People who cling to their child and their relationships

Ok. I already shared the examples: she is ALWAYS holding the kid during family gatherings, walks etc for 11 years. And constantly making him her pair. Halloween? Matching costumes, Christmas? Matching costumes. Matching outfits for pictures. And constantly posting pictures of the kid (publicly) even when the child is doing normal stuff on his own (playing, homework, walking...) with some sort of sentence about HER. How he needed her, how he talked to her, how he and her something.

The kid is a tool. She likes him? Sure. She should like him? Sure. But this goes beyond that. To a point that is way too obvious.


I think none of you understand what 11 years of a constant behavior means. I'm not saying she posts some pictures here and there for her friends to see, I'm not saying she was very protective when the kid was a baby...or overposted pictures of the child and herself with the baby in the beginning (I understand people get enthusiastic with the thrill and novelty. But then life goes on. Everyone grows out of it. She didn't. and she's an adult. So by now she should let the kid breathe for himself the vast majority of the time. The umbilical cord has healed. It's 11 years - the whole kid's life! - showing him as a tool to show herself as his bestie. Even when he's not "with" her.

And this is public (for those who think it's a private account). Meshing their names in a joint account.


It's not a one thing here or there.


It's a recurring, frequent constant thing, that's going on for a decade, and it's not about the kid, it's about her need to be loved and validated by others. That I don't have a doubt. It's so obvious (and I'm not a stupid person - I studied children's and developmental psychology and educational sociology in university. I know what is normal behavior and balanced parenting)


I wouldn't be asking "WHAT TYPE OF PERSONALITY" does this (not to diagnose a particular person - it's irrelevant to me if it's her or another random creature. It could be anyone else I'd see displaying this behavior - as actually I stated right in the beginning of my post: "I've seen other people doing similar things"). if I didn't see so clearly that this is not about love, it's about her need to be validated.


My question was: what type of personality does this (what are the theories/labels for this specific type of insecurity) so I can understand how these type of people function and how others can function with her.

99% of the people who for some freaking reason read the title wrote/reacted with judgemental crap.

I find amazing that 99% are here to help anyone on this forum with such a narrow mind.

"Who told you man only like pretty women?" "You're looking for names to spit at her!" "your parents are narcissists", "you this and that".
And my favorite? "We can't diagnose people based on a post, it's against the rules, you're asking because you are this and that and you think this and that probably because you're jealous, and you are this ant that (diagnosing me)"...
What a joke.

I have the LABELS I was looking for: anxious attachment. Enmeshment. Insecure. Those are things and yes, psychology seems to agree that NO! This is not healthy parenting and typically extremely insecure people does it.

And no. I'm not worried with the safety of the child. I'm not calling the social services and I'm not going to "visit" them to see how they live.

It's a question about psychology research on certain types of (UNHEALTHY) behaviors not about an individual.

Not diagnosing at all. I did address your parenting concerns in other posts. But you mentioned that her relationship with her boyfriend is a concern as well (Her showing it off and being insecure he is better looking and her feeling unwanted by him and her always posting their pictures together in abnormal fashion ) so I asked these questions to clarify how you conduct your own relationship and if you have a better healthier model in mind.

Quote: “I'm not saying she was very protective when the kid was a baby...or overposted pictures of the child and herself with the baby in the beginning (I understand people get enthusiastic with the thrill and novelty. But then life goes on. Everyone grows out of it”

Actually no one grows out of being a parent. Sure novelty of a new laptop wears off but not novelty of a child. People love their children all the same when they are newborn infant or they are 32. We don’t grow out of it.

Yes, she also uses her relationship with him to validate herself. But the kid is the main tool to validate her self worth that she clearly doesn't see she can have independently of others.

The fact that her face and body do not correspond to the features people perceive has more beauty while her boyfriend is surrounded by women who do display them may contribute to the insecurity.
I thought people on this forum could use that to understand the personality but no, you all just feel shocked that some people can call someone not pretty.


And divine...you read the title of this post "people who cling to their child and their relationships" and your comments are you defending that people who do that are normal. They're not.

Sure some people are not good looking. But I just don’t see an importance of it. Clearly she looks good enough to him to stay together for years and raise a child. Unless she told you she is insecure about her looks you can’t just assume she is. Not everyone is insecure that their partners look better. It’s not important for many people especially not after years together. As about her clinging on to their relationship I don’t see it as a problem for other people. It’s between them two. If it’s a problem for her boyfriend he’ll address it, other people shouldn’t really care. Everybody’s relationship is different

It’s hard to tell about this child and moms attachment without knowing more. She might be overprotective parent. I suggested to spend more time whth her and her child to get to know them better and maybe getting better understanding of what’s going on. Just seeing what she posts on social media and observing her and the kid at the parties might not be enough to say if it’s normal or not. How well do you know them?

