Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

It does sound frustrating.

Sorry I ask too many questions. They don’t need to be answered, some of them just rhetorical or some are me trying to understand the dynamics So I don’t make useless comments. Some fights you have are over serious issues and some don’t appear to be about anything of importance. But intensity of the argument seems to be the same regardless.

It IS frustrating (with him) and thanks. No problem about your questions.

Yes, the intensity of the argument is always the same. It can be a little thing that makes all hell break loose.

I gave him his bday card and a gift bag that I thoughtfully put together for him. He barely thanked me and practically rolled his eyes when reading my card. I had bought him a far bigger gift two weeks ago for his bday. He is SO ungrateful. I found myself explaining that the gift bag is all I had given my budget. Now I’m lying in bed depressed and worn out by him and his bull crap.

I wish he would just leave and go to Florida to his parents like he threatened to do. I don’t want to live with this crap anymore. I really don’t want to be married anymore.

And If things blow up and he does leave everything to go to Florida, then I’m stuck with all the rent and his car lease for which I am financially responsible. In that case, I wonder if I could end the lease early and make him turn in the car. I must call the car company and a lawyer.

Where is he going to stay in Florida? Don’t they live like in a retirement home? He has no job there. He isn’t going anywhere.

Do talk to a lawyer though. He needs to take your name off the car lease. Having bankruptsy doesn’t prevent people from financing and leasing cars. You just pay higher interest. After his bankruptsy my husband could not open a credit card obviously, but he was never denied financing a car. Car is a necessity. He never had anyone to co-sign anything, he’d have no one to do that. Your husband has zero need to have you on his car lease.

He said he couldn’t lease a car without the co signer because his credit is so poor.

Yes I need to call the car lease company and a lawyer very soon.

He claims he can live with his parents. They do live in a retirement home. They have a spare bedroom. He’s said several times now that this is what he would do. He would move down there, get a new job and start over.

I was stupid to co sign. I gave into his demands and wishes that I do that for him. I regret it. I regret this whole relationship. Wish I had never met him in the first place.

I haven’t said much in a while because of some similarities.

You are a smart, professional. Why didn’t you think to ask the finance person if he could get the car without your co-signing? I know you are working with a therapist. There are many things like this that would be valuable for you to take a good, hard look at.

@TishaBuv, i understand.

But the issue over the car lease doesn’t matter now. What’s done is done. I felt pushed into it by him. You asking me this now only makes me feel MORE STUPID. It was a mistake that I cannot fix or change. So what’s the point of asking me such a question except to make me feel even worse about it???

Not to mention, he works in the automotive industry so I trusted that he needed a co signer, which is what he told me.

Please don’t make me feel worse.

I really screwed up my life with this one. I’ve been smart with my career and stupid with love and relationships.

I’m never getting involved ever again once this is all over.

I feel like dying right now. I wish I would just die.

Don't think for a moment that you were stupid. And I'm sure Tisha agrees with me.
He is your partner in life, so from my point of view, it's only a normal and desirable thing that you both made things easier one from the other.
In the end, you know, part of the consequences of a divorce's side effects will have to do with economical difficulties and changes but they are only this, material things. And you already showed you are a solvent and smart girl.

The other part is more important. It seems to me you have to work on communication, it can be do it but only if both parties feel it's worthy the effort.

I already got that you don't trust in he going with you to couple therapy sessions. You are the one who knows him better, so maybe the best idea is what you already are doing by going by yourself and treating the issue with the help of your therapist, I'm sure you will feel even more empowered than you are already until you find the best way out and be enough prepare for it in case of a separation.

A side note: I think, and I repeat, it's my only view of what it may happening. The best is to be strong and not mention anymore about divorce until it's the right moment. I dare to say that when he mention divorce or you mention it to him, he embracing this fact to playing the victim role and checking you. I have this impression. I think when he does really got lose and avoid are topics and decisions within the way to this extreme that is separation of divorce.

Not sure if I'm making sense for you, Hope.

Thank you.

I think I understand what you're saying.

But I don't even want to work on things with him. I am literally just trying to survive this relationship while I have to be in it. There's nothing to work on because I wish to end it and divorce him. I am trying to protect myself in the meantime, as much as possible.

And this morning once again, he flat out denied he has anger problems and refused therapy when I brought it up. He went back on his word that he gave me six weeks ago when he said he would go to therapy if he raised his voice at me again. And he did raise his voice again this morning in our fight. I knew he would go into denial again. And once again, he accused ME of having anger problems, and of this and that. All over again, I am the one at fault for everything, NOT HIM.

He's absolutely impossible. So you see, I have nothing to work with..... he makes it that way.

For good or bad I have been understanding you are already got enough. So know that we will be here to support you because it's a hard situation but you will do the right thing, I'm sure, and at your pace, self-respecting yourself.
So, I'm not gonna mention a possible work between you and him anymore unless you change your mind.

And.... I backed down from divorce RIGHT NOW and from him leaving the apartment to move to Florida immediately. I wish I had had more of a backbone, but he turned it all around on me to make me out to be an absolute evil b-i-t-c-h, breaking up with him and wanting a divorce on his birthday, of all days. He did call me the B word too. Swearing and words were thrown at each other this morning, from both directions. I backed down because I don't want him faulting on the car lease and sticking me with the full rent for our apartment. I cannot afford the full rent PLUS his lease if he leaves. This was not my plan, to have a sudden breakup and exit.

And he WAS going to leave and leave me to deal with ALL of HIS belongings???? Just ditch me and leave me high and dry financially and with his crap all in the apartment????? Some kind of character he has. He has NONE. NO character whatsoever. I have lost all respect for him, and I think I lost respect for him a long time ago. He has NO problem screwing me over financially IF I divorce him. NO problem at all. He has NO conscience.

I am sick to my stomach. He makes me ill.

Thank you.

Yeah, there is absolutely NO way I want to stay in this relationship. No way.

When was the lease signed? Right after you met or recently? Were you already married? If he is paying lease in full, he would continue paying as he still needs the car. I doubt he stops paying all of a sudden, he’ll lose the car, it’s not in his interests. I hope you aren’t helping to pay for it

He said you are a b...? That’s so not cool

His belongings could be pitched.

It was signed a year ago and several months after we married. If he doesn’t have the money to pay the lease, I’m responsible for it. I’m calling lease office on Monday. If he leaves maybe I can force him to turn in the car early.

Lol. That’s what I was thinking!

And yes soooo not cool that he called me a B.

The admin of the Facebook group wrote to my husband saying it’s about time! Meaning about time I joined their group. So why have I been excluded for over a year????? WHY didn’t my husband want me to join or why he never invited me to join???? Wtf is that about??

I didn’t mention it to say you are stupid. I said you are NOT stupid. Whether or not this marriage ends now, later, or doesn’t, I said there are many things to dig deep into with your therapist about this whole thing.

It might be helpful to print out these threads and highlight the parts you want to discuss. Some things may be a pattern for ways you have handled things before in your life and choices you have made that turned out to be bad for you.

Tisha, everything has been bad for me. I haven't had a healthy relationship in years. I keep attracting the same toxic types of people.. either abusers or narcissists or both. I don't trust myself to not attract these types in the future, therefore, I am done with all relationships after this. I have been in therapy ALL of my adult life!!!! We're talking on and off for 30 years. And NO ONE has been able to help me to date!!!! NO ONE. Therapists SUCK. They are of NO help to me. So screw it. I am royally f-ed up and cannot change the pattern, clearly.

And I though I was getting better at it before I met my husband. But apparently not.