I am not looking for advice, and I am not seeking to divulge too many details about what has been happening with me and my now husband.

I am just looking to vent and receive some encouragement and support from those who have been married. I feel VERY alone with my sad feelings.

We were SO happy just before we got married. We had had some issues already, and I thought they had pretty much passed. Three months before the wedding were blissful and without any arguments. We've had some bad ones before.

But then, JUST before the wedding, we fought. It was bad. We fought again the morning of the wedding (but got through it and had a beautiful ceremony), then we fought again when we got back from the honeymoon, and again the other night.

Many fights lately, all with mention of us breaking up. After we had gotten back from the honeymoon & fought, he took off his wedding ring for a day.

It is with a very sad and heavy heart that I write this.

I don't know what's going on lately, but I don't know if we're going to last.

I know what I will NOT put up with. I am working on strengthening my boundaries, because he crosses them, and I am working on setting limits, because he can blow up. He is not easy to talk to about any issues, especially if he's upset with me. He is stubborn and clams up.

But please don't tell me to get out of the marriage. We JUST got married. I am not mentally there and cannot even fathom it right now. We love each other immensely, but these fights need to end.

He will NOT go to couples counseling at any point either. So I won't even bring that up ever.

I am just SO very sad. I love him dearly and when things are good, it's absolutely wonderful. But when things are bad, it's terrible. He is very affectionate and most loving when things are good. And when things are bad, he withdraws.

I cannot take any more mention of breaking up. I have been a guilty party in this, but lately he's been asking me if that's what I want. I'm the one who started down that path to begin with because of the fights. I meant to tell him this last night (no more mention of breaking up), but I was too tired to even talk.

It's been rocky to say the least and unstable. I am praying now about it. I just hope this passes and that we can be in a blissful place again.

We were SO happy. Everyone around us always commented on how happy we were/are. I just wish it would return.

I know all I can do is change and work on my OWN reactions and how I behave in the relationship.

My next therapy appt is Tue. I don't know how helpful she truly is and I may need to find another one.

[TunedOut]

Since you love him--resist the urge to say you want to divorce him. I have said this to my husband in order to hurt him back when our fights got really bad but, then, when I tried, I just couldn't. I can't live without him. But if he should ever want to leave me, I won't fight it. Love is not controlling. Love endures even if the other person isn't always the person you want them to be. Passionate love is that sometimes there is no better feeling than being with them. Sometimes we don't want to feel how hurt we are because we are scared by the fact that someone has such control over our hearts. Pushing them away won't fix it. Love them whenever they allow it but when they are hurtful, walk away. Say "I won't allow you to talk to me that way," and leave the room. If you engage while they are hurting you, you will say something just to hurt them back. Disengage.

Thank you. Yes, I need to practice, "I won't let you talk to me that way", and then leaving the room.

[sarahsweets]

Oh eve, I am so sorry! I do not know how old you are but I suspect I was married much younger. My husband proposed to me when I was 19 and I was pregnant when I was 20. We just moved the wedding up. We had many petty fights and I remember taking off my engagement ring and throwing it once. I was insecure and we went from living with our parents to living with each other. Did you two live with each other all ready? My wedding night as my husband unwound all the corsets and garments I started to cry, I cried so hard. I cried for my youth and for up and coming motherhood. I cried because we were both in school still and were going to be poor for a long while. The funniest(now) fight we had started over honey mustard chicken which I didnt know he hated. I was so offended I threw a hard rubber ducky at his leg and ping him good. It hurt at the time but we laugh at it now. I do not know what to tell you about your situation. Its really rough. I know you said he wont go to couples counseling but would he consider it as a "save the marriage" sort of thing?

I’m very sorry. I hope things get better.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry that you're going through ALL OF THIS, golden_eve! I understand it must ber VERY hard and painful for you! Hang in there! I'm sure you'll be able to get through ALL OF THIS! It DOES seem like you two really love each other! Unfortunately True Love can have its moments of difficulties as well! Please NEVER give up hope though, ok? I'm sure you'll both be able to figure it out one way or another! Please feel free to vent here! We're here to listen to you! WE WON'T JUDGE YOU! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! Please keep us updated as much as you possibly can if you want to! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YO! THAT'S A PROMISE! Wish you good luck! Let us know how things are going for you, ok? WE DO CARE! Sending many kind, safe, sweet, warm and WONDERFUL hugs to BOTH you and your husband, golden_eve, JUST LIKE YOU BOTH ARE!