Get to know her and her family better if it’s concerning to you.

I don't see Divine defending that position at all. I see that she is simply reflecting things back to you that you've said and is asking questions for clarification. I think what was said (at one point in the thread) was that posting pictures of your boyfriend/partner on social media by itself is not abnormal. But from your perspective, you're saying she is using social media, her child and her relationship to bolster her self esteem, which is totally different.

Only you know this woman and witness her behaviors in person. Only you see her social media posts. None of us do. We can only go on what has been stated. But it seems that you've gotten what you needed and wanted from this thread. It seems you've come to some conclusions that have been helpful to you.

I don’t think you should visit them to check if the child is ok.

I meant visit them or invite them over or go places with them to get to know them better.

People who don’t know my cousins kids well wouldn’t understand why one of them always sits by the parent at big parties. But we know why because we know them well. If you don’t know them well, I suggest you try to get to know them better

You also mentioned that they might behave normal in their own small family. That's important point

When you observe them you might come to a conclusion that she isn’t comfortable at large parties or her kid isn’t but there are ok in other settings. Could be she is anxious or the kid is (not because she is not good looking, lots of good looking people are anxious at parties). If you get to know her better you might have a better answer about some of the concerning behaviors

@walkingby, people can only go on what you tell us on here. More and more details have come out throughout the thread, in response to people's questions. Don't knock the entire community here for simply trying to understand what you're presenting. People here all mean well, and are simply trying to be helpful. And yes, sometimes that involves giving constructive feedback, based on what you're telling us. You wrote a whole lot more of the details in your post to sarahsweets just now.

I don’t see anyone having a narrow mind at all. Actually the opposite. Everyone’s trying to see the situation from different angles and explore different possibilities. Narrow mindness would be immediately making a conclusion without even knowing enough or considering other options.

How do you know she is using her relationship with her boyfriend to validate herself?

I wonder if she ever shared with you how is their relationship really working on the inside, do you have evidence that she is insecure rather than just being content? Otherwise she might be just very happy in her relationship and she might be the type to show it, some people are more demonstrative about their relationships and some are more private. Some people really like to scream to the world about their happiness re child and a good partner. It’s not abnormal either way. Just how some people are. Sure it could get annoying if they stop you on the street and want to blab about their family or force you to look at pics. Sure I could see it’s annoying. Not necessarily abnormal, but if she just posts on social media and clings to her family at parties it’s pretty easy to ignore.

How much did she share with you about her relationship with her boyfriend? Is it possible they simply are having a good life and she likes to share? If you observed him being abusive but then she posted loving pictures, it would be concerning. Otherwise her oversharing isn’t abnormal, her posting or tagging or otherwise sharing about her partner. Not my style but I don’t think it’s wrong of others to do it

That's a good point. I have several friends who are married couples and who shout their love out from the rooftops on Facebook constantly. They're frequently posting pics of the one they love, announcing their love for them and are simply just happy and wish to share that with the world. It's not MY style, but it's their style and that is great if they're happy.

Right, some people are more private and some really embraced social media in sharing everything. It is what it is. I don’t think it’s abnormal. If I didn’t stop my husband he’d posting my pictures or something about us daily. He isn’t using me to validate himself lol he is just more demonstrative than me in public.

If this lady’s boyfriend doesn’t object to it, then it’s all good. Even with her parenting style, as a father if he finds it Inappropriate he could address it. He might think it’s fine and might even find it healthy. Some people are very close to their children. There are no rules how much is too much. Also kids grow up so fast. They need that time with their parents.

And they remember how much time parents spend with them and how many things they did. He might make fun of his mom with her matching costumes when he grows up. But that’s ok. It could be endearing memory of him growing up with his goofy mother lol

Yes, all of that, plus people will post the most mundane things about their lives constantly: what they are eating that moment, what they are reading, or what they are doing and thinking in that moment. People post all sorts of things. I mean, yes, Facebook is also a source of validation for many people who want to feel validated in life, too. Sure, that aspect of social media certainly exists for sure, and many people get a boost from how many likes they've gotten, shares, and comments, or by how many friends they have on Facebook, So, it can be a source of validation too. But it's not necessarily the case in every case and not for every person. Everyone has their own personal approach and needs around social media. Some are more private and others, far more demonstrative and extroverted.

