Getting out of an abusive marriage

It’s appalling. Unbelievable. Did he know how much it costs? Was it not discussed when you plan your wedding that expenses have to be split or wedding needs to be more modest if he can’t afford it? And he demanded expensive gifts after you already spent a fortune. He is despicable. Not even embarrassed. I know you likely can’t ask for half back if it was never discussed. Oh well it’s just money. But this alone should be enough to divorce him.

It is appalling isn’t it?? I knew at the time he didn’t have extra funds to save or spend so I offered to pay. At the time, I didn’t realize what this indicated for me financially with him, ie, that he’d be such a financial burden to me in other ways. I didn’t mind paying then because I was just so happy to finally take a real vacation!.

What he paid for were our wedding rings.

And no, he never offered to pay me back. Even more appalling is he almost demanded that I spend an exorbitant amount on the “extras” beyond what my budget allowed. He didn’t care. He was so ungrateful. Then was a grump on the trip!!!! He has zero integrity.

Yes it’s appalling.

I have a thousand and one reasons to divorce him.

So many things are despicable about him. What else is? Telling me that I’m the “most beautiful woman he’s ever seen” to then telling me he prefers dark harried women! What an a-hole.

Why can’t he go get food without you? I understand going together if it’s sit down place but not for a carry out. If I want to watch a show, my husband would just go get the food if we want carry out. Why do you need to go? Just stay home. Is it because you are the one who pays for it?

No, not because I was paying for it. It’s because he can rarely do ANYTHING without me being with him. Total dependency.

And I love how he gives so much love to animals and can’t stand to see commercials about animals being abused yet he’s abusive towards women.

I understand why he wants you to always go with him. We can’t control what other people want but we can control what we do. I don’t understand why you keep going with him if you want to stay home. “I want you to go out to get food”. “Sorry honey, I’d like to watch a show right now”. Simple.

I am not saying you have to always do what you want and it’s perfectly fine in doing something just to please your partner. But it’s only ok to an extent.

It seems to be a central theme of your relationship with him and possibly relationships with other men, just going by things you shared. You do what they want and how they want it even if deep inside you might disagree with it, you still do it to please them and often to a detriment to yourself.

And it includes small things like starving because you must wait for them and going out when you want to stay in and big things like financially supporting them. I know now might not be a good time for it but in the future it might be a good topic for discussion with a therapist: how not to be people pleaser.

I used to be more so but less so now. I say what I want and need. I’m accommodating as much as anyone should be in a relationship but I don’t always go along. If I really don’t want to so something I won’t.

Good! I hope you stayed home to watch your show and he went and got food like a grown up

Lol. I watched the show yes. Food got delivered. Don’t worry when I want to eat I make a stink of it if he’s making me wait around for him.

This morning it dawned on me: I feel like I am dealing with a crazy madman. When he gets angry and when he explodes into a rage on me, he's totally irrational, accusatory, insulting, demeaning, cruel and a total monster. When he's loving, he's the polar opposite, like a sweet cuddly little kitten.

I didn't fully recognize until now that I truly am walking on eggshells around him, trying to avoid the next explosion.

We've made love for the last two nights (while he's been loving and sweet), and I feel a little guilty. But please don't come down on me for that or criticize me for it. I cannot take any criticisms right now, I am human, and I have sexual needs and desires. And he is my husband.... I know it may not make any sense to have sex now while I am planning to exit, but I wanted to. And I know it's contradictory behavior on my part while I am secretly planning a divorce. But we did.

I do feel like he's a crazy person that I must navigate around. I am looking at him very differently now. A true Jekyll and Hyde personality. I wonder what else may be wrong with him aside from ADHD, depression and anxiety. I do wonder if he's a full blown narcissist. They explode whenever they are questioned.

I know I cannot diagnose and neither can anyone else. I also know there's really no point. I know all I need to know, really. But it does make me wonder if he has a personality disorder as well.

We were napping and after an hour I wanted to get up and eat lunch. He wouldn’t let go of me despite my saying I’m starving. I had to wrestle myself free so I could get up to eat. Wtf?????