[Chyialee]

Oh my dear. I'm so sorry thisis such a tough time for you. It can be a HUGE adjustment, being married -- no matter how much you adore each other. I hope you feel free to seek another therapist if the current one is not helpful. I understand about the "withdrawing" behaviour, as that is my response as well when I'm overwhelmed -- and it's often the LEAST helpful thing possible, but it's my instinctive reaction to heavy-feeling conflict. Sounds like your "fighting styles" are very mis-matched. My Fiance' and I had to back up and set some ground rules for our issues: !. No name calling or disparaging. 2. No throwing things or stomping out. 3 No withdrawing until some kind of resolution is achieved. .ABOVE ALL: DON'T lose sight of the objective, which is a correction of the problem, NOT to "punish" the other party.
Sigh. This is a rough patch, for sure. Be assured that every couple has them, in one form or another.
I'll be thinking of you. Sending good thoughts,

xo
Chyia

[LacunaCoiler]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through something like this. I feel you 100% since my wife and I are going through something similar. Ever since I found out she had an affair behind my back earlier this year it has been fight after fight after fight and it's so stressful at home and at work since we work in the same office. We have talked about divorce many times but neither of us has followed through with leaving... yet. We are trying to work things out but tbh, I'm not 100% sure I can move past the betrayal and the disrespect, but that's a different story all together. We have agreed on marriage counseling and even though she was a little apprehensive about it I told her this was one way we are going to save the marriage, or at least try to save the marriage. Like someone said before, try to bring up the option of counseling in a none fighting manner and tell him that you would really like to and think it could help with the marriage. It doesn't have to be long term but it helps to have a third person who is neutral party in the matter.

I found this good relationship counselor on the internet who has a web page I've skimmed and even sent to my wife named Brad Browning. His website is mendingthemarriage.com (hopefully I didn't break any rules giving that out). Another thing that my therapist gave me was something called fair fighting communication. It sounds harsh but it gives you steps/ideas on how to communicate without it turning into a fight. She told me that you don't need to incorportate all of them at once but try one and stick to it before you add a second or a third one.

I wish I could offer better advice but while you're going through all this try to remember/focus on your good times. I try to remind myself that this too shall pass and if both partners put in effort to fix it then it will work out in the end.

[rechu]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry and feel free to vent away or send a PM if you ever want to talk.

My husband and I have been through some rough times like that, but made it through to the other side and things are good - so it is possible to turn things around. In his case, he had to hit a pretty bad point and realize that he needed help. He's been seeing a psychiatrist and is in therapy, which has given some positive results. Of course, he had to be the one to decide to seek out therapy. I could suggest it, but I couldn't force him to go.

Hugs!

Oh Golden Eve, so sorry your heart is heavy. Peace, hope, and a bright future to you and your hub.

One moment at a time....

I find these guided meditations really comforting when I am particularly stressed or sad or frightened. May they bring you some solace Golden Eve...


"I am vulnerable" Guided meditation

"I am hopeful" Guided meditation

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Oh eve, I am so sorry! I do not know how old you are but I suspect I was married much younger. My husband proposed to me when I was 19 and I was pregnant when I was 20. We just moved the wedding up. We had many petty fights and I remember taking off my engagement ring and throwing it once. I was insecure and we went from living with our parents to living with each other. Did you two live with each other all ready? My wedding night as my husband unwound all the corsets and garments I started to cry, I cried so hard. I cried for my youth and for up and coming motherhood. I cried because we were both in school still and were going to be poor for a long while. The funniest(now) fight we had started over honey mustard chicken which I didnt know he hated. I was so offended I threw a hard rubber ducky at his leg and ping him good. It hurt at the time but we laugh at it now. I do not know what to tell you about your situation. Its really rough. I know you said he wont go to couples counseling but would he consider it as a "save the marriage" sort of thing?

Hi Sarah. Thanks.... I am 48 & he is 46. He told me previously that he will never go to couples counseling. For him, if that is mentioned, it means the relationship is over. That's his way of not looking at himself. I will definitely not bring it up.

