I don’t recognize my boyfriend anymode

Hi, everyone. I am new to the threads but I have recently embarked on my own mental health journey using therapy and I like to idea of being a part of community who understands mental health.

So, here is my current dilemma. I am a 23 gay man. I am in my first ever relationship with my boyfriend who recently turned 31. We met at the beginning of last year after we both were just looking for friends. We quickly hit it off, and our feelings developed very fast. It felt like I found the man of my dreams, my other half — my best friend who I have so much in common with. He is such a southern gentleman, going the extra mile to show how much he adores me. Planning dates, touching me, kissing me, holding my hand, calling me and sending me sweet texts.

He was married to his high-school girlfriend for basically all of his 20’s but eventually divorced her due to his sexuality and they remain good friends. He dated a truly evil man after her and needless to say he didn’t give himself time to heal before meeting me. We moved in together almost immediately, then moved into a place with my sister and her wife and that was when things got dark. We were at war with them all the time and it damaged my sister and my relationship. This went on for a year. Where we basically stayed in our room all the time. His depression got really bad and we argued a lot because my anxiety made me feel insecure a lot. I argued with him about little things all the time and got my feelings hurt easily. Toward the end of that year he made comments about how he thinks us living in different places but still being together would be good for his depression. I told him I don’t think I could maintain my feelings for him if we weren’t together for a long time. He said he feels like that would only mean we weren’t meant to be. I tried hard to “fix” him. I have showered him with gifts, constantly complimented him and told him I think he should go to therapy like I am doing now. He has began making jokes about us breaking up, him running away to another state (we hate Florida and both want to move to the mountains where he’s from). He overall just seems like a different person as his depression has progressed. To make matters worse I have started having panic attacks again and have developed a phobia I’m in therapy for.

We both talked about moving in with just us and how great it’d be, but he has flip flopped a lot. Finally he reconnected with his best friend and we decided to all move in together since they want to start a business together.

We just moved in, agreeing we’ll do one more year in Florida and then move out of state. She’s very lonely and codependent and I get super jealous because they spent more time together than we do. He and I have been arguing a lot and the more I express how much I miss romance and affection the more he pushes me away. He went from calling me all the time and texting me all the time to spending all day with her (they work from home) and only calling me like once. He says he’s truly feeling better having his friend there for him because they have a more similar communication style. And when I express my insecurity he says I’m selfish and if I love him I should be happy he’s finding something to be happy about...even if it’s not spending time with me right now.

Overall, I just feel like this sweet, hopeless romantic I fell in love with is being stolen from me and basically is being brainwashed by his own depression to think I don’t care about his well-being.

I accept I am very codependent. He tells me he just wants me to work on myself. He also thinks I need to work on being less possessive and controlling. I understand I’m clingy and I need to focus on my own mental health. That’s why I’m in therapy. But I really could use his love and affection right now. He just doesn’t seem able to give it to me unless it’s in small doses. He truly does try to support me, doesn’t make me feel bad for my anxiety and says he just needs me to do the same—even if that means giving him space. It’s just so hard and it hurts. I feel like I’m being gaslighted. Like, he and I were inseparable and out of nowhere I’m supposed to get over it if he literally just treats me like a friend. Sex has always been an issue because he doesn’t do it as much as I want but this is even worse. We never kiss, hug, or anything unless I initiate it.

I have asked family and friends for advice but they always take my side and I fear they’re enabling my anxiety and irrational thoughts. So I really would love a balanced perspective, especially from those with depression or anxiety.

I fear I’m going to lose him. I am still so in love with him. And I believe he still loves me. I am just tired of being a battle in his life. I want to be a source of happiness again. Should I disregard my insecurities and trust him for sake of the bigger picture?

Thanks.

It's not only in romantic relationships that can happen. Me and best friend are the same. She wants us to be together a lot, always. Preferably living together, which we did twice. I of course want to be her best friend, but I need time to myself and a home to myself. If I get other friends, she sees that as a threat, like I will leave her.

I'm not sure what to do since she wants us together more than I do, and for me that doesn't mean caring less! Also, I don't know why she is jealous, I haven't disappeared so far.

In really close friendships, and in romantic relationships we will always have a problem with people having different needs. If we both go half way to meet each others needs it still feels like both will lose out. I think we need to start having some acceptance for how relationships can never be perfect. With acceptance comes a sort of faith based foundation that is solid, and it is easier to heal from feelings of bad self esteem and the sorts.

It will be OK, is my new motto, and if it will not be OK, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. That really lowered my stress. For my friend, she never found ways of coping and I feel kind of bad and I don't know how to help her.

Take care of yourself and your guy. Try not to fight over small things. Life is short, and that is not something people just say.

