Finding hidden cameras

Why would he feel the need to change all of a sudden? You are still staying with him and having children all while he abuses and controls you. He knows that you are not going anywhere or you’ll be gone long time ago. Plus you can’t change a man by threatening to leave. I don’t think it works marrying people who require that much change.

Pretty much he has to turn into someone else.

A man who watches his wife in intimate situations on secret cameras, goes through her phone, nor allowing her to leave the house, and beats her up, isn’t going to become kind and loving partner. It’s not who he is. Such transformations only happen in fairy tales. It’s magical thinking.

I get that you WANT things to be better lady411, but he is not holding up his part and having faith is often not enough. He is not behaving like a man who WANTS his family to succeed. You don't keep a family together by scaring and hitting your wife and putting up cameras and spying on her either. These are things CONTROLLING and abusive men do, NOT a caring healthy man.

This is why YOU need to reach out for therapy because you are not seeing what it is, instead you do the hope and pray thing and that's not going to work or fix the dysfunctional control this man is displaying.

I can’t duel on past mistakes. I can only move forward from my present circumstances. I gotta say Divine, I’m not digging your negativity. But I have nothing but love for your honesty. I have no intention of separating my children from their father. He shares joint custody with his oldest daughter (age 11) and there haven’t been any issues as far as abuse. I cannot predict his future behavior so my actions on all these predictions of yours will have to wait.

I definitely didn’t grow up in an abusive home. My parents turned their life over to God when I turned 3 by devoting themselves in the choir ministry. So I grew up with the Lord’s music in my heart: from being in the children’s choir to being a missionary as an adult. I’m an only daughter of 5 children. So you can pretty much say I got away with a lot as Daddy’s little girl (still am).

What would need to happen before you would leave him?

I understand you completely. Yes I have stayed with him through some hurdles. But we have also had a lot of good times. I understand that in no way do the good times eradicate any times of any form of abuse. I am the type of person that once I decide to leave there is no turning back. Yes, he does have some insecurities which is why he goes they my phone(BTW I did change my lock code already). Yes, the hidden cameras is completely unacceptable. I never said he doesn’t allow me to leave the house. That’s just crazy. I am free to come and go as I please. He does question me when I go to places out of the norm which is concerning and that needs to change.

I’m sorry we don’t share the same optimism but I assure you my optimism is not blind it’s full of faith that God can do powerful things. I only believe this because He did the same with my father. I am fully aware and prepared to do what is best for my children and myself. It won’t be easy but if it’s what’s best then I will leave.

I haven’t mentioned on this thread that one of my brothers is actually a Marriage and Family Therapist. He asked me that very same question about a year and a half ago when he became abusive with me while being pregnant. I couldn’t answer that question. And that really scares me.

You have a loving family, a good support system present. What is your husband's family and history like? From what you describe of him, he sounds VERY insecure and is taking that out on you. Sometimes lady411, no matter how much you want to fix that, it doesn't get fixed and often gets worse.

I am realistic rather than negative.

I’d love to have positive thinking about your situation but it’s not easy as what you described isn’t positive.

As about custody I am not saying he shouldn't see them but being alone with them full time or 50/50 might not be the best. He gets in vicious fights with you about his daughter and mundane things like bed time and yelling obscenities at you in his daughters presence. He might do the same with all three and you won’t be there to prevent it. It can’t be good fir the kids.

Plus if he smokes weed all evening he is likely high a lot so that’s why he might be getting out of control. I’d be concerned that he’d be alone with the kids possibly high and become abusive verbally or otherwise. Or get a new girlfriend and abuse her in kids presence.

It’s not negative. It’s realistic. It’s not a prediction. Sadly that’s how things work. I just want you to be aware how things might play out if you have no documented evidence of his behaviors.

Trust me I’d love to be optimistic and positive about the future. But I am not naive. I wish you the best in
this and I’d be excited to hear about big positive changes in your marriage.

I do have an excellent and loving support system in place and I know any of my brothers including my parents will take me in with my 3 children (this doesn’t even include my extended family).
My husband’s family history on the got her hand involves all forms of extensive abuse.
Thank you for your thoughts Open Eyes.

