I made a stupid mistake.

So last week I told my wife I feel mature enough to raise a child. As a result my wife went into overdrive with baby fever.

I even told my wife without thinking that we should try for a child and one night we did. Now this was a stupid mistake and I regretted it the moment after the deed was done. Luckily though three days later my wife got her period which means she is not pregnant. While this was a big relief too me, she was upset. Fast forward a few days. I decided to tell my wife that in fact I do not want to try for a child at this very moment. Simply because we could not financially support a child.

I had a momentary lapse in judgement and decided to do something drastic completely based on emotion. Which I’m not proud of, and I am very ashamed.

Now things are very awkward between me and my wife. Having a child was something she has wanted for years and I gave her hope. Then quickly took it away from her. Honestly I’m not sure if our relationship will survive this since we’ve only been married for a few short months. I feel like a total d-bag and very guilty for what I’ve done. But now she has decided that she will not forgive me until I give her a child.

So now I’m lost. I’m going to give her plenty of space and time until she feels like approaching me. But then she sends me mixed signals like hugging me, holding my hand, cuddling with me etc... then turns around and says she wants to hit me and curses at me. I’m very confused and I realize that I hurt her badly. I know time will tell but I’m very worried.

Both people need to be ready. Honestly it’s selfish of your wife to be thinking only of her needs and desires and is not respecting yours. A relationship is compromises and a two way street. Both people need to be on aboard and invested in parenthood. She needs to respect your need to not want kids right now and due to very legitimate reasons.

It doesn’t matter how much she wants children. If she can’t support them, she shouldn’t have them. It’s immature and selfish to have kids without any means to support them. She can be upset. But its not changing the fact that she shouldn’t have kids now

Yes you spoke without really thinking things through , it happens.

I do think your wife has a right to be upset about this... everyone has a right to there feelings.

I’m sure things are very awkward. Give her the space she wants/needs and I’m sure once you can both have a discussion about the pros and cons of having a child right now might not be the best timing.

Do you both have a plan for the future? Jobs with higher pay? Buying a home? Trying to save X dollars a month, etc etc etc

You made a mistake, everyone does. Be kind to yourself.

It’s not like you are saying you never want children. You gave it more thought and now logically see it’s not the right time yet.

I wonder if she believes that you lied to her about wanting a baby in order to get her to have sex with you.

I'm so sorry, Stuck1nhead I understand why your wife would feel upset but she needs to understand your reasons. They are very valid reasons and after all it's all a matter of waiting for better conditions before making a child. Having children is no joke and it seems wise to me to wait until you can afford it. Give your wife some time and hopefully she will accept your decision. If not, just try to sit down and talk to her. It is a very important thing to discuss. Please don't beat yourself up. Mistakes can happen. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, your wife and your family, Stuck1nhad

How you feel is how you feel, someone might not agree with it but that's just how you feel, and that goes for both of you.
If you are not sure if you ever want kids, that is one thing so obviously if she does then you don't share those long term goals. But if you're saying you don't want kids yet, we'll it's a serious thing and you do BOTH need to be ready. You haven't done a terrible thing, you were just being honest about how you felt, everyone is entitled to change their mind

You were just thinking about it. Yet, that doesn't mean you are ready for such an enormous committment. Children are extremely expensive and you can't just suddenly decide you don't want a child once you have one either. If your wife is not working, is not able to be independent she should not be thinking about having a child. And the two of you DEFINITELY need your relationship to be rock solid too. You have challenges you have shared here with your wife, the two of you have to sort that out first. You actually should give your marriage time before even thinking about having a child. Children put a lot of strain on a relationship too so if the relationship is weak then what? And if you broke up you are not working and can barely support yourself and your wife, she won't be able to get child support.

My suggestion? Get her a puppy and see how she does with that first. Puppies are a lot of work, but not as much as a human baby would be. Also, you always have to be prepared for a child that may have special needs too. There is no certainty when having a child that it will be perfect like some fairytale.

Also, being that she is all about a baby now, if she has one she will be all about the baby and will have even less time for you and your relationship.

Hey y’all

Thanks for the good suggestions and insights.

Unfortunately she now thinks that what was her period might of in fact been implantation bleeding. Either way when the two weeks are up I’ll be buying a bit load of pregnancy test.

While you might have said that on impulse. You were able to reflect on that and think logically about it. Which is good.

One thing that's not quite clear to me is whether you simply told her that you no longer want a child (for now) or you also delved into your reasons for not wanting one any longer.

I think which one it is does make a difference. If you simply went back on what you said without any explanation, she might want an answer as to why. Whether your answer would satisfy her is something else entirely. But at least the number of possible explanations that could be racing through her mind would cease.

If it's the second. Well, perhaps she disagrees on not being within the financial capacity to provide for a child. Another thing that could be worked out between the two of you.

I wish you the best of luck these next few weeks. I would be so stressed so I applaud you on staying calm. Even now I feel nervous for you. Having a child when I am not ready is one of my biggest fears in life. Regardless, countless individuals are put in that situation and make it through. I am a product of an unexpected pregnancy but, according to my mother, I am the best accident she ever had haha. You and your wife are in my thoughts. I hope things resolve between you two.

Oh dear.

I can truly see why your wife would be so hurt.

Take it from me. No one ever truly has enough money to raise a child. They cost a fortune but budgets can always be revised.

That’s true.

But last time OP posted he said neither of them have a job and they live with relatives. I see that changed as they did get jobs recently. It’s good. But let them work for at least a year to get some income! Place to live! Save money a bit so they can buy stuff for a kid. If she got a job like a month ago why must she have a kid right now?

Budgets can be revised but there is nothing to revise if income only starting coming in very recently.

What’s the urgent need to have a child right now? Why does it need to be now?

It doesnt sound like either of you should have kids right now.

We both have full time jobs right now. I’m actually looking at getting a better full time job.

At this point she has seen the logic in my decision. So she’s waiting

I am glad you have a job, I just think you should wait, I am glad she understands now

Well update time

She doesn’t understand and has gone baby crazy. Caught her trying to take the condom off during sex. She said that kids were the one thing she selfishly wants for herself. What I want came as a after thought when she was done ranting.

Well than do not have sex with her until you get into couples consulting and iron things out.

Please do not bring a child into the world unless you both are fully committed

If I wanted children and my partner didn’t - that would be a clear deal breaker for me. I’d end the relationship. No judgement please. But I wouldn’t bring a child into the world where only one person was keen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stuck1nhead Well update time She doesn’t understand and has gone baby crazy. Caught her trying to take the condom off during sex. She said that kids were the one thing she selfishly wants for herself. What I want came as a after thought when she was done ranting.

That is not ok. That is a violation of your trust. What if you didnt realize she was doing that? I think she needs to be on birth control and not just rely on condoms.

So yet again I had to crush her in order to be honest with myself. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the end of our marriage.

I hardened my heart and blatantly told her “I’m not ready to be a farther. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be ready”

I agree. It sounds like the OP and his wife should have discussed the kids issue more seriously before marriage. I have ended a relationship because he wanted kids and I didn't and my husband and I made sure we were on the same page regarding the issue soon after we started dating. It definitely is a huge dealbreaker.

I guess for now you need to keep the lines of communication as open as possible with your wife and see how things evolve. But you may need to consider separating if you ultimately want different things.

I'm going to mention something no one else has. It is unfair to the CHILD to bring them into a marriage where one person (selfishly by her own admission) wants children and the other does not.

I agree with Liz, a child needs and deserves to be wanted by both parents.