no remorse from husband

Don't just assume your husband is having an active affair with this woman and is actually leaving you. It sounds to me from what you have shared that he is lost and confused. Some people who struggle and feel lost tend to run away and want to sit and think and have someone to talk to, someone that eases their sense of powerlessness. Some people do stupid things out of a personal sense of loss and desperation. Could be what your husband likes is simply being heard and getting attention.

Often couples drift apart from being busy and handling things that they don't spend time with each other sitting and talking like maybe they did a long time ago. In the movie "The Note Book" when she was away Noah was lonely and had a woman as company, but that's all she was to him, he did not "love" this other woman. If you were together but not really together a partner can begin to wonder if love is still there. It could be that your husband was lonely and you were so busy with your children you missed it. Men often have a hard time reaching out and articulating their feelings.

Once again I think you're right. We haven't done much for just us in a long time. That's one of things I plan to discuss at Our Talk. i think I was sooo busy with kids and my own feelings of depression that I missed the signs. I just wish we could talk now. I'm not going to push him however. I'm giving him his month. I think I need it too to work out my issues. I think you're right about the other woman. I don't know exactly how far its gone. She may have been an ear. I'm trying to not put too much emphasis on that. He wants to communicate, he's not abusive, and for that im thankful. Things could be a lot worse.

I cant thank you enough for you help in this situation. Your advice has become invaluable to me! Also your words have put a lot of things for me into perspective.

Also, when you do end up having the talk and it will be more than one talk. It's important that neither of your children, especially your oldest somehow thinks your challenge with your husband has anything to do with them. They "both" know something is wrong. My concern is for your oldest possibly thinking it has something to do with their choice. In that challenge there tends to be this drive to be and yet also wishing that drive was not there in "self" too. Also, for your younger one, the older child's choice may be stirring up his own insecurities too. Your youngest is at an age where there are still not many actual life skills and still many questions about navigating challenges, especially family challenges. Yet, also perhaps worried about what might happen if his piers were to find out.

You certainly have a lot to navigate through (((Julie))). It's ok to step back and even ask questions, we never JUST have all the answers.

Although I don’t post a lot here. I like to read all the advice given and it amazes me the compasión and understanding given to you by open eyes. Specially since it’s so easy for people who are not in this situation to be very harsh with their comments.

There you go reading my mind again!!! i have tried and will continue to try to keep the kids out of it as much as possible. I'm always thinking about what you said about my youngest. He is his siblings biggest ally and was able to use the new name and pronouns the fastest! I have always worried about what would happen in his friend group. I'm always on the lookout for any kind of problems. I feel my oldest and his issues are a symptom of a bigger problem with husband and marriage, not a problem in itself. Its our lack of communication. My kids seem to be doing okay, and they are both out right now behaving like teenagers instead of worrying about me so i'm thrilled!!!

I also realize there will be many talks in our future. The first one just seems like the biggest and the hardest ie. are we going to work on this or not.

Once again, thank you soooo much for your advice and wisdom!

I know you are trying to keep your children out of this challenge. Yet, our children pick up a lot more than we realize even when we try our best to not let them see how challenged we are.

That is so sweet that your youngest cares so much about his older sibling. He gets that from observing you so that's a big compliment. I think your youngest wants his father to be more understanding and is disappointed that he isn't.

Yes, and I touched on that in one of my posts. It sounds like your husband is into his own feelings too much instead of stepping back and thinking about his children's feelings. Our children are not there to please us, instead it's the other way around, we are there to help them learn and build up their OWN self esteem.

Did you happen to see the movie "Rocket Man" which is using Elton Johns Music along with showing his life complications? I loved Elton John's music when I began hearing it in my late teens. I thought he was so incredibly talented. Yet, he had challenges, he was gay and at that time being gay was often still hidden. He never was accepted by his father, and his mother was not such a good caring mother either. One thing his mother said was how he would never be loved in a normal way. Yet, he was loved by many and most never experience that kind of love. He has contributed some wonderful music that many still are enjoying and moved by. After watching that movie and learning more about him, I have even more respect for him tbh.

