no remorse from husband

So is it common for both parents to go to all their kids' sports practices and games and these days? Mine at the most dropped me off at practice and maybe went to 1/3 of my games and meets. I survived. I think you can find a way to not have to be together at the events all the time.

Your strong and smart. Please go to Ted Talk and enter Esther Perel on infidelity and other relationship issues. Most Americans will tell you to leave him. You need to think about the entire relationship, not the past few months. Think outside the box. The majority of our society will say divorce, they maybe correct. Listen to your heart and look for remorse in him. If he doesn’t express that emotion it would cause me to really consider my options. Kind thoughts!

I agree, and I think this is what you are actually trying to do. Sometimes we can get very self involved, can struggle emotionally and lose sight of the other person. For example, your husband had wondered if you had a thing for the coach a while back right? You had no interest at all, and that's your feeling. Yet for some reason your husband felt threatened. Typically the reason that happens comes from the other person's insecurities, that they are doubting their self worth in some way. So when your husband watched you go and talk to the coach for a length of time he actually worried if his old insecurity was true. In his own mind he probably felt "see I knew I was somehow not good enough for her". Maybe in your husband's eyes this coach is younger, more fit, more carasmatic than him, and your son likes the coach and responds well with the coach and he sees you pleased with that. It's possible that your husband feels jealous. That perhaps it makes him "feel" inadequate seeing someone he thinks is getting respected more than him. And it's very possible that deep down he does love you, but feels inadequate in some way.

Your thread title says "no remorse from husband", and often in this kind of situation that is more about the other person actually thinking "see, she doesn't really care or really love me". There is an alone feeling that stems out of that, just as you yourself felt alone and ended up sharing here at PC. Now think about how it made you feel when you got all the responses you got, how others replied in ways that helped you not feel so alone with your challenged feelings. You shared more, even made friends too. Well, that is what happened with your husband too. He was struggling with his sense of value, his self worth, and he came across someone that somehow filled a need in him. Just as you are comforted by what you experience here, so was he by some person, a woman, online.

Sometimes Julie, it's not a partner that is being run away from, instead, it's the unhappiness that someone else is feeling inside about themselves. You don't want to talk to or see him because of how his behaviors have made you feel. Often that is a core challenge in someone who is going through the day to day grind but just isn't happy or isn't feeling appreciated. Honestly, that's what made me think about that true story about that bus driver tbh. It's also what made me think of a scene in Moon Struck where Olivia Dukakis happens to see that man get wine thrown in his face and gets walked out on. She/the viewer learned something in that scene about this man's unhappiness, unhappiness with himself. Then someone notices him and for a little while he feels good or worthy again but "it doesn't last".

Well, your husband should have gone to see a therapist, but, he ended up spending time with some woman that is compassionate and sits and listens to him instead. It's the attention he is drawn to, not her. In your thread here you have more than one showing interest in your challenge right? And maybe there is one that seems to get to how you feel more than others. Is that not dissimilar to your husband and him interacting with more than one woman on social media? Most if not all the replies you are getting are from women in your thread right? That is probably what your husband experienced as well.

SweetPotatoe is right in saying that most will advise to divorce and cut yourself free. But that is not always what is really needed when it comes to relationship challenges. And I think the coach you talked to mentioned how he had problems, but they were resolved.

I don't think it's a bad thing that you and your husband typically went to games together either. The problem that stands out to me when it comes to that is how your husband developed a jealousy of the coach. That's an inadequacy issue your husband is challenged with in himself. And that's part of why I did not really want to feed the betrayl you are feeling and instead while I agree your husband definitely made bad choices, I think that you want to step back and think about the overall picture. And while I do not want you to slip into self blaming, it's important to step back and evaluate how you may have unknowingly contributed to his feelings of inadequacy. And why is your son angry and blaming his father? What has been lacking in his relationship with his father? Perhaps his father doesn't know how to be present for him the way he needs him to be. A father can go to games and practices but not be present. This can happen when the parent is nursing their own unhappiness and disenchantment with self and end up being present but not present.

Years ago I read something very interesting about Stephen Speilburg. His parents ended up getting a divorce and for most his life he blamed that on his father. Actually, many of his movies are about children that have single mothers and the mothers are typically a bit niave and funloving. Well, it was not until later in Speilburg's life that he found out the divorce happened not because of his father, but it was his mother that cheated. His father in fact worked very hard to support his family and he did not cheat and he actually did love his family. Stephen Speilburg shared that he was fortunate that his father was still living so he could go to him and apologize for not seeing the truth and distancing. Stephen realized that his father must have been hurt by his mother's infedelities. We enjoy these movies Stephen created not realizing why there was a lack of "presence" of a father in them. And Stephen carried a resentment for his father for many years, until he learned the truth.