You can't TRULY "fix" him ENTIRELY by yourself, @Ravenhairedwolf! I'm so sorry things are being SO HARD for BOTH OF YOU!!!!! Unfortunately Depression can change our own personalities and we can appear different to other people, even the ones who are the closest to us! I wonder if perhaps Couple Counselling could be an option for BOTH of you? Perhaps give it a thought! Either way, it is important for you to work on yourself and I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're doing it! As for your relationship, try to have a serious talk with him and decide TOGETHER where do you want to go from there! I feel like that's REALLY important. Communication is FUNDAMENTAL in EVERY relationship! It my even be that perhaps he just isn't in the right mindset for a relationship right now! I know it's hard to accept but sometimes that can happen! Please definitely talk to him and see if there are ANY solutions. Of course he has to do his part as well. It can't be all on you! If he refuses to get help or to talk things through, then I'm sorry to say this but you may want to SERIOUSLY reconsider your Relationship with Him! A relationship is made of MUTUAL respect after all, and also of collaboration between two people! He HAS to work on it with YOU if he TRULY wants to improve things in your Relationship and to Live an Happy Life together with you after all! Definitely discuss it together! Wishing you the best of luck to BOTH of you! I hope you'll be able to talk things through, work on your relationship and perhaps work on yourself individually as well! Please NEVER give up Hope! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH of you, @Ravenhairedwolf! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!!!!!

There are many layers to this. Depression is a very self centered place to be. I say that from experience and I do not mean selfish or anything ego wise. You are hyperfocused on your despair and tune anything uncomfortable out. Then he starts to be with his friend again and feels happiness so he wants to cling onto it no matter what it costs. My FIL has a saying: "Theres no room for two families under one roof." I think that applies to typical families, to couples, to couples with roommates. You are right to want to be a united couple and you are not wrong to want love attention an affection. No, I do not think it is ok for him to spend all day with the friend and then ignore you or distance himself from you. He is not dating his friend, he is dating you. As a couple the only way to keep growing and moving along in the long term is for you to have quality time together and physical affection as well as emotional connections. You are not getting that now.
Personally I would tell him that the friend either needs to move out, get a job or something to do outside of the home; and that he needs to put effort into the relationship-effort that is consistent. I fear your heartbreak with continue if he doesnt change.
You have to accept that you ultimately can not control him and prepare yourself for breaking up. If he truly sees nothing wrong with this scenario you have to decide how much pain and resentment you are willing to put up with.

Sorry to pry, but what are the sleeping arrangements in the house you all share now? Cuz it sounds to me like hes gone back to the home team.

No. He is very much gay. He sleeps with me every night and she is a 48 year old woman. They have more of a “homegirls” kind of friendship.

I should also clarify that it’s not as if my feelings are always correct. He does still try. He still calls me every morning to make sure I’m awake for work and tell me he loves me. We went out two days ago with his friend but he kissed me and told me he loved me and touched my butt throughout the day. Lol And when they went out shopping while I was at work he bought me some stuff and was super excited to show me.

I think it’s just that he’s still just depressed and also mad at me at our recent arguments. I said some hurtful things to him when we were arguing the other day and it always takes him longer to heal when I say something hurtful. He fought with his friend and they didn’t speak for a week two weeks ago. So it’s definitely just how he (and she) think. They share that sort of stoic attitude. He says I don’t let him have space when he’s mad at me. So I’m really just struggling on what to do. Should I surprise him and not react? Just be positive?

It’s so hard to paint an accurate picture of the passed 1 and a half years of our relationship in one thread. It’s so nuanced. I mostly just want to know how I deal with someone with depression and how I can know things will get better?

I am thinking of writing down questions I have for him and asking them to him tonight. Instead of accusing and worrying I’ll just ask him to answer the worries/questions I have.

Maybe he needs his own space with no pressure. If this friend is helping him feel better then allow him some space with that. If this friend and him are starting a business, let him try to do that for himself.

It's important you pay attention to this Ravenhairedwolf. You are describing a man who kept living his life FOR OTHERS and did not get to really live for himself. He is probably laid back which is one of the things you liked about him in that you tend to be anxious and anxiety filled. However, a red flag he needs space and is feeling overwhelmed is his starting to withdraw.

This is ALL ABOUT YOU here. You are smothering him with YOU, YOU, YOU. He keeps trying to ask for space in different ways and you respond with feeling anxious and end up holding on tighter. NOT GOOD! He is telling you that when he suggested living separately and seeing each other here and there. You need to learn how to LISTEN because if you don't you WILL lose him. Nice people get depressed when they experience another person who smothers them and takes over too much. The change in him is a reaction to YOUR being too much and he isn't getting his own space.

Thank for you this. I agree 100%. He has expressed these exact things. Saying he feels he’s always lived for other people and let people walk all over him and he wants to focus on him. I thought I understood that but I never *truly* got it until now. We had a talk yesterday and it went really well. Instead of listening to my anxiety I asked him questions and didn’t argue with him. I also apologized for how long it’s taken me to understand. I feel really really bad that I had such a bad approach this whole time, and I truly just wasn’t trusting him and listening to how he feels. Even though I really thought I was. We are already doing much better. I think just letting him know I understand and support him has made him feel so much better. I set him free and he’s not running away. He’s been a lot more present and affectionate.