I’m also sick of all his baby talk. He talks baby talk with me ALL the time. I used to think it was kind of endearing but it’s grown old, and all I can think now is, grow the hell up and talk like an adult!

Nothing wrong with having sex. Just be prepared that he might get furious if you file for divorce any time soon (not like months or a year from now). I am not a volatile person but I’d be furious if a man contemplated divorce and already talked to divorce attorney yet slept with me because he has sexual needs and desires. This would push me over the edge and I don’t do nasty break ups. If your husband tends to have nasty breakups, it could certainly push him over the edge. If you two are still intimate, you might want to wait a bit with officially filing. You need amicable divorce as you need car lease issue resolved.

I am not criticizing you for having sex. It isn’t wrong. Just be mindful what you do while planning for divorce. Be careful. You don’t want him to get nasty

About him pinning you down. Do what your parents advised. Tell him to stop holding you down and tell him that it cannot ever happen again.

I hear you. I need to find out if the car lease change can be enforceable. He’s going to be furious either way. It’s complicated. Now we’re also supposed to adopt his brother’s cat. That will be three cats we have. I wasn’t going to inform him until a month from now. We also have two outdoor concerts lined up this month. I’m not ready. And I’m scared. I don’t know how to handle things.

You don’t have to adopt a cat if you plan on divorcing, do you? Concerts are no big deal in a long scheme of things. Who cares about that? You can go or not go.

It’s ok if you changed your mind re divorce but there will always be something. It’s never a good time unless you made a decision. When you make a decision, then nothing stops you. But there will never be a perfectly right time.

I haven’t changed my mind. Its just not easy and feels complicated. Maybe I’ll wait til the next blowup.

It certainly isn’t easy. And of course it’s complicated. It ain’t fun at all. When you decide that you are done, it might feel easier like a relief.

Yes.. all very true. And I know I will be very relieved.

Dammit. He's coming home sick today from work, which means I cannot contact lawyers today. And which means I have to deal with him being home all day with me while I work. Not happy.

As predicted, he is trying to demand my attention while I am trying to work and while he is home sick. Why can't he just go to bed and leave me alone so I can work? He has to have my attention at all times! GRRRRRRRRRR.

My sister divorced a rageaholic, abusive narcissist. Her ex was a bit worse than my husband. She did exactly as I am doing now: pretend everything is ok while you secretly plan your exit. Her advice was to do what I feel like in the moment. If that means sex, have sex. If it means a concert, go to the concerts. If it means backing off and distancing, then do that. I liked this approach because it’s exactly what I am doing and exactly how I’m feeling.

He’s going to be enraged regardless. He’s going to be a monster regardless. If I have contradictory behaviors and emotions, I think it only makes sense when you’re exiting a marriage from someone you used to adore and love.

You don't deserve to be judged. That's the last thing anyone needs when in a crisis. Best of Luck. You are in my prayers.

Thank you so much. Hugs to you!!

I am SO sick of him!!!!

When he's sick and not feeling well, he acts like a total CHILD. He IS a child.

He begs me to stay in bed with him as long as possible, holding him. He repeats himself over and over again, saying "I don't feel good. I don't feel good." He walks around the apartment, huffing and puffing and making moaning sounds, trying to gain my sympathies and attention repeatedly.

He is such an attention *****!!!!! I cannot stand it anymore.

Just GO to work and suck it up, come on, be a man! I certainly don't try to gain so much attention when I don't feel good. I just crawl upstairs to bed.

Let me ask people here a question.

When I asked my husband or said to him, "you know, it's strange that you haven't invited me to join your private friends Facebook group", does that comment sound like (1) I am accusing him of hiding something from me or (2) that I am insinuating and implying he's cheating on me?

This is how he interpreted my comment, and WHY he blew up at me in a rage over it. He claims I was questioning his integrity.

My parents told me that a far more reasonable reply to my comment would be "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't even realize. Do you want to join the group?"