Then I am sure that your family is extremely sad that you are choosing to keep yourself and your children in abuse.

You have the ability to choose differently, your children do not. Choose wisely FOR THEM.

For the moment, only my parents know about last week’s incident. My whole family doesn’t need to know everything right now while I sort it all out.

If your husband grew up with an abusive family he may struggle with not feeling good enough for you and sometimes that turns out "for some" to be a life long battle and they simply can't have a healthy normal relationship. He may have had the same problem with the mother of the older children he has.

I am very concerned when you say it's "your fault" he slapped you or got angry. It's simply not the case and no person should be hitting and yelling.

Keep in mind, there are members here that have experienced abuse, they know the red flags and they know they WANTED things to be ok but it simply did not happen and they had to get away and sometimes it's ugly when an abuser knows you are going to leave them.

It has occurred to me that a lot of the problems we have now may have been the same ones he came across in his previous marriage.
I didn’t mean that I believe it was my fault. I meant even tho it feels that way I am very aware it is not my fault. But it feels that way which it concerns me as well.
I am growing very aware of all the red flags that have been going up throughout our 6 year relationship.

I believe you are actually a good person, have experienced love and caring and that you even have genuine faith too. HOWEVER, sometimes a person who has all that will believe that if they just PRAY that somehow some kind of super being will come and "fix' AND heal. Unfortunately "these angels and magical things a person embraces don't FIX. They can help a person have hope, maintain their own goodness even, yet, they don't suddenly just "fix" a person that is disordered and toxic. Instead, sometimes how these prayers are answered more is in a person finally SEEING the things that are unhealthy and gaining the strength to disconnect from that individual. You mentioned you come from a close religious family? Then it's important to pay attention to the messages that talk about recognizing those who will not embrace the things that truely are good and healing and kind. While Judas loved Jesus, he was also jealous of him and ultimately did betray him. Now, in saying that I am not preaching but merely pointing out that YES it's important to hear the messages that say "beware" and say that not all can embrace the good we wish they would.

When we have children lady, it's important that we help THEM understand this so that they can grow into strong adults that are capable of reconizing the kind of behaviors that can hurt them even when they wish that was not so.

My sister remained with her abusive ex for years hoping he would change. Each of the three teenage boys are in therapy, one has an anxiety issue and panic attacks, another acts out and became a mean child, particularly to girls, and the other youngest one just began therapy. All because they witnessed their father abusing their mother.

lady411, from what you have shared here in your thread, right now what you are actually doing (unknowingly) is you are "surviving", and your dream of is "thriving". What you need to understand is that you are NOT thriving but only just "surviving" and living your life right now according to HIS ongoing "disorder" that he developed from growing up in an abusive dysfunctional family environment. And the reason his last relationship ended was because the individual he was married to could no longer survive the way he was behaving which is what YOU are now experiencing with him.

What Have Hope just shared with you is that her sister ended up marrying an abusive narcissistic man not all that different from her father. Her sister was NOT thriving in that relationship, instead all she was doing was simply surviving it just as she had done with her father growing up as she had seen her father treating her mother in similar ways SHE herself was being treated by her husband. It's important that you pay attention to what her sister is facing NOW with her children where they ALL have problems and have needed THERAPY.

Often what CAN happen is a child that grows up with dysfunction ends up experiencing the same kind of dysfunction in their relationship because "its' familiar". This is NOT what you want YOUR children to struggle with, AND THEY WILL.

I understand that you want YOUR marriage to last like the marriages your parents and their parents had. Yet, it's VERY important that you SEE why that desire can be not only detrimental to you but also to your children and they are already being affected even at their very young ages. ("My husband slapped me while I was 7 months pregnant and holding my 1 year old) That is NOT healthy AT ALL and nothing that 1 year old deserved to see her father do to her mommy.

You need to see here that you are trying to protect him. Instead of saying "ones he came across" you should instead be saying "ones HE created". It's important to be HONEST here.

This is something you need to read carefully.