What they are eating 😂that’s my favorite. Unless you share a special recipe like people ask you for recipes, I don’t care what you eat 😂

Ha! I know! I admit I have posted food pics when I've been out, but only for a special celebratory meal, or perhaps a delicious Sunday brunch with bloody mary's involved. Sometimes my husband does restaurant "check ins" with photos of us, and that's fine by me too. But there are some who constantly post what they're eating and/or doing... like all day long. I figure those people must not be busy with work and have far too much time on their hands.

I agree with divine, no one responding to you is being narrow minded. Especially posters who are mothers themselves. And she is right, there are mothers who love their child and CARE about their child no matter how old their child is, even when their child is an adult.

However, there are mothers who never really bond with their child, mothers who are too self absorbed and quite frankly, they are not really good mother material. Instead it was just something they did next and did not really have that true longing to be a real mother. Oh, I've seen that type of parent and when that happens the child really suffers. I saw that in a traumatic way on a little culdesac I lived on with other parents around my age. This one mother had said to me how she could not wait for her two sons to get old enough to "get out" so she could have her perfect little house she had built all to herself. I remember seeing her son get off the bus and walk down to that pretty house all alone. He was unhappy and his parents clearly made him know he was a burden to them. Well, one day a while after I saw him get off the bus and walk down to that house, there were sirens suddenly coming down my little street.

As a young parent myself, I saw parents behave in a lot of ways that were upsetting. And there WERE children that I did NOT want my daughter playing with either. There were parents on that street that were very self centered, they would put their children to bed and then get together and smoke pot and get drunk and stumble around back and forth to each other's houses. So what if their children needed them? That's not something I cared to engage in, and yet they had to have THE bigger houses and better cars and designer clothes. Their boys became bullies and they picked on a little boy down the street that played with my daughter, a nice little boy. Oh I noticed them following this little boy trying to sneak up on him to pick on him and scare him. They did not see me watching and I went out and stared them right down and shamed the hell out of them. After all, it was not as though their parents were paying attention. (actually, they were too busy gossiping, even about each other and getting high and having to shop for their designer clothes and cars).

Truth is, I was very picky about the children I let my daughter play with. I tended to look for children who's parents were actually parenting responsibly and more interested in being involved parents. Truth is, I did not care about how "pretty" other mother's were either, instead it was the quality parenting that was more important to me. I have seen mothers that dressed their children up in matching outfits with themselves, it was not imeshing, it was more of connecting and it's not always BAD or WRONG. I never did that, but I might have if I had the ability to make my own clothes. Usually, those mothers make their own clothes and sew and pick matching fabrics. Eventually, a child will grow out of that and will want to pick their own clothes out.

My therapist and his wife wanted to have a child. My therapist's wife has ADHD and also struggles with depression. Even though his wife has ADHD, her IQ level is "genius". He told me that for his wife to have a child, it meant she would not be able to take antidepressants during her pregnancy. It was HELL for her and she turned to trying electro shock treatments to help her and he mentioned how it proved to be very helpful. Because it was SUCH A CHALLENGE they are only going to have that one child that a little boy. This little boy inherited the ADHD like his mother. They are VERY involved parents, and they have taken the time to LEARN about ADHD and they both take turns interacting with their young son. He explained to me how to handle the often short attention span that presents with ADHD. It was helpful in that my husband has ADHD and he has always been a challenge, and the knowledge about this challenge simply was not there when I could have used it to understand him better. Now, you may see them parent and decide it's too controlling, yet, they are parenting in a way that will HELP their young child learn how to deal with his challenge better.

For myself, I was a very hands on parent because my daughter has dyslexia and may even have some adhd like her father and grandfather. Yet, unless you knew me and what had to deal with, you may form an opinion that would have been totally OFF BASE. While my daughter had/has dyslexia, she was a wonderful engaging child and has a very high IQ. My daughter could say the entire alphabet by age 1. She was always a very busy minded child, very active and social and explorative. Oh I read to her every night, started that as soon as she could sit up on my lap. She loved sitting and having me read stories, she certainly had her favorite story we had to read every night too. She had an amazing memory and I even thought she was reading as she remembered each page word for word too. Later I would learn that reading was going to come very hard for her because of the dyslexia. HOWEVER, because she LOVED being read to and wanted to do it herself somehow, it gave her the desire to work very hard at reading.

