Trust issues with my husband - please help

But how does he treat his mom? You say he loves you, too, but mistreats you.

As far as I've seen, he treats his mom with respect and caring. Same with his father. But his father taught him to mistreat women, and he models his behavior after his father. He acknowledged this fact.

He does love me, but his love also comes with problems and mistreatment. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

If I get this job, It really could be a matter of weeks before I say I am divorcing him again. That is how I feel RIGHT NOW. I am fed up.

His comment this morning sent me right back to feeling like divorce is the only answer. By telling me it's a "joke", it absolves him of all responsibility and ownership. When he said he was gaining pleasure out of seeing me get pissed off? I believe it to actually be TRUE and not a joke. Who jokes like that? But then he says it was just in jest, so he absolves himself of all responsibility that way.

It's an abusive tactic, for sure

Yes, and it's about control over me, like my father told me today. If he can push my buttons, then he has control.

I don't know how to even behave towards him right now. I am angry. Yes, it was an abuse tactic, so clearly, I am still being abused.

I have said that if he continues to abuse me, that I am leaving him. I feel I have no choice now but to divorce him.

Yet, how do I even behave towards him right now? I feel like withdrawing completely from him, being cold towards him and not even engaging with him with any niceties. F him.

Now we’re barely talking and we’re tense with each other.

Absolutely. I know you mentioned recently that he doesn't gaslight you but from the stories you share, he's gaslighting you. For example, telling you you're "sensitive" when pointing out an inappropriate behaviour in him IS gaslighting. He's trying to distort your perception of real case scenarios into something that only you would object to.

He then apologizes and tells me he’s learning to talk to me in better ways. This is what he said just now.

You know.. it's like we both need to create HOUSE RULES for these guys.. a Mission Statement.. a list of 5 expectations to remember. What 5 would be on your list?

Sorry, I no longer accept apologies. What I'm looking for now is acknowledgement and effort.

It just isn't fair on you. It could be true that he loves you the only way he knows how, and he might well want to treat you better, and could even want your marriage to work for you both (I do doubt that), but he obviously has issues with control and enjoys taking advantage of your vulnerability. I think it is only right that you don't trust him, and the only think I think you should be working on is your own security... however you choose to proceed, I would proceed with caution, and think about an exit plan in case of unforseen circumstances. He might have been behaving well to keep you, and I don't want to be dramatic, but it isn't beyond reason that he could try other tactics to keep you, such as getting you under the thumb. I don't necessarily think honesty is the best policy, when there's so much uncertainty about his willingness to abuse your trust.
I know your dad was quite harsh in what he has said to you before, but it sounds like he is being more supportive now? Is there somewhere you could go if you had to get some space?

I have some simple expectations for relationships...
Support and encouragement of endeavours.
Help celebrating successes.
Comfort and kind words during troubled times.

and conversely, I don't accept...

Undermining endeavours
Stealing thunder
Salting wounds

I don't trust people that take displeasure in my pleasure, and enjoy my pain, and I get as far away as possible from people like that.

Sounds pretty and simple but guys like mine need more concrete definitions for each rule.

Thanks for your thoughts.

It hasn't been fun to deal with, I can tell you that.

I don't have anywhere I could go. I am stuck until I get some money together from a new job to even be able to divorce him. And I would want him to move out, not me.

My husband does acknowledge and make an effort though. He may spout off crap initially, but then when I stand my ground and keep pushing my points, he backs down, apologizes and acknowledges his mistakes. In the end, he says it's a lesson learned for him.

I agree - it isn't fair on me.

I am tired of questioning, I am tired of having to be on top of every behavior of his, and I am tired of the rolller coaster.

Yesterday, I woke up in a good mood. Then his one comment about enjoying seeing me get worked up over the remote sent me into a tailspin for the rest of the day. We had a tough day as a result. One single comment can accomplish this, and it can ruin my entire outlook and mood.

On top of that, all I'm left with are more questions with few answers. He gives me his explanations, which may sound plausible, but I don't fully believe his explanations because I feel they are dismissive of the insult or injury.

Like, he is able to explain away poor behavior by saying "I didn't mean it that way." Or, "I didn't mean it the way you're taking it".

So I get offended, he explains it away by telling me he didn't mean it, but the offense is still out there, and the injury or hurt is still there. And because I don't fully believe his explanations, I am left with questions. Did he truly mean it? Why did he even say something like that if he didn't really mean it?

Like, why tell me that he was only joking when he said he's enjoying seeing me get worked up over the TV remote, if he visibly saw that I for real was getting pissed off? If he noticed I was for real getting pissed off about it, which I was, then it seems he truly was gaining enjoyment out of it. Why later play it off as though we were only joking with each other, when clearly I wasn't joking around at all?

All I'm left with thinking is that he was truly gaining enjoyment out of it.

“I didn’t mean it” isn’t a valid apology. The point is you are offended, doesn’t matter what he meant. Plus if he enjoys seeing you all worked up, then yes he really did mean it, otherwise he’d not say it. No one says they like to see they’d wife upset unless they mean it at least on some perhaps subconscious level.

You keep saying how much he loves you but many of his comments to you are full of animosity and underlining anger. Love is action. A lot of his “love” are words like baby talk or saying “I love you” yet his actions: saying offensive things, arguing and liking to see you upset isn’t indication of love.

Maybe that’s what you can tell him that his affectionate words spell “ oh I love you so much”but his actions spell not just disinterest but honestly hatred. Some of the things he says or does honestly aren’t how loving men behave.

He said that, then later apologized and told me he is "learning".

And I agree that he probably did enjoy seeing me get worked up and meant what he said.

It’s good he is learning. We all make mistakes. It just seems like there’s an argument of sorts almost daily. Doesn’t it not feel like too much or too often to you? It seems excessive. Everyone has misunderstandings or arguments in relationships. It’s inevitable. But this seems excessive

It is excessive. And I'm seeing that he's reverted back to abuse tactics again.

I am calling couples counselors now, but I don't think there's hope for us anymore, and I am coming far closer to the conclusion that I must leave him.... sooner than later and after I get a job. This is a most sobering conclusion.

He did something else dishonest yesterday, and that has me concluding now that he is just not an honest person. I cannot be married to someone who is dishonest, let alone abusive. There's no point in even confronting him about it; he will excuse and will rationalize it. And it blows me away how much he defends his so-called "integrity" when I don't see much integrity in things he does.

I agree. And I am seeing the dissonance between his words of "love" and his actions that exhibit hatred and anger.

I am in complete agreement with you.

I am sorry. Try to focus on job search and job related things, finger crossed. While you are waiting for job offer from that one place get yourself busy with searching for more options. Stay focused on that if you can

Thank you.

I'm actually physically shaking right now. I must take an anti-anxiety pill to help me to calm down.

Today I called my own individual therapist again to schedule a second session for this week. I need to talk to him today if at all possible.

I pray I get this job offer - otherwise, it will be very tough to pretend that things are Ok in my marriage while I look for work and plan my exit strategy.

I know what I must do -- and I must leave him. I really don't feel I have a choice now.

I cannot believe I have to also go through a divorce, during one of the worst years ever. Let's just pile it all on, shall we? It's COVID, then I lost my job, now I must divorce. Awesome.

So, now I am right back to where I was in July. I have to plan a divorce secretly and act as though everything is OK until I have all my ducks in a row financially and until I am ready to tell him.

I am heartbroken. This is devastating.