[Have Hope]

I think my husband may be an abusive narcissist.

I am seeing a LOT of symptoms and signs:

1. He explodes whenever he is questioned or whenever I have confronted him
2. He needs constant attention from me and praise
3. He is very self centered: it's always about HIM, what HE wants and what HE needs
4. He is very arrogant and full of himself: he has an inflated EGO and an inflated sense of self importance
5. He is delusional: he thinks his father is a "great" man despite being abusive, sexist and racist
6. He thinks HE's the most wonderful and loving person, despite the abuse that I've confronted him with
7. He is quick to screw friends over and without remorse: I've witnessed him treating others in an exploitative manner
8. He doesn't show much empathy when I am going through turmoil and upset
9. He is a liar yet demands that I implicitly trust him despite several occasions of dishonesty - he defends his so-called high level of "integrity" by yelling at me, acting as though he has always been honest with me when I keep catching him in lies, deceit and contradictions
10. And now he is a thief

[Yaowen]

Dear Have Hope,

I don't know enough to have an educated opinion, but I am so very, very sorry you are in an unhappy situation. It is heartbreaking.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

Dear Have Hope,

I don't know enough to have an educated opinion, but I am so very, very sorry you are in an unhappy situation. It is heartbreaking.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Thank you soooo much.

It is most unhappy, and very unsettling for certain!

[MsLady]

At this point, it really doesn't matter if he is or isn't. He has enough concerning behaviours to justify your reason to leave. Stay strong and don't doubt yourself. He'll likely love bomb you every time he suspects you're acting off. Keep that in the forefront.

What's your exit plan, exactly?

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by MsLady

At this point, it really doesn't matter if he is or isn't. He has enough concerning behaviours to justify your reason to leave. Stay strong and don't doubt yourself. He'll likely love bomb you every time he suspects you're acting off. Keep that in the forefront.

What's your exit plan, exactly?

Oh yes. I’m aware now of all the manipulations. I won’t feed into them.

I am changing therapists to help me with my exit plan. I found one that has dealt with abusive relationships and divorce. We have an appt next Thursday.

Hey Have Hope,

Those traits may be considered as very alarming and they may strongly suggest that you're dealing with a narc but you can't be the judge. Why?

First of all, sociopaths and psychopaths show very similar behavioral traits. It takes years of theraphy for the professional to tell the difference.

Secondly, with all due respect it's you say... it's your observations/opinions and I assume you have strong (perhaps negative) feelings for this man, especially right now. I am not defending him, just saying you're probably in distress and you may see things a little bit different.

The last but not least, I've been around long enough to know it's extremely difficult to say if someone is a real narc

Consider those traits to be enough to ditch him with no regret though. Honestly, the guy sounds like a definition of a loose cannon.

[divine1966]

Sometimes people are just jerks or are just not nice people, no diagnosis needed. I don’t really trust narcissism diagnosis in all cases. In a long run it doesn’t even matter.

[Have Hope]

He is a loose canon for sure and I have enough reasons for divorce.

I suppose I was looking for validation of my experience and perception of him as being a narcissist, which I believe is true. I was gaslighted by my own father, therefore I constantly second guess my perceptions. I should have greater confidence.

Why does it matter? It matters. I need to know what I’ve been dealing with so that I can identify it accurately in order to heal from it in therapy. IF he's a narcissist, I have a pattern of getting involved with abusive narcs... see the importance? I need to know. My dad is one hence my patterns.

Divine, my husband is far more than just a jerk. The behaviors he exhibits are pathological in nature. I’ve studied enough about pathology through graduate work, through my prior professional life in social work, and through my own independent studies. It’s pathological, how he behaves, and it’s more serious than just having married an a hole.

I should have been a therapist. I can identify these things better than most therapists I’ve had.

Good news is I don’t love him. Yes the emotions I feel are raw and I am upset by things in my relationship, but I see the full picture now and I no longer feel love for him.

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Why does it matter? It matters. I need to know what I’ve been dealing with so that I can identify it accurately in order to heal from it in therapy.

You've been dealing with a troubled person. The only treatment you need is to discard that individual (my favourite , sorry for dark humor).

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Good news is I don’t love him. Yes the emotions I feel are raw and I am upset by things in my relationship, but I see the full picture now and I no longer feel love for him.

I've been struggling with emotions for quite a while and I had very deep seated inability to recognize my own feelings, especially in distress. I believe the crucial point for you is to think... and rethink... and think again... and point out the exact things/situations/outcomes that keep you awake at night. Then find reasons why it happened and how to avoid it in the future. Type it all down if you're okay with it. And then you'll find at least some peace.

[MickeyCheeky]

i can't say for sure but i certainly do think he is exhibiting abusive and dangerous behavior based on Your writings. Good on You for recognizing that! Do what is possible now. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @Have Hope, Your Family, Your FriEnds, Your Husband and ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

You've been dealing with a troubled person. The only treatment you need is to discard that individual (my favourite , sorry for dark humor).

I've been struggling with emotions for quite a while and I had very deep seated inability to recognize my own feelings, especially in distress. I believe the crucial point for you is to think... and rethink... and think again... and point out the exact things/situations/outcomes that keep you awake at night. Then find reasons why it happened and how to avoid it in the future. Type it all down if you're okay with it. And then you'll find at least some peace.

Thank you for your input and thoughts.

I do keep a journal -- of everything that's happened AND of all of my emotions as they occur. I re-read my different journal entries often, and this is what helps me to identify my emotions, while in turmoil.

