[Gymgirl71]

I am posting here before I make a mistake...I almost contacted him and I don’t want to do that...I will only feel 10x worse! I am having yet another anxiety attack because I know in my heart he used me and no longer has a use for me...

[Have Hope]

Sounds like you are addicted to him. You have to break the addiction. Like quitting smoking. You can do it!!

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Sounds like you are addicted to him. You have to break the addiction. Like quitting smoking. You can do it!!

but how?? I am literally shaking

[Have Hope]

BREATHe. if you feel the need to contact someone who is most toxic to you, it seems you are addicted. Why place your self worth and value in his hands? That’s what you’re doing. You’re giving him far too much power over you.

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

I am posting here before I make a mistake...I almost contacted him and I don’t want to do that...I will only feel 10x worse! I am having yet another anxiety attack because I know in my heart he used me and no longer has a use for me...

If posting here can get you through that kind of moment you Rock! Good for you. I know the feeling you describe and the struggle. Believe me it is Worth it to tough it out and if you 'slip', just start over immediately, NO CONTACT.
(it helps to have a written (can never remember these things in 'the moment')
list of activities that you can do instead (or must do FIRST, long enough to travel over or under those waters...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Sounds like you are addicted to him. You have to break the addiction. Like quitting smoking. You can do it!!

Originally Posted by Have Hope

BREATHe. if you feel the need to contact someone who is most toxic to you, it seems you are addicted. Why place your self worth and value in his hands? That’s what you’re doing. You’re giving him far too much power over you.

Yes...he enjoys the attention-negative or positive. He gets off on it

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by winter4me

If posting here can get you through that kind of moment you Rock! Good for you. I know the feeling you describe and the struggle. Believe me it is Worth it to tough it out and if you 'slip', just start over immediately, NO CONTACT.
(it helps to have a written (can never remember these things in 'the moment')
list of activities that you can do instead (or must do FIRST, long enough to travel over or under those waters...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))

90% of the time I slip....but it stops NOW. He is clearly getting off on the attention and ego boost I’m giving him..he’s a user.

[Have Hope]

@Gymgirl71, you have to break the toxic addiction. You said these things last time and ended up with him again. You need to mean what you say and stick to it.

[divine1966]

You need to work with therapist but as a short term solution try to substitute something else for calling him. Call your girlfriend? Sister? Go to gym? Clean? Go to public place where you can’t call? Post on here? Be too busy to call until you are over it.

I once told my t that j am not doing something (not related to relationships) because it causes me anxiety. She asked “you know being anxious not going to kill you, do you?”. I’ve been doing it since then despite being anxious because she was right. I survive.

You’ll shake today and tomorrow but a week from now you won’t shake.

[divine1966]

Don’t worry about what attention he wants or whatever get him off. Worry about yourself and what benefits you. Calling him doesn’t benefit you. You still keep posting what he does or wants etc it’s not important. Focus on yourself

[Open Eyes]

You are shaking because deep down you are worried about being punished for standing up for yourself instead of continuing the codependent behavior pattern he keeps pulling you into. I agree with other posters in that you will need to work on pulling away from your old habit of giving into codependency. You are not letting him down, you are letting yourself down if you go back for more of his abusive behaviors.

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by winter4me

If posting here can get you through that kind of moment you Rock! Good for you. I know the feeling you describe and the struggle. Believe me it is Worth it to tough it out and if you 'slip', just start over immediately, NO CONTACT.
(it helps to have a written (can never remember these things in 'the moment')
list of activities that you can do instead (or must do FIRST, long enough to travel over or under those waters...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))

Originally Posted by Have Hope

@Gymgirl71, you have to break the toxic addiction. You said these things last time and ended up with him again. You need to mean what you say and stick to it.

hence, why it’s 110% necessary to block, not just delete.

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Don’t worry about what attention he wants or whatever get him off. Worry about yourself and what benefits you. Calling him doesn’t benefit you. You still keep posting what he does or wants etc it’s not important. Focus on yourself

Yes, that’s the issue..I want to take my power back..each time I break contact I have to start over and it’s terrible

@gymgirl you are addicted to this relationship. It is fulfilling you emotionally for the WRONG reasons.

Have you sat down and written out the crazy cycle of this addictive relationship?

your anticipation – the encounter – momentary bliss – confusion – departure – longing – despair.

Write down what is being fulfilled for you in your addictive relationship:

sense of belong
feeling wanted
feeling needed
feeling noticed
feeling validated
etc.

