Trust issue: Told bf after years my ex bfs reached out

Hi,
I am feeling very mixed about a trust and respect issue. My bf (30) and me (31) had a very bad start to our 3 year relationship.

I had 3 relationships prior, slept with 10 men and did not take propper care of STD. Looking back I chased guys and was not really connected to my partners. I ended my former 4-year relationship disrespectfully and dishonest, as I broke up via email and didn't wait for my ex to return from a travel, before getting intimate with someone new. This led into a phase when I was at times involved with more than one at a time, had a 3 some (looking back, mostly to please the guy) and I was the other women in an affair. I would say, I was very desperate to get close and searched for connection using sex. I am not proud of it. There are parts I feel very ashamed of.

Before I got together with my current boyfriend I did not tell about this. I was simply unaware, it could be a deal braker. I though he knew enough to guess. However, he found out bit by bit. Which was worse. And felt I was lying to him, found it difficult to regain trust. We were each hurting badly and took TP.

TP did help. But there are still times, when it is an issue. The problem is, that I was not ready to enter the relationship when I did. I had not worked through many problems. I have selfesteem issues.
I am over 30 and still learning relationship basics:

I realised that I had not told my bf that some of the former partners had tried to contact me. I blocked or deleted each attempt and never reached out. I felt horrible about it and told him. I appologized, said I could understand if he was mad and upset I did not tell him in years. I understand if he doesnt want to continue the relationship. I was simply affraid to hurt him, to see him back in a clinic, to have another big fight, in which he tells me I was a sludd and would not believe me, I did want a monogomous realtionship. I know how stupid it sounds.

At the same time I feel like: Could you stop framing yourself as the single victim? There were times, when it was so bad for him to cope with my past, he would bombard me with questions about the men. Or stare at the wall for hours. Or he would write down all my mistakes and every "offending" sentence I said (Like: "You have to take of yourself first, before you can help others", translated to my pure egoism). He blamed be for rather being with alcoholics in the psych. clinic than with him.
This is not about blaming my bf. I get that he was hurting and hurt people, hurt people. He changed. I know I gave him reasons to doubt my honesty. I know that my background disgusts him.
But at some point we both stayed in this. And I find it unfair, when he sais, he only took TP in order to be able to be with me. Yeah, that was (!) the reason. But after 100 h of TP he is still blaming me? Sorry, either one sais "I cant do this." Or he had TP-worthy issues, as did I, to stay although it was hurting.

He sais I lied, when did not tell of contact attemps from exes. He feels like I cheated on him. We both feel like back in the very beginning, he depressed, me stressed, blamed and guilty.

I feel twofold. I just want all the blaming to end! Nothing happened! I was yours all the time. And please look at the whole picture.

Then, I feel, I was not living the kind of realionship I want. I was conflict avoidant. I was dishonest and I respect if he feels, he cant trust me. I hurt him very bad.
But I feel he is reacting very harsh. Then I ask myself, whether I ought not to be in a relationship, when I am still acting this way. Whether I'm being harsh. I dont want to hurt him again. I know, I would never again enter a relationship without clearing things out and wouldn't persue if my past was an issue.

Can anyone relate? Thanks in advance!

In short: My boyfriend had reasons to not trust me. He has big issues with my sexual past. I felt very pressured and stressed and affraid to harm him. So I did not tell when 3 of my ex contacted. I blocked the contacts. But I only told him after 2 or 3 years. He feels cheated on and used.

What is tp ? Therapy? It’s very tempting when your current relationship is having problems to want to return to your old relationship. I tried to reunite with my old partner 2 years ago and it didn’t work out yet I still think about him. The best thing you can do is be honest with your current partner .

Thanks! Yes, by TP I meant therapy.
The thing is: I never wanted to return to any old relationship and never contacted anyone. I wish I could have been honest and told about the contact attempts by exes. It was a very difficult time, at which felt it would hurt and worry him pointless. I think very different about it toady.

So what is your question

I would like to be more compassionate, but personally I would dump this guy.

He thinks you are cheating on him because someone from your past simply contacted you and you didn't tell him? You didn't tell him 100% about your past and he thinks he has full rights to know everything?

Huge lack of respect.

I just feel confused. It seems to be a question of blaming each other again. I get that I was dishonest when whitholding this so long. And that maybe he needs some time. But is it really this big of a deal, considering how things were and that I didnt want anything from my exes? Or am I being unreasonable?

Thanks! He thinks I was lying and feels betrayed. Yes, we both were told often, to simply leave the other one. That is the thing. But we went through this and become actually a happy couple. We were planning to move in together and talking about a child.