I haven't seen that movie yet. Ill have to check it out. I love Elton John and his music! I think that will be on the list for this weekend!

Good movie Julie. You watch it and see if it’s something your oldest might benefit from. Not sure but you can be the judge as you know him personally.

I'm a nervous wreak right now! Husband is coming over this morning to get some more clothes. Since he's never had to pack a bag himself, he has none of his warmer work clothes. At first I was concerned this was going to be more stuff, less likely to come back to the table. I don't feel that way anymore. I am however completely confused on how to act. I have a feeling he keeps waiting for me to blow my stack, or get weepy. I fight these urges every day. More for myself than for him. I m just so confused on how to act around him. I want him to know I care, but I don't want to come across as a doormat. I think my behavior is completely foreign to him. Quite frankly to me too! I scheduled therapy with out him. I going out of town for a few day without him. He seems concerned about if i'm going out and who i'm going out with. That completely shocks me!!!

I guess I'm writing for some advice and also to get my feelings out. I'm up early because sleeping is still hard, but I also want to get my exercise and shower in before he comes. I'm just trying to figure out how casual I need to be. Also, how to dress, if I wear makeup etc.... I usually don't wear makeup but I have been lately. I dont want him to think its for him cus its not!!!! Its for me . I guess I just answered my own question, huh? Haha!

Thanks for reading the ramblings of a sometime not so cool, calm and collected woman!

I think you want to know if he is actually seeing someone. It seems he is worried that you might be.

I think he is doing this for attention the most, yet he probably doesn't realize it. When he comes you can break the ice by thanking him again for how he talked to your older child. You can also say that you understand that it's hard to know how to navigate that challenge but that as parents we cannot pick our children's lives and all we can do is help them be who they are.

You can also be honest with him and tell him you are concerned that this challenge that has come up with your husband distancing may cause his children to think it's their fault. You can tell him you are concerned the children will feel abandoned. You can even say you are worried because you are feeling abandoned yourself. Tell your husband that because our children learn from what we do, that they may go off or leave if they are struggling instead of talking about it with us. You can be honest with him in that this has been hard for you to navigate yourself. And your children can also see that too.

See, you are thinking you need to use emotions with your husband when he comes, "how do I act?". It's not about acting but instead finding a way to communicate despite how confused you feel. You want your children to learn this too. Right now your husband is all about himself and his needs and yet he is acting out and not sitting and talking with you. And if he is lost he should be getting help with a therapist before he does something that will hurt others. You can say to him, "we should consider how our choices might affect our children, that's our responsiblity as their parents".

You are both no longer in high school where you run when you get scared or upset. You are adults now and you both need to sit and talk things out. And when you say that you should use the term "we". Otherwise he will go on the defensive. You can slip in that as parents we need to help our children feel it's ok to be who they are, we are not here to tell them how to be to please us.

The key Julie is to say things that he can think about and not things that cause him to run away. Your husband is being imature because he is struggling to navigate this stage of his life and the challenges he is facing in his children. He needs to know that it's "ok" to not know how to navigate and that you struggle with that yourself. But, running away isn't the answer either because you both have children that need both of you especially at this stage in their lives.

When something like this happens, it's important to see the bigger picture which is what I have been trying to help you with, rather than focusing on all your emotions. Emotions don't solve problems, instead emotions tell us we need to solve a problem.

The thing about emotions is they make us tired and yet keep us awake too. And often what happens with a couple is instead of talking and figuring out how to navigate, they tend to toss emotions back and forth. That's what a marriage counselor is supposed to help a couple sort through.

