Getting out of an abusive marriage

It’s kind of scary not feeling well nowadays. What are his symptoms? Hope it’s nothing... If it’s nothing serious I can’t stand whining. Hope he goes to work soon

about your question. If he was normally peaceful not argumentative person, I’d ask if there was a better way to address the issue about not being invited to the group, if he normally never blows up, I’d probably consider that maybe my comment could be tweaked if it got him that upset.

But since he is blowing up all the time, it doesn’t really matter how you worded your comment. He’d get mad regardless. It doesn’t matter how you say it. Your parents are right. Personally I’d say “I didn’t know you want to be in this group, it didn’t occur to me, do you want to be in it? “

He never wants to be questioned. Things have to be on his terms at all times.

Thanks, @divine1966!!!

It's not COVID illness or symptoms he has. He never feels well. He constantly has stomach issues, OR is very tired and exhausted. This is normal for him.

And yes, he whines about it. it's NOT pleasant and it's NOT fun. It's a huge nuisance. He just wants attention. He's a big baby.

And thanks re: your feedback on my Facebook comment to him. I think your last sentence is the key in all of this: he never wants to be questioned, period. And he will blow up at me whenever he feels I am threatening his sense of total control in this relationship. Yes, everything has to be on HIS terms. And that includes being excluded from his circle of friends on Facebook.

What a classy person I married.

UGH. Mistake. I am talking to my parents now about the details of divorce because they're going to help me to tell him when I do tell him. Now my parents are pushing for me to mediate, when my gut tells me I should hire a lawyer. I am going to follow my gut!!!!!! I feel like I need to protect myself legally in all ways.

The only thing you need is him off the lease. Sure, he might agree to it. Do your parents think he’ll agree to it? He also owes you money but it’s not legally enforceable if there is no written obligation.

OMG. I told him tonight what's going on in my head. I told him I want to divorce him. The Crap hit the fan. More to tell later. I don't know what's going to happen. He's tearful, begging, pleading, saying he will go to therapy, etc. He is clinging on.

@TishaBuv, help!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am now at the same exact place you were when your husband begged you to stay. My husband is now doing the same exact thing. Help help help. I don't trust anything will change. He now agrees to therapy.

Hope you are ok. Of course he is begging and pleading. Crying and making promises. They always beg and plead. My ex significant other begged and cried and pleaded for over a year after I left. He had to be blocked because it became inappropriate.

True for toxic women too. My husbands ex made his and my stepkids life he$$ and ripped him off in divorce yet she called us when we were already together begging and pleading him (realized that she’ll never find another nice man to put up with her and found out he moved on), she had to be blocked as well.

That’s how they operate. You take them back, and they are back to their old ways. I took my ex back at some point before final break up. My husband took his ex back at some point years before final separation and divorce. They never get better. Just waste of time. What you see is what you get.

Be safe

I never experienced the pleading begging thing or did the pleading begging thing in any relationship, ever. If it's over it's over. When one person is adamant they want to move on...it is manipulative to plead, beg, make new promises etc.


HH, please try to cool down your emotions. If he is upset he has a right to be upset, right? He can own his feelings. I don't think we need to take that away from someone. We can allow that without trying to fix it.


Please look to Psych Central for support in what you decide...but how you decide is up to you.

You are in my prayers.

I agree with Dechan it’s usually manipulative. But on the other hand if a person suggests therapy and has an idea what THEY need to improve, it might be fair to give them a chance. If they are legitimately upset.

Sometimes temporary separation with intent of working on things could be a solution, instead of filing for divorce right away. Then people can assess what’s what.

Tons of options. You have time to think and make wise decisions

Hmmm, maybe, if therapy wasn't tried before...it can be used as confirmation that the thing is over. I know that sounds weird...but you can tell where a person's heart is at when they are talking in the neutral zone of the counseling office. My ex and I did therapy and it was really a joke. By then we had been together for 25 years, marriage for 20...so there wasn't much a therapist could tell us. We didn't hate one another. We had grown apart is all. I would have preferred to stay married and work things out...but that takes two people. If one is looking at the exit door the whole time...well then...

I think therapy could help and I heard of couples for whom it helped either to improve or end their marriage. Problems arise in long term marriage that might need outside help.

But... I don’t want to be negative but if a couple needs marriage therapy after just one year of marriage, there isn’t much hope. It is supposed to be a happy bliss. If it’s a struggle from the get go, I think the issue might be wrong match from the start, not something that might go wrong over time (kids or money or stress etc)

I agree with Divine to a certain extent. I would say my ex and I were not wholly compatible and there were problems from the beginning. I think therapy at one year may have ended things. Instead we packed up and did an around-the-world adventure. Haha. It was a fun distraction!


