Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

Thanks for the words of advice, guy... I appreciate it.

I am very up and down right now. It is just the nature of things at the moment.

One day I feel fine and OK, and the next, I am down in the dumps about everything.

I don't know about pushing therapy right now. I just do not know. Our agreement was that we would go to therapy IF he loses his temper on me again. I feel like I have to stick to that plan and stick to my word on that. If I backtrack, it will muddy things and will force me to verbalize to him the issues I have in our marriage, and I am not ready to face that yet with him. I am just not ready.

I need time. I am processing everything happening in my mind and on my own, and I have new thoughts and emotions every single day.

Could you move to a county next over? I understand that living in higher cost of living area eats at your finances. My area isn’t that high cost but I always had to live in expensive cities because of my daughter’s school. If you aren’t tied to best schools could you move a bit further?

I moved a lot and it never cost me 5k. Why is it going to cost you so much? It’s just moving one apartment to another. You pack your stuff and pay movers to move heavy items and no way it costs 5k.

There are many single people out there. I was single most of my life and never ever had a roommate and never lived with my parents beyond age 19. And I am not and never made that much money, my job doesn’t pay that much. I am hard to live with and I’d not tolerate roommates. At times I took second jobs. It wasn’t always easy but you can manage especially with nice salary. If you make nice money you should be ok. I am not saying you should be on your own and get divorced but financial reason is usually wrong reason to be married. I know a lot of single people. Most my girlfriends are single and several have never been married and they never ever had a roommate beyond maybe in their 20s. Who wants roommates at 50.

I am just not grasping something I guess. How did you live before you met him?

Because here where I live, apartment owners require first month's rent, last month's rent plus full security deposit which equals one month's rent. So that's THREE months rent UPFRONT required. PLUS moving expense.. I would be required to hire a mover due to large furniture and the amount of furniture. So all of that combined equals about 5K! OR MORE! It's insane! And rarely does one find an apartment that does not require all of these upfront costs... usually, those places are shacks and dumps.

I have always been independent, aside from the time period where I had to live with my parents. Prior to a certain age, I lived with roommates. Then I lived on my own for about 15 years or more.

You have to understand that I live in one of the TOP most expensive cities in the entire country.

And no , I need to be close to my work, or within a reasonable driving distance. I also need to be close enough to my social life.

I give up. I'm just going to go with the flow of things. That's where I'm at.

However, once again, I am getting myself into a tailspin over his dark haired, dark eyes women comment long ago. He said at one point that he prefers dark haired women with dark eyes. I have light brown/dirty blonde hair, with blonde highlights and dark eyes. I am not "dark haired". EVER SINCE THEN, I have felt SO insecure about his attraction level to me, fearing that he is MORE attracted to other female types with darker hair than mine.

I hate that he said that to me. WHY would he say that to me, is my question, when he knows I do NOT have dark hair????????? I feel like he wanted me to feel insecure and "less than" what he truly desires. WHY else say something like that to me???? Who the hell says this kind of thing?

This issue creeps up now and again for me, and it has again just now. And I'm working myself up into being upset about it, all over again.

I am never going to get over this. I am never going to feel comfortable because he said this. I feel like this is yet another reason to freaking divorce him.

What would you think of discussing his comment with him?

I have many many times. He claims that he thinks of me as dark haired, which I find really really hard to believe. Then he tries to tell me that he loves me and only me.

The damage is already done though. He never should have said that to me, and I really wish I had responded back with "well my preference is dark hair and blue eyes" (when he has dark hair and brown eyes), and that means you'll never measure up to my ideal. Which is exactly how he's made me feel.

Does he tend to say things without thinking? Some people run their mouth so to speak and it doesn’t mean anything.

Otherwise this is just immature and superficial. But honestly it might not be very uncommon. It is maybe done to make a woman feel unsettled and unsure of herself. I’ve met guys who did that, mostly in younger age

Once many years ago I think I was like 19 I’ve met this guy at someone’s wedding, we weren’t even dating although he kept asking me out. He said he didn’t like my name because it’s too common (it’s a common popular name in the area I am from) and he prefers exotic names and he had an example of a name Eleanor or something. Somehow I found it so funny I left so hard I couldn’t stop. He didn’t understand why I declined his romantic advances after that. My best friend and I joked about it for years calling each other Eleanor.