I ended up building a business of my own so I could be THERE for her. And my business also put me around many, many children and families. I sure saw all kinds of parents and parenting styles. I remember going to a job where the individuals were extremely wealthy. And this woman walked by me with her beautiful young son and she was thin and attractive and everything designer and I bet her handbag cost a few thousand. She turned to me and said, "Sigh...my nanny could not come today, tell me WHAT TO YOU DO WITH "IT"? Oh, I will never forget the look on her face, and how she was completely detached from her child. Yes, I did see how some people had children only to hand them to someone else to raise them. Actually, I was reminded of that when I saw the movie called "The Help". There is a scene in that movie where the African American woman said, "I raised that child and gave it love, but it STILL turned out cold like the mother". Yes, I have seen that too, not in exactly the same way, but, in the type of mother that isn't REALLY a parent to her child. Hmm, what's the label that goes with that?

Well, I read what you have shared about your own parents and how your father was and how your mother struggled with depression and discontent. All I can say is I am sorry for you in that you deserved better than that for parents. I can't blame you for wanting to get distance, and it's possible you have a deep loathing for your mother too. Maybe it was your mother that imprinted you with the importance of "looks" as often when a woman is married to a narcissist that cheats it can lead to her thinking she may not be pretty enough to keep him. Oh there definitely was that going on in her generation.

I am concerned for you in that you are OK with being in a relationship with what you have shared is a sociopath and that you figured out how to handle him? Idk, in your post to me you share that like it's an accomplishment of some kind. Sorry but, god, that's just awful. Is this your own attempt to control something your mother never could? Is it supposed to be somehow "better" than her or stronger than her?

I am not really sure that what you are sharing about this other woman is wrong or if it's just very wrong to you due to how you were raised. It could be that this woman finally got to have her own child, and she wants to be very engaged with parenting her child. After listening to my therapist talk about what his wife had to go through to have their child, YES, they are very INVOLVED parents. Yet, they are also very involved because their child has some challenges and they geniunely want to help him navigate despite his challenge. I get that because it's exactly what I myself wanted and have seen other parents do for their challenged children as well.

I was so deeply disturbed by things I had seen happen with other parents that I went to see a therapist about it. I saw things that frightened me tbh. And I sat and talked about my own history, and how my father did a terrible job raising my brother, and how he really regretted that later on when he was learning how children are supposed to be raised. I told my therapist how you never get a redo, you have one shot at developing a close relationship with your child and that's so important when they get older and NEED to talk about their challenges. You want them to be ok to come and talk to you, you NEVER want to face because he was struggling and could not come to you.

Then one day I went in for a therapy session and the therapist's door was closed and her husband, a psychiatrist called me into his office. To my surprise her husband said, "My wife and I have been doing nothing but learning so much from you and talking about what you have shared with us". He said. "I want to thank you so much for how much you helped us because we have decided to raise our children differently because of what we learned from you. You know, I spent a lot of money for all those sessions, and I never expected that I was helping these two parents and they never helped me at all other than to thank me like that. His wife decided to change things so she could be THERE to raise their children.

These are both individuals that invested a lot of time educating themselves about so many labels and behaviors and handing medications etc, and I thought to myself "What on earth did these people actually learn?". Then this psychiatrist said, "How about I write you a prescription for Valium". Ugh, I think back on that even now and wonder, "so the help I got was to handle what I was seeing and finding so disturbing is to JUST take a valium?". When you shared that your mother is 70, well I am 63 myself, and close to her generation, so yeah, that generation was pretty messed up. It's not surprising that she is so disillusioned and depressed and I am sorry you are dealing with that. Yet, being able to control a sociopath and be ok with living with a man like that is not doing better than your mother and not gaining anything of quality for yourself.

You know, there is a great deal of gray and it's simply not black and white and a quick label when it comes to seeing behaviors that you feel is unsettling. None of the members can diagnose on what you shared, actually no one can do that not really knowing the individuals themselves. However, I too like to know the whys, I sure saw a lot of upsetting things when it comes to experiencing different parents. However, it's not black and white either. Could it be these things you got out of your thread? Maybe, and yet maybe not. Without actually knowing this woman, it's not something any of us can determine. Is it possible this woman is too emeshed with her child? It's possible, can't say it doesn't happen sometimes. Yet, without knowing her first hand, it's too hard to think about labeling and that would be true for a professional as well.

Ya, I could see this being a problem.

I think how you delivered your concerns originally set people off.

Umm, your therapist crossed major professional boundaries. You are paying them to help YOU, not the other way around. Way too much personal information on your clock. I'm actually ticked off about this. Clearly, they're in need of counseling that they're taking their life's challenges to their PAYING client.

I hope you found yourself someone else.

Not your kid, not in your wheelhouse.. Also clear you don't like the person, so spending even a minute thinking about the person is not doing you any good.