He is to be discarded. He is not worthy of ME at all, OR of my love. This is not love, it's abuse, and it's toxic and most unhealthy. I see that he does not truly love me. He wants to control me, dominate me, demean, diminish, and subjugate me. That is NOT love.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

i can't say for sure but i certainly do think he is exhibiting abusive and dangerous behavior based on Your writings. Good on You for recognizing that! Do what is possible now. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @Have Hope, Your Family, Your FriEnds, Your Husband and ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

@MickeyCheeky, thank you.

I called the police one night recently while in a blackout drunken state, while he was also raging at me. I don't recall what happened, but my sister told me I called her saying I was afraid of him. That's why I called the police.

I knew I had a reason that I called them. I just couldn't remember the details of what occurred that night specifically. So, yeah, he raged at me again.

And that's the end of it for me.

[Have Hope]

I guess I already have my answers. I have a lot of work to do in therapy. I second guess myself all the time, even at work.

Try to relax. It's so important... in my case 2-3 nights off during the week... no thinking... phone off... just playing silly GTA like a kid... makes a tremendous difference.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

Try to relax. It's so important... in my case 2-3 nights off during the week... no thinking... phone off... just playing silly GTA like a kid... makes a tremendous difference.

My brain never rests. 24/7 I am thinking, thinking, thinking.

I need a meditation practice or something to distract me.

Thank you for the suggestion. I need to do something like this for myself. I am too immersed in the problems and crisis at hand.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I think my husband may be an abusive narcissist.

I am seeing a LOT of symptoms and signs:

1. He explodes whenever he is questioned or whenever I have confronted him
2. He needs constant attention from me and praise
3. He is very self centered: it's always about HIM, what HE wants and what HE needs
4. He is very arrogant and full of himself: he has an inflated EGO and an inflated sense of self importance
5. He is delusional: he thinks his father is a "great" man despite being abusive, sexist and racist
6. He thinks HE's the most wonderful and loving person, despite the abuse that I've confronted him with
7. He is quick to screw friends over and without remorse: I've witnessed him treating others in an exploitative manner
8. He doesn't show much empathy when I am going through turmoil and upset
9. He is a liar yet demands that I implicitly trust him despite several occasions of dishonesty - he defends his so-called high level of "integrity" by yelling at me, acting as though he has always been honest with me when I keep catching him in lies, deceit and contradictions
10. And now he is a thief

Sounds like a psychopathic narcissist. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. He sounds truly awful. He will never change.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Sounds like a psychopathic narcissist. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. He sounds truly awful. He will never change.

Thank you.

It is horrific, to be honest. Yes.

[KBMK]

I also think that NPD is almost impossible to diagnose, but it seems he is a whole lot more narcissistic than you are, and the abuse is narcissistic in the sense that he acts like he's entitled to abuse your trust and exploit you, and any backlash is viewed as inconvenient. He basically acts as though he is more deserving, which is narcissistic. He could get duped in the same way by someone even more narcissistic than himself. There just isn't enough balance for your marriage to be sustainable, and I think you're doing amazing to see it for what it is. Hope you can find your way out soon

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by KBMK

I also think that NPD is almost impossible to diagnose, but it seems he is a whole lot more narcissistic than you are, and the abuse is narcissistic in the sense that he acts like he's entitled to abuse your trust and exploit you, and any backlash is viewed as inconvenient. He basically acts as though he is more deserving, which is narcissistic. He could get duped in the same way by someone even more narcissistic than himself. There just isn't enough balance for your marriage to be sustainable, and I think you're doing amazing to see it for what it is. Hope you can find your way out soon

@KBMK, thanks for your input and support. I'm curious: do you see ME as being narcissistic? You said he seems a whole lot more narcissistic than I am, implying I am a bit narcissistic?

[KBMK]

I think every person has narcissistic traits. It's necessary for survival. I think you are probably less narcissistic than average, which is why you've put a lot into a relationship that hasn't served you so well. Codependency is almost opposite of narcissism...and I would guess that you have a bit of an issue with codependency, and in this situation your in it's actually important to be thinking about what you can get out of it for yourself (thinking more like the narcissistic one, basically). Hope that makes more sense

[Have Hope]

This is a narcissist. I am none of these things -- I am not even sure why it would be stated "he is more narcissistic than you are".

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by KBMK

I think every person has narcissistic traits. It's necessary for survival. I think you are probably less narcissistic than average, which is why you've put a lot into a relationship that hasn't served you so well. Codependency is almost opposite of narcissism...and I would guess that you have a bit of an issue with codependency, and in this situation your in it's actually important to be thinking about what you can get out of it for yourself (thinking more like the narcissistic one, basically). Hope that makes more sense

@KBMK, I usually appreciate all your posts, but please do not try to diagnose me or try to tell me what disorders I may have. You are not a therapist.

I asked in this thread for opinions about my husband.

Narcissism should not be used lightly or labeled lightly.

[KBMK]

Narcissistic Personality Quiz | Psych Central

Symptoms of Codependency

Some people say that narcissists are codependent, but I don't believe that they think they need anything from anyone, as much as they think they deserve everything from everyone

[KBMK]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

@KBMK, I usually appreciate all your posts, but please do not try to diagnose me or try to tell me what disorders I may have. You are not a therapist.

I asked in this thread for opinions about my husband.

Apologies. It wasn't meant at all as a diagnosis, just an observation of your differences!

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by KBMK

Narcissistic Personality Quiz | Psych Central

Symptoms of Codependency

Some people say that narcissists are codependent, but I don't believe that they think they need anything from anyone, as much as they think they deserve everything from everyone

I USED to be more codependent and I have grown beyond it.

Let's stick to my husband. I don't want to be analyzed in this thread. This is about him, not me. Analysis is for my therapist. Thanks!