The Many Faces of Domestic Violence: Understanding Mental, Emotional and Sexual Violence

This is the pattern you are living in from what you have shared.

@lady411,

I agree with Divine that your thinking is that a magician will make your husband stop hitting and abusing you.

Since you are God believing, God has no power over free will of humans. Therefore, your husband has free will and God cannot interfere with that. Please know this.

There is no magical formula that will change this man's behaviors towards you. No amount of reasoning, begging, pleading, prayers or anything else will change him, especially since he thinks therapy is a joke. So even that won't help.

What scares and worries me tremendously is that you seem to not be listening at all to the advice, wisdom and warnings that are given to you in this thread that every member has given you -- from many members who have also been abused in relationships.

What also concerns me is that your love for this man seems to be FAR more important to you than your children's well-being and overall welfare. He hit you while you were pregnant and holding a child in your arms, and you didn't call the police, pack your bags and run like the dickens? It's really hard to wrap my brain around.

I'm sorry to say this and this may sound harsh, but you're being very stubborn about wanting to keep this marriage together for the sake of keeping a marriage together, and you're being most stubborn in thinking that all of this magically will resolve itself, improve and change for the better.

I apologize for sounding harsh. I do have empathy for you because I, too, have been abused many times over -- never hit - but severely abused in every other way. I ran from one man, literally, for my own safety and well-being. So I have been there and done that. That's why its frustrating to watch you stay and remain with this most abusive man, at all costs, to the detriment of yourself AND your children.

And trust me, it will only get worse from here.

So what will it take to leave him? When you can't hide the bruises, the pain, the tears and the suffering anymore from your children? What will it take?

Statistically, abuse escalates and worsens over time, the longer the victim stays. Please educate yourself on abusive relationships and the realities of them. And that's the direction you're headed in.

You are quiet today lady411, you ok?

I am taking all this one day at a time. I know it may not seem like much, but last night I feel like I stood up for myself. He got home late from work (1am) as he has been most nights for over a month now. And as he tried to slip into bed with me, for the first time ever I told him I was not ready and we had a lot to talk about before we could be intimate again. We haven’t been intimate in over a week now and this is the longest we’ve ever gone without having sex. I swear I thought he would smack me in the head for doing so. Not because he has slapped me in the past for denying him, I think it’s because the past week I’ve been repeatedly running that scene from last week’s incident in my head. He got up, walked away, and slept on the couch once more.
I truly must have a trauma tho. I’ve been running so many scenes from the past 6 years in my head. Many that I’ve been bottling up for quite some time.
In the past I would’ve just given in and then everything would go back to the way it was as if nothing ever happened. I just can’t see myself being intimate with someone who has hurt me so many times. How can that be love?

It’s not that I just believe praying about it will make it all get fixed and heal. There’s a whole lot of work that would still need to go into the recovery process. God gave us free will to have faith and do good but also to do bad, repent, and mend those wounds we’ve caused. I can’t blindly believe that my husband will change with just prayer. I need to see that he truly repents and is willing to put in the work, like therapy, to heal those deep wounds he had from his childhood. I don’t want to be pessimistic but he’s probably not ready to make all those changes. His behavior the past week sure hasn’t shown it. He’s been immersing himself in even more work loads than before which tells me he’s just waiting for me to break and come running back to him, telling him I miss him, etc.
I have seen and realized how unhealthy I’ve allowed our relationship to become. And this is the most disconnected we’ve ever been. I’m not sure my husband even realizes how serious I am about making some serious changes in our relationship.

I just want to be clear he did not slap me when I was pregnant. But he did try to snatch our one year old from my arms while I was 7 mo pregnant, successfully I must add since I had to let go, had I not my baby’s legs might’ve gotten bruised or broken. This is the single incident that I decided to involve the battered woman’s center, child protective services, and the authorities.

When I spoke with my brother the MFT last night. He said only I will decide what price I want my children to pay when I decide to leave. That really hit home!!
I don’t want my children to pay anymore of the price they have already paid.
I have been listening and holding on to every concerned word all the members here have expressed. I thank you all for your feedback.