Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Good plan.

Hey Have Hope. I did not read your thread yet but I saw you have this. But I noticed one post where you said you are sending angry and ragey texts to this abuser. Did I get that right, I think it's a bad idea honestly, they feed off of seeing you being emotionally affected. Just do not show that you are in any way affected by him, don't even show anger, just be all cold and calculating for your own self-protection when dealing with him. That's just my suggestion though

Good luck overall!!


PS Sorry, if you already are doing that and then it's just trivial advice of course

Ahhh I'm reading this too now. Yah nooo, that therapy thing is just hoovering. Don't fall for it. I agree with the other posts that it's pointless to discuss with him anymore about anything, sadly.





Nice crocodile tears of his. I understand now why you considered psychopathy for him in another post of yours. Bc of the emotional manipulation right? But it doesn't matter what he has, narcissism or worse, narcissism is already bad enough lol : /

What I wanted to say is that the advice you gave me about keeping my own sense of perception/reality vs the abuser's is very good and I think it includes not talking and taking in any more words or other info from the abuser again. (It will take time to sort out the already existing mess mentally and emotionally anyway so it would just be adding to the healing work in future)

So when I said go cold and unaffected in your behaviour with him (NO anger), yeah it actually includes this, that you only discuss the details of the divorce, or not even that. Your lawyer can discuss with his lawyer, job done

You don't even have to talk to him outside the courtroom *anymore*.

Because things like maybe he'll go to therapy, crocodile tears, everything, all that hoovering makes the cognitive dissonance worse obviously and creates too much empathy for him, but you know that anyway. And then that's why you start thinking about his ex wife etc etc and it's all just a dead-end because of the above.

With my abuser, I didn't let him do the hoovering actually, I burnt all bridges, I made sure of that, I (back then) felt that it would be so bad if I let him try and placate me, then I (in retrospect) felt he had it in him doing that so that he can attempt to keep me under his control and manipulations. Because I was angry at him before yet he let me be that and pretended to be nice again and so on but it was all just to weave his web further.

So yeah please don't even consider any more of his hoovering. Hope this helps with more people telling you



EDIT: Ahhh and yeah THAT niceness is what makes it extra hard to let go. It is so strange how that works.

Thanks @Alive99!

For the 1st month after discovering his infidelity (after promising. me he would NEVER EVER cheat on me) is when I lost it on him and gave him all my rage and anger. So I got it all out... and on him.

And yes, his idea of therapy is just lip service to keep me hooked and is hoovering. He has no intention of owning up to the abuse, and he's proven that to me through our conversations over the last month.

I think I've gotten it all out now. Now I just need to get a lawyer and get the divorce underway.

He still thinks I love him for some reason - he probably falsely believes this because I've been contacting him to let out my rage again and again. I do not love him anymore - far from it. I despise him.

But yeah, listening only to your own reasoning and logic and not listening to the abuser's skewed version of reality is best and helps to keep you sane and grounded.

It's great that you were able to quickly burn that bridge with your abuser. It's harder to in a marriage, when you've been living together, when your lives have been SO intertwined, and when one person is moving out. When you're married to an abuser, it's a whole different ball of wax and is more complicated to exit.

I wish I had been stronger than I have been about letting out all my rage. But I could not help myself. I think I am done - I hope I am done.

Today he tried to claim "I know you still love me".

So tonight I cleared that up. I told him "I no longer love you. My feelings have completely changed".

He wrote "thanks for driving that point home".

Important for him to realize that I don't love him.

I am very happy to report: I am singing and dancing in my living room again!

It's in THESE very moments that I realize how much my spirit, my true self, has been squashed in this relationship - and that I am SO happy to feel myself coming back to full life again. I missed her!!!!!!

I'm getting glimpses of my former self. Then I come back to feeling sad again. This is such a roller coaster ride. I woke up this morning with sadness in my heart again.

Telling him I don't love him anymore has a note of finality to it.

I feel like I've been talking to a brick wall for the last month. He's not listening to me. Even when I tell him he broke my heart into a gazillion pieces, he thinks it can be fixed. Even though I tell him he's lost my trust completely - he says it can all be fixed. I tell him it's over, and he says you don't want to try. He's NOT listening to me at all, and it's infuriating.

The other day he told me that I am punishing him. In another breath, he said he wants to come home. So, he thinks that he's kicked out of the house temporarily and that I will invite him back in at some point after he's been punished enough?

He's also downplaying his affair repeatedly to me by saying "nothing happened". Even when I tell him he's done the ONE thing that would hurt me the very most. He's not listening!!!!!

