Are people in your life extremely unsupportive during your hard times?

@Alive99

Right before his vacation, I figured he was REALLY looking forward to his vacation. So he might have accidentally said something rude. That was my reasoning

Yes alcohol makes things worse. It’s what he told me. Therefore, he talked me out of alcohol like you might talk someone out of self destruction.

I basically gravitate towards jobs with people. Customer tipped me $$$ for “being nice.” Even at Arby’s, customers told me they liked my service.

Coworkers accept me until the manager stops accepting me. You kno, the manager I so idolized.

No, you are 0% mind reader. No one can read someone else's mind. You do not know what others are thinking, and believing you do is part of what gets you in trouble.

If you were a mind reader then would you be getting in so much trouble? Just think about it logically.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope Yes, it should have alerted you that whatever you were saying to the GM, he did not appreciate it or want it. Ruby, wasn't everyone aware of your crush on this GM, including HIM? Being overtly obvious about your crush on a professional superior is going to get you into trouble. Perhaps the GM was more receptive to other people expressing that they will miss him, but not to you because you had an obvious crush and it probably made him feel very uncomfortable around you.

Also, rational people who know there is a problem don't just avoid people because they feel uncomfortable around them. It is more because they are wise enough to KNOW that any nice expression will only be taken as encouragement by that person, that everything is ok between them when it isn't.

Lol....I remember obnoxious boys in junior high wanting to be my BF. They wouldn't take NO for an answer & being nice to them just added to their obnoxious behavior. The only thing they finally listened to was when I got mean. Then they finally got the message. Obviously some don't even get the message then & change the whole narrative from what THEY started in the first place

You would need to see the timeline too - OP was not rude at first, and had fewer breakdowns, a lot of that was in response to the responses of the coworkers/other managers.



Again, I am not trying to excuse anyone here, OP or anyone else either. I simply don't like it when people can't just disengage and keep boundaries to avoid getting too much into the other person's business emotionally at the workplace.



Like, you (general you) can just politely say no, you don't have time to talk about it, instead of having to kick the person further who's already down. OP wasn't lying about this one thing at all, she's been very down.

If the person is yelling at customers, not your problem. It's management's problem, not yours. You can just disengage from it and continue doing your own work.

Isn't this what you all have been suggesting to OP to do? Keep such distant and unemotional, professional boundaries. Even when she's very, very upset.

Then apply the same standards to the coworkers too. Even when they are very, very upset, they need to be able to remain professional and keep unemotional but polite boundaries.

And yes, I do realise in OP's situation her stuff must have come off very disconcerting and all that, even when she wasn't doing racist insults yet. But I already addressed that in my earlier post where I explained how I see this whole issue.

OK now how about an exercise - try to make up 3 other reasonings/possibilities for his behaviour. Without sticking to any of them right away.

You don't have to do it but TishaBuv had a great point there IMO.

Zero percent? That can’t be normal either. That’s having an EQ of a caveman.

The only other reason I could think of is the ones other people told me. Cuz I got too close to him and he needs to push me away to get the messages across

No one is a mind reader, Ruby. That's what you do not understand. I cannot read anyone's mind. If I believe I know what someone else is thinking, that's not only a cognitive distortion but it's a danger to my relationship with them because I'm not giving them the autonomy of their own thoughts.

Whoever is thanking your post that you can read minds isn't doing you any favors either.

No one can read another person's mind. None of us are mind readers, at all. When we assume we know what someone else is thinking, we get into a lot of trouble, just like you have.

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I'm the person who thanked the post above, but I also thanked your original post on no mindreading.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ruby2011 Zero percent? That can’t be normal either. That’s having an EQ of a caveman.

ZERO% is NORMAL. No one can read minds, people can ONLY GUESS or ASSUME but neither of those is mind reading. Another wrong belief on your part.

I agree

Thank you, Eskie.

Ruby, maybe this will help.

Never said anything about mind reader as in literally seeing into their mind. I just have the same Theory of Mind normal people do that is lacking in ppl with ASD. My BPD precludes me from responding appropriately.

Honestly, when the GM at Arby’s harshly rejected me, yes I was traumatized, but at least I still believed there are good people in the world. Now when Mcdonald’s GM became just like the one at Arby’s, it was the last straw. I think it broke me beyond repair. Not because he traumatized me worse (he didn’t), but because he was among the LONG line of people who pushed me away. It’s because he’s not any different from them.

