends with backbone. It is a trait I greatly respect.

What I have experienced a lot of in the last couple of years is "friends" looking to me for support and advice and then they disappear when I am having a problem. Not that I would expect friends to be therapists....that wouldn't be right. But it can feel like a backbone issue when ol' SilverTrees is very popular when others have questions and troubles but then I am quickly forgotten when others are fine and I am not.

I had to cancel my last birthday celebration when my partner and I had to deal with a major unexpected trauma. Prior to that, my "friends" were happy to come and join to celebrate my birthday. But after I cancelled and told them why, not one person reached out. Not a call or an offer to visit...to ask how we were doing. I would never want money or tangible items....but I was shocked that not one person reached out to connect. That's reality. I must accept it but I'm not made of stone. That hurt. I'm talking about people I was close to for years, not casual acquaintances.

When I was a child, my mother referred to such a dynamic as "fair weather friend syndrome." I don't know if I am picking the wrong people to be friends with or simply going above and beyond for others too much and unwittingly setting myself up for a lack of reciprocity.....but wow I am really weary and lonely these days.

My other half is encouraging me to get out more and meet new people. This is a great idea. But I feel really let down and sad. I need to have my wall up a while before I try again. Can others relate to that?

(*None of these comments pertain to PC or any online friends...I just don't use my real name in any posts)

This is a good article. Thank you for sharing it because this is a good topic. I think there is a lot of this going on. People are leading complicated lives these days I guess.

Oddly enough, I expect to be ghosted. Is that wrong? I wondered as I read this... what is wrong with my self esteem that I expect friends to leave?

I do think it’s a good idea to consider what my role may have been in the ghosting situation. I am certain I’ve been an energy vampire at times and I’ve worked hard to change that... hopefully....

But other than that, as the article says.... it’s usually something going on with the other person.

I bet the old friend you ran into felt embarrassed. I bet she missed you and didn’t know how to say that and didn’t feel she deserved your friendship anymore... just my guess... I can understand why you felt hurt. You seem like a loyal friend.

Oh yes I can certainly relate. I stopped trying to hold on to old friendships. I was always the friend people called to talk but rarely the friend invited out to do something fun.

Now I just try to stay friendly with old “friends” but I keep finding new hobbies and I meet new acquaintances that might one day be friends. I don’t have expectations. I come here to PC if I need to talk and I really don’t share with people IRL very much.

Yes, I know how it is to feel let down. I wish I had a good answer for you.

Nice experience to share.