I don't know what to do with my marriage

We almost divorced. I was SO close - the divorce paperwork had been finalized and all we needed to do was file.

Then my husband's 85 year-old sick and elderly father was sent to the hospital with heart trouble. My husband called me devastated and in tears, and I supported him.

Then, I was bullied in my recent new job. I called my husband in tears and he supported me. We talked on the phone for an hour and he helped to calm me down immensely. He was very reassuring, and I needed him.

We began talking more and more. Soon enough, we were texting every day and becoming friends again.

The whole time we've been separated, he has repeated how much he loves me and how devastated he has been without me.

We've been living apart since the end of November. We're still living apart, and we're still not wearing our wedding rings.

However, we are together - but not fully. We slept together for the 1st time in months last weekend. We talk every day. He tells me how much he loves me, and sometimes, I tell him I love him back.

I have recently been hospitalized for serious mental health issues and I also had Covid. I was in the hospital for ten days.

I am not making any decisions about my marriage until I feel stable and sound again. I am not either right now, but I am confused.

Do I still love him? Can I trust him ever again? Do I even want this marriage or would I be far happier alone? These are the questions swirling in my head.

He agreed to go to couples counseling, but we are waiting until I start my new job. He isn't in individual counseling... I would prefer we go to a couples therapist.

I just don't know how I feel anymore. I have been through SO much lately, that my head is literally spinning.

There are many things about him that deter me away. Then there are several things that keep me feeling hooked and tied to him emotionally and romantically. I am still attracted to him physically.

I am posting this thread to help me figure out an answer to how I feel and what I want.

Can I be happy with him? That's my main issue. He has a lot of behaviors that need changing and improving. Then there are habits of his that I cannot stand living with.

On the flip side, he does take care of me in ways that I love, need and want.

It feels like a matter of "can't live with him, can't live without him" - UGH.

You might go back and reread your long thread about your abusive husband. It might help remind you of the realities.

I know... that is what is also swirling in my head right now.

Question is: can he improve? Can he change his behaviors? Statistically, abusers do not change... or at least, not without intensive therapy.

A large part of me feels like I need to see how he responds to therapy. I also know that I am very vulnerable right now, given everything I've gone through recently.

Just be cognizant that in your current state, the need for someone to fix you or rescue you, to not feel alone, might be overpowering your more logical, rational mind. My concern is that you might be allowing yourself to be sucked back into a manipulative relationship. You are giving up your boundaries pretty quickly. Proceed with caution. Might need to stop the physical/sexual interactions until much further down the road - that seems to cloud your better judgment.

Nobody is perfect and people do change but mostly that change happens in younger age. Like 20 year old player could certainly become responsible parent and provider at 35. At 50 though change is difficult. Why can’t he go to individual therapy? Why waiting for couples counseling? You wanted couples counseling for a long time yet it didn’t happen. People do it during covid.

He takes care of you know. Because he is building a narrative of a perfect husband. When you were together he wasn’t taking care of you. You talking too much about work or other negative things stressed him out so you were not sharing as much as spouses would. He certainly was no much help financially and you had to carry him monthly and he took money without permission. He is not capable of doing much physically as he has health problems that he isn’t taking care of. He isn’t taking care of your living space because he is a slob. He instigated constant frequent and volatile (even if not physical) fights which shouldn’t be a part of loving marriage. He lied more than once. He says he loves you but that’s not enough. Words are cheap.

Sometimes you need to leave a person couple of times before you decide to stay or go. It’s not always clear.

And it’s not uncommon to go back to exes and have intimacy with exes (or soon to be exes) in a vulnerable state: just out of a hospital, having health issues, job struggles etc It could be confusing. Couple counseling or talking to him while separated is one thing, sleeping with him right out of a hospital due to mental health issue is different. When couples are separated in order to work on their marriage, it’s not recommended to have sex (in my knowledge, I might be wrong)

Thanks for your posts.. I am very vulnerable, and I am very confused.

I kinda knew it I have no idea what you should do and you're twice my age so I'm sure you know better, but I have to hand it to you, you're never boring

LOL.... I wish there was a laugh button on here. My life is certainly never boring. There's always a new twist and turn with every step I take.

i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters. The decision is obviously yours, i just want you to carefully consider what you're doing though. Think about how realistic the possibilities of changing are and how much you're willing to take the risk to be stuck into an abusive relationship. i'd urge him to consider individual as well as couple counseling if he truly wants your Marriage to improve but that is just my opinion. Please do stay Safe. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

First off, I hope you’re feeling better, or will be soon!
I’m inclined to think you need to be very careful here. Obviously it’s your choice, but you should remember how he treated you when you were together and really ask yourself if he would do better given a second chance? Will he do the therapy and, most importantly, commit to being a better person? Is it really you he misses, or what you could provide for him in the marriage? Just things to keep in mind.