I don't think your husband really wants to leave you either, I think he loves you but he is at a stage in his life and experiencing challenges in his family and even at work where he is stuck and doesn't know how to navigate it all. So he ran home to his parents and talks to some woman who is willing to listen and offer sympathy of some kind. He doesn't want her he wants that from you. As a couple, you drifted apart and it happens when we get so busy trying to deal with family and meeting the expenses of having that family.

Often what happens is as one sees their child in their late teens having freedom to fly, they remember how that felt, yet notice how they don't have that but instead are like that bus driver, driving the same route day in and day out, til he got tired of that and one day just drove that bus for miles and miles, just to experience a change.

I know what you feel. this feeling is so bad. your world is collapsing. I will never forget this feeling. that bad feeling comes back a bit when I read your story. I sympathize with you. This is especially bad for partners who are committed to their marriage. These partners don't deserve it. You don't deserve this.
But I know a good book for you that might help you
Title is: Affair Recovery: Scientifically Proven Methods to Help You Heal and Forgive After Infidelity.

And I wish you the best of luck
You deserve better.

Well we talked today. It wasn't good.

First we talked finances. He explained to me our situation. I for the most part believed him only because I have done my own research. We will be okay but it will take time.

Next we went personal. He told me to ask any questions. So I did. He has been flirting with women online for a while. A person that he went out with behind my back in high school reached out to him December 2019. They began sleeping together February, April, May, July and August. She lives about 9 hours away and grew up here. He was supposed to go on a "business trip" in February but Covid happened. I guess she came here instead. She came here all the other times except July when he finally went on his "business trip". I basically asked if wanted out. He said no. He needs more time to think.

Im heartbroken and ashamed. HOw could he do this to us? His kids? I did tell him a couple of thing the kids said about him being selfish and he agreed. He's just no the man I married. I was hoping me would mayne have a chance to reconcile, but I don't feel like thats a possibility now. I cant ever trust him again. He said I'm his best friend , and that he has no friends. Then he kinda blamed me for his lack of friends. He doesn't seem to understand this is blowing up our entire family. When my kids find out, and they will because they are not babies, his relationships with them may not recover for a long time. He doesn't seem to care. He's trying to treat them as friends not his children and trying to buy their love.

I have my first appointment with a therapist this wednesday. Hes happy Im going but said flat out he doesn't need one or want one. He's happy now that he does nt have to come home every day. Said that was killing him. He just had no regards for my feelings t all.

The only flashed of something that came close to anything but better than all this came at a really weird section. He asked who all I told about all this. He claims to have told noone, not even parents. I said mom, friend, and friend/ hockey coach because he guessed and wouldn't let it go. He asked if coach hated him now.. I said I don't know. Husband said he just didn't want to be blindsided!!!. What the hell? And husband asked if coach and I were still talking. I said here and there which is truer, but it not his business I think. I think he's afraid these people will think less of him now. Oh well!

Any advice or kind would be appreciated . I'm sure Ill think of more stuff later as my memory is fuzzy.

I am sorry. It must be very painful. So he wasn’t just making innocent mistake texting other women and you now must forgive him for the sake of your children. He actively sleeps with other woman this whole year. You know of one woman, could be more. But one is enough.

Have you had sex with him since he started cheating? I urge you to see a doctor and do full STD panel. He also endangered you by sleeping around in the middle of pandemics.

It’s also possible he slept with other women here and there over the years. Cheaters usually don’t just do it once, it just came out once because he now decided to leave. It’s also obvious that he is still in a relationship with woman/women. That didn’t stop

He is happy that he doesn’t have to come home? And all he cares is if other people hate him? It’s ok to hurt his wife though. And who cares how she feels? Well sadly that’s your answer. I recommend talking to a lawyer ASAP. Of course it’s your decision what to do.

Thanks so much!I will check out this book. It's just such a shock to my system. I kept my cool the entire time and I really don't know how I did that. Im scared as hell to move on , but I think its time. I just have to get myself organized before I pull the trigger

He has hurt you, badly. His vows or loyalty towards his family clearly don't mean a thing.