So I finally just came out with it - I don't love you anymore. Maybe that will hit him with a 2 by 4 that it's really over.

I've now blocked his phone number - so now we can only communicate via email. I got so frustrated with him that I blocked him.

Good idea.

He's trying to claim that he did not cheat. It's such BS. He is full of lies. I got so fed up that I blocked his number.

It’s up to you what you consider cheating. Everyone has different level of tolerance and deal breakers and what they are willing to put up with. It’s true pretty much about anything.

Maybe others are ok with their husband sleeping around. So what. For me texts that a man is thinking about other female (not in a context of expressing condolences) would not be acceptable. It’s not for him to judge what’s acceptable for you

He knows this was cheating. He knows. I had spelled it out to him what cheating means to me on Nov 11th, before I discovered their texts.

I just had a psychic tell me that my husband is building the case that I failed HIM, that I fooled HIM, and that this is all MY fault.

This angers me to no end. I know he will lie about what happened. I know it already. I know he will blame ME.

I have to not care about what he says, but I DO care. I know this already, but I cannot help myself from caring and being upset about what he will say.

It's the injustice of it all that gets to me - he will tell new women he meets that I was crazy or what have you. He will LIE and will be able to get away with it.

Who would he tell it to? Anyone you know? If yes, then it’s bothersome. Otherwise how would you even know what he says? Plus these women will find out the truth anyways. Didn’t he tell you he is a victim of abuse by his wife? But we know now it likely wasn’t the case. So he doesn’t get away with it.

Also people usually don’t care what their new partners say about their exes. Unless exes continue being part of ones life through involvement with stepchildren or through some other obligations (spousal support etc) or through continuous harassment of the ex etc, no one cares what kind of exes people had or what they say about their exes.

So he will be telling people he was married twice and both times women were crazy and abusive. Ok now. It doesn’t make him look particularly wise if that was the case.

Quote:

my husband is building the case that I failed HIM, that I fooled HIM, and that this is all MY fault. This angers me to no end. I know he will lie about what happened. I know it already. I know he will blame ME.

Just curious, IF the roles were reversed how yould you handle yourself if you were him with his personality?

Yea, my ex when I had a conversation with him 11 years after I left, admitted that he was sure I would come back to him after 2 years of living on my own. He said, when I didn't, he started thinking maybe he was the cause of my leaving. Like NO DUH!!!! The thing is that no one wants to believe they are at fault in a relationship breaking apart especially when they love to hold onto a victim role in their life.

By the time I left my now ex, I didn't give a crap about what he said to anyone or how anyone felt about what I did because bottom line, I WAS TAKING CARE OF MYSELF & that is all that counts in life when it becomes necessary for survival whether physical or emotional.

I cannot think from his shoes because I cannot relate to the NPD personality. He recorded me yelling at him one night, so he could easily use that against me somehow.

We have a shared social circle - what if he shares that recording with anyone from our circle? I will be humiliated.

I hate him. I truly hate him.

I am sickened by my husband's behaviors. JUST SICKENED.

He manipulated the entire situation - AND ME - back in July when I faced him with a divorce then. It's evident to me now that he only acknowledged his abuse towards me in order to keep me from leaving him back in July. Now he is fully backtracking and backpedaling, claiming it's NOT abuse. He also claims he did NOT cheat on me, when clearly he DID cheat. And he full well KNOWS that he cheated on me.

Then it turns out he recorded me yelling at him that one fateful night?? So now what? He's going to use that as evidence that I abused HIM?

He continues to gaslight me - he told me that NO other woman has told him he treats women poorly - GASLIGHTING and LIES. He is denying the abuse - more gaslighting. He is denying the affair - more gaslighting.

I want to scream. I want to kick him. I want him to die. I am SO livid - I am beyond enraged over the injustice of the situation. I cannot get any validation from him or ownership of his poor behaviors. I will never get it from him. And he's going to twist the whole story around to his friends, his family and God knows whomever else (any of our shared friends?) to try and claim that I am at fault.

My blood is boiling. I get really upset over injustices in life, and this is one of them. Unjust situations and people are a personal pet peeve of mine that send me to the moon and back with BOILING RAGE.

I hate him with every fibre in my entire being and soul. I absolutely loathe and detest him. I don't know what to do with all my anger and rage at this point. I cannot unload it on him anymore, and I have to keep our messages strictly to business only.

I have my call with my abuse advocate today - thankfully. Maybe she can talk me down from the ledge. I pray, I hope. I really need HELP.