Then, write down the common, obsessive thoughts you have when you think about this addictive relationship and this man:

fear of being alone
fear of not being loved
fear of not being taken care of
fear of being invisible
need to take care of him or he will date someone else
need to neglect myself and my son - we're not as important as this alcoholic guy
etc. etc.

This is where you need to be BRUTALLY HONEST with yourself. No more lying to yourself. No one will see these lists except for you. You need to write this out so that you can visually process what you already are thinking but haven't fully processed.

Addictive relationships are fantasies. We create these fantasies so that we can avoid feeling the pain of our reality - whatever that reality looks like in our lives.
I think you are also addicted to the traumatic bond you have with this man. Traumatic bond - ongoing cycle of abuse (abuser's reinforcement of the reward and punishment cycle on the victim creates an emotional attachment that is unbreakable).

You already know that you need to abstain from ALL contact (offline and online) but you can't...because of the emotional disregulation is causes you when you do cut off contact. Emotional disregulation can be anxiety attacks, crying, feeling alone, disassociating, etc. Basically, it's unpleasant because you have been conditioned to feel emotionally attached to this man and separating from him, feels impossible because of the pattern between you and him. You have to break it. No one can except for you.

What you need to think about doing is setting up some emotional counter-intuitive "bottom line" behaviors for yourself to follow.

I will trust my intuition.
I will no longer participate in no-win conversations.
I will no longer participate in impossible situations.
If I feel bad around someone, I will remove myself.
I will no longer make every decision a crisis.
I will live one day at a time.
I will learn to reframe negative experiences. In other words, I will look for the “silver lining” in all situations.
I will learn how to manage my emotions rather than have them control me.
I will take my power back.
I resolve to believe in myself.
If I feel emotionally unstable, I will connect with a safe person, not the object of my obsession.
I will have self-compassion.
I will honor and pay attention to my feelings.

The focus has been on him for the past year and what is wrong with him and what he needs to change. That's called, bargaining. Victims of abuse do it. So, you need to stop bargaining with yourself and set better boundaries.

Shift your focus to what you've been doing wrong for the past year and the consequences, and follow the bottom-line behaviors as a new focus for yourself. If you can shift your focus away from your addiction and back on to yourself, and the life you have with your son, as a single mother, and focus on the responsibilities and rewards that come with that identity instead of the identity of being an alcoholic's girlfriend, you will eventually be able to break your addiction cycle to him. But you have to stop making excuses as to why you go back to him. You know why you do. We know why. So, the first step is doing those exercises and probably ask a friend to help you whom you trust, or find a therapist at a walk-in clinic for free if you can't afford one to help you. You can even go to addiction support groups and talk about your addiction to this alcoholic -- like, go to an AA meeting for partners of alcoholics since you technically are one. And talk about your addiction to him and what impact it's had on you and your son's life, and what you know you have to do to break free from him.

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Don’t worry about what attention he wants or whatever get him off. Worry about yourself and what benefits you. Calling him doesn’t benefit you. You still keep posting what he does or wants etc it’s not important. Focus on yourself

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

@gymgirl you are addicted to this relationship. It is fulfilling you emotionally for the WRONG reasons.

Have you sat down and written out the crazy cycle of this addictive relationship?


Write down what is being fulfilled for you in your addictive relationship:


Then, write down the common, obsessive thoughts you have when you think about this addictive relationship and this man:

This is where you need to be BRUTALLY HONEST with yourself. No more lying to yourself. No one will see these lists except for you. You need to write this out so that you can visually process what you already are thinking but haven't fully processed.

Addictive relationships are fantasies. We create these fantasies so that we can avoid feeling the pain of our reality - whatever that reality looks like in our lives.
I think you are also addicted to the traumatic bond you have with this man. Traumatic bond - ongoing cycle of abuse (abuser's reinforcement of the reward and punishment cycle on the victim creates an emotional attachment that is unbreakable).

You already know that you need to abstain from ALL contact (offline and online) but you can't...because of the emotional disregulation is causes you when you do cut off contact. Emotional disregulation can be anxiety attacks, crying, feeling alone, disassociating, etc. Basically, it's unpleasant because you have been conditioned to feel emotionally attached to this man and separating from him, feels impossible because of the pattern between you and him. You have to break it. No one can except for you.

What you need to think about doing is setting up some emotional counter-intuitive "bottom line" behaviors for yourself to follow.


The focus has been on him for the past year and what is wrong with him and what he needs to change. That's called, bargaining. Victims of abuse do it. So, you need to stop bargaining with yourself and set better boundaries.