The toughest part is getting him to see how he contributes to our fights. He does apologize, however, when he has offended me or hurt my feelings (after I tell him he has). But the biggest issue is he doesn't see what he does that escalates our fights or even starts them. I don't even argue... he starts all our arguments.

Originally Posted by Chyialee

Oh my dear. I'm so sorry thisis such a tough time for you. It can be a HUGE adjustment, being married -- no matter how much you adore each other. I hope you feel free to seek another therapist if the current one is not helpful. I understand about the "withdrawing" behaviour, as that is my response as well when I'm overwhelmed -- and it's often the LEAST helpful thing possible, but it's my instinctive reaction to heavy-feeling conflict. Sounds like your "fighting styles" are very mis-matched. My Fiance' and I had to back up and set some ground rules for our issues: !. No name calling or disparaging. 2. No throwing things or stomping out. 3 No withdrawing until some kind of resolution is achieved. .ABOVE ALL: DON'T lose sight of the objective, which is a correction of the problem, NOT to "punish" the other party.
Sigh. This is a rough patch, for sure. Be assured that every couple has them, in one form or another.
I'll be thinking of you. Sending good thoughts,

xo
Chyia

Thank you very much, Chyia. I like your ground rules.... I tried that once, then he reverted back to blowing up at me whenever he gets angry or upset about something I am doing that pisses him off.

Originally Posted by LacunaCoiler

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through something like this. I feel you 100% since my wife and I are going through something similar. Ever since I found out she had an affair behind my back earlier this year it has been fight after fight after fight and it's so stressful at home and at work since we work in the same office. We have talked about divorce many times but neither of us has followed through with leaving... yet. We are trying to work things out but tbh, I'm not 100% sure I can move past the betrayal and the disrespect, but that's a different story all together. We have agreed on marriage counseling and even though she was a little apprehensive about it I told her this was one way we are going to save the marriage, or at least try to save the marriage. Like someone said before, try to bring up the option of counseling in a none fighting manner and tell him that you would really like to and think it could help with the marriage. It doesn't have to be long term but it helps to have a third person who is neutral party in the matter.

I found this good relationship counselor on the internet who has a web page I've skimmed and even sent to my wife named Brad Browning. His website is mendingthemarriage.com (hopefully I didn't break any rules giving that out). Another thing that my therapist gave me was something called fair fighting communication. It sounds harsh but it gives you steps/ideas on how to communicate without it turning into a fight. She told me that you don't need to incorportate all of them at once but try one and stick to it before you add a second or a third one.

I wish I could offer better advice but while you're going through all this try to remember/focus on your good times. I try to remind myself that this too shall pass and if both partners put in effort to fix it then it will work out in the end.

Thank you, and I hope you and your wife can work things out together. HUGS.

As I mentioned above, I cannot bring up couples counseling. All I can do is change myself and how I react, OR set up some ground rules of fair fighting, as you have mentioned. I like this idea. My tendency is to want to break up when he blows up at me. OR walk out the door and tell him I'm not dealing with it.

Originally Posted by rechu

I just wanted to say I'm sorry and feel free to vent away or send a PM if you ever want to talk.

My husband and I have been through some rough times like that, but made it through to the other side and things are good - so it is possible to turn things around. In his case, he had to hit a pretty bad point and realize that he needed help. He's been seeing a psychiatrist and is in therapy, which has given some positive results. Of course, he had to be the one to decide to seek out therapy. I could suggest it, but I couldn't force him to go.

Hugs!

Thank you, Rechu. And thanks for your offer! Very sweet of you!

It helps to hear you've made it through your own marriage difficulties. That is very encouraging!!!

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry that you're going through ALL OF THIS, golden_eve! I understand it must ber VERY hard and painful for you! Hang in there! I'm sure you'll be able to get through ALL OF THIS! It DOES seem like you two really love each other! Unfortunately True Love can have its moments of difficulties as well! Please NEVER give up hope though, ok? I'm sure you'll both be able to figure it out one way or another! Please feel free to vent here! We're here to listen to you! WE WON'T JUDGE YOU! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! Please keep us updated as much as you possibly can if you want to! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YO! THAT'S A PROMISE! Wish you good luck! Let us know how things are going for you, ok? WE DO CARE! Sending many kind, safe, sweet, warm and WONDERFUL hugs to BOTH you and your husband, golden_eve, JUST LIKE YOU BOTH ARE!