I also really regret asking people with anxiety (my family and friends) for advice. I have a lot of people in my life who aren’t emotionally mature and they really enable my anxiety. What I really needed is tough love and a balanced point of view. That goes for my anxiety issues and being a better boyfriend. I love this man so much and I know he loves me. I just want him to be happy whatever it takes. I have become really aware of how toxic my second-guessing, intrusive “What if?” thoughts and general sensitivity are. To me and my relationship. I’m making the conscious choice to be more grounded for my sake and his sake.

Things are looking better!

It's very important you really do listen to this. You are still young yet and need to learn more about boundaries and paying attention to how you may "need" too much when it comes to other people. If you take up "his" life with YOUR life, he will need to leave you for his own mental health.

I struggle with both anxiety and depression myself as I have ptsd. My husband can be too much for me as he tends to take over my space too much. Truth is I like it when he is not around because when he IS around he tends to take over my space. Honestly, be glad for this friend of his that gives him some space where he can see himself as being creative and starting a business of some kind. If you start getting jealous of that then it's a red flag you are probably being selfish and need to rein yourself back and give him space. A flower can't grow if you stand over it constantly casting shade on it so it doesn't get enough sunlight.

Well I do want to clarify my intentions have always been pure. It’s hard to get a balanced perspective on such a limited platform but I’ve been dedicated to him since the day we met. I’ve hurt myself financially and my credit to help him with bills. I’ve called out of work to be there on his bad days. I’ve showered him with gifts, dates and so much more. And up until his depression got really bad *he* was the obsessive one. He used to call me three times a time and would blow my phone up when I wouldn’t respond. That’s why it was so confusing and hard when he suddenly needed this space. I finally let him in and then his depression just got so bad due to a host of personal issues he wasn’t dealing with. I made the mistake of assuming he still needed me to be up his *** and that the old methods would still work. Then my anxiety got so bad I leaned on him more than ever. Overall, I think we just have different mental illnesses and different communication styles. But I do recognize I failed to listen and made the mistake of assuming I knew him better than he does. So now I’m working on myself and he’s working on himself so we can be better boyfriends and have a healthier relationship. It’s been a really eye-opening learning experience for both of us. But I think my best move is to really learn how to deal with someone with depression. Because the methods for anxiety just weren’t working for him.

I’m happy to say we’re getting closer again and through all the darkness we’re seeing some light.

Is he in therapy Ravenhairedwolf?

Sometimes after experiencing a toxic relationship as you mentioned he experienced, a person, once gaining distance may need time to heal and have some therapy. Experiencing depression can actually cover a broad spectrum including feeling lost and vulnerable after being in an abusive relationship. It was nice of you to take care of him, however, it sounds like he is needing to get back on his own feet now and needs space to do so. Hopefully he is in therapy so he can work through all that has affected him.

Sort of. Kind of a longer story. But, After the bigger traumas in his last relationship he met with a man and he met him privately to discuss his issues. It was not really therapy but he said he helped him. He moved away very soon into their meetings and wasn’t a licensed mental health therapist but he was a retired pastor I think. They met online. I’ve made suggestions that he could benefit from therapy but he is a bit resistant. He hates when I use the word “trauma victim” because he disagrees with the term philosophically. So now I never say it. He also has said in arguments that he thinks I’m trying to tell him what to do just because therapy works for me. I offered to pay for therapy for him if he just showed up and he has said he’d consider it. But it’s still a touchy issue. He really gets offended at the notion that he has any issues as a result of abuse.

I truly believe he will eventually be open to it once I’m in a better place with my mental health and we’re doing better. Right now I’m just trying really hard not to trigger him at all.

Some trauma victims avoid therapy even thinking about it as trauma because it's just too painful and confusing to talk about it. A lot of victims of abuse feel shame and blame themselves. They feel even talking about it would be too painful so they avoid.

Giving him some space can be helpful, especially since he has been interacting with this female friend and being creative and thinking about "something" to move forward to. She may feel "safe" for him and that's what abuse victims need, someone to feel safe around. It's good that he is interacting with her verses withdrawing. What is important for anyone trying to recover from being abused and traumatized is gaining on their personal sense of control again.

It's good that you had that talk, he needs to know he can have boundaries and space. Keep in mind that it really can take him time to regain his sense of self. That means you will need to be extra patient with him and learn to listen to his hints that he needs some space.

From what you have shared, it took him time to finally realize and admit that he is gay. It sounds like the first gay relationship he experienced was abusive so that adds even more confusion. You cannot do his healing for him, all you can do is listen and hope that he will eventually reach out for therapy so he can heal. Given the two of you also experienced a challenge when it came to living with others, that most likely was triggering for him, especially since it got so bad you both had to hide out from the others in your room.

It's nice that you got him nice things etc., but it's important you understand that doesn't mean ownership of him. Abusers tend to take away safety and OWN their victims. It's all about "control, control, control". A victim of abuse once away from the abuser may not really consciously "know" what was lost to him/her during the abuse either. That can really take time to work through, and it's very important the victim experience their personal freedom again. They don't always know HOW to say it either. It typically comes out in a request for "space" and withdrawing even talking about living separately.

It sounds like initially it was "need" and that changed to desiring space. That is typical of someone who has been abused and hurt. Often it's not even a conscious thing either.