People who cling to their child and their relationships

Since you are interested in psychology and 'what makes people tick' you might find these terms worth researching:
Covert or emotional incest
and maternal enmeshment

Here is an interesting article you might want to read. It has additional titles for more reading.

SAGE Journals: Your gateway to world-class journal research

Why are you all so concerned about my concern?
I already said I want to understand this type of personality. It's an unhealthy behavior, I see it happening in front of me, and I want to understand it.
I wasn't making a big deal. But the judgmental reaction from people made me react to each comment.

Saying her behavior is normal and I need help it's...can't even find a word. Really?

I come to a psychology forum and ask if anyone can give me theories based on the behaviors described so I can study more on this, and lots of people come to the post to say I'm making a big thing, poor woman she's just a loving mother, I'm crazy and mean.

Please...
I read a lot of posts here and when I don't know or have an answer I skip. If I can't help the person with what he/she asked I skip. I don't comment to say what I think of the poster...

Which is ironic that everyone said "we can't diagnose based on this", but tried to diagnose me based on my post.

This is a peer support forum, first of all, and not a professional psychology forum. No one here is a professional psychologist and cannot properly answer your question without credentials. And no, we are not allowed to diagnose. We are here to support each other in our struggles with mental health issues. That's all.

You said it's a family member, which you did not state initially. That is why everyone was asking the question: why does this matter to you so much? Now it makes a bit more sense.

Thank you.

Yes, this makes sense too. It focus a bit more on the consequences for the child, which I already have read about, but it helps to understand the mindset of the mother and also points to the dysfunctional parents she has. Her mother looks like the opposite of her. Narcissist. I think she crosses the line with her daughter's boyfriend. Way too much compliments on his looks, which sounds inappropriate. I think they see him as a "catch". Someone they (mother, yes, and daughter) never thought they could have. So, while the daughter seems super insecure and clings on to him and makes her relationship the biggest achievement of her life, her mother seems to think he's also her imagined boyfriend. So clearly this is a nest of dysfunctions.

Though I think the anxious attachment explains better her mindset. A narcissist mother who didn't give her the attention she needed as a child and now she became extremely needy. Also not being pretty (I know shocking) and not looking better when her boyfriend is easy going and has lots of pretty friends make her more desperate.

She does seem extremely insecure.

I understand, but it's called "psych" not "7 cups"
and in other posts I made some people offered me articles to read.

So there are people here that can give me articles for what I'm looking for.

And the fact is that you and others gave me the type of answers I was looking for: what type of personality displays this pattern of behavior and what kind of damage this does to those around them. Insecurity, yes, anxious attachment, yes, enmeshment, yes. How damaging it is? I now have a starting base to look for.

"But is she your family? Why do you care? Who are you?".

Who cares? It's a general question about behaviors. She could be my mother, my daughter, my sister, my neighbor, cousin, aunt, it's irrelevant.
thank you

I see. Well, at least you got the information you needed and were looking for.

One point to make is that it IS relevant who this person is in relationship to you, in order for people to try and help in their own individual ways. People were just trying to understand the problem so that they could help.

OP, if you aren't talking about yourself, then it's none of your business. You don't need to know everything about other people nor do you need to diagnose them.

Hey @walkingby

Quote:

Originally Posted by walkingby Context: she's not at all pretty and she met a guy in her 40s. Within 2 years dating him she had a kid. The guy is far more "cool" than she is. And she looks much older than him, though she's not.

What does this context have to do with what you are talking about... I dont understand.

Do you have kids @Walking by? How does her relationship with her son compare to a relationship you have with your child/children?

Well...then if you're not talking about yourself then it's none of your business. No one needs to "diagnose". Read the rest of my comments to your judgemental comments.


If you don't have anything useful to add to the post, don't bother reading it. What brought you here?

I asked for more information because I am not a professional, will not try to diagnose (also that’s against PC policy), and thought I could help by discussing behaviors and perception.

We’re just a peer support group. I have been diagnosed with ‘attachment issues’, which you mentioned. I am not a clingy mom and have done a great job. I also don’t post any photos on social media trying to show off my perceivably happy life...in fact, I hate social media.

You may be right that she is not behaving in a healthy way. If so, I hope you are an ally who will be helpful to the situation.

If your concern is about safety of a child then maybe you can bring it up with her. Typically people make their social media and pictures accessible only to their friends/family/followers. Not for 500 total strangers .

Some people don’t realize though that their accounts are accessible by strangers and some do have too many so called Facebook friends, who really are strangers. If she is a family member and you two are close enough for you to be concerned about her family life, it would be ok for you to bring it up that strangers could see her kids pictures

As about her boyfriend, he is an adult. His safety isn’t in jeopardy and he could let her know he doesn’t want his pictures on social media. If he isn’t addressing it, then it means he is ok with it. I’d not worry about their relationship. They are adults.

