Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

I’d probably block all your exes right now because if they reply you’ll be dragged into the same cycle again or you might be tempted to check if they replied to your forgiveness message.

I don’t know if you ever read on radical acceptance but that’s what I practice in life and it does wonders. It helps not to intensely react to everything and not dwell on what cannot be changed. It doesn’t mean of course that you have to accept unacceptable things, not at all. Quite the opposite, you stop being dragged into these cycles of suffering over something and endlessly (not deliberately) dragging it into your life . If you read the article you might recognize yourself and your thoughts in it

Radical Acceptance | Psychology Today

Of course if it doesn’t work for you, disregard if that’s the case. But something might click

Oh yeah - I really don't think they'll reply, and I have no attachment do whether they do or not. I won't get sucked in if they do reply, though.

I have heard of radical acceptance before. I do react strongly and wish I had had greater control over my rage during the first few weeks of our separation. But, what can you do - it's done, I reacted and I cannot change how I reacted.

But yeah, I can see the benefit of radical acceptance.

Of course you reacted to your husband. By reaction I don’t mean react in anger to things that just happened-that’s normal. We all do. I am the first in line, I react to things all the time. Especially something that just happened!

I mainly meant that acceptance helps to stop dwelling and ruminating on something that happened ages ago and cannot be changed and nothing could be done about it.

Thanks for the validation! Much appreciated.

I believe I will be able to move on and not ruminate SO much on this one this time. I did with my ex fiance - oh boy, did I ruminate!!!!

I am coming to a place now of greater acceptance about who he is, what happened and what is happening now - and that is giving me some sense of closure and peace already. I know there is more to come yet and still, and I may still get angry at him over whatever he says, but I am going to now try to not react to him. That's my goal at least. We'll see if I can actually pull it off, because I AM very reactive.

He's at it again - he's at the apartment now moving more things out, while I have vacated and am at my parents' home camping out. He's telling me via text once again that this could have been fixed, that he wasn't of sound mind when he was texting sweet nothings with his co-worker (again, telling me because I called the police), and then saying that we could have worked this out with therapy. I didn't even reply to any of those texts and I did not engage in it. I'm proud of myself!!!

I kept it strictly to business items and conversation only.

Then he tells me I owe him the courtesy of a conversation in person, after being together for 3 years. I told him I will not see him until I am good and ready. Courtesy? Come on, please. What do I owe HIM? Nothing. It's yet another guilt trip and attempt at manipulation.

I believe people owe each other courtesy if they have to maintain decency in the future communications if they must be in each other lives for years to come. The only reason for having to stay in each other lives and be decent would be having minor children and having to co parent for years to come. There are no other reasons. You don’t owe him anything. It hasn’t even been three years. Less than three years of knowing a guy and not having any future entanglements does not qualify for owing anything.

As about him not being himself, if you didn’t catch him it would go on and likely would result in full blown affair. It’s not like he confessed that he made a mistake. He was caught in the early stages romantic affair with a coworker. So he has no leg to stand on

Agreed - plus, if I see him, he will only try to lie, gaslight, abuse and manipulate me. I am trying hard to avoid all of that and more. I will only just become enraged all over again.

He claims he ended things with her BEFORE I confronted him about the affair. BS! He only ended it (IF he did end it) because he was busted. I have no doubt he would have carried on and then left me on HIS terms as soon as he secured a girlfriend, as narcs tend to do.

I am once again wrapped up in my anger towards him, simply based on his texts this morning. It is maddening that he is not listening to a word I've said over the last month, that it continues to be ALL ABOUT HIM, what HE wants, and how HE feels, and I feel he continues to disrespect and disregard ME and MY feelings. He keeps pushing the relationship on me when I've made it 100% clear that it's over and that we're divorcing. What part of "I will never trust you again!" does he NOT understand???? And what part of "This is over!" does he not comprehend??????? What part of "you did the ONE thing that would hurt me the VERY MOST and which would cause me to divorce you" does he not get???????

I am beside myself. I've said it before and I'll say it again - but I am talking to a brick wall and it's completely and utterly EXASPERATING.

And then to have the NERVE to say that out of COURTESY I should see him and talk to him in person????? Where was HIS courtesy towards ME when he decided to cheat?????? And he STILL blames it on my calling the police - so of course, it's a tit for tat situation and I am ultimately at fault for HIS BAD BEHAVIOR!