Have Hope, I think there is nothing worse than someone who demonstrates repetitive sickening behavior and goes on living their life as though they were a normal law abiding citizen. Hurting the ones they love, lying, cheating and expecting to be forgiven. Bending every rule and law to prove and impose themselves on others. Twisting a person’s emotions to make themselves look better, but it doesn’t.
Disregarding the very ideology that keeps us safe and civilized. Back-stabbing and and more lies and cheating on the ones they claim to love. Constantly badgering-behavior sending impractical messages in all directions with no hope for future reconcile. They are the problem here. They create negative energy and anxiety and distaste for common human relations. Really this behavior is disgracefully shallow and destroys trust and destroys wholesomeness and destroys the goodness we love in people. I think you are better to run from all this gaslighting and battery. Really take yourself far from this situation and do not look back. I feel for you and I hope you are able to mend the wounds and heal the scars that this person has caused you.

You screaming was an evidence of what? Of you screaming? Ok. You being angry? Who cares?

So he will tell your mutual friends that he’ll show them a secret video he made of you screaming? I mean most people would be like no thanks. And they will ask what’s wrong with him.

Are you intending to maintain relationship with your in laws? Are you very close? If not then he can show them whatever.

I do not think eskie meant you have to be understanding of him. I think she is saying that it’s not uncommon for people to expect that their exes will come back.

My ex significant other not only begged me to come back (I was the one left) but he also was convinced that I’d finally agree marrying him. But it made zero sense! I refused to marry and I finally left because he didn’t stop drinking. I meant he’d stop but he’d always relapsed within usually less than a year. His method was cold turkey with no help, of course he’d relapse!!! So now apparently I’d not only come back but I’d finally marry him? What for? why would I come back???

But that what happens. They don’t want to believe you left for good

He won’t give you validation. It’s like expecting water out of a stone. Not happening

Thank you @ann bog!

I agree with you wholeheartedly. It's despicable and disgusting behavior. I am appalled by it - just absolutely appalled.

And I can't believe I actually married this SOB.

I am working on healing... it's a long and tough road, but the further i distance myself from his manipulations, gaslighting, abuse and lies, the better off I am.

Thanks @divine1966.

I don't intend on maintaining ANY contact with my in laws. But I am still friends with all of HIS friends on Facebook. Heck, I am still friends with HIM on Facebook, but that's only to watch him closely to see if he posts anything about me/us/divorce. Once the divorce goes through, I will unfriend him and will have nothing to do with him.

I would hope that our shared social circle would have little interest in hearing this recording.

And I get your point - he doesn't want to think I am leaving because of HIM. So he will fabricate whatever story suits him to keep his ego in tact. I am sure that he will claim that HE left ME.

But you're right - who really cares. My true friends know the truth of the matter. Several ppl from our shared social circle know the full truth.

I have urged him to get the paperwork going on our divorce. I've told him I want this divorce to happen ASAP.

You could file it yourself not waiting for him. You’ll need a lawyer but you’ll need one anyways (if that’s the route you take).

It's cheaper I think to have his lawyer draft the divorce agreement, and then I have a lawyer read it over and negotiate any points. I've been quoted a flat rate of $500 from three lawyers to do it this way. Otherwise, if I hire a lawyer to draft the agreement on my end, I have to pay a hefty retainer.

Plus, I proposed to him that we file together.

I'm getting some amount of amusement out of the fact that my husband's inflated ego makes him think he's the cat's meow to women, when in fact he's all of the following:

Bankrupt
Physically incapable of doing ANY physical activities due to MULTIPLE physical ailments
A pot addict
An abuser
Works on commission only and therefore, does not have a steady paycheck
Is totally irresponsible
UNHEALTHY eating and smoking habits
Overweight

And HE thinks he's such a CATCH!

I'm laughing. It's ridiculous - he's a PARASITE. GOOD RIDDANCE.

HIs behavior is DESPICABLE. I am appalled. I am thinking back on ALL that he did and ALL that he put me through.

Starting with just before the wedding, and on our wedding day - buying cocaine with MY money, without asking me and in knowing that I am dead set against using coke? Coercing me into doing coke on our wedding night??????? Blowing up at me on the morning of our wedding and telling me to leave him alone? I asked him then, is this how you're going to treat your WIFE?

He held off on all the explosions until just after our honeymoon - then it was a landslide of them. One after another after another - the nasty fighting. HIS nasty fighting. Breaking up with me repeatedly just after our wedding. UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE.

The real icing on the cake was him cheating on me, after telling me 100 times that he is "not wired to cheat" and how he would NEVER cheat on me. Then he claims he did not cheat, when clearly he did. He's such a liar! I believe he's in fact, a pathological liar.

I am still astounded by how much his actions did not match his words. I am truly floored by him.

I'm having a bad day again.