I think my husband may be a narcissist? What do you think?

Thank you@Bill3!!

I am getting really frustrated with these Facebook groups. Two people tried to tell me (DICTATE rather) that I "grey rock" my husband whenever he is controlling, abusive or disrespectful. NO -- in order to preserve my self respect and self worth, I need to stand. up to him each time, call him out on his behavior and push back with him. I refuse to go grey rock and allow him to abuse me. That will send my self esteem down a downward spiral. I. had to tell these women THREE times "let me handle this the way in which I need to handle it". GEEZ!

I am also going crazy over how my husband carries a completely false facade in front of ALL his friends, who all think he's just "so awesome" and "such a great guy". It irks me to no end that abusers can hold high esteem in the community and with their own group of friends, yet abuse horrifically behind closed doors where no one witnesses it except for the victim.

It makes me ILL that my husband's friends all think he's the most incredible person. Absolutely ILL. They just love and adore him. He has managed to wrap them all around his finger with deceit and manipulation. If they only knew the truth!!!!!!

And that's one of the most painful parts of abuse: is that it is hidden, it is unknown, and the victim is all alone in their experience.

I don't know if it'll help, but when I left my ex I made minimal communications with his family, and friends that were not my friends before the relationship. It was my choice not to share what had happened, and one I questioned a lot. I am in touch with someone now, who became a very close mutual friend, who my ex rejected some time after our relationship ended. This friend always encouraged a healthy relationship and I know he questioned my ex for the reasons for the breakup. We still haven't got into talking about the details of my ex's behaviour, but he is very angry about the way he was treated and knows that I was very angry about the way I was treated too. I would just suggest to take your own time, do what feels right to you, and don't assume that he has anyone totally convinced of anything. It's quite likely that a lot of people suspect he isn't treating you well, but they wouldn't necessarily have the courage to confront their suspicions. Confronting the facts in the way you're doing, takes a lot of courage and determination

Thank you!

He blames his ex wife for everything that happened in his first marriage. He calls her the "dragon lady", accusing HER of abuse, and only tells nightmare stories that of course portray her as unstable and abusive and him as being perfect.

This is exactly why I want to avoid blaming him and avoid mentioning his abuse towards me when I do end it. I don't want him slandering me to any of our mutual friends. If I do accuse him and blame him, I am 100% convinced he will treat me just as he did his ex wife and that he will go on a smear campaign. He is shameless.

That's why my plan involves no accusations and no blaming or finger pointing. I simply want to tell him that the relationship and marriage do not work for me anymore, that the relationship has run its course from my perspective, that my feelings for him have changed, and that I'd like as amicable a breakup and divorce as possible. This way, it diffuses the situation entirely. And one cannot argue with any of that... not really.

I don't know if his friends suspect anything. They all just seriously adore him and embrace him. I've heard over and over from each of them, "I just love Kenny" and "this man is just SO awesome!"

He hides his true self from all of them. And that's the scary part to me.

He will discredit you in their eyes the moment things go bad.

If you'll ever feel threatened or hurt by his fake facade I may have an advice. Speaking from dou....bag point of view, I'd like to gently remind you that we live in a modern world that offers us endless posibilities of secret audio and video recording! Just in case things go dark and nobody is gonna believe you which is more than likely if he's a real narc.

He may still do that. I took 12 screenshots of texts between us proving his repeated abuse towards me, and showing his apologies. IF he goes down the road of slandering me and going on a smear campaign, I will fight fire with fire and I WILL retaliate. I will not take it lying down.

He may convince them you're crazy enough to fabricate the texts. Go further, get an audio or video. I'm sorry to say it but if I didn't get the treatment and I was him I'd totally discredit your screenshots. It'd be a piece of cake.

Have Hope you have to understand that for narc reputation is everything. Losing it is life-threatening. There is no line. Take this very seriously.

Yeah.... I hear you. I really hope it does not come to this type of knock down drag out war. I want to avoid this altogether. But I am also anticipating a potential war.... so I must be prepared for anything. If I can snag a video of him raging at me next time, I will.

I do - that's why I plan on not using ANY blame toward him when I announce a divorce. I am not going to blame, accuse, finger point or criticize him in any way.

And I will inform him that nothing between us, any of our personal issues, will be shared with anyone. And that I would appreciate the same. What he chooses to do after that, is HIS choice.

My closest friends and confidantes all know the truth about him anyways. My extended shared circle? They're not friends, but are just acquaintances.

I have to be strong and do this for my well being, regardless of any repercussions and costs to myself.

My goal is to end things very amicably. My goal is also complete self protection. I will tell him that I'd like to end this amicably and on good terms. I will fake everything if I have to, and will I bury the hatchet out of sheer necessity.

And the thing is..... I am not angry right now, nor am I enraged. I see that he has a disorder and that he is mentally and emotionally incapable of being in a healthy relationship with me. I don't feel sorry for him, but I see him for the damaged person he is. And I do think it's very sad. He has a LOT of personal trauma, of which he is not even aware. He has years of individual therapy ahead of him, IF he ever wants to get better and if he truly wants a healthy relationship. Otherwise, the pattern will just repeat itself again, and he will abuse the next woman too.

I have a new therapist with whom I will speak with on Thursday who is experienced in domestic abuse and in extricating oneself from a difficult relationship. I am looking forward to this call with him.

This is very important to understand. It never was a personal thing against you. He's limited in to what he can do to show his love to anyone. Keep that in mind during your own healing. You fell for it because he showed kindness and you were at a place in your life where you wanted to settle down. These behaviours are not easy to spot until a pattern has been developed which takes time. . so cut yourself some slack.

