[MsLady]

My partner has been working through his DBT workbook. There are sticky notes in the bedroom that says,

"Your intentions are good,"

"You're a good person,"

"The past is the past,"

"Don't look back,"

"Love yourself"

I get it's part of the therapy he's using to "burn new pathways into the brain", as he says.. but reading them has been such a trigger for me! He's caused a lot of damage in our relationship .. with the covert abuse, financial infidelity, compulsive lying, the women issues, "secret social life", issues around boundaries, privacy, loyalty ... on and on it goes.. lets just now FORGET IT ALL!

It makes me angry.. truly. I'll definitely be talking about this with my new therapist.. the one I had to hire to deal with all this BS.. "Poor guy".. he just needs to "love himself".. what a victim.. him.. wtf.

He often tells me he's a "good person". His intentions are "good". He just wants people to "like him".. think he's "funny".. meanwhile he's taken our relationship to the ground because of it.

I'm angry at myself for not having the means to leave before it got to this level.. for making excuses for him and seeing the "good" in him. I'm angry for caring about him, for putting myself out there, for putting a gigantic dent in my finances for the good of our family.. for assuming he did have "good intentions".. gawd, stick a fork in me.

Not having a good couple of days.

[divine1966]

Can he write these things in a journal? I’d not want sticky notes in a bedroom especially if it’s upsetting. Have you met his therapist? I wonder if he presents the situation as he is being misunderstood at home? And he has to convince himself that he is a good person? I wonder what’s the focus of his therapy? I understand it’s private though

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Can he write these things in a journal? I’d not want sticky notes in a bedroom especially if it’s upsetting. Have you met his therapist? I wonder if he presents the situation as he is being misunderstood at home? And he has to convince himself that he is a good person? I wonder what’s the focus of his therapy? I understand it’s private though

We haven't been sharing bedrooms. Even though it's "our" bedroom and I'll be returning once the night feeds are done, it's temporarily "his" room for now. It doesn't bother me that it's on his wall. It bothers me what's written on them.

Due to covid19, both of our therapists live out of town and have our sessions via phone. He's had 3 "appointments" with her so far.. and I don't think I can just call her and speak with her.. nor do I think I'd be allowed to with his permission.

I don't ask him about his therapy. He's shared some of it with me, though.. like I'm his best friend and he wants me to know how much of his codependency has affected his abilities to be assertive with others.. and that he just needs to be ok with people not liking his point of views and boundaries. To some degree, yes, this is true. It's a single layer of the bigger picture when it comes to his compulsive lying though. Gee, I want to stick that fork in him!

We can't change the past. I get it. He can't undo what's already been done. These sticky notes just rubs me the wrong way. He's definitely convinced himself, his family and friends, and his therapist that he's a good person. And ya, I see good things in him, too. But what about all the damaging stuff. I feel like he's still in hiding .. still trying to play the victim.. still not forthright about the extent of his behaviours.

[divine1966]

No I don’t think you can just call someone’s therapist. I think i mistakenly thought it was a couple therapist that saw her separately. Don’t know where I got this idea.

One can hope that after 3 sessions and working on establishing that he is a good person he’d start working on other issues too. But sadly you won’t know if he will as he’d need to be up front with his therapist, you don’t know if he is. . I think you said couples therapist fired you, but maybe you can find a new one.

I wonder if his individual therapy can even help with your relationship if his focus is not necessarily on improving his behavior towards his family.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by divine1966

One can hope that after 3 sessions and working on establishing that he is a good person he’d start working on other issues too. But sadly you won’t know if he will as he’d need to be up front with his therapist, you don’t know if he is. . I think you said couples therapist fired you, but maybe you can find a new one.

I wonder if his individual therapy can even help with your relationship if his focus is not necessarily on improving his behavior towards his family.

I think our couples counselor saw the red flags in him. She believed me when it came to his "storytelling" and inappropriate behaviours. I don't think she wanted to be further involved, and instead recommended us to seek individual counseling. Knowing what I know now, I'd be hanging myself if we pursued couples counseling again. I've read multiple articles that advised against that, too. Through our benefits, we're only allowed 3-6 sessions per file. We can keep opening new files as long as the topic of interest changes.

He's making efforts. He's trying not to be so reactive, which will take time. He's trying to be more present (until another woman or text message is in his view). He's backed off with a specific demand/expectation regarding our 3yr old. I dug my heals. He's clearly working through his book.

He's also been up and down a lot. I'm not sure what's triggering his moods.. his out-of-the-blue "happy" self.. to his near tears personality. It doesn't seem to come within the family. It's as if an exterior source is affecting him that I know nothing about. I could even blame myself because I've distanced myself from him, but then, where's the happiness coming from? He tells me he "doesn't know".. one of compulsive liars' go-to lines.

I do feel he's desperately trying to convince himself that he's a "good person" so he can blame his behaviours elsewhere. I worry there's a darker side within him that has yet to surface fully. I'm worried that due to the lack of trust, I'm inadvertently creating scenarios in my head that don't exist because I'm afraid of these unknowns.

[MsLady]

So my partner declared a breakup tonight. He wants me to write a letter to the board tomorrow, asking them to put the shares back into his name.. and move out. I won't be writing such letter.

I expressed concern about a boundary issue regarding our daughter and he reacted. He said he's done and wants 50/50. I'm not sure if he's just reacting (this is his 3rd threat in the past 3 years) or if I'm going to be dragged through a legal battle.

I need all the support I can get. He's not going to make this easy.

[divine1966]

I am sorry to hear it. It can’t be easy.

Whose place is it or are you renting? I’d consult with a lawyer immediately. In my understanding your location recognizes common law so you might go through division of assets if you have any and you definitely need to establish child support payments very quickly.

