Questioning my Marriage, Thinking of Divorce and I'm Falling Apart

That list doesn’t sound good at all .

What would a list of good things about him look like?

When I was only just vaping and had quit smoking cigarettes, he encouraged me to smoke a cigarette whenever he was having one. So I started smoking again. He resists quitting himself and is in COMPLETE denial about the health risks. He does not take good care of himself at all, and one of my personal goals has to do with improving my health.

He holds me down physically in bed and restrains me sometimes when I've tried to get up. He uses physical force to hold me down in bed because he doesn't want me to leave. He even has done this in the middle of the night when I have tried to get up and use the bathroom. I have actually struggled to get out of his grasp, and the only way he has let go is if I tell him I have to pee.

I know, right???

My list of "good things" is longer -- by 3. So I have a list of 23 items that are good about him -- things like our backgrounds, politics, values, religion, where we're compatible, and things I do like about him or that work well between us.

I have hard time wrapping my mind around restraint. Playing around laughing goofing with each other like a joke? If he is really restraining you, then I don’t know if it matters what’s his political views are. I don’t think length of a list matters as much as what’s on the list. You could have 50 items on a good list and one on a bad, and that one bad one would trump it. I’d not worry about lists.

He's not joking around when he does this - he's not laughing or making a joke of it when it happens. He literally restrains me and tries to hold me down and keep me from getting out of the bed.

Would that be considered physical abuse?

Absolutely. Restraint is physical abuse. I can’t even. It happened more than once...once would be too many.

F'in hell. %$*$^*$$*

I wasn't sure. It's happened many times. He hasn't done this much lately except perhaps in the middle of the night while sleeping when I try to get up.

Why would he do that? Have you asked? What’s the reason? Control? Too high to know what’s he doing?

I guess if you didn’t think it was abuse maybe it didn’t bother you. Have you met other men who have done it? It’s scary.

It’s so disturbing

I don't know why he's done it except to say that he doesn't want me to get out of bed or for me to stop cuddling with him. He wants to keep cuddling.

It's bothered me immensely, but I shoved it down and ignored it for the most part. Guess I didn't want to acknowledge it fully to myself. But I don't like it.

At least half of things on the list are abuse (either abuse of you or of himself via addictions) and one is definitely physical abuse. Maybe I am just seeing it as black and white but I’ve not heard abusive relationships getting better. You might just become more accepting of it.

yeah. I am definitely not becoming more accepting of it. I have protested against anything abusive he's done along the way, I've drawn lines in the sand, and I've told him what is entirely UNACCEPTABLE behavior for me. I have told him many times that I will not exist in that kind of marriage or relationship, ie, where yelling occurs, for example. The only piece I haven't protested or made a stink about is him holding me down in bed. I usually laugh it off, pretending it doesn't bother me. Maybe I'm scared to acknowledge physical abuse. It's astonishing and very disturbing.

I still hope he is just playing around like a role play or acting funny playfully wrestling together. How can someone seriously restraint his wife? He can’t be serious and not know it’s not ok

I suppose I could ask him IF it happens again. "Are you trying to be funny or are you just playing around?"

Of course you have to ask what’s the deal. You can’t just lay there not knowing if he is just playing around or you are in danger, do you fight him or plead to let you go? How does he not have a black eye or something else black yet?

Does he like some type of dominant/submissive interactions/fantasies and is going all wrong about it? If man is a gentle soul who likes to cuddle, he’d for sure not be restraining you.

I do tell him "let me go - I want to get up" and he will still hold me back, using force. It's only when I tell him "I have to get up so I can pee!" will he then let me go.

maybe it IS some sort of control issue on his part. or dominant control. He's never acted that way sexually towards me in any kind of dom/sub type of role play. He's never even suggested it.

He also touches me sexually on my sexual parts when it's unwanted. I have never said anything in protest, which I should, but he acts as though my body is HIS for taking whenever he wishes to fondle it, even if I am just standing in front of him speaking to him.

Ouch. I am sorry about all this, I can’t wrap my mind around it. Maybe it’s just me and others think it’s ok. It’s certainly controlling behavior. I am concerned that you are scared of him as you aren’t speaking up when he does things you dislike. I hope you are relatively safe. You can’t be fully safe because if you wiggle when he holds you down you might end up with dislocated shoulder or other injury.

He crosses boundaries.... in many different ways. I do not think it's OK. These things have bothered me for a long time now.

I mean not you but maybe other people don’t think it’s a big deal. We all have different deal breakers. I don’t want to scare you if it’s just my perception.

I suppose I hold back in part because I don't want to constantly be telling him "don't do this, I don't like it", and "don't do that, I don't like it". There's a litany of behaviors already that I have said things like that to him about. So I suppose these example behaviors I have simply tolerated until now, even though they're not acceptable to me. Plus, it just adds to a whole picture that spells abuse, and it;s been hard for me to accept fully that I AM being abused.

I get it. I think it’s important to just follow how things make you feel. Personally I think if something doesn’t bother me I don’t care if it bothers other people and vice versa, just pay attention how you feel. If you feel good, that what matters. If you don’t, it matters too

Agreed!

I just read this article on covert abuse tactics,

Learn to Recognize 26 Covert Abuse Tactics — Confusion to Clarity

And my husband uses most, if not all of these tactics.

I am decidedly out of this relationship and will file for divorce when I can. I need to make my plans and start taking steps. I am done. I will NOT live this way anymore, OR with this abusive person any longer than I have to.

I spent time with a girlfriend alone yesterday. She was married to a very abusive man whom she eventually divorced.. She is amazing and someone I look up to. She’s 70 years old but you would never know it. She’s full of life, energized and a real pistol. Point being, she’s very astute to abuse tactics herself. She’s been talking with me on the phone about my marriage for the last year. She warned me I will have moments where I will question myself, especially when things are nice and smooth between us and when he’s being his nice loving self.

Well, this is one of those moments. We haven’t had an issue in a week. We just dropped by my parents’ home to wish my father a happy Father’s Day. And last night we were at a friend’s house with a bunch of people and I felt awful about the whole thing.

I feel sooo guilty right now for my secret thoughts and plan to divorce, and I am questioning myself. Like, is he really that bad? Right now he’s not.

But the moment he is bad again, I believe 100% in my mind and heart that I want to divorce him.

I hate this. Why did I ever get married in the first place. I wouldn’t be in this position had I just dated him and didn’t get married. My mother says she wished I had just held off. But he was pushing for it with me, and I was too weakened to say no.

Ugh. I need strength. It felt empowering to be with my girlfriend, who is a very strong empowered woman. She wants to see me free of this.

Your mom probably didn’t know all the details. Plus really who listens to other people about relationships? especially to ones parents? Lol You did receive some suggestions on PC about putting wedding on hold. And I don’t blame you for not listening! It’s common to be upset with people suggesting you leave a relationship or your spouse isn’t the right choice or you have to put it on hold. You can only do it when you are ready yourself. Then we might be ready to listen to others, but we have to be ready to listen. At that point you weren’t. And it’s common