I'm feeling down today in general, but I need some advice re a friend who seems to have cast me aside. She's been like this on and off throughout the whole time I've known her, which has been about 5 years. Sometimes she wants to hang out, and she tells me private things about her life, then, she disappears for long stretches. At times she'd even like stuff on my facebook page, but still wasn't available, which annoyed me.


When the pandemic hit, we started hanging out every Saturday. She made time for me. I always wondered why. But I think it was the pandemic. It was a strange time. And people were all out of sorts, lonely, etc. I had the intuition that she might one day do this: just randomly distance herself. But it almost seems like a slow fade, too. It started in October, when I got a job that I quit 2 weeks later. I hadn't worked in 8 years, and it was a poor fit. The things is, I got the sense she was judging me. At that point, though, we'd stopped talking as much.

At one point, late last year / early this year, I went through an extremely painful and difficult time where I live. I'd had a neighbor who was violent with the house and mentally ill but super unstable, and I'd had to call the cops on him, complain about him to my landlord who did nothing, etc. I even stayed in a respite house twice because of him. Anyway, I say this because she was very supportive of me during this time and gave great advice. She even said that if I needed to, I could stay at her house if I needed to ever. I really appreciated it, though never took her up on it either.


What I am feeling now...is a few things. Anger, because what the hell. I saw this coming, but it still hurts. It is so disappointing to have a friend just drop me like she has. At the same time, while we were close sometimes, she never really resonated with me. Thinking about her now, on an energy level, she just isn't there.


I am wanting to somehow...drop her back. But reading what I just wrote, that I want to "Drop her back," makes me feel like I'm trying to punish, and I don't want to be like that. At the same time, I feel that I deserve better. If she ever decides to contact me again and be like "hey! haven't talked in a while, how are you?" I might just not respond. Which feels right.


Me talking to her about this.....feels out of the question for me. I am literally scared to. I'm also just so put off. When we were closer, as "pandemic buddies," I talked to her once because she did pull away and I'd been worried. She was super nice about it. She said she'd been stressed. I'm just not interested in doing it again. This seems like her M.O. And I'm sick of it. There's something about her that bothers me, too. I almost feel used. I have noticed she has been super close / not close with others too. There is a woman who passed away suddenly in our circle at the beginning of the pandemic, who I did not know well, but she seemed to know her well and I thought they were good friends. But When I expressed my condolences, she said "I didn't really know her." I also get the sense that she has different friends for different purposes, which in my opinion, weirds me out. Like, I am her mental health / psychology friend, for sure. But I know she has drinking friends, who I totally don't know, and other different types of friends.


Maybe somethings in her life have shifted. Maybe she has judged me - I don't know, since I haven't talked to her and am not going to.


I have thought about telling her that I will not be around for a while to hang out with. But #1, something weird seems to have shifted with her where she seems like she doesn't care, and getting a blase indifferent message back from her would bother me. I also...I keep remembering her offer about staying at her home if I ever have an emergency. Which, honestly, things seem to have changed anyway, but I worry about what I would do in the case of an emergency, again, like where I would stay. I should come up with a plan.


I am probably not going to say anything to her. And just let her go. And...my plan is that if she messages me...I will ignore her. That will be really hard. Sometimes I do want to make it official.


I'm also wondering if I'm making "something out of nothing." But truthfully, I don't think I am. I'm hurt. And I think it makes sense.


I guess my question is, what's the best way to cope with this? Like, on my own and towards her. I think on my own...I need to be busier. I've been looking for a job. But not very hard this week. I think it would also be good to...find ways to make other friends.

Edit: the main thing with me wanting to make it official somehow...is I feel I need to protect myself. I feel that she is treating me poorly. She's done this before, and I have always just fallen back into it and let her back in when she contacts me again.

[Fuzzybear]

I don't think you're ''making something out of nothing''.... I agree it sounds like she might be someone who tends to use people. I definitely think that your feelings of hurt and anger are valid.

''I am probably not going to say anything to her. And just let her go''.... Sounds like a good plan to me.

Fuzzy thank you for the validation. I'm not 100% sure she is a user, per-se, though I do wonder, and her behavior, to me, anyway, seems that way, and if not, it's puzzling as well as upsetting. I know she goes through ebbs and flows with closeness. But being who I am, I am done with this kind of behavior. She's not allowed back in. That being said, she works at my local yarn shop, so I will see her from time to time. It will be nice to see her of course. But I will have to put my foot down / set a boundary, if she ever asks to get together again. I know I will struggle with what to say. Because if I say "I'm busy..." she'll say "Oh! What are you up to?" The next time I talk to my therapist, I can ask her how to respond. If you know of any good responses...I'm open to hearing about them.


I forgot I'd said that I was "thinking of not saying anything and just letting her go," and was going to come back on here to at least say that I've decided that yes, that is what I will do for now. Because I really can't imagine saying something to her and it going well. I think my time is better spent looking for new friends and ways to make my life fulfilling in ways that make sense to me.