I once had a guy saying he doesn’t like short girls. Well I am short. Lol

One time one guy in high school who claimed to like me said he prefers girls with long necks (mine is average). What the...when I asked why would he say that he said he wanted me to feel jealous that he might like other girls. Lol Like I cared.

I hope your husband is just the type to blurt things out, not deliberately make you feel unsettled

If he told you he prefers women with different color hair, what do you think he was trying to tell you? He married you, so he obviously is into you.

You think he was trying to make you feel insecure, but when you confront him, he says he thought you had dark hair (so he was saying he liked you and your type). Was he demeaning and then gaslighting you? Is it possible he thought your hair was dark? (Men sometimes aren’t that astute about hair).

I’ve had guys who were not interested in me tell me they like other women or types of women. I had one Hispanic man I dated ask me to darken my hair because he preferred that type and he was very interested in me.

I have no conclusion I can draw from your situation on this. You feel so belittled, but he married you, so I’m not sure what he meant.

Could it be that it was his way of saying he liked you to dye your hair. Could it be that he prefers YOU having darker hair rather than liking some other dark haired women out there.

I know my husband likes when my hair is longer. He keeps his mouth shut when I cut it but I know what he prefers.

I don’t like when my husband doesn’t shave. I can’t stand unshaven look on men. I like it when he is shaved. It doesn’t mean I salivate over clean shaved men on the streets. In general I just don’t like facial hair and prefer when my husband doesn’t sport five o’clock shadow so he makes an effort most of the time

@divine1966, perhaps, but it's the fact that it was even said to begin with and the repercussions that statement has had on me, which have been severe.

@TishaBuv, he doesn't say he thought I had dark hair, he says he considers me to have dark hair, when I really do not. I mean, in some pics, my hair looks blonde! Because I dye it... other times, it looks darker. My natural color is light brown/dirty blonde.

And he is VERY astute to details, especially about a woman's looks, I've noticed. I think he was into me to begin with, but I do wonder if I got a "snow job" in order to get me to marry him.

Yes, he married me, but clearly I am not his ideal woman based on that comment. Then again, he's told me several times that I was/am his "dream woman" and that I was/am the "most beautiful woman" he's ever seen. Was this all just a snow job though so he could lock me in?

These are the thoughts I have, and it makes me insane.

I am starting to turn a corner on the notion of suggesting therapy BEFORE the next blowup happens. I may need to address these issues sooner than later to help me decide if I am staying or going. Screw money. I will figure it out. I don't want that to hold me back. I really don't, even though it may not even be realistic.

I just know that these issues are all building up inside of me, and it's getting very hard to contain it all.

Honestly some things need to be left unsaid. It’s ok to have general preference. It’s not something one needs to announce especially when it comes to looks. Unless it’s done to deliberately hurt a person it’s possible he is clueless about his words and behaviors. He might lack finesse in behavior and human interactions. He needs some adjustment

Agreed. But I never said to him, oh yeah, you're great and all, but I prefer something DIFFERENT than what you have to offer!!!!!!

Who the hell says this??

The damage is that every single movie with a dark haired, dark eyed female beauty in it, I avoid when we're together. I think every single time, oh that's what he would prefer!

This has been SO damaging to my self esteem that I want to fight back, get thin and hot again, and have men GAWKING at me again so that HE feels insecure and helpless against it!!!!!!!

One guy over a year ago said to me (while my husband was around), "you're so hot.. can I just touch you?" That's when I WAS hot and not chubby like I am now, not feeling hot or sexy whatsoever. That really bothered my husband, and I want HIM to feel JUST AS INSECURE AS I AM FEELING.

I know this is not healthy thinking, but it's what I am thinking! I want to get even.

Without showing my face, does this hair look dark to people?
To me, light brown/dirty blonde.

https://www.screencast.com/t/xHvlxVviv1vZ

That's my color.