Shift your focus to what you've been doing wrong for the past year and the consequences, and follow the bottom-line behaviors as a new focus for yourself. If you can shift your focus away from your addiction and back on to yourself, and the life you have with your son, as a single mother, and focus on the responsibilities and rewards that come with that identity instead of the identity of being an alcoholic's girlfriend, you will eventually be able to break your addiction cycle to him. But you have to stop making excuses as to why you go back to him. You know why you do. We know why. So, the first step is doing those exercises and probably ask a friend to help you whom you trust, or find a therapist at a walk-in clinic for free if you can't afford one to help you. You can even go to addiction support groups and talk about your addiction to this alcoholic -- like, go to an AA meeting for partners of alcoholics since you technically are one. And talk about your addiction to him and what impact it's had on you and your son's life, and what you know you have to do to break free from him.

thanks..I’ll do this tonight..he never, ever acknowledged my concerns either..it was always telling me to “chill” or that I’m “overreacting” or that I’m “too intense” “overwhelming “ etc...so it’s no wonder I didn’t feel valued.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

@gymgirl you are addicted to this relationship. It is fulfilling you emotionally for the WRONG reasons.

Have you sat down and written out the crazy cycle of this addictive relationship?


Write down what is being fulfilled for you in your addictive relationship:


Then, write down the common, obsessive thoughts you have when you think about this addictive relationship and this man:

This is where you need to be BRUTALLY HONEST with yourself. No more lying to yourself. No one will see these lists except for you. You need to write this out so that you can visually process what you already are thinking but haven't fully processed.

Addictive relationships are fantasies. We create these fantasies so that we can avoid feeling the pain of our reality - whatever that reality looks like in our lives.
I think you are also addicted to the traumatic bond you have with this man. Traumatic bond - ongoing cycle of abuse (abuser's reinforcement of the reward and punishment cycle on the victim creates an emotional attachment that is unbreakable).

You already know that you need to abstain from ALL contact (offline and online) but you can't...because of the emotional disregulation is causes you when you do cut off contact. Emotional disregulation can be anxiety attacks, crying, feeling alone, disassociating, etc. Basically, it's unpleasant because you have been conditioned to feel emotionally attached to this man and separating from him, feels impossible because of the pattern between you and him. You have to break it. No one can except for you.

What you need to think about doing is setting up some emotional counter-intuitive "bottom line" behaviors for yourself to follow.


The focus has been on him for the past year and what is wrong with him and what he needs to change. That's called, bargaining. Victims of abuse do it. So, you need to stop bargaining with yourself and set better boundaries.

Shift your focus to what you've been doing wrong for the past year and the consequences, and follow the bottom-line behaviors as a new focus for yourself. If you can shift your focus away from your addiction and back on to yourself, and the life you have with your son, as a single mother, and focus on the responsibilities and rewards that come with that identity instead of the identity of being an alcoholic's girlfriend, you will eventually be able to break your addiction cycle to him. But you have to stop making excuses as to why you go back to him. You know why you do. We know why. So, the first step is doing those exercises and probably ask a friend to help you whom you trust, or find a therapist at a walk-in clinic for free if you can't afford one to help you. You can even go to addiction support groups and talk about your addiction to this alcoholic -- like, go to an AA meeting for partners of alcoholics since you technically are one. And talk about your addiction to him and what impact it's had on you and your son's life, and what you know you have to do to break free from him.

Beautifully stated and excellent advice!!!

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

thanks..I’ll do this tonight..he never, ever acknowledged my concerns either..it was always telling me to “chill” or that I’m “overreacting” or that I’m “too intense” “overwhelming “ etc...so it’s no wonder I didn’t feel valued.

Ahh...look at what you wrote. You are still bargaining. Still focused on him and what he's done to you. Right now, you are trapped in this addictive relationship. So, try those writing exercises tonight and every day if you need to.

I find that the act of physically writing -- not typing -- activates my brain in a way that actually calms me down and helps me focus. It also activates my memory center of my brain (I sound like a nerd but this is how I sound to myself) and I can recall information much faster and more accurately when I hold a pen in my hand and write on paper.

So, I think if you try these writing exercises daily, you may notice a change in how you feel. Add some AA support meetings (those are offered every day, every where), a therapist, and soon you'll be on your way to breaking free from this addictive relationship. It's going to take a lot of work but I know you can do it.

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Beautifully stated and excellent advice!!!

Thanks Have Hope!

I want to apply for career counseling and academic advising jobs. I like connecting people to resources. So, a job where I can do that would fulfill me. Teachers do that, but I've taught and couldn't financially sustain myself. I love teaching too. Oh well.

