Getting out of an abusive marriage

I can relate to Have Hope as I married late in life too (mine was second time) and I married quickly, we saw no reason to wait when it’s right. I think it’s not uncommon to marry late (first or second time) and many people do marry quickly. Maybe because I also married late and quickly I understand Hopes complaints, even though I don’t have same issues or in fact any marital issues. I still understand her issues because I know other people who have similar issues.

But on a deep level we can’t really relate to each other 100% because we all have different expectations of marriage and different deal breakers and different level of tolerance (mind you I have none lol). But I think we relate to other people’s marriages to some degree.

Thank you for this.... hugs.

I think it’s wise to give him a chance. I gave my first husband no chance. I don’t regret at all and I am pretty sure we’d still get divorced at some point. And we both found much better match for 2nd marriage but he held it against me for awhile that I had zero interest in working on it. It’s wiser to try something so at least you’ll feel you were fair and didn’t just give up. Find a therapist and see how it goes.

You know, you make a great point. If it doesn’t work in the end, he can’t say I didn’t try. At this late age, I don’t want to feel blamed. It’s good you found the right marriage after the first. You knew what was best for you when you left him.

HH, I don't think yours is a locked in situation. I think you have been very brave these last few weeks. I think you have been honest and forthright. I hope that coming on Psy Cen has helped to clear up issues -- so you can move forward and address the issues one at a time.

I think no matter what happens, HH, you yourself are on a tremendous growth curve. You have dreams and aspirations. You have bravery. You are honest. You are spiritual. Frankly I can see why your partner wants to hold on to you!

I absolutely know you are going to do what's right for you. It has been very rough...but you have sailed your boat through all the storms. You are a strong woman.

I want to tell you that I admire you, I wish you well, and really, I wish your husband well too, and I hope he finds the help to engage with effective and creative change.

Blessings on both of you. No matter what happens...you have come far, so very far, in a short time, and I hope you feel good about that, HH.

Well it was a very long time ago, we were young and were married briefly, we were not a good match but we co parented very well and are on good friendly terms.

With the exception of one longish relationship (I shared about that on here) and few dates here and there I was single for most of my adult life. Too busy to date, didn’t want to get serious or bring men home while my daughter was young etc It’s nice I’ve met my husband but it would be just fine if I didn’t. I had a good life before I met him

I know you’d agree with me that a woman doesn’t need a man to live a full and satisfying life. I have education and a life long satisfying career that pays the bills pretty well, I have engaging hobbies, decent number of good girlfriends, decent savings for comfortable retirement, I had a lot of fun experiences in life, travelled all over the country and some amount of international travel, I like nice things so I have a ton of stuff I like to have to make my life nice. I did it all without a man. I didn’t need a man. And I know you are the same way. Don’t need one.

What I am trying to say and I know you feel the same way, relationships are good and all that but notion that a woman needs a man to fully function is outdated. You will have a great life regardless if you stay with this guy, find another one or go solo. Having a good man by your side is nice but absolutely not a requirement to have a good life. You’ll do what works for you and will be a winner regardless how things work out

Aw, thanks so much for saying all this.

I appreciate your kind words. It has been rough, no doubt.

I am glad I finally faced the issues though. It took me a while to be able to face it head on like this. A year ago I did not want to look at it, but I saw it all happening, I knew what was happening, and I was afraid of it. I thought then that I would have to leave him.

Anyways, thank you.

Yes I absolutely feel the same way!

What I meant was that I am so glad you found a healthy marriage vs a toxic one like your previous marriage. That's what I meant.

As you know, I was ready and prepared to be single again, and in fact, I knew 100% that I could be happy, content and just fine being single for the rest of my life. I still know this and believe this to be true..... if things end, yes, it will hurt and I would feel sad for a while, but I know I would be fine being single.

So right now, it's a wait and see. But I do know I will land on my feet again if it must end. I have faith in myself, and that helps a ton.

I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse ; I know how much courage it takes to leave. Glad that you aren't telling him anything. Abusers are all alike, they are excruciatingly insecure and take no responsibility for their behavior. I found one "secret"---and that is I stopped responding to the abuse; they constantly want and need you to explain yourself; they are emotional vampires. Loving thoughts to you, xo

Thank you.

I did tell him, however, and he is now taking responsibility. He says he's willing to go to therapy.

I know that this still doesn't mean it will work. It may not work, and I may still need to leave him. But he's willing and wants to try therapy. He asked me to give him a chance. So I am, but I am entering into this with my eyes wide open and a skeptical mind.

He took me out on a romantic dinner "date" last night. It was very nice.

I am feeling very cautious and only slightly optimistic. I feel like the current crisis has been averted and that a bandaid has been placed over the relationship for now.

I am fully aware of the fact that I may still have to leave him. In fact, I had a dream last night where I told him (again) that I am divorcing him.

But divorce no longer needs to be on the table right now. Right now, we need together to identify a couples counselor. I already asked my own therapist for referrals.

I don't know how I feel. I am still exhausted and worn out from all the recent stress. It has felt like a mini-crisis going on for me. Or perhaps even a full-blown crisis, I don't even know. All I know is the last several weeks have weighed heavily on my shoulders, carrying this burden silently while talking to lawyers and planning an exit strategy.

I guess now I need to create a new thread with a new title....

I'm so tired. It's been really challenging to be working and to have this going on in the background.

I am talking to my CEO today to just chit chat and catch up. He is aware of what has been happening. We're friends of sorts... or we're friendly and often talk on a personal level. He has marital problems too, which he shared with me. I appreciate that I can share what's going on with me. It's that kind of a close knit work environment. They call it a family.

My thoughts are scattered right now, as you can see. lol.

He is continuously saying "I love you" since the cat was let out of the bag, and I don't always want to say it back. I'm just not feeling it.