I can’t make sense of human interaction anymore nor can I trust anyone. Until a few weeks ago, I believed people are basically good.

Ruby, you said this:

Then you engaged in a discussion with me about it. And now you are backtracking it. You need to own up to what's going on with you. You have to confront that you are doing these things. Believing you know what others are thinking or feeling is a cognitive distortion of BPD.

Theory of mind does not mean you know what others are thinking.

Ok. I meant I have theory of mind. I thought it’s the same thing as knowing ppl’s thoughts and feelings. Not as mindreaders, but you know nonetheless. That’s what the textbooks said anyway.

This isn’t the first time I was misunderstood. Nor will it be the last.

Like I said to a customer “it didn’t take your card.”
Him: why
Me: I don’t know. Check with your card company or your bank
Him: you mean my card was declined?
Me: yes
Him: then tell me that
Me: I did from the very beginning

It wasn’t my fault he wanted to play like that

This is actually a perfect example of taking TOM too far. TOM is an inference, but you have to understand you don't truly know what someone is thinking or feeling and that you may be wrong.

This person wanted you to clarify because "take your card" is not specific. Do you mean that it declined my card or your reader is down? Or did I remove it too fast? What exactly are you saying by "take your card"?

And no, you didn't tell him that from the beginning. This man asked you for clarification and you respond with saltiness.

It seems like you might do that a lot. And you read into people's behaviors a lot in a way that I would certainly call cognitive distortion.

You keep saying your coworkers didn't support you, and the most of what I can tell is you mean they don't talk to you a lot (give you the cold shoulder), which seems like simple boundary enforcing to me, since you talk to them to force them to give you therapy and talk about the GM, or since you say rude things. I don't see how them keeping boundaries is somehow mistreatment, and I haven't so far seen you say anything that rises to the level of actual mistreatment.

I think what gets you in trouble is that infer incorrectly what people are thinking and act off of that. It would be better to presume that people behaving however they are is a result of something going on with themselves and not respond to it. Do you understand what I'm saying?

“It didn’t take your card” could mean many different things. I have vast experience in retail and it’s not how you inform customers that card didn’t go through. And you don’t expect them to know what you mean without clarifications.

Quote:

This isn’t the first time I was misunderstood. Nor will it be the last. Like I said to a customer “it didn’t take your card.” Him: why Me: I don’t know. Check with your card company or your bank Him: you mean my card was declined? Me: yes Him: then tell me that Me: I did from the very beginning It wasn’t my fault he wanted to play like that

You weren't misunderstood. You weren't clear & specific with what YOU were saying. He wasn't playing but you were not responsible in being clear with him in the first place. Again....your issue & you were the one who caused the problem NOT him

I didn’t know the difference back then between “it didn’t take your card” and “your card was declined.” The literal meanings are the same and literal meanings are all I know. So when he asked why it didn’t take his card, I literally thought he was asking why he didn’t have $$$ on his card. How should I know? So I said to check with his card company.

I completely agree with this. I get the feeling too that they are setting boundaries because of your inappropriate behaviors. Most people in that situation would probably do the same.


Again and again on this thread people have tried to give you advice about behaving professionally at work but you have continued to have outbursts, cry on the job and you even made a racist comment to a manager.

There is a saying "wherever you go, there you are", which means that your problems will follow you. I think if you find another job in your current state, you will end up having the same issues that you did at other places of employment. You need to use whatever resources you can find to work on developing appropriate workplace behaviors first, before you find another job. If not, you will probably be back here in a month talking about having the same problems at another place of employment.

I change jobs every 3 to 5 years for the same exact reason. And I’m bewildered every time

Ruby, I just want to point out: I acknowledge that it didn't mean anything different to you, but actually the "literal" meanings ARE different. Take and decline are literally two different words.

I'm not saying this to nitpick you, but because I'm trying to drive home that you're reading into something and also confusing concepts.

When he said "so it was declined?" And then mentioned that's what you should say, the appropriate response is simply "You're right I should have been clearer. Thank you for that suggestion." Instead you go right to rude.

These come from cognitive distortions in your mind. This is why you need professional help to help you understand the difference between things and how to respond appropriately. Also to help you manage your emotions, which seem very fragile. No one here is qualified to give you that help.