I printed out the job descriptions. I'm going to take them with me next week to my new career counselor meeting -- she has been one for 20 years, won awards, and has a stellar reputation in the career counseling community. Hello, gut! Glad I listened to you! (Switching from that new guy to her will save me, I think).

[Open Eyes]

Gymgirl, see if anything in the link feels familiar.

Fawning: The Fourth Trauma Response We Don'''t Talk About

[Have Hope]

@Gymgirl71, I used to get obsessed with ex's who didn't give me the love, caring, respect and attention I deserved. I was looking to them to give me the self-worth and love I lacked within myself. IF I could get that unavailable, emotionally abusive man to just show me that he loved me, and bend over backwards with apologies and love, then I would feel worthy of his love and of anyone's love. That is faulty thinking, and I suspect it's what you're doing as well. We have to first love ourselves and feel that we are worthy. When we feel worthy and when we fill ourselves with self-love and self-respect, it is MUCH easier to shun and walk away from someone who is not giving us the love and respect we deserve. This is something you need to work on... it is something I am still working on for myself. (((hugs)))

[TishaBuv]

“IF I could get that unavailable, emotionally abusive man to just show me that he loved me, and bend over backwards with apologies and love, then I would feel worthy of his love and of anyone's love.”
^Yup, this is where it all stems from when you’ve had emotionally unavailable early childhood role models, alcoholics or not.

Hugely wise and insightful comments on this thread, but the reality of kicking this addiction is HARD.

Normally, I don’t suggest blocking people. But in your case I would block, unfriend, and delete his number so you can’t call him in a moment of weakness.

You can text him that this relationship is unhealthy for you, you are going to work on yourself and to not contact you again. Then DELETE HIM.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

“IF I could get that unavailable, emotionally abusive man to just show me that he loved me, and bend over backwards with apologies and love, then I would feel worthy of his love and of anyone's love.”
^Yup, this is where it all stems from when you’ve had emotionally unavailable early childhood role models, alcoholics or not.

Hugely wise and insightful comments on this thread, but the reality of kicking this addiction is HARD.

Normally, I don’t suggest blocking people. But in your case I would block, unfriend, and delete his number so you can’t call him in a moment of weakness.

You can text him that this relationship is unhealthy for you, you are going to work on yourself and to not contact you again. Then DELETE HIM.

Yes it is. Isn’t that really what it comes down to? Trying to obtain the love from an adult who mirrors the parent, the parent who never gave the love to begin with. And when we’re deprived of love as kids, as adults we never feel worthy. We go knocking on the same door over and over again, and fail over and over again. It’s the parent who failed the child. And then it’s the child who needs to find healing, self worth and self love.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Yes, really great advice in this thread.

I'm sorry, gymgirl.

I've been that person, too, and I know that sometimes nothing works. The lure of ANY kind of contact is a million times stronger than anything on earth. One message from them and an orchestra strikes up. Angels start to sing. One is back in the blissful land of Love, rather than out there (forever) in the cold.

It's absolutely right to try and see the cycle, and work on your issues and everything. But maybe you could tell us what you feel might actually work?

Just to let you know, I suffered so much that I developed a sub-personality to deal with the situation.

No offence to people with other mental health conditions. Mine was a semi-conscious choice, and I realise that it in no way compares with what many others go through.

Gymgirl, I don't suggest developing a sub-personality!

But mine did help to get rid of Him.

She was very assertive, didn't care about anything and was extremely rude to that person's face. Over and over.

Maybe you can see from my experience that I had those powers inside myself all the time, but I just could not access them.

[Open Eyes]

Gymgirl, you have not posted in a bit. Hopefully this doesn't mean you gave in and once again went back to this toxic man.

I posted the link to fawning because I noticed what I will quote below seemed to be a pattern with you.

The more invested I was in an emotional connection, the less likely I was to criticize that person, vocalize when my boundaries were crossed, express unhappiness with their behavior, or share anything that I felt might damage that relationship…

It took stepping away from a friendship that had so thoroughly gaslit and demolished me — while plummeting into the deep depths of anorexia — before I realized that chasing controlling, emotionally unavailable, even abusive people was crushing my spirit.

I sought out the most emotionally inaccessible people, and I threw myself into the pursuit, somehow believing that if I could secure the love and affection of the most unattainable person, it would indisputably prove my worthiness.

I think it's important to first see your pattern so you can understand it and work towards changing the unhealthy pattern where you never really get the kind of recognition you keep trying for.

[Have Hope]

This:

"I sought out the most emotionally inaccessible people, and I threw myself into the pursuit, somehow believing that if I could secure the love and affection of the most unattainable person, it would indisputably prove my worthiness."

YES.