You mentioned your husband is a good father? Well, why doesn't your son feel that way about him, what is missing? How can your husband learn to be more "present" for his son, something is missing and your husband feels that but doesn't know how to change it. A parent can let a child down in ways the parent doesn't even realize. A child can feel let down not even realizing why too as was the case with Stephen who created that same theme in many of his movies of the "abscent father".

It's also very telling that your husband distanced but chose to go back home with his parents too. He is looking for guidance and is doing so in the wrong places. He probably doesn't even know how to articulate what he is feeling, what he is going through and why he is unhappy.

While we may joke about midlife crisis, it's really no joke and can be a very challenging time in one's life. A person can feel lost in many ways, and isn't really present but lost and looking for ways to feel present somehow. And this can be a vulnerable time where one can come across another person who somehow helps them feel present. Much like the man who sat with Olivia in that scene talked about with her. He lost sight of who he was and he chose to walk her home because she gave him some guidance and she did not invite him in to her home even though her husband was not home. She explained to him "I am married, and I know who I am", that's why it's time for you to leave.

OpenEyes

I just love your responses! They are sooo well written and thoughtful. I love to hear your opinion. I have to say today I'm in a better head space. I can think a bit more clearly. Although I am still very angry and hurt, I'm trying to look at things from different angles. When we had the talk before he left, he did say he was not happy and "depressed" . Looking back at that, I realize how big of a deal it is that he used that word , depressed. He never talked like that in the past. I do think he is depressed, and that he needs help. I know in the past he's been insecure, but I thought he changed. The coach isnt younger, actually 2 years old, but he is the polar opposite of husband. They get along great usually. We have known this man for at least 6 years so this isn't a new relationship. He and I have always gotten each other because we are introverts who are married to extroverts. I can't remember if I said what
the coach once said at a party, where drinking was involved, that if we met at another time, we would probably be married. Outloud to everyone. I said no way we'd kill each other! At the time, I kinda blew it off, but looking back, that's probably around the time my husbands problems started to come into a little bit of focus.

I saw husband again yesterday. Went okay. Civil but awkward. The one thing that stood out was i was walking up the the field. Husband already there. I happened to run into coach on the way up . The look on husbands face when he saw us together was.... hard to describe. I think it might have been some anger, but it was gone so quick. my self esteem is practically non existent so when the comments are are made by coach, i don't see them as flirtatious. Maybe husband does.

I understand husband has issues, but right now i need to focus on my own sanity. Maybe after we have the talk, we can work on his too if he wants to and if i do too. i should not be seeing him until monday so we will see how it goes.

I'm already realizing some of my culpability in this along with my own issues with possible depression. I know things that I could have done differently. It just that right now I don't trust him and i don't know if I can get over .that. Lots more work for both of us I think.

It’s completely understandable that you are feeling the way you do about trust. We can accept a lot of things another person may not do but those can be tolerable. Yet when a partner strays that’s creates a grievous disappointment and sense of betrayal.

We always can look back and recognize things we could have done differently. However we all learn as we go and we all tend to choose what we know as we navigate trough our lives. I respect your willingness to see how you may have missed things and would do differently if you could go back. Thing is we do not get a redo and can only proceed forwards with what we learn and hope to navigate better When it comes to trust, that is something that both in a relationship has to work on rebuilding.

In my opinion from reading what you have shared though is the person your husband cheated was in fact himself. Perhaps that’s where the lack of remorse really lies too. Depression tends to come from anger and self disappointment turned inward on self.

I see what you're saying. Only time will tell if he has true remorse. Named this thread that at the beginning because I was soooo angry. I caught him in the act of texting a woman. Of course he was defensive. Part of the problem with us is maybe I didn't call him out on his bull enough. I haven't seen that look on his face since high school! and I took me awhile to figure out what that look was. I hope he has remorse in the future about his actions, regardless of where we end up. All I know at this point, our relationship has changed for good whether we get back together or not. I can't go back to keeping things to myself and not speaking my mind. I also need to start making choices on my own. I have already started that and it has made me feel better. Cant see going backwards at this time. I have some changing to do and so does he. If after that were okay, great. If not, i'll be heartbroken but I'll survive. I need changes too. This seems like its no longer all about him

Well it’s probable that you are both experiencing mid life challenges. It tends to creep up on most of us.