Thank you, both!

I could be making decisions due to my current weakened mental and emotional state... he wore me down, I suppose, and I became weakened by his continued persistence

As they say it, “when in doubt, don’t do it”, regardless what it is. If I had to ask strangers if I should be married to my husband, I’d knew that I shouldn’t. When you know, you know. If you are happily married you don’t have to ask. At the very least exercise extreme caution

Thanks divine. Although I didn't ask people here if I should be married to be my husband. I stated that I am figuring it out....

I know, I am just saying that if you have doubts and questions about marrying or being married, it’s better not make decisions. Just having doubts about marriage in my opinion is a troubling sign. I could be wrong of course. Just thought I had. Maybe getting into couples counseling will provide some clarity

Yeah. I mean, given my condition, ie, just out of the hospital, I'm in no position to be making major decisions. I am still not well, and he's helping me. I feel now I'm in much more of a dependent position, and he happens to be there, catching me when I've fallen down.

I suppose it is what it is right now.

IF we make it to couples counseling, I imagine that will be very revealing.

I think the fact that I had been going through an incredibly rough time, beginning with getting laid off from my job, and ending with being bullied in my new job, led to my feeling I needed him in my life. I leaned on him and he was there to catch me and help me. And I helped him, too.

Right now, I just feel so weakened by all the trauma I've been through lately. Being hospitalized for the voices I hear was traumatizing for me. The voices I heard were saying the most horrific things, and I was petrified for my life and for others' lives. I was scared I would end up hurting someone, given what they were saying to me. Being bullied in my new job was also traumatic for me.

I am recovering from these things as we speak and am trying to regain my own sense of self and personal strength.

Perhaps when I can "come to" and feel like myself again, I will have a different take again on my marriage and husband. RIght now though, I am grateful for his help. When the voices have taken over, he's been there to help me to keep fighting. He has also prayed over me and he was present when a priest came to my house to perform an exorcism on me.

He understands what I go through spiritually and with these voices... he's been very sympathetic over it and most supportive.

For now, I am not making any decisions either way. I need my strength back first, and I need to heal myself and get healthy again.

Guess I killed my own thread. lol.

He brought the cats to my apartment, which I agreed to, while he goes to visit his parents in Florida. I'm watching over the cats for four days. He spent the night last night, and I couldn't sleep.

I feel like this has taken on a life of it's own, while I sit back and allow it to happen. I feel helpless right now against it. I can't fight anymore. I've lost my fight. I've had to face too many battles lately and I'm just done.

I need my strength back. Where is my strength? It went out the window. I am fighting something spiritually and it's taking all of my strength. I have nothing left.

You do seem to be struggling and have been going back and forth about your marriage for a long time. It is OK if you need to put the decision on hold for a while. In fact, perhaps taking a break from posting about your husband for a while might be useful. Sometimes relying on what other people say too much can cloud our thinking. Sometimes letting a problem lie and then coming back to it later can be helpful.

@TunedOut, thank you.

This is the wisest advice... thank you so very much. I agree 100% with you. I do need to just let this lie for now. And I agree that posting about it probably won't help me any.

Not sure my advice is always wise LOL but thanks and yes, there is a time to get advice and then there is a time to just take time to figure out what we want and is best for our current life situation.

Sort of related but not totally--when I used to do call center sales, one of the things we learned is that we were more likely to "sell" if we offered some choice but did not give too many choices. Too many choices (and perhaps too much advice ) can actually make us less likely to make a decision. Hope this isn't TMI. I am having one of those days where I might be overposting too!

@TunedOut, that analogy makes sense and is a good one.

I do need time, and I need to figure this all out on my own for now. I am definitely not ready to make a decision and I have far bigger issues on my plate right now such as taking care of my mental health and starting a new job in a little over a week. I need to get healthy again so that I can actually work... those are bigger issues at the moment and take precedence over making a decision about my marriage.

While you are taking some time to decide would be a perfect opportunity for him to begin individual therapy. Couples therapy can be useful but imo it is in individual therapy, not in couples therapy, that an individual can make needed large changes in the way that they function in life.

Thanks, @Bill3. He wants to start couples therapy before he starts individual therapy for some reason.

I just spoke with my closest girlfriend about some of the issues in my marriage. I do not have high hopes for change, and I do not have high hopes for therapy being effective. I have a feeling that therapy will only solidify for me leaving the marriage.