I wouldn't even ask him if he wants out. I would throw him out.

He doesn't deserve you.

((((Julie)))), I am so sorry your talk ended up revealing some terrible truths like that. You did such a good job at remaining calm as you were hearing things that were so hard to hear. Honestly, if I had to hear what you heard, I would definitely not want to even try working on a relationship. Sometimes a person can show you a side of themselves that is a shocker. I would say this is one of those times that you are experiencing just that. And he is low and very selfish in sharing he is worried what others will think of him if you share what he has done? Huh, it's all about HIS own ego Julie, that's so selfish.

In learning about you so far, I see a very caring person and good mother. When someone is genuinely caring like that, facing this kind of challenge is especially hard. This is nothing you would ever do yourself, so facing this can blindside. Your husband is a coward Julie, that's what his conversation and even his behaviors have been slowly revealing. Your husband isn't capable of sitting in the trenches as a partner facing different life challenges. Instead he runs away, yet he doesn't want other people to see that about him.

You mentioned you were not happy either, well, if you think about it more it's most likely you felt alone in the trenches and while you were present for your children, your husband wasn't. Your husband did whatever was necessary for "appearance" sake, but he isn't capable of actually engaging in a meaningful way. And if you think about it, your children have both shown you their own disappointment when it comes to how they experience their father. Your husband mentioned that you were his best friend, but he clearly was not "yours".

You are the kind of person that cares and pays attention to your children's needs. You are thoughtful and loyal, but that's not the kind of person your husband is. For someone like you Julie, this kind of betrayl is extremely offensive. Yet, your husband NEVER had the kind of loyalty you have, and that's what you heard from him last night. I myself have been experiencing that kind of challenge and what I have been going through has been heart wrenching. My challenge has been with my older sister who has shown a side of herself to me that is so cold and cruel and mean, really mean to the point where her actions have traumatized me. I cared and loved someone that really never existed.

Sometimes a person can be jealous because they can't care and connect like you can Julie, they simply do not have that kind of depth to them. Your husband was not able to form a genuine connection with his children, and this tends to show up the most when children are in their teen years and are becoming their own identity.

You were willing to consider working on your relationship with your husband, willing to consider whatever you may have failed to do for him. HE can't do that, and that is what he laid out for you yesterday. Truth is, he had already thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Huh, is needs time to think, but not to think about you or even his children. He is looking to find a way to bail completely, except he worries about his reputation. So basically, "its all about himself" in this picture. Yes, he is basically abandoning his family except he is worried about his reputation.

It's going to be a challenge working through all the emotions you are going to experience. Yet, remember that emotions do tell us there is a problem that we need to solve. As you work through this challenge, your two children will be struggling as well. They both will need help to understand that what is happening is NOT their fault too. It's not a person's fault when someone is a coward and runs. And sometimes, we learn this in our own family too. In life people will let us down, sometime in big ways, but that's not our fault but more due to that other person's inability to care and step up to life challenges that require them to have more depth and courage then they have. We cannot base our self worth on someone like that. Some people are not "team" players.

So, now you have the hard facts and you will need to figure out how to move forward. Remember Julie, no one JUST knows. However, your husband does have responsiblities and whether he likes it or not he has to honor those responsiblities. He doesn't just get a free pass and get to fly away. This is where you will need a lawyer to help you. You have been a dependent and in most cases the husband has to pay alimony and child support. You have to have a home for your children and he will have to continue to support that. At least until your children are both adults. A lawyer will guide you through your rights.

Also, you let your husband make many choices while you raised your children and kept your home. Well, this is a time where you will need to step up and make choices of your own. Your husband had an affair behind your back for several months, don't let him make the decision about your relationship, it's clear he already has and doesn't respect you.

