Are people in your life extremely unsupportive during your hard times?

You need professional help. Way more than can be given here.

You shouldn’t be working anywhere until you receive help to control your behavior.

Ruby, you have yet to see that him ignoring you and avoiding you is your own doing. You would not feel so abandoned if you acknowledged your own fault in this, and if you took responsibility for your actions that drive people away from you. You are still taking on a victim mentality, as though people DO THIS TO YOU. People are not nice and then turn away from someone without reason.

Again, back to the title of this thread: Are people in your life extremely unsupportive during your hard times?

Were you referring to your coworkers supporting your hurt feelings regarding the GM distancing from you? Did you want them to comfort you in your painful perceived abandonment that they didn’t understand because it’s not realistic? How did you want them to show you comfort?

Do you feel people have been supportive on this thread? I feel people here have tried to point out to you your faulty thinking and try to get you to want to change. Did you want that kind of support? How did it make you feel? What kind of support did you want here? What did you want us to say?

Did anyone here get a supported, satisfied feeling from this thread with over 400 posts? It feels like it keeps going around in circles to me.

I think people here are all trying their best to help. Ruby has gotten herself fired twice now and probably a third time. Everyone’s pointed out where she has gone wrong in order to help. I agree with other posters that we cannot effectively help Ruby. She needs professional counseling and support around her faulty thinking and actions that keep getting her into trouble.

My behavior was probably wrong on some level.

You are correct that I initially wanted sympathy from my coworkers and very few gave it. The rest of them just repeatedly told me to toughen up. But I mostly wanted them to continue to accept me and they stopped before I was EVER rude to anyone.

So I started being rude to people cuz they weren’t gonna accept me whether I was rude or not.

They couldn’t sympathize with you because your belief that your GM was somehow abandoning you and traumatizing you was delusional and other people simply cannot understand another person’s delusions. That’s one of the things that is just characteristic of delusional thinking. People find it really weird, probably a bit scary because they don’t understand it, and naturally distance themselves from someone who is delusional for their own personal sense of safety.

You perceived their response as rude. Maybe they were even actually rude, but that was due to your odd behavior over a delusion. On the other hand, your rude response was a real behavior directed deliberately toward them in retaliation for their response. Your delusional thinking and rude behavior has consequences. Coworkers don’t have to put up with that kind of treatment and they won’t. They don’t feel any personal stake in a work relationship.

Your off putting behavior was originally your delusional thinking and expectation that coworkers would understand it and sympathize with it; it wasn’t rudeness that turned them against originally. It was simply really odd behavior that they found probably weird and a bit creepy.

You seem to believe only rude or mean behavior should bother people. Often it takes much less or different from that for people to get that vibe that they need to avoid a person.

When you got angry at them because they didn’t support your emotions, you pushed them away. Then they dislike you. Then you really feel more alone and angry. Do you see how you sabotaged yourself?

Understanding Abandonment Issues and BPD

Here’s a good article pertinent to this issue.

Perceived abandonment vs. real abandonment is interesting to me here as well as self awareness vs. inability to take personal responsibility. Different people with this same disorder can think and behave so differently.

Excellent article Tisha! I see the cycle discussed in the article playing out in this thread.

I said that last week or the week before and was told I was wrong. I think by responding to her we could be enabling her.

I see it so clearly, but can’t even stop my own self sabotage.

Good article.....from my personal experience, if you throw in ASD behaviors & thinking into the BPD mix it amplifies both symptoms also & creates a real mess like we seem to be observing here & cycles are definitely prevalent

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv I see it so clearly, but can’t even stop my own self sabotage.

Tisha, if someone points out your self sabotage are you able to see it?

You succinctly described what most people will usually do. It doesn't mean that that is the highest level of standard we have to aspire to, though. This forum is full of people who are interested in psychology and personal growth. Would it not be natural for us to hold ourselves to a higher standard then? Such as, if someone's mentally ill, we are able to recognise that and then we do not need to treat them with additional hostility. Yes, some people may have a mental illness that makes them have an outright delusional idea, makes them behave weirdly and so on. But we do not have to kick them further and be hostile to them. Does the odd behaviour hurt you? Is it actual physical or other severe danger or do you just feel a bit scared over it is it's weird and new and you are not sure what to expect? If the answer is "no", why would we need to kick the mentally ill person further, why would we need to release our frustration, distress or upset coming from the above feelings, instead of simply disengaging and keep proper boundaries? Is it too much of a hard effort to do so, to control our emotions and keep such boundaries?


I do realise it is too much to ask that from average people who are not interested in psychology&personal growth. But I was going to put this out here on this forum sooner or later. I finally had the time to write this out. I hope at least one person will think about it because then it wasn't wasted effort.

I will say I don't understand thread OP's thinking either about the managers, and I do think "delusion" is not a bad word to describe the idea about her way of thinking about her relationships with these managers, even if I feel like that's still a bit "off", it's still one of the best descriptions I've seen about it - but I don't see the point in *explicitly* endorsing rude and especially *repeatedly* rude or otherwise hostile behaviours of people in response. Even if they are people who don't have time for psychology and personal growth because life's demands and stresses keep them busy. And I realise we on here are also kept busy by them too but we are at least on this forum.....no?

So at least let's not endorse that. I do understand it if thread OP feels upset and feels like being rude in turn.

The ideal thing would of course be, someone having intervened in a professional way already, a long time ago, so OP wouldn't have to face these behaviours from most people.

But since that's not happened, as we don't live in an ideal society lol, and OP of course still makes her own priorities and decides if she's still okay with dealing with all that instead of finding an intensive treatment setting, group home or whatever options are available (I'm not familiar with the US system). Seems to me like OP is willing to take all that as her higher priority seems to be something else, e.g. idea of autonomy, being able to keep working, something else? And willing to recognise the cost for that is going to be this?