Anywho, thank you for your response Fuzzy! Most people probably saw how long this was and exited out, lol.

[Bill3]

If you know of any good responses...I'm open to hearing about them.

What do you think of:

"Because of covid I am not up for doing anything right now."

"I'll give you a call when I can."

[RoxanneToto]

The question to ask yourself in these dilemmas is, is this relationship acceptable to you? If not, what can/do you want to do about it? It’s ok if you want to leave the door open for her, but I can understand why you’d be tired of the push-pull and it’s unlikely she will change her nature without introspection and hard work to change etc.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, though. It does sound tough.

[Discombobulated]

I’m sorry to read about this Wovengalaxy, it does sound like you were really close at one time. I was wondering if you felt a bit exposed in some way, like you had given a bit of yourself (your confidences and trust) and then she faded away leaving you possibly wishing you hadn’t confided? I’m asking that because that’s how I probably would have felt, but I’m very slow and cautious with trust. To me it would be a big deal if I felt that closeness and someone faded out on me suddenly. I mean, friendships do ebb and flow, and sometimes they naturally fade, but where there’s been trust and confidences I would personally have much higher investment and feel exposed if they faded out.

I think I might know what you mean about wanting to have the opportunity to not exactly get back, but have a say in where this is going, might be a fairer way to word it. I think that’s okay, to say you’re busy, maybe refer to your studies, something positive like that. I’m taking you’re wanting to keep the door open, just downgrade your investment (time and emotionally) in this friendship?

Lastly, what you say, friends for different purposes, I’ve known people like that and it’s just how they are, but IMO it’s not flattering to find out you’re scheduled as someone’s Friday afternoon diversion or whatever. Idk if that happened here, but it does happen sometimes.

[SprinkL3]

Could it be that your friend is grieving in a different way - say, through denial of feeling emotions for someone that passed away recently? Some people push away emotions by denying they have it, such as when she said that she didn't really know the person when you mentioned her. That and the stress of this pandemic has caused a lot of people to distance themselves - both physically and relationally. People are afraid of loss, not just the virus. It's hard for people to get close to one another.

But if your friend was like this before the pandemic, then I could see how you got the red flag. Red flags seem to be our instincts, and they tend to warn us.

You have freedom to choose what is best for you. Some people grow apart, some people need a break, etc. The problem I see here is a lack of communication when friendships grow apart. Or perhaps you put more stock into the friendship than your friend did with you. It's not a balanced friendship, it seems. Typically, people have many friends in life. Some are closer than others. For the ones who are kind of yo-yo friendships, you kind of have to limit your expectations with them because they aren't going to be dependable.

There are many people with mental disorders and physical disorders who truly cannot be dependable friends, due to maybe their energy levels, their recurring intrusive thoughts, etc. It's painful and hard for them. I know this from my own personal experiences with DID, PTSD, and chronic fatigue syndrome. However, I do explain and hold conversations with people about why I can't just hang out anymore. But for me, it's with everyone - not just one person or the other. Then again, if I feel something isn't safe in the relationship, such as a friend trying to be more than friends when I repeatedly say no, that is where I draw the line. But that's a different scenario. Anyway, it could just be your friend has issues and is not able to manage the friendship or relationships with others well. It may hurt to lose a friend, but she's only being true to who she is - perhaps without realizing it. Still, you have to do what is right for you. If you distance yourself or say no instead of yes, chances are she will not take it in bad way. She'd probably only think that you're dealing with stuff; she wouldn't consider that it was something she did - unless you tell her.

The only way to repair relationships is through communication. It may not be obvious to her what she's doing, as you've observed her with other people, too. But then again, observations don't always mean truth when you don't know her relationships with other people, her issues that perhaps are kept secret, etc. The only way to find out is to ask her, instead of guessing based on observations. And then after you have that conversation, if she says something not pleasing to you, then you can for sure know that ending the friendship was a good idea, instead of leaving the friendship and wondering if your observations about her were correct or not. Sometimes all it takes is a conversation to strengthen a friendship, too.

To all:
I'm really not interested in keeping the door open at this time, though yes, she can be a distant friend who I expect nothing from. I need boundaries w her.
I actually HAVE talked to her in the past about my feelings about how she acts and how it hurts. A couple times. She always has a very nice explanation. She clearly isn't going to change. Like I said, I'm not interested in talking to her again. I'm not in a mental space to. I think I also am realizing...how little she really resonates with me, too, and I'm good just letting this go.
Yes, its likely I DID put more stock in her friendship than her in mine (edit: upon reflection, this does not feel accurate or resonate). I almost feel played with, like if she tries to talk to me and tell me personal things about herself at the store, that's how she reels me in, then asks me to get together or how I am...I'm going to not have it. And thank you Bill for the covid / pandemic excuse. Its a good one.
Disco, no, I dont feel exposed. I just felt hurt and frustrated.
Edit: I think I felt really flattered by her too. She has an impressive job title. I know it sounds superficial of me and likely was. I was like "omg she is choosing ME to be her friend." A lot of that is self esteem related. The truth is, and this is a lesson I an learning, who do *I* want to be friends with? Who resonates with me? Who raises green flags / no flags? Those are my people. People with impressive job titles and schooling should not get special considerations as friends, just because of that.