Progress!!!!

There has been an issue in our marriage for quite a few years between husband and I. Our oldest came out as tranmasc a few years ago. It didnt go very well at first to be honest. I have done my research and support my child 100%. He isn't completely out to the family yet by his choice so we haven't told any friends yet.

Husband did not take it well at all and kept calling him by his deadname and using wrong nouns. Then got him to call him by childhood nickname, but still used wrong pronouns. He refused to to talk about this at all, and he would become annoyed when I would use name and pronouns.

In our second heart to heart after separation, he brought up to me that he felt like I was pushing our child to be trans because I was doing all this research and work. I was taken aback. That's the first time i ever heard that. He said if oldest wanted it, he should work for it. I told him that I did research and thought I knew more than kid. Boy was I wrong!!! Told husband "He knows more than you can imagine but..." and he cut me off and said"she didn't feel comfortable enough to come to us" I was shocked!!! He got it

So today oldest got news they were accepted to college! SO excited! Asked if Dad knew he said yes. So after some reluctance I texted him to share the news. He very happy, and then I noticed something in the text.... He was using the correct pronouns!!!! I couldn't believe it! I felt this warranted at phone call. I call and said I noticed his pronoun use and it made me very happy.. He said its hard but he's trying. He seemed very pleased I noticed and went out of my way to tell him. I told him thank you, that by him using the pronouns made me feel heard by him, something I haven't felt in a long time. ANd I told him that in those words. Pleasant interaction. Cant believe hes finally come around a bit. I just don't want my child and their relationship destroyed.

Its turned into a not so bad day!

Good that your husband is trying to accept. It’s a challenge to understand and accept. And it’s still relatively new and not so much something you and your husband were exposed to when you were younger either.

Exactly! I'm just glad it sounds like he's doing some soul searching on this brek instead of just running around. Maybe hes willing to do some work, at least for our kids

Julielynn Im going through something very similar as your situation with you husband. I can totally understand what you are feeling. I say give yourself time to digest everything that happened. I know it’s very hard to have your marriage fall apart in minutes specially when you thought your marriage fine. Feel all the feels and know that you don’t have to rush into making any decisions. Hugs and know that self love and self care is very important during this time. Be gentle with yourself and don’t try to act out if anger as you don’t want to look back and regret your actions. I’m here for support.

The important thing to remember when it comes to our children is it's our responsibility is to help them develop their own identity and support whatever they choose, As long as it's not becoming a drug addict or criminal or something along those lines.

Thank you Luna 34. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this with your own husband. As the saying goes...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! Feel free to contact me any time to share or just vent. It can be private of course. I have found writing out my thoughts and feelings has helped so much at this time. There are wonderful people on here who listen and great advice! Keep strong! I know I'm trying to

I guess I really suppressed how much the issue with our oldest child was affecting me and my marriage. when talking to mom and friend they both pointed out how much I hated the feeling of being pulled in two different directions. I must have talked about it more than I realized. Talked about it with everybody but husband. I really suppressed it. I'm trying not to anymore. I'm trying to be honest with myself about what I wasn't happy with in this marriage.

You were just trying to be a good mother, being protective and trying to respect your children's feelings and needs and advocate for them. I commend you for making it a point to learn about this challenge and genuinely wanting your child to navigate this challenge with your support. Your husband struggled to accept this and as the mother you wanted to protect your child and advocated even though you faced your husband's struggle with accepting this particular challenge.

A challenge like this can definitely affect one's marriage and you were pulled in two different directions. Our children are not there to live life according to our needs and wants. They need to have permission to live their own lives. Though they are our children we do not "own" them, they are their own beings and it's our job as a parent to help them learn to navigate the way THEY want with who they are.

What your husband is missing about this challenge is as he is trying to deny the reality of this, so was his child who more than likely wanted to be what is considered more "normal". My daughter has dyslexia, I had to learn about it, had help from Yale to let me know how to help her learn and what her challenged areas were. When she learned she was different, she had been treated badly by her piers and she struggled wishing she did not have this challenge. It's simply how her brain is wired and even though she struggled with some things, she happened to excel in other things. I did not have a problem with my husband accepting her dyslexia in that he has it too. The problem was more in him having patience with her. My husband is extroverted and very active as he also has ADHD, something I had to learn about too. I am a much deeper thinker then he is and he gets very impatient.