I know I was not respecting him, when not telling I had a past and when it came up not, trying to withhold this and so not giving him a choice. I was unaware. Back than, when I didn't tell about contact attempts, he wanted to know very much. Because he wanted to understand and cope. Now we dont talk about it. He came to understand in TP that this is something he has to deal with.
I just dont like him framing this now, as if I am the only one to blame. He is the normal guy and I am the crazy and lying *****.
I know this is about how you define honesty and cheating in a relationship. I respect his values and views. I just wish he could remember what it was like. And that maybe it is not helpfull frame anyhing normal. Like, him being normal, when he feels so threatned by my past.

What does he want? I’m still not clear on your question.

Thanks for asking!
I dont really know, what he wants. At this point, I feel we are both thinking if or how we can continue the relationship.

He wants me to explain. For him it just dosnt fit together how I can say I love him and betray his trust for 2 years. To him the secrecy of infidelity is not much different from the secrecy of not telling about the contact attempts.
He wants me to tell him how we can continue the relationship.

This is ridiculous. Your past relationships no matter right now as long as you aren’t currently cheating. The fact that some ex made an attempt to contact you isn’t infidelity and I don’t see why you are obligated to disclose to your boyfriend that someone contacted you. What’s the big deal. He sounds controlling

I’m inclined to agree with divine1966 , he sounds controlling .

So Sorry about what is happening. i am not sure if i would consider it cheating but it does seem like you were (unintentionally?) lying even if sometimes by omission. In any case i don't think it is necessarely a deal-breaker but it does depend on how your boyfriend reacts to this. i Hope and Pray that things will improve soon. Make him understand certainly that you want things to work out between you two if that is true. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @blubbbrabbel, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thank you so much for your replies! I know it was very long post. I just think, it all makes even less sense without the issues about my past.
I view it like @mickeyChicky. I understand that it depends on how a couple chooses to go about honesty. And here we were living with different values over a long time. And I see how he must be hurting.
He doesnt understand, how it made sense at the time and that I changed my views. To him it is a violation of trust and commiting to more honesty now it too late.
At the same time, I feel misunderstood. Maybe I just have to accept that.

Thanks for your reply! I agree that some parts of it sound controlling. At the same time, he would never say: "You cant meet person xy"... Or anything of the sort.
The point is, I accepted this kind of behaviour in the past. I see that he didnt do it to consciously control or manipiulate. But because he was hurting. I understand because I did stupid things, when I was hurting.

i'd suggest to talk to him about this and make him understand how much you're hurting, without putting all the blame on him. It is your right, Please do speak up! Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @blubbbrabbel, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

You have no control over someone trying to contact you - plus, it sounds like you blocked and didn’t respond to them, anyway. It’s not cheating simply to talk with someone you used to be with (although I can see it could, potentially, be a slippery slope for some people) - for example, many people who split up might, later, be on good enough terms to be friends, especially if the split was amicable and maybe they had children together.
Your boyfriend sounds insecure if he’s this jealous about your past. I would agree he sounds controlling as well. If he’s calling you sexually derogatory terms as well that’s a red flag, to me. It says to me he doesn’t respect you.
It’s good that you realise why you acted how you did in the past, and that you’d like to avoid making those same mistakes, though.

I agree with divine, none of your past is any of his business, nor is the fact that exes tried to contact you.

That doesn't mean that you have to accept it now, or stay with him because of that.

I think that you should move on from someone who cannot get past your background.

I also don't think that you need to go into your past with any guy now or in the future. I think you might want to ask yourself why you want to go there? It's none of their business.

Have you gone to individual therapy?

its time for you to tell him "hasta lavista baby" "bye bye butterfly" " tooda loo kangaroo" "hit the brick di#+"..
the guys a jerk. he will never going to let go of this. he will hold this against you forever. he will use it as his excuse for why he thinks every word you say youre telling another lie like you always do because thats what ( *$+( +*!$ nasy name calling) chicks like you do .. blah blah blah.. it will get ugggglyyyy... he will hound you day in day out, from here on out he will drag you thru the mud every time the whim &/or chance &/or opportunity presents itself.
i know its hard to hear this but i speak from my own 1st hand experience going thru this all myself. this issue is never going to go away.. this will always be kept at this level of tense bitter anger tone to it... .. the relationship that you two had is now a thing of the past and it will never go back to being as good as it was then. ever. the trust, the stability, the comfort level, the "mesh" that made you guys click has already begun to unravel and its gonna continue to fray away more and more as time moves on.

just to reitterate a bit .. my hubby and i had the best thing going between us ever for 25 yrs we had the most fantastic relationship of all get out.
somehow or another a tidbit of my past came to light and we just about called it quits because of it. 25 yrs of bliss shattered into dust and gone with the wind.
it took patience and a lot of work on both our parts to get regrouped enough to patch things up & carry on ...
fast fwrd to 15 yrs later & in our 40th yr together..... ... the week before my husband died ... he brought it up and threw it at me during a little tift we had going right then ..
so yea... i know what im talking about to be saying what i saying

Yeah I’m gonna agree with you. I tried to get back together with my ex fiancé and when he continued to blame me for his choices I had to walk away. I think about him every day and I wish it would’ve worked out but there’s a saying “shoulda woulda coulda”.