That's a great point that you have done NOTHING to deserve this. It's impossible to understand the kind of mindset he has until you have gone through such things as you've gone through. I think it's important to realise, also that you are VERY different people and when you get through this you will have learned SO much about your own power and courage in the face of adversity. I was lucky in my divorce that we didn't have much shared assets, but I did have some inheritance. There was no cooperation whatever on his part. I think your wish to separate amicably is noble, but no necessarily realistic. If your husband is aware that you are leaving him (taking all the comfort you offer as a wife away) then I think it's likely he'll do his best to coerce whatever he can, financially, emotionally etc. from you. I would highly recommend being very careful and secretive, and planning the whole thing as thoroughly as you can before setting things in motion or revealing anything. I know that seems OTT and dishonest, but I really believe that's the best way to get out of an abusive relationship. Know what he's capable of and keep a respectful distance, and he will respect you for taking your power back. He won't like you for it, but he'll never feel emboldened to hurt you again

Thank you for saying this! I needed to hear this.

Thank you and great point!!

He could do anything once I tell him. We don't have any real shared assets either.

I do plan on being secretive until I can and am ready to tell him. I plan on having called and hired a lawyer before I tell him. I will need a lawyer, regardless.

This is seriously eye opening and depressing. I have been involved with SIX narcissists in my life. Ok, yeah, I have a pattern. That's abundantly clear. And eight abusers, not seven, but eight.

I am really looking forward to working with my new therapist, which starts tomorrow. I really hope he is effective and can help me.

I have a problem - well, I have several problems, but the universe keeps sending me the same lesson over and over again, because I fail to learn the lesson each time. I do believe that this is how the universe works.

Six narcissists. You would think I'd be an expert at picking them out by now. NOOOOOOOOOOO. I'm a stupid freaking idiot is what I am. SO stupid.

I told this new therapist a tidbit of my story before we scheduled the 1st appointment. His comment was that I am passive. At first I took offense, but then when I thought about it more, it made perfect sense.

And what's ironic to me is that I think of myself as being very proactive in life. And I am in many ways.

But with relationships, I AM more passive. I've mainly allowed men to choose ME rather than the other way around. That is pretty passive. And from what I know of abusers, they deliberately CHOOSE their victims. Perhaps same with narcs... I do not know.

I don't think you are stupid at all! It is really hard to leave an abusive relationship, and some people will stay in the very same relationship, repeating the same patterns all their life. It's really hard to change roles, and it is not your fault you've been used for validation, and haven't been heard and validated yourself. It's bound to be really upsetting to realise you have been lied to, and what you're doing is really proactive. I think you have been proactive! Just with other people in mind, rather than advocating for yourself. It isn't your fault that you haven't been encouraged to assert yourself and protect yourself from people that take advantage!

Thank you, kindly.

I really need to absorb and re-read what you've written a few times more. It's very encouraging, validating and supportive, which I really need right now.

My parents are perfectionists. I was overly criticized for everything that I did as a child - including each emotional reaction I had to something upsetting. I was never taught to accept myself or my emotions. And with my parents being so overly critical of me, I'm terrified of mistakes and beat myself up endlessly over them. My parents did more harm than good... and I am still dealing with the aftermath of a damaged childhood. That makes me really angry. I don't blame THEM, but I wish I had had effective therapy by now, and I have not.

Are we married to the same man? Seriously, my husband is exactly the same, we are working on separating and I am constantly on eggshells until he moves out, hopefully soon. The belittling comments, followed by fake compliments, then manipulative strategies, it's exhausting to keep my cool and not take the bait. You are dealing with a narcissistic sociopath. A friend I made through this forum helped me see that, and recommended the book The Sociopath Next Door. I can't tell you how eye opening it has been, like reading about my husband.
Hugs to you, I don't know what you are considering doing, but have seen a couple of your posts and I believe you commented on one or 2 of mine as well. Best of luck to you, and don't lose hope for a better future.

@Anca2103, thanks so much for your words of encouragement.

I am not sure if I am dealing with a narcissistic sociopath? I'm so curious to know and learn why you think he's also a sociopath?

My husband is everything you've described about your own husband. I plan on leaving mine, but I need a job first and I need to get all my ducks in a row, so to speak. So right now, I am pretending everything is fine while I plan and look forward to exiting.

I know the feeling of having to "get everything right." It helped me a bit doing a touch typing course, and just getting used to little mistakes. I haven't been comfortable playing games, seems like a waste of time, but doing anything playful or creative can help, too. It's a hard thing, and takes time, and if you can be patient and kind with yourself it'll only make it less painful! Haha, easier said than done!

For me, I am working on being OK with "good enough" and "doing my best", whatever that entails. If I am stressed, yet still give 100% effort, I've done my best. Nothing has to be perfect... and I am trying to instill this in myself.

Where I really need help in therapy is to not beat myself up over marrying yet another abusive man. It's so hard when I've been with eight abusive men in total and when I've read umpteen articles on abuse, I've educated myself on abuse tactics, AND i've read books on abuse. Yet, they still find me, and yet, I've still gotten hooked and reeled in by them.

I am really looking forward to getting to the bottom of this in therapy. I am ready for healing, and I am ready to embrace health.

@Anca2103, I just read about what a narcissist sociopath is. My husband does not fit anti-social personality disorder, so I believe he is NPD - an abusive NPD at that.