We are learning more and more about how individuals simply have brains that are wired differently. Some have bipolar, some dyslexia or adhd or with aspergers or autism for example, and yes some gay or trans. If we sit in a crowded place and just look around us, people come in all shapes and sizes. Some inherit little noses, some bigger noses, some have red hair, some black, some light skinned, some darker skinned, different blood types the list is endless. When we have a child we produce something that develops from quite a range of genetics. As a parent one has to accept whatever they produce and help that life you create to have a quality life in whatever way their genetics allow.

What just came to my mind is the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". That movie was funny but also had some good messages in it. I liked the part where the mother explained to the daughter, "Yes, your father is the head of the family, but I am the neck that turns the head". The mother had to work on helping her husband accept that his daughter was not going to do or be what he wanted. Some of the ways the mother handled him was so funny. I think that is often what we as mothers and women have to learn to do. Your husband is pouting like the father did in that movie. Some are apples and some are oranges, but in the end we are all fruit.

You are absolutely correct again. I'm just happy that he's making the effort finally. Its funny... our youngest was diagnosed with ADHD in 1st grade. I felt like he had it much earlier, and husband fought me on that too for a bit. He finally agreed when in Kindergarten youngest yelled out "I cant think! My brain is fuzzy!" It just seems like he doesn't want to deal with the realities of raising kids sometimes, but he has made progress thank goodness. I guess husband just has some growing up to do. Better late than never

Do you think it's possible your husband has ADHD? It's hereditary so that's why I asked.

Thank you.. I appreciate the offer. I’m here if you want to vent or talk. As this can be a very lonely journey.

We've talked about it briefly. I know it runs on my side, but it is something to think about. Maybe I will if and when we get to talking. He's never been impulse before this though he has expressed difficulty sitting thru meetings and such. I just don't know how receptive he will be, but I will keep it in the back of my mind.

Some have it and just don’t know. My husband has it and he didn’t know. I had to learn about it. They can be impatient and can have a hard time sitting still unless they are watching something that has action. They can be extroverted. They have a hard time sitting and listening for too long. I am sure you know this if your son has it.

My therapists wife has it and his son has it too. He is more introverted. His wife has struggled with depression. His wife has it yet has a genius IQ so it’s not indicative to lack of intellect.

OpenEyes

It is something to think about. My son"s case of ADHD is very mild now that he's older. No behaviors, just focus issues. Most people are shocked to hear he has it.I've made sure that son isn't ashamed of his ADHD. Its something he has, not who he is. I think this could be something to bring up in therapy if we go the route of couples therapy. Thanks for your insight!

Actually Julie, from what you have shared I think your husband would benefit by seeing a therapist for himself. It could be and may very well be that your husband strayed simply because he was lonely with his challenged feelings and happened to come across someone that was sympathetic and that's really what he was drawn to. When the wife is giving all her compassion and attention to her children, the husband can begin to feel left out and get lonely and even depressed.

When you faced that challenge with your oldest child, you made it a point to research what that challenge meant so you could interact with this oldest and nurture and help with the navigation of dealing with that challenge. It was not an easy thing for you to navigate either, but, you want to be a good parent and you want to be there for this oldest the way that is needed. Your husband genuinely struggled with this challenge, and it contributed to his feeling powerless. His delay in using the right name and pronouns was showing that he was struggling with understanding this challenge, it frightened him and he was showing his unwillingness or discomfort with his own feelings. Actually, this is not all that different from how your youngest has gotten quiet and distant. And has not been connecting with his father the way he needs. You sense something is wrong and you sat and comforted him. You did something your husband doesn't know how to do and it can make him not only experience a sense of inadequacy, but also a bit of jealousy as well. And jealousy can mean seeing someone else handle something that you don't know how to handle but would like to, and also wishing someone would sit with you and help with how you feel and yet you feel left alone with how you feel. It's not all that different in what motivated you to reach out here to these forums. And that the responses you are getting are helping you to not feel so alone with all you are dealing with too.

You have been experiencing a lot of emotions with this challenge, totally understandable as you definitely have some challenges and you are at a loss of what to do and how to navigate forward. Well, this is how your husband has been feeling and it has made him unhappy and depressed and lonely which made him vulnerable to reaching out to the wrong place. However, as I mentioned, he has also spent time with his parents too. It's probable that he did that because he is hoping to find some sort of comfort there, a way of distancing himself because he is lost and doesn't know how to navigate all these challenges he is experiencing.