You know what, you made mistakes in the past and owned up to it. You admitted it to him. Now he seems to be holding everyone of your past transgressions against you.

My opinion:
1. IF he wants to stay in this relationship, he really ought to turn the page and let the past go. Bottom line: you did *not* cheat on him. The past is dead and buried.

2. Also, IF he keeps harping on about it you need to think whether you want to put up with his accusations and/or recriminations. Again, you did *not* cheat on him. So, in this sense, you have nothing to blame yourself for.

We all have a past. If a partner holds our past against us, again and again, I would not want to stay in such a relationship. HE also has a past and I would find it hard to believe that he was a saint in any and all of his relationships.

Quote:

Originally Posted by blubbbrabbel Hi, I am feeling very mixed about a trust and respect issue. My bf (30) and me (31) had a very bad start to our 3 year relationship. I had 3 relationships prior, slept with 10 men and did not take propper care of STD. Looking back I chased guys and was not really connected to my partners. I ended my former 4-year relationship disrespectfully and dishonest, as I broke up via email and didn't wait for my ex to return from a travel, before getting intimate with someone new. This led into a phase when I was at times involved with more than one at a time, had a 3 some (looking back, mostly to please the guy) and I was the other women in an affair. I would say, I was very desperate to get close and searched for connection using sex. I am not proud of it. There are parts I feel very ashamed of. Before I got together with my current boyfriend I did not tell about this. I was simply unaware, it could be a deal braker. I though he knew enough to guess. However, he found out bit by bit. Which was worse. And felt I was lying to him, found it difficult to regain trust. We were each hurting badly and took TP. TP did help. But there are still times, when it is an issue. The problem is, that I was not ready to enter the relationship when I did. I had not worked through many problems. I have selfesteem issues. I am over 30 and still learning relationship basics: I realised that I had not told my bf that some of the former partners had tried to contact me. I blocked or deleted each attempt and never reached out. I felt horrible about it and told him. I appologized, said I could understand if he was mad and upset I did not tell him in years. I understand if he doesnt want to continue the relationship. I was simply affraid to hurt him, to see him back in a clinic, to have another big fight, in which he tells me I was a sludd and would not believe me, I did want a monogomous realtionship. I know how stupid it sounds. At the same time I feel like: Could you stop framing yourself as the single victim? There were times, when it was so bad for him to cope with my past, he would bombard me with questions about the men. Or stare at the wall for hours. Or he would write down all my mistakes and every "offending" sentence I said (Like: "You have to take of yourself first, before you can help others", translated to my pure egoism). He blamed be for rather being with alcoholics in the psych. clinic than with him. This is not about blaming my bf. I get that he was hurting and hurt people, hurt people. He changed. I know I gave him reasons to doubt my honesty. I know that my background disgusts him. But at some point we both stayed in this. And I find it unfair, when he sais, he only took TP in order to be able to be with me. Yeah, that was (!) the reason. But after 100 h of TP he is still blaming me? Sorry, either one sais "I cant do this." Or he had TP-worthy issues, as did I, to stay although it was hurting. He sais I lied, when did not tell of contact attemps from exes. He feels like I cheated on him. We both feel like back in the very beginning, he depressed, me stressed, blamed and guilty. I feel twofold. I just want all the blaming to end! Nothing happened! I was yours all the time. And please look at the whole picture. Then, I feel, I was not living the kind of realionship I want. I was conflict avoidant. I was dishonest and I respect if he feels, he cant trust me. I hurt him very bad. But I feel he is reacting very harsh. Then I ask myself, whether I ought not to be in a relationship, when I am still acting this way. Whether I'm being harsh. I dont want to hurt him again. I know, I would never again enter a relationship without clearing things out and wouldn't persue if my past was an issue. Can anyone relate? Thanks in advance! In short: My boyfriend had reasons to not trust me. He has big issues with my sexual past. I felt very pressured and stressed and affraid to harm him. So I did not tell when 3 of my ex contacted. I blocked the contacts. But I only told him after 2 or 3 years. He feels cheated on and used.

How many sexual partners did he have ? Did he sit you down and give you the run down and his life story to you ?

Your past is not his business. So what you had 10 partners. It’s not against the law. And isn’t uncommon. Who even cares. Him being depressed or stressed about it is his issue, not yours. He needs to seek help and get it under control.