Trust issues with my husband - please help

It comes down to I can't trust him and he is still abusive. It's a no win situation.

He is not changing and he hasn't changed enough for me to have any faith in him going forward.

Yesterday I said to him, "you act in both loving and unloving ways". His reply? "So do YOU!". BS. I have been NOTHING but loving towards him except for the time I lost it completely and called the police on him. That was one time out of nearly three years together. I spoke with my sister this morning who confirmed for me (because I had blacked out that night I was drunk) that he was in a rage again at me and that I was scared of him. This is why I called the police. This confirmation of what had happened that night also seals the deal for me. By him saying, "So do YOU", it's total deflection and sharing of the blame, when I am not to blame for being unloving towards him overall. He has been abusive overall.

And he is still abusive. He will not change and he cannot change without years of individual therapy. Even if I were to hang in there with him through all of that process, he has been dishonest on far too many occasions now and I just do not trust him. He is NOT a trustworthy person of integrity. Yet he defends his so called integrity to no end.

I am done. I am done with this relationship. I am done with trying and I and I done with putting up with less than what I deserve.

I pray I get this job offer. Now I need to start taking steps and planning, just as I was back in July.

My best girlfriend today suggested that when I tell him, that I simply just say "this isn't working for me anymore and I do not wish to be married anymore". To not place blame or bring up the abuse again, and to simply just say it doesn't work, and I wish you well. I tend to agree with this approach.

I think your friend's advice is good. Make it all about you now, and he won't have anything to throw back at you. I have watched a lot of videos about narcissistic abuse, and I think Dr. Ramani sums things up really well...

Massive luck on the job front, everything crossed

Thank you!!

And thanks for the video!

Now I am getting really angry over ALL the crap I've endured from him.

The icing on the cake for me was yesterday and the final nails in the coffin for a divorce:

Talk about lack of integrity and honesty??????? We were at Home Depot yesterday. He took a picture of a lower price than what the item we were buying cost. The item we were buying did not have a sticker with the price on it. I am certain the item cost $17.99 because that's what it said on the self beside the item. So he took a screenshot of a far lower price on the shelf, showed it to the clerk, and then got away with paying a LOT less for a higher priced item. We paid $3 for an item that cost $17.99 because of what he pulled. He did this DELIBERATELY, in knowing it cost more. NO integrity. I would never do something like this ever - not at this age. Maybe when I was 15!

That was it for me. He defends his so called "integrity", yet practically steals from Home Depot for a matter of a difference in $15??? He is NOT trustworthy at all. And he proved it to me by doing this..... yet another instance of dishonesty.

On top of getting pleasure out of pushing my buttons and making me upset yesterday.

Last week it was "sure, I don't give a s-h-i-t" when I wanted to do something NICE for him.

And the week before, he blew up at me again.

And in bed he called me "one way sally" when he woke me up to fool around, but he pleasured me 1st, and I accidentally fell asleep again. One way sally???? What an insult. The week before I had pleasured him without any reciprocation. What an A-hole!

I am SO done with listening to his excuses, his BS and his justifications around his bad and abusive behaviors. DONE.

And I am DONE with being treated this way. DONE.

He is an abuser and always will be. He is dishonest and dishonorable and always will be. CHARACTER does not change and no amount of therapy will fix poor character.

I am listening to my own self and what I think now, and I am no longer taking his BS excuses.

Now it's black and white for me. This guy is of low character. And I deserve FAR better.

It’s sooo hard being around him now knowing I’m divorcing him. July repeated.

Right now, I envy you.
As I've said already, stay strong. Once the separation takes place, you will be away from it all.

Divorce is no fun but it could be a positive thing. Especially if things aren’t the way they should be. It will be ok and better than ok.

Thank you for the encouragement.

I won't be away from it all until one of us can move out.

This is a nightmare.

Thank you.

I hope I don't lose my nerve -- I may be already losing my nerve.

It really is horrible, and hurtful. Hope that your therapist is understanding. It's normal to be unsure, but the more you focus on your own future and being good to yourself it'll come clear what is best for everyone in the situation. I know you're angry with your husband, but it really isn't even doing him any good. He shouldn't be allowed to use and abuse

@KBMK, it is horrible, thank you.

My therapist is very understanding, yes.

I guess the good news is this place I am in now is not new to me. I was here in July, ready to divorce him. I had a plan and I had called lawyers. When I talked to my husband about it, I announced I was divorcing him. Then he begged me to stay.

Now that I see he cannot truly change his behaviors, and now that I see this is a character flaw in him, I now know what I must do.

And yes, it's best for everyone. He cannot deal with me questioning him anymore, and I cannot deal with always having questions and doubts in my mind about what he's doing and if he's telling me the truth.

But yes, I am angry.. and that anger runs deep. I feel I have been misled in so many ways.

A condition of marriage on my part was that he never raise his voice at me again. He had before we got engaged, I put my foot down, and he promised he never would again. Then right before our wedding, he exploded on me in a rage. Then right after we married, he exploded on me repeatedly for the 1st few months of marriage. I was thinking I would have to leave him then.