I’d not be writing any kind of letters but I’d be consulting with a lawyer today. Some might be doing it virtually but you can get a lawyer and you gotta do it quick so you know where you stand

Before I read your last post, about him breaking up w you, I was going to ask you what was stopping you from breaking up with him. In a warped way Ms Lady, he is doing you a favor. You are not happy with him and he sounds extremely unhealthy, especially the lying, cheating, and the whole "I'm a good person" post it notes would trigger me too.

I'm curious to know his reason for wanting to break up. But again, you are better off without him.

Build a life that makes you happy.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy

Before I read your last post, about him breaking up w you, I was going to ask you what was stopping you from breaking up with him. In a warped way Ms Lady, he is doing you a favor. You are not happy with him and he sounds extremely unhealthy, especially the lying, cheating, and the whole "I'm a good person" post it notes would trigger me too.

I'm curious to know his reason for wanting to break up. But again, you are better off without him.

Build a life that makes you happy.

I'm unable to leave this relationship right now and I'm scared. He doesn't want to break up with me now. It's a threat because I had a boundary concern I'll be speaking with my therapist about today.

I don't know he's cheated. He's definitely been interacting with other women via text and email though. Emotional affairs are not great, either.

[MsLady]

It's been a very upsetting day. I have a therapy session in half hour so I'll post more later. I'm curious to what she has to say.

Basically, he's minimized everything and told me I need to stop blaming him for how "I feel". He wants me to see him as "good".. something he repeated again and again, today. He's accusing me of all sorts of things that I've had concerns with about him.. using similar language. His interpretation is so left field about some of this.

It's a train wreck and my body is shaking. I'm really doubtful we'll be able to work through this because he's scared of the truth.

Now it's become about me "misinterpreting" pretty much everything and it's my "anxieties" that's feeding into all of this. All relationships have "troubles" and he's working on himself. He's stopped therapy and will be working through the DBT workbook, himself.

Oy..

[MsLady]

So therapy today was what I expected. She told me everything I was aware of, and the one question I did have, she was unable to answer.

I was advised to come up with a backup plan instead of waiting for him to make the move.. and to focus more about what I need to do.

We know we can't change anyone nor can we get them to become more aware, learn, or understand someone else's point of view. My perspective of our situation is vastly different than my partner's. Both of our needs are not being met and I don't think he will ever come to realize how his behaviours have impacted me. He wants me to move forward and leave everything else behind. Had I not been in my situation, I would have left already.

I don't have or know of any backup plans.

I don't plan on writing that letter, with hopes the board members won't turn it over due to his long history living there, plus having family there (who are also on the board). I'll have to read the laws around that. My partner is still requesting I write it, regardless.

If I could afford to move elsewhere, I would. I live in the most expensive city. I don't drive so I'm limited.

That's all I've got. I'll be a struggling single parent with 2 young children I won't be able to see as often.

The alternative? Keep my mouth shut. Give him the attention, reputation, and intimacy he wants.. and not expect to have my needs met.

That's all I've got.

[MsLady]

Is it possible to project and deflect without knowing you're doing it? For someone who has an extreme need to protect their image, does this need override their awareness that they're projecting/deflecting?

I was listening to my partner rant one early morning (girls were asleep). Most of what he said had zero accuracy and some distorted generalizations. The only truth I heard was about his awareness of me distancing myself from him. He says I really need to take a good look at my life because my need to have boundaries and privacy is skewed and uhealthy. Meanwhile, he's mentioned in the past about his dad having boundaries and control issues... but lets look at "my" past.

My past is the reason why I've opted to adopt the Attachment Parenting model. It's why I'm sensitively aware about treating our daughters equally (no favouritisms). It's why being mindful to their feelings and security is important. It's why setting personal boundaries are critical. I was born in a very religious town and so I've grown to me more conservative with how I present myself and my girls. That's ok, too.

I then had an appointment with a parenting specialist and told her all about my approaches and parenting styles, strategies used around privacy and boundaries, and issues my partner now has against me. Throughout our conversation, she kept saying things like, "you're spot on", "definitely appropriate", " I understand what you're saying", "It's good that you're ___" etc. She expressed no concern about my approaches and felt no need to rebook another appointment, unless a new topic of concern came up for me.

I later sent an email to my partner that listed 10 issues we discussed at the appointment which he's had issues with. His response to it was, "Ok." Go figure!! Now he doesn't think I suffer from a "mental health disorder", he doesn't think I'm "damaging his bond with our 3yr old", he doesn't think what I see with my own eyes is a result of my upbringing, and teaching personal boundaries is a good thing.. etc. Just like that.

Now it's as if nothing ever happened. He is being very supportive and tells me we can proceed exactly to what makes me "comfortable". He initially wanted me to move out and suffer financial crisis because of it, over a boundary concern I brought up. Now I'm the "love of his life" again.

When his emotions run high, he says things that are completely unfounded. Just a lot of blame to victimize himself with. These are the same stories he passes around, having people think I'm mentally ill, paranoid, controlling, and damaging to our daughters. When he's back at baseline, he no longer thinks in this way at all. I'm just trying to understand the extreme differences in stories. I get when we're upset, it's possible to overreact due to our emotions. For me though, my stories are still the same, whether I'm upset or not. I may overreact to a misunderstanding until it's clarified. But I don't change a scenario, altogether. It's confusing.

Now he's back to wanting physical contact and is pushing my comfort level. He knows this but says he no longer lies and is working on himself to be a "better person", so I need to "try", too.. lol

The only backup plan I have is to wait for a new unit since I've been on the internal list for a number of years. Unfortunately, the only movement here is if someone passes away. It's a great place to live in our very expensive city. This could take years.