Part of the reason these things are called personality disorders has to do with it being so engrained. But you have got to be willing to challenge your thinking and look inward to make the changes. The common factor in everything is you. So if you can accept that you're the central figure in your story and the only way to change your story is to change you, you will have a chance at making progress and getting your goals. But if you can't accept that, and will not seek professional help to do it, then you have a high chance of repeating these same things over and over, and likely with escalating severity.

You will be doing yourself harm to go back to work before getting some professional help to work on these things.

Looks like to me here you are doing the same you are claiming she's doing (and I'm not saying she's not doing it). You believe that you know what's wrong with her mind, what she thinks about in the wrong way etc. and you readily apply that to this interaction between you two.




Feels like to me this simple case is being blown up into something bigger here. People have misunderstandings like that all the time, you just move on from it by default. It isn't about special cognitive distortions.

I agree though with how she needs help with emotion management, reading emotional tone, being willing to entertain different possibilities about what people meant and about their behaviour where she feels nobody cares about her. THAT part I do agree is from cognitive distortions too, not that we don't all have cognitive distortions sometimes, but her case does need a lot of help. I wholly agree with that part, I just don't think the card example is a good illustration of it and it can be counterproductive to nitpick on small things like that IMO



And yea that's what I mean by her needing to take into account that this is the cost if she wants to keep working without changing anything else. When I kept working with cPTSD, I was working on myself too, a lot of psychoeducation, internal reflecting, processing, went into therapy etc.

OK here you can practice again about making different interpretations that are closer to neutral emotionally. As this was a simple, fleeting situation

BTW I don't really follow the nitpicking on here about this, I personally would've figured out from the entire context of the situation that you meant that the card was declined. Because all other options can be eliminated based on context. Like you didn't add that he needs to wipe the card again or anything like that, is part of the context. And so on. But this is a simple case, it's a pretty objective topic & context.... though of course sometimes misunderstandings can still happen, and that's no one's fault

So that's actually also why I wouldn't assume right away that he was playing. He sounded a bit annoyed, you did too, nothing big there, nothing to see, move on

And again this situation isn't important but I wanted to make a point in general.

Rechu mentioned seeking resources and that reminded me, are you accepting that there's stuff going on in you that needs dealing with, and then if so, are you seeking out resources for yourself until you can go to therapy? There's tons of articles, books, forums, where you can read up on things and educate yourself to get somewhere with your processing of what's happened repeatedly to you and how to deal with it in a way more beneficial to yourself.

IMO: Let go of trying to make explanations about people without doing the education first. Self-reflection and processing your own emotions first will help with dealing with the rest about people too. It is inefficient to come here and ask us about all of it, instead of first educating yourself on your own about it.

And that would be the minimum you can do if you want to keep working. It would be the responsible thing to do. Even when you do get back to therapy, you have to do 90% of the work yourself as homework, the 1 hour / week meeting with the therapist is a small part of it.

IMO think about whether you are willing to commit to this because it is going to be big work for several years.

And I say all this because you said work is a big part of your identity. Well, part of doing the work is being able to not be needing your coworkers and managers to be extra nice to you, and just simply have the professional relationships with a little friendliness but not more. This is what everyone's has been telling you on here and it's for a reason. You can be professional only that way. If work is your identity, you have to take responsibility and learn this too.

Otherwise the cost you pay for continuing to work will just be too great in the end. You've already paid a lot, by having lost (even if hopefully temporarily) trust in a lot of people. That's a big cost just to keep working. Are you willing to really pay that cost? When you don't even have to.

This is all my opinion of course. You know I don't try to assume you have to be at fault for everything. And this isn't about that either, it's not about blaming you for stuff. This is about taking responsibility and ownership to become more professional at work. But others explained that a lot better several times already in this thread.

Yeah, well, I would agree with the first part of that. I don't believe he "needed" to push you away like that, but again, people are far from perfect, none of is us perfect, and even if I don't agree with his behaviour (I definitely find it very rude), it happens, unfortunately.

So IMO it's more like.... you got too close to him, yes and then he responded in a way that quite some people will respond with (not everyone will do that though), so it's a risk you have to calculate with.

I think if you can do some psychoeducation on your own - while waiting for therapy too - about what it really means that you got too close to him and how that caused other consequences (again, really unfortunately), you can get somewhere with it. Otherwise no, asking us on this forum regularly, that is very inefficient and takes a lot of time with relatively little result / very slow progress (if any progress). The only way you can speed it up if you YOURSELF work on it a lot, a LOT. But it can be worth it. I wish you good luck to it if you do ever try to start on this.