And I remember when we first met, how he told me more than once what a loving and caring person he is. It raised a yellow flag for me then, and I was thinking, why does he need to TELL me this? Now I see it as manipulation and lies to get me to date him, trust him and believe in him.

What's sad to me is he truly believes these things about himself: he truly believes he's the most wonderful loving partner. And he truly believes he is honest and has the utmost integrity. He truly believes his father is a "great" father, despite the fact that he taught him to abuse women, to be racist and sexist. His father is an explosive, sexist, racist and abusive a-hole. And my husband mirrors his father.

My husband is completely deluded. I think he may be a narcissist. His ego seems to be very inflated and his view of himself is very inflated AND distorted.

Writing this out like this is very sobering.

Every morning I wake up and I am hit with a sobering reality that I must leave him. Then I hug and kiss him goodbye, as though everything is fine.

Forgive me if I didn’t read all your details. I read that he used your credit card after you told him not to, he did it again. That is a trust issue.

I’m curious why he used your cc. Did he max his out?

I believe in honest communication. I would, and I think a t would suggest, you talk about why he did that and how you are doing financially as a couple (because his debt is yours and vice versa when married)

The price change at Home Depot was low to do. I’d ask him, maybe in t, Why did he do it? Does he habitually? Did he hide that from you previously?

I agree his using your credit card after you said ‘no’ is a form of abuse. It’s disrespect and financial abuse. Maybe he thinks since you are married he has the right to do this, despite what you say? Um....I wouldn’t be able to live with a relationship like that, either. Hugs

What happened is he used my card a second time without asking me and charged another $300 on it. He didn’t tell me either and I found out through an email notification from the credit card company that there was a charge. He told me just recently that he knew it was wrong when he did it. And I said, you knew it was wrong yet you did it anyways??

I don’t trust him about anything now. He’s lied and has stretched or has omitted the truth too many times.

I cannot talk to him anymore. When confronted, he deflects, stonewalls, gaslights and takes NO responsibility. His actions do not match his words.

I’m happily divorcing him as soon as Is possible. He’s untrustworthy, toxic and abusive.

I’m glad you feel sure about what you want to do.

Yes, I am certain. But now I just lost the one job offer I had and I am stuck for God knows how long until I have a job so I can leave him.

This is a NIGHTMARE.

I’m sorry. . That’s the grim reality right now. You can’t leave yet. If you had been single, and lost your job, would you have been alright? For his help with bringing in money right now, he is a blessing (in spite of also being a nightmare).

Thanks for pointing out a silver lining.

I had been laid off before when I was single and living alone. I survived and remained living in my apartment. The same may not be true today, unless I were living in a far cheaper apartment, which I'm not. Those are unheard of.

When it comes to money, it’s a big concern for me, when a SO is being underhanded. I’ve had to deal with some things and may be very sensitive to the issue.

Have you done a credit check? You can do a free credit check with Equifax, Transunion, and one other company I forget the name.

If I were in your situation, I would do the credit report for myself and convince my h to do it for himself and show it to me. If he refuses, it’s a huge red flag because he may be hiding something...and that’s the reason I’d want to do the report, though I would tell him it’s to make sure everything is correct, which is a good reason to do the check tbh.

If he’s maxed out credit cards, or if he’s opened new ones you don’t know about, this will tell you.

To me, his using your cc, possibly goes beyond his just using yours for the $300. Could he have done worse you don’t know about?

I don’t think you would be unreasonably untrusting to do that after what he’s been doing.

Just my two cents.

Thanks, Tisha, but I'm not going to go down that road.

I have enough on my plate right now and cannot overload myself with fear, worry and paranoia that he's done worse.

I probably would know if he had done anything else anyways.

It happened to my sister in her first marriage. He had done things she didn’t know about, and she was responsible for the payments, when they divorced. That’s when she found out.

I understand you feel different about this than I do.

I’ve seen too many people get burned and won’t tolerate it happening to me. It’s not paranoia.

I understand and can appreciate that. I am not going to do a credit check, and I am choosing not to worry about such things right now. Please let's just drop it for now ok? I do appreciate the concerns, but I have far too much on my plate to worry about. I have no job, no income, I am depressed and anxious as all hell, I need a new therapist and I need to apply for jobs again. I just got rejected for a job that I thought I had in the bag. I am freaking out already. If he's done something that i don't know about, I will get a lawyer and will fight him on it.

I’m not insisting you do and understand how you feel.

How would you like to receive help for the title of this thread?

Thanks, Tisha.

You make a great point. I'm less worried about trust and am more concerned with a divorce. Maybe I'll close this thread since my other thread about divorce is much more relevant now.

Sometimes trust issues can be unfounded, but sometimes they are deserved. He’s been pretty untrustworthy with several things. I’m sorry you are having these difficulties with the job, the husband... wishing you the best!

Yes..... and thank you.... it's really tough right now.