Things are still on his terms even though he is the one who cheated and now left you. He is still the one to decide if he wants out. Why is he the one to decide? Take your power back. It’s not his decision to stay or go. It’s your decision to not stay married to a man who had sexual affair for almost a year (that’s the one you know about, who knows how many were there). It’s not his decision to come or go. Kick him out of drivers seat and take your self esteem and power back.

Divorce isn’t good for the kids but parents living in dysfunction is way worse for the kids. They likely to find and stay with bad partners as well because that’s what they witness and it’s their normalcy.

I forgot if you already see a therapist. BuT please do. And see a lawyer ASAP

OpenEyes

Thank you again for your kind and thoughtful words. I do feel like my independence is coming back. We have had another short conversation today. I was not very accommodating or kind. He stopped over to pick up something. I let him because I just don't want to deal with him for a while and I figured rip off that bandaid.

He was trying to be chatty again. I shut that down pretty quick. Said he had popcorn for the kids. I said ok. You can have some too. I said PASS. He seems surprised. Went upstairs and youngest was home so they talked. Im ok with that. then he tried to chat again. I said I don't... and then stopped. He Seemed confused. He then said "Im so so sorry for all of this" I said No you're not. YOu sorry you got caught. But thanks for the apology 24 hours later... we had a calm back and forth in which he asked me "Do you want me to come home?" And I surprised even myself when I said NO. He looked genuinely surprised!!!! I did not expect him to say that, don't know why he did, but I was surprised with the quickness of my answer and so was he. I told him we need to stick to texting, only voice for important stuff. He agreed. I couldn't even look at him. So he said Im going to go now because you hate me and cant stand the sight of me. No argument here!! when he was on my porch I think he hit something because I heard a bang. I really dont know what the hell he wants from me. There was more but this is the highlights

His fear is for himself. Good for you for standing your ground. How could he think you would want him home after you just learned he engaged in an affair for all those months. What a selfish man he is.

Maybe this affair ain’t going so well.

I honestly dont think hes ahs thought any of this all the way through. He is a walking talking advertisement for midlife crisis! I think its finally hitting him how bad he's messed up, and I think my reaction to all of this is not what he thought he'd get. Im not begging or pleading for him to come home . I keep adding more boundaries and he is not used to me asserting myself. He may be seeing his future slipping through his fingers. It hurts but I'm trying to move on one way or another.

Julie, I have been thinking about this situation and I question how your husband could even think after just telling you the extent of this affair that it was ok to even ask you if you wanted him to move back home. And he said he doesn't need therapy but is ok if you need it? He doesn't have any remorse for what he did?

Did he say anything in your conversations that expressed remorse? From what you have shared it doesn't sound like he has, did I miss something?

Does he even understand love? How his actions can hurt others?

Okay. Today he apologised for everything he's done. It did seem sincere, but I just don't want to hear it. Not Now or maybe ever.

This is what I mean that he didn't think it through. He told me to ask any and all questions about whatever and he would be honest. So I did. He did say that he felt he had to be honest about the affair if we were to have any kind of future. Said if we got back together and then I found out that would be really bad..

He claims to still love me and still IN love with me..Said today she just made him feel good and young. I don't know what the hell he's thinking.

This is what I mean when I say I don't think he truly knows what he wants. You have to remember. I called him out on his behavior, he didn't come to me. I think he had no intention of telling me any time soon because yes its been 8 month, but she lives at least 9 hours away. They haven't spent much time together in the scheme of things. Enough for me but not enough to really get to know each other, quirks and all. No major alone time. So i think he was just riding this all out and then the guilt got to him. But what do I know

I once again gave him the cmon pull the trigger lets end this , but he wouldn't do it.

Why don’t you be the one to pull the trigger? An apology isn’t much. Actions speak louder than words. If he had any decency he would have ended it with you instead of sneaking around behind your back for 8 months. This means that for 8 months he’s lied about where he’s been and about what he’s been doing. He snuck around, talking to her and seeing her on the sly, while deceiving you. Can you really ever trust this man again? Would you be able to get past a long term affair and deceit?