If her social media annoys you (and I totally get it, some people post such nonsense or get into drama on social media and it’s annoying), it might be a good idea not to look on her social media. That’s what I do. I don’t look if posts are pointless or aggravating (political messages etc)

I also think that since this couple is in their 50s (if she had a kid in her 40s) it’s very unlikely that they worry about things like him being cool and popular and getting cute girls or her not being as pretty as other girls. They aren’t in high school and likely aren’t concerned with stuff. They are middle aged and way past the superficial teenage stuff. I am 54 and I don’t care who is cool or popular. I care about my looks but in regards to looking decent and presenting myself nice, not to the point of comparing myself with others.

Every couple conducts their relationship differently. Maybe you don’t post as much about your partner or your kids but this woman does. That’s how their family runs.

If you are concerned for a well being of a child and you are close family, ask to hang out or visit their house and hang out with their child. It could be good for the child and it might be good for you to see what’s what. Maybe things aren’t bad or abnormal in their family if you see them more in their own habitat. Or maybe they are total loons, but you can’t do much about it

Good luck with this

My sister in law posts a lot of pics of her husband and their two kids. But they are a great family, not fake or show offs. But we know that because we spend a lot of time with them. Sometimes things aren’t what they seem. Is it possible for you hang out with this family (just her, her partner and their child not a large crowd) so you can get to know them more on intimate level? Sometimes you might see things you wouldn’t see otherwise. It might not be what it seems and you might not have to worry about them, they might be fine .

Her account is public. She has almost 500 followers + any stranger can see it.

No, I'm not concerned about her. She's an adult. I'm trying to understand what kind of person she is and what kind of toxicity this type of people can bring to others who relate to her.

It IS NOT a diagnose. "Diagnose" is done to a particular person and complete context. These are patterns of behavior that can be consistent with certain already studied issues. As is.
The kid is not in an unsafe environment. It's just not going to grow up a balanced child. Right now he's a spoiled brat. As you can imagine what will happen to a man who lived all his childhood pleasing his mother's insecurities. Mommy wants to match costumes. Let's go. Forget about matching outfits with is own partner or have ideas for costumes of his own. No, no, no. Mommy had this idea that's going to look so cool on insta.


Thank you. I have my answers now. Anxious attachment, enmeshment and insecurity. I'll research on my own now.

Yes, maybe when she's alone with them she's more balanced and secure.

Not all guys want what you may deem "pretty" for a partner. And what one person considers pretty or attractive, another person may not have the same opinion. For example, it is thought that Julia Roberts is VERY attractive, yet you would be surprised to learn that many men think she is actually ugly and call her "horse face".

Also, not all men want some flashy female partner either. Often a man finds a down to earth plainer, no make up, no flashy clothes type woman more attractive. There could be something about this woman that her boyfriend/partner finds irresistable that you would NEVER even consider. My grandmother was no real beauty and just petite and average, and she snagged a man that no one thought she would get and I found out that my grandfather was CRAZY about her pretty ankles. That was the main "it" thing for him.

Actually, I have seen lots of very handsome men with women who are very earthy and plain and not the hollywood ideal of what to consider the "ideal beautiful woman". Also, perhaps this woman IS a genuinely nice person, and her SO loves that about her. People can be attractive and VERY shallow and self absorbed in a way that really isn't long term relationship material.

Honestly? After a while even a very attractive person can get BORING if they have no depth to them. Someone that has more to them, like being able to sit and have a deep conversation with about life, and so many "interesting" things that makes spending time with them so much more rewarding can have more beauty that's so much more fulfilling.

Now, I can respect your desire to want to understand what "behaviors" mean when you see someone that stands out to you, that is "different" in some way. It is that desire to want to understand different behaviors that went into the study of human behaviors where we actually began to label certain behavior patterns in people. People do tend to like to define things, even label them as a way to learn how to deal and react to certain individuals to self protect and better understand in some way.

Actually, it's very possible you developed this interest because you saw behaviors in your parents that affected you in some unhealthy ways, so you want to finally understand WHY your parents engage in these behaviors. Your mother is a very unhappy woman, struggles just to function, and your father has really never been faithful and has been more interested in self satisfying and is perhaps narcissistic. And you are eager to distance from them but you have mentioned how the boyfriend you have can actually be mean to you and treat you badly. Yet, you are still with him? Well, you are probably at a point in your life where you are observing other people and comparing how they behave to what you have experienced. Could be that subconsciously, you don't want to end up like your mother. Well, your mother's generation tended to stay married and lived by a very different lifestyle than what is taking place now.

This woman that stands out to you so much may not be as insecure as you may think. Maybe she doesn't care for the kind of people she encounters at certain gatherings. It's also possible that her child has challenges that you don't even know about. I have a business that puts me in many different groups of families. I have met mothers of children that do have challenges and they are very particular about the kind of children they are comfortable having their child interact with. I have done many gatherings where the children all had challenges with being on the autism spectrum for example, and these mothers spend much more time with these children and do tend to be careful about the children they expose their child to. Also, having a child with challenges can increase in women who decide to have a child when they are older.