THAT SAID...sometimes people don't experience the first year of marriage as bliss. Sometimes the first year is rocky then it smooths out. That was my experience.

Marriage is always a bit risky. Anything can happen. One person could become seriously ill...or get in an accident. Or lifestyles and habits might clash. Such things end marriages.


Or...maybe it simply proves to be not a very viable arrangement. Geez, that's why we have divorce! I have a friend who has stayed in an unhappy abusive marriage for decades. To me that seems wrong.


HH...my heart goes out to you. Sorry if I hijacked this thread. We are all thinking of you.

Thank you both.

I am exhausted and did not sleep much. Neither did my husband I have no idea on any of this. I don't have hopes he will miraculously change. Therapy may confirm that it's over. I am burnt out, I am worn out. My feelings have changed. I even told him they've changed. He claims I still love him, and that he sees it in me.

This certainly did not occur according to my "plan". But perhaps it's best this way. It was SO hard carrying ALL of this inside of me for the last couple of weeks. He now knows. He wants to try. I don't know if I want to try. I may be done.

I think when we start believing things about how a relationship "should be", it can be dangerous thinking, bordering on idealism. Like yeah ideally, our marriage was blissful for the 1st year. And maybe it's a bad sign of things to come that it wasn't. Maybe it does mean we're doomed and we're a total mismatch.

What it says to me is that it wreaks of red flags.

I don't see him changing, and IF he does, I don't trust it will last long. I don't trust him. I told him he broke his promise to me a dozen or more times.

He really was desperate last night to hold onto the marriage. I could only listen to his tears and dribble for so long though. I sent him upstairs after some time so I could have some space and peace and quiet.

I asked him WHY he wants this marriage so badly? Security? Loneliness? Fear? He claims it's because he loves me so much.

I said if you love me that much, you never would have called me a B and all other nasty things you've said to me.

What a mess this is. I guess I feel relieved in a way that it's out in the open.

I have a way of being easily influenced when talking with other people about decisions I have a hard time making. Ultimately this is your life and marriage.

Anyone could give you reasons to try to work it out or to end it.

I think individual and couples therapy is a good idea no matter how this ends up.

You said you never had a healthy relationship before, so it’s fair to assume that this one would also have plenty of bumps in the road.

Some of the bad things you said he does are preventable by your not enabling them. Some things are changeable, should he want to. There are probably things you are also doing that can improve.

The biggest question I’d be pondering is What does he bring to your life? In my marriage, he brings a lot. In yours, it sounds like you are the one keeping him afloat. But maybe he brings you something that makes that worth it to you, like companionship.

Maybe a therapist can help you both diffuse the whole dynamic where he yells at you.

I’d still want to know if he knowingly duped you into signing for that car, simply because it was advantageous for him. As a couple, it should have been honestly learned about and discussed like adults and an informed decision made together.

I’m not sure what to suggest regarding your living together right now and it being so volatile. Be safe and smart.

Thank you, TIsha.

Wise words you have here.

I guess therapy will help to uncover a lot of these questions and answers.... it will help either way, I do believe.

He does bring me companionship. And fun times, when things are good.

Although, I've never said that all my relationships have been toxic. I've had healthy relationships and I know what they look like in comparison, but it's been a while. It's more so that the last several have been toxic.

He seems to truly mean his words. I now have to see if his behavior and actions back up his words.

I am just so tired.

I don't know if he duped me regarding the car lease. I mean, why wouldn't he ask his own wife to co-sign rather than a parent or a friend? I'm the one who makes the most sense, being the closest to him.

At least now everything is out in the open. That was a big step you took and I am glad you did.

Thank you so much.

It wasn't planned. It happened quite naturally. An opening presented itself, so it spilled out, and out it all came.

I feel relieved. VERY relieved that I no longer have to pretend. I am glad it happened this way too. I think it's truly for the best that we talked and that I expressed everything I needed to tell him.

I don’t think the point is that relationship “should” be certain way. If you are happy and content, then it doesn’t matter what other people think how it should be. If you aren’t content then it becomes an issue for you. It doesn’t matter what other people think, other opinions are just that, opinions.

Of course people could change and you could give him a chance. If you do go to therapy there is a long list of issues that might need to be addressed. These issues are interconnected. It’s not just him keep yelling or calling you names. Pot addiction snd relying on pot to function, physically restraining you, not pulling his weight financially, being always sick and unable to do any activities yet not seeing a doctor, saying mean things, yell and call you names, being irresponsible, because you spend on money on him you are not saving anything for the future or old age etc etc there is more.

I think it’s more than first year wasn’t a bliss, he doesn’t sound like a person with whom marital bliss is possible. That’s how he was first 47 years of life. He’d have to make a complete turn around to be a good husband. To be a different person, mature and responsible and so on. Is it possible? I don’t know. Maybe. It depends on what you are ok with.