I agree, it was unwise and uncouth for him to say. I have marital issues about other things, but my husband never picked apart or compared my looks. He said he thought I was perfect for him, loves the way I look, and that’s it. He’ll even say I look great when I know I really don’t (and so does he).

You’re going back in your memory now, re-evaluating everything because you’re weighing your options due to the recent issues you are dealing with.

Just do what makes you happy. You really don’t owe anyone anything.

I just had an event from 6 years ago come up and, now that I see it through different eyes, my husband’s behavior in it makes me really mad. So I had it out with him about it yesterday. It really didn’t solve anything. He said “sorry”. What good did my anger and confrontation do me? I guess I’m saying you may as well just save your breath as it’s pointless. And as time goes on and more situations add up, well, I’ve just had to keep on taking it because I chose to stay.

I know you prefer yourself thinner but 140b isn’t chubby. You make it sound like women can’t be hot if they are over certain weight. “When I was hot and not chubby” implies that when you are chubbier (which by the way 140 isn’t chubby) you can’t be possibly hot. Why do you have such views?

I don’t think a guy who says he wants to touch you did it because you are hot (and you are of course) but because he is kind of trash. No decent people act this way no matter how hot a woman looks.

Let’s face it no one is going to look hot forever. We all age. Do you see yourself with your husband in old age when all the hotness is gone? Focus on a deep bond that will sustain you till the end. Is there enough bond there?

Very uncouth. Thank you.

I will do what makes me happiest. For certain. Because ultimately, I believe in being happy in life, including with your. spouse.

I am not going to let this one rest though. IF we get to therapy, I am bringing it up for sure. It's a sore point, I have not let it go, it eats away at me, and it caused endless damage. I cannot just suck it up and forget about it.

And I will not just keep taking it. If it is a matter of me taking it from him, I will leave and will choose happiness over taking it.

Lol. In that photo, it looks dark with blonde tips.

Well it looks way darker than mine and I am dark blonde. It looks like you have bleached tips and your hair is pretty dark on the top of your head

I get my eating disordered mind from my mother. Don't forget, I have an eating disorder and so my thinking may also be disordered when it comes to weight and thinness. My mother was always wanting to be skinny and dieting, our whole lives. She was so focused on dieting and ate poorly and did emotional eating, that I gained an eating disorder and a disordered way of viewing both food and my own body. So to me, I am fat and not sexy because I am heavier. My sister grew to be anorexic as a result of our mother.

And yes and no -- do I see myself with my husband when we're old and gray. I see both ways.

And yes, that dude was disgusting for what he said to me. My point was that it bugged my husband, and ever since then, he's been trying to get me fat.

Yes in that photo it looks darker with blonde tips and/or streaks.

In this photo, it looks far blonder, the way I looked when I met him:
https://www.screencast.com/t/j82GhCfA

And here's what it pretty much looks like now:
https://www.screencast.com/t/trnP1A3QG816

I just do not see how in the world he can say my hair color is DARK.

Oh I see that I wouldn’t call dark

Exactly.

I'm thinking this may be more of the issue. Ya, what he said was pointless, for sure. If it was a one-off comment, I think it's extreme to go to the lengths you have with it. It's deep rooted within you and these insecurities have little to do with his comment. Maybe talking to a therapist about it first would be helpful, before attempting to bring it up during couples counseling..?

Having said that, if there are other related issues around it then it's an indirect putdown to purposely make you feel insecure. What's he like around other women? Does he comment about them.. in passing, while watching TV, etc? Does he check out other dark haired women in front of you?

I think there needs to be a pattern in his behaviours before making the assumption that he's sabotaging your self-esteem since "HE'S" insecure.. particularly if you're wanting to seek "revenge".

You're wrong. There is a pattern of behavior - mean jokes disguised as "playful" put downs, which I've already explained. It's not just me being insecure. I really don't like how you turn his wrongdoing around to be something about me or to be some issue of mine. That's very similar to victim blaming. I DO have some insecurities already, but his comment made sure that I always feel insecure about my hair color.

Yes, I do believe that he said it deliberately to make me feel insecure because he is insecure himself.