Truth is, there are often many variables that you can't see just by someone's posting on a social site. You are observing from a bit of a distance and you don't really know this woman personally. For myself, I have met SO MANY families over the years that once I have learned "more" about certain families, a lot more makes sense.

Hey @walkingby, do you have kids?

In what way is she unbalanced? You didn’t described any unbalanced behaviors. It’s hard to tell about her being secure or not either. She might be an overprotective parent but I don’t see anything insecure in her behaviors. On the other hand she might be uncomfortable in a certain group of people and might prefer to keep her distance. That happens

My cousin has three children, one of which has anxiety issues. He doesn’t look any different than others but there are some struggles. At parties either father or mother sit by him. It’s not because they are insecure or a show off, it’s because as parents they know what needs to be done.

That’s why I suggested you spend time with them to understand if there is abnormality or not. It could put your mind at ease.

Also it’s important to accept that people conduct their romantic relationships and family life in their own manner. Some people are more attached to their partners and some need more space and some are more involved parents and some aren’t as much. Neither way is abnormal (Minus abuse of course), just different.

We all build our family and romantic life the way we see fit or how we were brought up. You possibly conduct your romantic and family life differently and it’s ok. Maybe you like to share more on social media about your social life or hobbies etc and less about your partner and children. But this woman doesn’t to share stuff other than about her family. It’s not abnormal. Just different

Also beauty is in the eyes of beholder. It’s subjective. Clearly this man finds her appealing enough to have a child together and spend 11 plus years with her. You said she is a kind person and it says a lot. Looks fade. We get old. Kindness stays.

I know not all guys want pretty faces and beauty is (to some extent) subjective. That's something you could tell her. Not me. Yes, everyone can be horrible despite the face. I don't even understand why all of you think is such an offense to mention that a person that displays insecurity (yes, 11 years exaggerating a bond that should be just the normal bond any kid has with their parents is unhealthy, but apparently 99% of the people who for some reason decided to comment on this post - I guess something in the title triggered you - can't see how unhealthy it is) can also see herself in disadvantage with other girls, therefore explaining some part of the insecurity. It would be simple to say: no, everyone perceives themselves as beautiful so that is never a reason for anyone to feel insecure. Sure. Unfortunately it's not true.

Thank you for your time to read my other posts and trying to elaborate a (what you like to call) "diagnose". I'm fine with your interpretation.

I agree. I've been seeing how my parents really are now that I'm an adult with some knowledge in psychology and yes, they seem to be narcissists. My father is verbally abusive, he was raised by what I found out to be a very narcissist (abused and mistreated) mother. My mother on the other hand can be either narcissist or almost borderline, since the pattern of behaviors she has been showing more and more lately may point to that, and are consistent with how she behaved since I know her. And now I can see how insecure and manipulative she is. And yes, my boyfriend is almost a sociopath. He's better now, because thanks to my research in narcissism, psychopathy and abusive men and relationships I managed to learn how to deal with him and make him more controlled and feel safe. But some things won't change. But since I have such parents, whose behaviors are now more evident to me, that may well be the reason why I choose sociopaths and narcissists.

But these traits are not the reason why I like psychology. I always had an interest on human behavior because I'm a social creature, smart and observant. That's something that my parents encouraged. Free thinking, seeing all the angles, and trying to put myself in others shoes. (therefore, I need to understand them).

About the woman in question. Yes, she is extremely insecure to a point that is unhealthy. Thankfully psychology has been studying these behaviors so people like me can understand where we live.

In the middle of all these triggered comments I got my answers from balanced people: Insecurity, enmeshment and anxious attachment. Seems to fit.

(I really don't understand what ticked you so much, maybe you relate with her unhealthiness somehow or you believe that anyone who has kids is allowed to be however they want. Except when anyone complains about their mothers - you know, it's a psychforum: I bet there are hundreds of people here asking for help on how to deal or cope with abusive or clingy parents - now I'm sure you're all there commenting "she loves you, so what? leave your mother alone").

Why? Because you think anyone with kids should act like that? Clinging 11 years on a child and expose them (publicly) to get the validation of your self worth?

Do you consider your relationship with your boyfriend more balanced and healthy than this lady’s relationship with her boyfriend? What’s your comparison if I may ask? It seems that something about this woman’s relationship with her boyfriend is triggering for you. Would you consider she’d be better off having her relationship be more similar to yours (if yours is different)? Or should it be modeled more on some other relationships you observed?

It’s possible that she wants to know if you perhaps have different parenting style and it is working better for you and your kids (provided that this child doesn’t have additional unique issues that you might not know about). It could be that we get used to the way we parent and other parenting styles appear to be strange.

Yes, you're right. It's her relationship with the boyfriend that is triggering me. That's exactly what I've been saying. I've never mentioned the unhealthy way she uses the kid. Nope. It's about her relationship with the boyfriend. That's it. I'm glad you can "diagnose" me.

Hey @walkingby I was asking about you having kids because I was curious as to what you thought might be different between how you parent and how this person parents. When you say she is clingy with her son can you share an example? I know you did when you first posted but I truly want to understand better what you mean- not judge you.