Questioning my Marriage, Thinking of Divorce and I'm Falling Apart

You know, this is one of the wisest statements: “you can only do it when you’re ready yourself”.
And “we have to be ready to listen.”

Sooooo true! This is true for any of us on here struggling. We have to be ready and willing to hear the feedback we may not want to hear.

And you’re right. Back then, before marriage I wasn’t ready to hear it. I didn’t want to hear it.

And now? Now I’m more willing. It doesn’t make it any easier, but I’m more ready to face this than I was.

Ugh.

My girlfriend also said I have to prepare myself for hell. She said I need to do everything in my power now to strengthen myself and to strengthen my mental health as well as my resolve.

She is also testimony to the fact that you can find love at any age. She fell in love again at the age of 68!! She doesn’t want me to be afraid of being single again. She is a source of strength for me right now. We may go kayaking together soon. She thinks I need to get out more and do things with friends more in order to help strengthen me. And I agree!

Getting out with friends is the best suggestion. Regardless if you are single or not. We just need the kind of outlet. It’s healthy.

Oh absolutely there is no need to be forever single! A friend of mine is 63 and she recently met a nice widower and they are out and about enjoying their life.

Even celebrities not always in a rush. Deana Keaton has never been married, she said “just because I have never been married it doesn’t mean I have less of a life”. Exactly. She adopted two kids at age 50, single adoption. And Helen Mirren married her first time at 52 and she never actually wanted to be married.

So I’ll say if they are ok with how things play out, then we are all fine

I’d say sometimes having a busy social life with friends and having hobbies could keep us from dating and settling out of boredom! So do get out more!! Glad you have a nice friend

Thanks Divine. I agree with all that you said. I just need to stop being afraid. And I know I should spend more time with friends in general. I was more so before the pandemic hit.

Pandemics really changed so much in how we do things

It sure has. And it's going to be a long process too.

We were just watching the news and the weather came on. A beautiful woman with dark hair and dark eyes was reporting the weather. I asked my husband to change the channel. This is how badly that comment has effected me. I am right back to being angry at him for it, even though there's been no incidents all week long and even though things have been loving and smooth between us.

I am going to tell my CEO what's going on. He is a friend and a confidante to me. I don't care. It's a family-like company and the CEO really likes, appreciates and respects me. He and I have been trying to connect over the last week to talk. I did tell him what's happening (ie that I am not treated as I should be and am thinking of divorce). He said we should meet over a beer. He has marital issues too. He gave us a $300 wedding gift when I got married, with a very sweet personal card from him. It's that kind of company. So I am going to chat with him about this if possible within the next half hour.

Just talked with my CEO for 45 mins about our mutual marriage problems. He has some issues too and may be facing a divorce. We related, though I may have told him too many details. I do think of him as a friend.

I have conflicted feelings AND guilt. When things are good, it makes it that much harder for me to want to leave him, BUT those times are just a snapshot of the whole, and when I look at the WHOLE picture, the HISTORY and patterns of behavior, I feel I MUST leave him. And all the while, I feel guilty for secretly planning a divorce, but I see no other way to go about this. I DO NOT WANT A LIVING HELL FOR THE NEXT 8-10 MONTHS WHILE I SAVE MONEY. I do NOT want to ask for an in-house separation for the next year. I cannot live OR be OK that way. Our apt set up does not easily support a separation. It would be too difficult, if not impossible.

I am very anxious today, and nearly every day.

Hugs and love.......

Try not to feel guilty. It’s not like you are trying to take advantage of him by doing something sneaky, withdrawing and hiding money from mutual accounts and selling his stuff in secret or looking for his replacement. All you are doing is weighing options. He isn’t a child or disabled and he isn’t being abandoned. He is a grown man.

And I might be wrong but he doesn’t sound like a person you can amicably separate in the same household and peacefully discuss you considering divorce. I don’t see it’s happening. In those circumstances what you are doing is the only safe option

You're right, and thanks Divine.

No, this wouldn't be amicable if I told him now. Not at all. It would become a living nightmare for the next 10-12 months. I know I could not endure that.

I do think it's for the best, for my own sake and his, that I don't tell him until it's time.

Other people online are telling me he doesn't need to know... the justification also being that he helped to create this nightmare for me that I am living in right now, so why should I make it even worse for myself than it already is? I like that reasoning.

And I am already living in hell right now.

He does not need to know. Nothing good would come out of it.

Absolutely 100% accurate. Nothing good would come of that. I have to also watch out for my own self preservation. And that's exactly what I am doing.

It was him yelling at me again over a HAIRBRUSH that finally pushed me to my breaking point. That was it. I was done. He had broken his promise to me over a dozen times at that point, that he swore he wouldn't do. (ie, yell at me again). A condition of marriage on my end was that he wouldn't raise his voice at me again. And of course? He did, and he broke that promise one too many times. The last time over a silly hairbrush was the tipping point for me, and I had had it. I don't deserve this, I kept thinking. I do not deserve this kind of marriage and it's not the marriage I want.

It's amazing how we can finally reach a decision once a breaking point is reached. And I reached mine.

And all I can think of since then is that is definitely not the last time he will yell at me, and this will never end. If he can lose it on me over a stupid freaking hairbrush, he'll do it again, and he'll keep doing it, unless I leave him.

I feel sickened by this whole entire situation. I am absolutely sick over it. What's most sickening and toxic to me is that right now, he's being an angel. But I know the monster that dwells inside of him, who is just sitting there very quietly waiting to bust out at any time. And I never know when it will bust out.... it makes me on edge. This is what they call the "grooming" or "honeymoon" phase in an abusive relationship. Things are stable and good, and then wham! They blow up again. That's been the pattern.

And when I previously wrote that we had six months recently where things were a lot better and smoother? I was wrong! I looked back in my journal and recalled the fights that DID occur during that time. They were all over various holidays too, when we were supposed to visit with my parents or family members. He did not attend Thanksgiving dinner because we fought and he was too angry with me, so he hurt me by not coming to my family's holiday dinner, we fought over new years and it almost ruined the night, then we fought again the day of my aunt's bday party and he threatened not to come. Then we fought when we visited HIS family in Florida, and I almost flew home.

So it wasn't all smooth waters, as I had thought. It's just that he hadn't yelled at me in the same nature as before, escalating fights into a knock down drag out fight. He hadn't done that in a while until over a hairbrush.

There is something to be said about partners picking fights before holidays and vacations and before visiting families. I’ve read something about it. Some of it is subconscious and some deliberate. Like picking a fight before Thanksgiving could be done so he’d not have to attend family gathering. Same like faking sickness before some events so you don’t have to go places.

If he picks up fights before visiting your family, it’s possibly because he doesn’t want to go.

Does he pick fights with you before going to see his friends? Or going somewhere by himself? Likely not.

He NEVER picks fights before seeing HIS friends. NEVER. And yes, the pattern speaks to something around my family and his family for that matter. I think both stress him out. And I don't think he is very comfortable around my family in particular. So yeah, I think he does this on purpose.

Sorry I am sure he does it on purpose. Deliberately or subconsciously but the goal is to get out of it. Would be much better if he just said he didn’t feel like going

There was more than one time when I faked illness trying to get out of visiting people or lied that I had to work late etc didn’t lie to my spouse but surely lied to those people I didn’t want to visit.

Yeah, and that makes me angry to even think about. He could be a LOT more mature about it, that's for sure.

I've lied too, but not to my spouse in that way in order to get out of something.