Thank you so much, Mickey. I appreciate your kind, encouraging and supportive words!!!

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I’m very sorry. I hope things get better.

Thank you, Sisabel. Much appreciated.

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

Oh Golden Eve, so sorry your heart is heavy. Peace, hope, and a bright future to you and your hub.

One moment at a time....

Thank you, Silver Trees. Much appreciated.

I don't know how to multi-quote, but thanks for the meditation videos. Though what I really need is problem-solving and to get out of this depression right now.

If I missed anyone's post, I sincerely apologize. I am not in a great frame of mind at the moment. I am taking the day off from work tomorrow.... felt a heavy depression today and could barely get through the day of work.

Thank you all.... I did talk to him today via texting and told him he cannot keep mentioning breaking up.. that it is breaking my heart each time he does. He apologized and said he won't.

I want to have hope. He tried to give me some today. I don't know how I feel. I feel pretty down & depressed still.

[divine1966]

Hang in there golden, we are here for you. Maybe if you two make a list of topics you fight about and see if it could be tackled each item separately and see if compromise could be reached. Couples usually fight about same things over and over, I think.

Take advantage of a day off tomorrow and treat yourself with something nice, you deserve it!

Originally Posted by divine1966

Hang in there golden, we are here for you. Maybe if you two make a list of topics you fight about and see if it could be tackled each item separately and see if compromise could be reached. Couples usually fight about same things over and over, I think.

Take advantage of a day off tomorrow and treat yourself with something nice, you deserve it!

Thanks Divine. I’m not sure how to approach things. I may wait til the next time or try and talk to him. He is not a great communicator though and has troubles talking through issues without getting upset or shutting down the conversation altogether. He can be difficult.

I know that all relationships take work, that they are not always a bed of roses, and that most relationships have problems along with their joys.

I have had many unhealthy and toxic relationships. I have also had a few healthy relationships. My relationship feels like a mixture of healthy and unhealthy... toxic and not toxic.

I also know from experience and from just being alive for 48 years that I can only change MYSELF. I cannot change him, but I CAN lay down what is OK and not OK with me.

I know I can have limits and boundaries. And with him, I need to set limits and create strong boundaries.

What's interesting is that this is exactly what I need to learn in my life right now... limits and boundaries.

And what's REALLY particularly strange and bizarre to me?????

JUST before I met my husband, maybe but a few months before, I had prayed to God and said "Dear God, please send me the man who will marry me. You know exactly what I need. I leave it up to you." The very next man I met was my soon to be husband, who woooed me like crazy to marry him. And boy, did he ever woo me!!!!!

So did God send me what I needed the most? Someone who would teach me about limits and boundaries? Someone who would give me the tools and skills that I needed to learn the most? Someone who would also love me deeply and be faithful to me?

I am not expecting answers from posters. These are rhetorical questions I am asking myself. God most certainly does work in the most mysterious of ways.

And if you're a non-believer, I do not mean to get religious. Just ignore my talk about God if you are a non-believer. I do not intend to get into any debates about whether there is a God or not. It's not the point of this post. I am just super curious about how my prayer was answered. I find it to be most interesting and curious, leaving me scratching my head and wondering.

And if you haven't known this yet about me, I am a spiritual medium, which I recently let be known in the more senior forum. My guide is the ArchAngel Michael. He has been guiding me and with me for the last ten years, or as far as I know. He let himself be known to me ten years ago through what is called "automatic writing". That is all I will say.

I guess I choked my own thread. I feel very alone. We had a great night together though.

A bit of my shine is gone right now.

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

So did God send me what I needed the most?

I am not expecting answers from posters. These are rhetorical questions I am asking myself. God most certainly does work in the most mysterious of ways.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I guess I choked my own thread. I feel very alone. We had a great night together though.

You are not alone. I am sure many have read this. You, yourself, said you were not expecting answers from this particular post.

I too wonder if the challenges I have with my family are because God is teaching me lessons I need. Sometimes my husband's role in my life reminds me of some of the things that I never resolved between my mother and me. I feel bad about the way I treated my mother. I have not always been the best wife either. I was the oldest in my family and a spoiled child. I have been brought to my knees due to many of the things I have gone through and done. I am certain there is a purpose behind it and if I make the right choices I can be more as God wants me to be. Things that come easy are not as valuable as the things you accomplish through sacrifice and perseverance.