Sure I’d call a therapist if he suggests it. Just don’t let him control what’s being discussed in there

“I don't know if he duped me regarding the car lease. I mean, why wouldn't he ask his own wife to co-sign rather than a parent or a friend? I'm the one who makes the most sense, being the closest to him.”

Firstly, I’m really sensitive to these kinds of things and I don’t mean to harp on the car.

You said he told you he could only get the car if you signed. You said he is in the auto industry. So you just believed him and signed. Maybe he told the truth and your signing was the only and best way. Maybe he could have gotten a car without you and paid a higher rate, and if you had known that, you might have elected for that option. Maybe he knew that, being in the industry, and he told you otherwise. This just bothers me because he also has a history of taking money from you and demanding high price things you don’t think wise of you to spend, but have given in. This was to his advantage. If only he had signed on a car and you divorced, possibly you still would have to pay some of all of it anyway IDK.

These are just my thoughts, we don’t have to discuss. I understand you best option is to get him to pay for his own car now.

@divine1966, I spelled out each of those issues to him last night when we talked. I told him EVERYTHING that's been on my mind. So yes, in therapy, all would have to be addressed, and not just the anger issues.

It's a mountain, really.

@TishaBuv, the car lease issue does not bother me as much as it bothers you, though I do appreciate your sentiments and concerns about this. What does bother me is trying to get out of it IF I do have to divorce him. I told him last night point blank that he is a spoiled brat. And I spelled it out for him, telling him how much he demands and how much of a disservice his parents did him by overindulging him. To me, that's the real issue at play: his spoiled and demanding mentality that he must have the best of everything and demands it. He needs a reality check, and I gave him one last night for sure.

You know what? I DO feel a bit better. And I am glad I was able to get all of this off my chest with him in private, without my parents present ( which would humiliate him immensely) and without incident.

It is SUCH a HUGE relief.

AND..... I am SO glad that HE offered to go to therapy, without my prompting him or even begging him.

If you could have seen him last night. He was SO upset that I wanted to divorce him. He was visibly shaken up. I have never seen such upset in my entire life.

Now he needs to walk his talk and follow through. He needs to actually listen to a therapist, learn, change and grow. He has a lot of work to do, and I told him I may not even have the patience.

We shall see.

I have my therapy appt today, so lots to discuss. I will ask for referrals for couples therapy.

Those kinds of things speak to trust issues for me. I’m glad you can put that part behind you and focus on the current issue of getting out of it.

Best of luck. I was thinking how your situation was quite different from mine therefore not really very relatable.

You married relatively late in life, and also married quickly. I married young, and I lived with my partner for five years before getting married.

So you might have issues others can't relate to.

I don't want to comment on the car lease because I think finances within marriage is very personal and private. I am certain you weren't "duped" (what an awful word)! For most of my early marriage we had a one-pocket philosophy in that we contributed to whatever was needed equally. It only gets upsetting on the other end of marriage, I think. Because by that time mutual cooperation has failed.

You did say you knew about his pot habit and it didn't cause you any problems. This would be a major change. Major, major, major. And if he has a medical license for marijuana use...well then...IDK...it's a sticky issue.

Personally I believe that upheaval within marriage is okay as long as both parties are committed to growth and mutual satisfaction. I would have loved for my ex to have stayed with me and for us to have worked things out.

I am hoping you work things out. It's good how you are going about everything now. I am so glad your concerns came out naturally. The idea of confronting someone with others present...well, I wouldn't like that if someone did that to me.

Can an old dog learn new tricks? Maybe, if he doesn't want to lose the love of his life. Good luck! You both are in my prayers.

Thanks Tisha and Dechandawa. Hugs.

I’ll tell you... I am EXHAUSTED mentally and emotionally from all of this. So much stress trying to deal with lawyers, secrecy and pretending.

So glad it’s all out on the table.

And yes, the ideal scenario was that I tell him in private. The only reason to bring my parents in was to avoid another explosion.

Yes Dechan, I married later in life and it did happen rather quickly. But that doesn’t mean people can’t relate to being abused in their marriage or partnership. Many couples marry quickly in fact. I respect your desire to not discuss my finances. I, too, think of this as more of a private and personal matter. But I shared my concerns regardless because I needed the support and help.

My head is swimming right now. I need rest. I need a break from stress and angst.

If I truly did get through to him, he will make necessary changes. It won’t be easy for him.

The pot is not a big deal or problem for me. It’s legal where we live. I really am not bothered by it at all. Now if it effected his job or his behavior then I’d have a problem. But it does not.

I do think this happened in the best way possible. I don’t have high hopes right now, but I believe maybe there’s still a chance. Maybe.

Hugs to you both.