You have stepped back and you have been noticing things, signs your husband was straying in a way. Yet, when you think about the bigger picture, you have to look at everything because there is quite a bit there that you have been slowly sharing and unpacking here with members trying to support you with what you do share.

The thing about raising children Julie is that we are also raising them in a new generation too. Each generation presents changes that parents are not always quite ready for. As we are raising our children, we as parents are also still learning and growing too. We do not have all the answers and there are things we miss too. I know that when I was growing up in my generation, I never was exposed to what you and your husband are trying to deal with in your oldest. I have faced a lot of challenges, including infedility that I did not know how to navigate.

With each tier we face as we go through our lives, we face new challenges and truth be told, we are learning through our entire lives. When we are in our teens, we are learning about what it means to live in our teens and we tend to look at our piers and as we do that we are trying to learn how to navigate a variety of personalities and behaviors. We are also looking for ways to connect too because it's simply in our nature to do so. Then we face our twenties and we learn how to navigate that period in life, then we have to learn how to navigate our thirties which is different than our twenties, and then our fourties and by the time we hit our fifties, we go through changes in our bodies where we are becoming more aware of how much we are changing in ways that aint so great. And if we happen to have teenagers, we are now facing challenges where we have individuals that have opinions and needs and are becoming their own person too. And our teenagers are often in a very different kind of generation that we ourselves had not experienced. Often as they are trying to navigate, truth is so are we as the parent. (our teens tend to think we should JUST know and have the answers, but lets face it, we don't have all the answers)

Truth is, we can get so busy navigating the challenges we face that we can actually forget who we are too, that we somehow lost touch with who we are. It's also a bit different for men than it is for women too. Some couples get so busy they lose their connection with each other. It can be as if they live two separate lives, not even realizing it either yet it just seems to happen while they navigate their lives.

Well, you have been together for 33 years and navigated some of these tiers and it's now at a point where something new is taking place and a lot of couples experience this in some way. When feeding the emotions, one can make the mistake of throwing the baby out with the bathwater so to speak. It's one thing if your partner has not been there or loyal throughout the relationship, or you faced alcoholism or constant emotional abuse in some way, that can mean it's best to make a break. Yet, that's why it's important to take the time to unpack and examine the bigger picture. We can get to a tier in our lives that is more difficult than the rest, a period of confusion and questioning one's navigation, perhaps something needs to change that one doesn't know but feels the strain of. To assume a partner should "just" know is a mistake, because the truth is often a partner doesn't know and feels lost and lonely. This is when one needs to learn how to listen, as often it's expressed in a way that is missed and even the one struggling doesn't quite understand it either. We don't get to trade places with our partner, we can get so we don't really know our partner's personal challenges every day or their personal stresses or challenges they are struggling with but don't talk about very much. You say you let him have control of this or that, but what is it like to have those responsiblities? There are pressures and challenges we may not realize. And that's why a marriage counselor can help and get a couple to learn how to reconnect again or decide that there is not path to reconnection. It depends on the individuals and the history of their relationship.

Open Eyes

Are you a therapist? Haha! I just cant get over how much thought and insight you have into all my issues right now! I totally agree that husband would benefit greatly from so therapy. I hope he does it. Its one of the things I plan to bring up in The Talk. I feel couples therapy is the only way we will be able to even try to stay together. My biggest problem is me right now. I overthink and overanalyze even one of our interactions. I'm also the type of person who needs answers right away. This waiting is killing me, but I'm also aware that things could be much worse between us. He's talking to me opening about money now which I appreciate. He has brought up a couple of issues we need to work on together in our finances which is great, but then I think of him texting that woman and my heart breaks again. It changes moment to moment but if i'm honest I think I would like to work things out. My problem is not knowing how he feels. I'm scared of being crushed if he comes to the table and isn't willing to work on us. Its just so hard the not knowing, but I'm trying to give him his space. I hope when this is all over we can be closer and more of a couple rather than just parents.

I have tried to put myself in his shoes with his responsibilities, and it is very hard. I just wish he would have talked to me about it all rather than keeping it all to himself. But if I'm honest... I might not have been the best person to talk to about it because i get soooo stressed out of that stuff. I still hurts that he felt the need to go outside our marriage. I did tell him I was starting therapy. He just said Oh. He might be watching what he says so to not set me off. I also want him to know my starting therapy isn't all about him. I need it for myself and felt that for some time. This has just been the catalyst to kick me into gear to go for it. Does that make sense?