Alive, You are very much mistaken if you read my post to somehow be an “endorsement” of her coworkers’ response to her behavior (and perhaps I am misreading your post myself - it happens). I simply described what probably happened and will continue to happen with most of the general public - for right or wrong, that is the reality she faces working with the general public.

I like your posts on here, they are so reflective.

What do you think she should have done instead of getting angry and pushing them away?

In theory anyway, because in practice she's likely not in a state where she can carry that out regularly. Maybe temporarily but then she would run out of energy and have another breakdown or outburst etc. etc.

I'm just curious about your thoughts about this.




I looked at the article but I respectfully disagree that OP is doing this. It just does not look like that to me. To me OP seems to be venting a lot here and not having a lot of emotional control while doing so. She seems to have set priorities and seems to want to keep going in that direction, but I'm not entirely clear on what those priorities are. But since she's possibly expecting too much of herself, does not seek help enough, and not the right help either, and she's also not equipped to manage her emotions as it is now, she's going to have a LOT of negative emotions over it all, hence venting (just my take).


No one on here is required to participate in that or read the vents at all if it's too much for them, IMO.





Yes. I believe we can't really try and add input to help others if we are not prepared to accept this first. Because even if people want change, they are going to go at it at a different pace than what we, outsiders would expect from less than complete information of the situation (both internal and external situation). So it can be frustrating giving advice repeatedly, and we can decide if we are willing to take that frustration or just stop and disengage entirely.




I think she minds but she may not be aware of it herself, she's so sunk in the whole crisis. She's probably not able to separate out the emotions about this thread from the rest. I was going to mention it myself, how she's unable to respond and defend herself emotionally but you were faster at noting it than me.

I just don't agree with the conclusion - that it has to mean she enjoys any of this. Again, that article seems to be about very different people and situations. Not people in crises whose emotions are already unmanageable without help. Unless we would want to assume the whole story is made up and OP is just a troll messing with us but that to me feels like a paranoid, ungrounded assumption.

Anyway, I also don't think OP enjoys this because she repeatedly mentioned she doesn't like being disliked or "hated on".


She may want attention because of the BPD but not negative attention, I don't think, she has not displayed any masochism so far at least. But she seems to be most like, just trying to get advice, trying to feel like she can get some help, and venting without limits and without thought about how that comes across as well. I could be wrong of course on that. These are just my interpretations.

I see. Maybe you could make that more obvious by adding your sentiments on how it's sad or not acceptable if that's your opinion, etc etc.

Like, highlighting that while this is what WILL usually happen, you don't really like it yourself either.

I didn't see any of that in your post, so that is why I interpreted it as an endorsement.

Did I manage to convey my thoughts on this? Feel free to let me know.

My post was clear. I honestly don’t pass judgment on her coworkers - their reactions are pretty usual which was my point; thus, I don’t find it “sad” or “unacceptable” - just objectively what it is. One can objectively observe AND not “condone” at the same time.

I figured that you may have meant this. Thing is, I personally find that endorsement, because remaining neutral and accepting about things that harm people is a type of endorsement.



***


Btw I'm not trying to excuse OP's behaviours or anything, because I do think she needs to take responsibility for seeking the right help. Group home, or whatever it is that would suit her, I don't know the US system, so I just listed group home as an example because I saw that mentioned in the thread earlier - but otherwise I have no idea if that's the suitable environment for her right now, but definitely not a McDonalds job.

And I don't really understand why she's not taking responsibility for that. Does she really want the idea of autonomy so much or is it something else she wants more than that? Or is she simply unable to even prioritise like that now? I would be interested in hearing more about that.

I’m just finding it difficult to change my behavior without changing my feelings, which is also difficult.

You mean, your behaviour about wanting to seek employment in another fast food restaurant or the like?

Because that's what I talked about. What makes you want to keep working? That's what I'm interested in, do you have conscious priorities about this?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ruby2011 I’m just finding it difficult to change my behavior without changing my feelings, which is also difficult.

Both need worked on since your "feelings" are based on delusional thinking. Get help with the way you think about things then BOTH your feelings & behavior will change. Without fixing your foundational issue feelings & behavior can't change

I see it for myself (no one has to point it out, nor do they IME), yet I get ‘overwhelming emotions’ anyway.

What I think is the crux of the issue for both Ruby and me is the need to feel liked, loved, admired, appreciated by the person(s) who we want it from. In both cases, these people are not capable of giving that. That’s what sets off the emotional lability.

Although I want it from those interpersonal relationships closest to me (family, mostly husband), Ruby targets authority figures. Maybe it’s a parental kind of affection for you, Ruby. Or maybe it’s a hopeful romantic affection. Time and again these managers are annoyed and distance because they are only a professional relationship and need to keep it that way. They want to keep their jobs! You seek something from someone who you know will never give it to you.

For me it’s so close, so close and yet so far…

P.s. Though, I only cry and complain. I never made a negative spectacle of myself. (That’s not true, I did). No one in public has seen me melt down I did it in front of my closest family! I’m horribly ashamed and embarrassed about it. It definitely affected my kids. I didn’t START emotional meltdowns (not since I was emotionally abused as a young child), but then not again until I was in my early 30’s after having two kids.

Basically what I mean is, if you decide to continue working in the state you are now, you will have to face more and more of these negative experiences and extreme negative emotions.

Do you have a priority consciously that makes facing all that worth it to you?

Would you starve to death if you stopped working now, would you not have a roof over your head?

If not, what other priority do you have?

Or do you think that it's not that bad, as far as the emotional consequences of your state go, with you having to face all these extreme negatives from people?

Good post, I also like your posts as they are so reflective!