I am SO angry and annoyed.

You caught him texting on the weekend and called his work on Monday. He claimed he managed to end it between texts and your phone call. When was there any time to end it? Yeah right. That’s a lie

You can tell him that example of common courtesy would be not to text sweet romantic things to other women when home with your wife. That’s common courtesy

This guy is infuriating. He was caught cheating. You weren’t separated and were fully married AND physically intimate with each other. If he was distraught after police incident he could separate, not sleep with you, sleep on a couch, keep his distance, take time off etc Instead he acted like nothing is wrong and kept marriage going while getting a girlfriend lined up. He is terrible. What common courtesy???? Why is he talking about courtesy????

I didn't call her until the afternoon. He claimed he ended it in the AM, before I confronted him about it.

It's clearly a lie. He did nothing of the kind. He only said something to her AFTER I busted him.

He is just dumb. He said he is thinking about her in the evening but miracolously ended it next morning? He is too dumb to even make up believable lie

Of course he said something to her when he got caught because he needed to warn her that **** was about to go down

Exactly - his lies are SO transparent. SO obvious. It insults my intelligence.

I hate this guy. He was too distraught and wasn’t himself after you called the police, but he wasn’t too distraught to have sex with you and go to concerts you pay for. If he was as distraught as he claims, he’d not sleep with you and wouldn't look for another woman to romance. Not too distraught to juggle two women

I’d have more respect for him if he said yes I was in the wrong and I understand why you’d never trust me again. Instead he keeps lying and blaming you

Thanks for hating him on my behalf! I hate him too!!!! I loathe and detest him!!!! He is absolutely a despicable human being and a weak excuse for a man.

And exactly correct - he was playing me and wooing her at the same time - he was simply just lining up the next victim in case we didn't work out OR so that he could dump me on his terms, like i had stated before.

Which only just makes it far worse! He must think I'm dumb! GEEZ!!!

I think I'm going to be sick. I really want to puke. His pleas, his continued lies, his cover ups, and all his sorrow... I cannot take it anymore. We just had a text exchange about all of it - I was trying to hold off on doing so, but it happened anyways.

I need nachos, beer, a cigarette and Shrek to help me recover. That's my current medicine cabinet. LOL.

But HEY! I have not had my eating disorder symptoms STILL since he left!!!!!!!! I am sooooooooooooo thrilled about this. I am healthier in that regard at least. YAY!

He is still trying to imply and state that his affair is some sort of misunderstanding on my part. Of course! Of course I have misunderstood! He wasn't thinking of her the day after we made love - he wasn't fantasizing about her - he wasn't trying to start something with her - nooooooo, of course not! Of course it must ALL be MY misunderstanding!

And now he is saying he no longer wishes to live.

So this is what it's come to now? He's sooo manipulative. Like I'm going to fall for this.

Did you know that on average, it takes a women SEVEN tries before FINALLY leaving an abuser? SEVEN!

I can see now how that happens - all the guilting, the tears, the begging and pleading and the promising..... I can now see how women would fall for this crap and how women would want to believe their words and apologies. Oh, I will never do that again - I will never treat you that way again. BUT you did, and you have! So when does enough become enough?

So how he explains then what “thinking of you and possibly seeing you in my dreams” means? What did he mean by that then? I’d like to hear his explanation if you are misunderstanding

He doesn't explain it - all he can tell me is that he wasn't of "right mind" after I had called the police. He tells me it was out of character for him - that he's never done something like this before - and that he didn't lie to me all this time when he claimed he is "not wired to cheat".

BS! ALL LIES. It IS his character - he HAS done something like this before - he DID lie to me all this time.

He's SO full of it. I cannot stand the continued lying!

Apparently, what I misunderstand has to do with having an affair. He claims it was not an affair, that he did not get involved with her, oh, and that he never invited her out for brunch, even though his text said exactly that: "brunch and mimosas! Let's go!" he wrote.

ALL BS.

Sadly threatening suicide is not uncommon abusive manipulative method to keep spouse from leaving. My coworker is married to abusive jobless addict who not only threatens suicide but described what he’ll put in a suicide note that he’ll send to the whole family, saying nasty things about her. She is still married. One time she was so distraught she showed me what he texted her that day. Made me sick.

Wasn’t of right mind is new low kind of excuse. Never heard that one