Good point. Sometimes people just rub us the wrong way. But dwelling on it does us no good. Unless it’s a coworker you share an office with or someone you can’t escape like elderly parent you must take care of, it’s usually a waste of time to dwell. This woman will conduct her relationship with her boyfriend and parent her kid in her own style. And that’s all we all can do. Do things our own way

Thanks but that was back around 1993ish so nothing I can do about that now. I agree that it was strange that I reach out for help and yet two professionals learned from me instead of the other way around.

I happen to agree with you. I am having trouble with understanding why someone would need to expend such a large amount of energy figuring out the psychology of another family member. If it were a sibling in some sort of trouble, I could understand, or if the child was being abused, I could understand it better in that case too. I just don't see the point. Why not just focus on one's own life and/or resolving one's own life problems.

Ya, I find it unethical that you reached out for professional support and instead, they spent time talking with you about their own situations. You knew far too much about their personal lives.

Boundaries!! Sheesh.

My apologies for the hijack!

@MsLady, actually, the therapist (the wife) that I spent time with for therapy did not talk about herself. Instead she listened to what I shared about things I was observing in other parents and my own history with how my own parents were. I explained how if a parent doesn't spend time with their child they really never establish a relationship with their child where the child sits and learns how to feel safe to talk to the parent. This lack of establishing a bond with your child will make the period of when they are in their teens and experience challenges actually dangerous where they can end up getting involved in things they shouldn't or think they have to deal with major challenges alone.

Our children are like sponges, they NEED our nurturing and our nurturing is to teach them how to grow into their own confident person. These parents that are so self involved and tend to hand their children off to day care or other people never really forming their own bonds with their children is not good. You NEVER get those years back, they are an important foundation that last a child's entire life.

All these years later I read all these different articles on "childhood emotional neglect, or even emotional abuse" and I DID SEE THAT. And pretty much everything I talked about with this woman that results are things I hear many people sharing years later as adults. And a lot of these so called labels are a result from poor insufficent nurturing. I just read someone saying, "the problem isn't so much the sex, but the lack of intimacy" in their relationship. Or "he/she" doesn't LISTEN to me, well, it's very probable that individual never LEARNED the skill of listening in a caring, respectful, nurturing way.

Yes, it's possible this woman does imesh with her child too much. Having him match her outfits is a bit much, yet, I also noticed that is a trend as I had seen celebrities doing that with their young children. You do have to make sure when you raise a child that you show nurturing and appropriate intimacy, yet, the goal is ALWAYS about nurturing in a way that your child be able to develop their own sense of self and NOT feel they are supposed to do everything to please or follow someone else.

With this therapist and husband that I shared about, I had no idea my therapist was listening and learning from what I was sharing. I had no idea that what I had shared was constantly being discussed between her and her husband as they were parents of very young children themselves. I never expected to go in one day and to have her husband, the psychiatrist, call me into his office like that and say what he said to me. He sat there and told me how much they learned from all that I had shared, and they were making changes because of what they learned from me. Then he said I was very gifted and should seriously consider getting into the field myself. I suppose that's a big compliment, but it just did not feel that way AT ALL.

Yes, I suppose I was triggered, but not in the way the OP thinks. I wanted to learn more about the OP, and what triggered me is what she shared of her own relationship with her own parents. What triggered me is reading how she has labelled her boyfriend that she plans on moving in with a sociopath and it's ok because she figured out how to "control" him. So what does that mean, she never could control her own parents who are clearly awful parents so she ends up being ok with a relationship with a sociopath? Well, she ALWAYS deserved better than that, it very sad that she is ok with being with a sociopath. Oh, her answer will probably be something like "don't worry about me, I am tough, I can handle it". Isn't that being a bit of an improved minni me on some kind of personality label that is between a narcissist and a borderline who can't even function anymore? Well, sorry but being ok to move in and have a relationship with a sociopath because you can control him is NOT NORMAL, it's concerning.

From what is shared, this woman with the 11 year old needs to teach her child to pick out his own clothes if she is constantly having matching outfits and start learning how to make his OWN decisions so he doesn't end up allowing others to do that for him the rest of his life. Or worse, suddenly turning on her and revolting by becoming goth or something VERY drastic to separate himself in someway. Yet, that's only if she really is smothering him constantly.

It sounds like matching costumes are for costumed events like Halloween or Christmas. Or for special pictures

There is nothing unusual about it. We go to this big Halloween event in our area and we love to see some very creative costumes that the whole family wears sometimes recreating scene from somewhere. It’s so cool! And how about whole family having matching Christmas pajamas. That’s very common in the US and pretty much is just fun.

Nothing abnormal about it. Lots of families do it. It’s not like he made to wear a dress to school because she wears a dress lol Matching holidays costumes is normal and just done for family fun as well as matching outfits for special pictures