[SprinkL3]

The best way to get through a breakup with a friend, in this case, would be to do what you're doing - reach out online for support. Perhaps find better friends that are more in tune with what you're looking for in friendships.

I've had to let go of some friendships because they were triggering, toxic, abusive, or just not something I was comfortable with. I'd still be cordial and say hi, but I wouldn't be quick to hang out or anything. There are only a few friends I would get "close" to, though I don't let anyone get too close. I've got too many physical disabilities that some people don't understand, so I try to stick closest with those who do understand.

I heard a friend once tell me to "find my tribe." I had no idea what that meant until years later. It's a group of people who are somewhat close to you, who you can reciprocate a good give-and-take relationship - you both help one another, you both know how to be accountable after getting to know one another for about 3 months to 9 months, and you don't rush things. I've had friends my entire life, some that I've known for over 20 years. I'm not close close, but I'm close enough to be able to reach out to them for some things. Most of my intimate things are shared in anonymity on groups like this or in my T's office. It's not the same as real-life friendships, where people know my real name and identity.

So this space is safe for that reason, but in real life, there are wonderful friends who will have that right balance for you, and share some common interests.

I hope you find healthier friends! It seems like you're doing the right thing by not being weighed down by a relationship that's gone sideways. Sometimes relationships ebb and flow, but you tend to know which ones are more in tune with who you are and what you need. There are friends you can make for life, too. Those are rare gems, but you will find them!

Thank you Sprinkle.

Emotionally, I do want to leave the door open a crack. Not so much for her friendship, but for her offer to stay at her home if I have another housing emergency. That may sound weird on the outside. But it was scary, what I went through earlier this year. And I do think I need a plan. Even to stay in a hotel, a respite house, or a different friend's house, or maybe I could reach out to people from church. This is why its important to save my money and become financially stable and work. I'm not thinking that kind of thing will happen again, but I wasn't expecting the first one either. We never know what can happen. A plan would be good.

[SprinkL3]

I used to have bouts of homelessness in the past, and I had to ask to crash on friends' couches - even if I didn't know them that well, or even if I didn't particularly feel safe. Some of those experiences were tough, which caused our friendship to get strained. Others were actually kind of nice, but I lost touch with them.

If it is a survival thing, I think you are making a good choice. But do try to stick to your boundaries with your friend, and don't feel obligated to be close or do or say anything that you don't feel comfortable, or that isn't you. Be true to you.

During a pandemic, there are many more homeless persons, and such places are breeding grounds for spreading the virus and other diseases. Some even have things like lice or other communicable issues, so you kind of want to avoid homeless shelters anyway. I know - I've lived through a few homeless shelters, and it wasn't pretty. It was a last resort though.

There might be rooms for rent, or even temporary BNBs or the like you can do. There might also be low-cost motels and hotels, as well as programs that offer discounts for motel vouchers.

Looking back, however, I wished that I could have avoided some unsafe people I tried to live with for a short time. One person had a gun, and I had no idea until after I moved in temporarily. I left immediately and stayed in a homeless shelter instead. I'm sure your situation won't be as traumatic though.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with housing, on top of relationship/friendship issues. Being in that position is not fun at all.

I'm no longer struggling with housing. But I have in the past and like I said, things could change. I hope not. But a plan is good. Thanks for the advice. And for validating my need for safety and survival. Yes I will stay true to me. Boundaries.

[poshgirl]

Friendships can be outgrown, on either side, for many reasons. Whilst it's easy to blame the pandemic, it's easy to use it as an excuse (an observation only).

Unless you are in real danger, distance yourself gradually. If your friend notices, she has two choices. Rekindling the friendship should be done on your terms. Or, decide that sadly the friendship has run its course. When making new friends, make sure you are in control.

Your head must rule any decision. It's normal to feel hurt, that's your heart. I can empathise. I no longer see my best friend. She believed I could be bossed around just as she did with others, family included.

[SprinkL3]

I am glad you are still secure with your housing.

I wanted to also add that it sucks when you are in a place of desperation, such as needing a place to live or money to borrow or food to eat, etc. It puts you in a position of having to make compromises just to survive, such as keeping friends you wouldn't keep if you didn't have a housing crisis or otherwise. That's something that I thought long and hard about when I was able to transition to getting more money, which meant more security in many ways. I let go of all the toxic friends, but I still kept an opened mind with some who were truly struggling. There was one person who kept getting into trouble, due to his alcoholism and other problem behaviors, so he would do criminal acts, etc. He was in jail for a while. I just couldn't stand to see him throw his life away anymore. He was a friend from college, but he dropped out. It's a long story, but a few of us were trying to help him. He broke my laptop one day and then did something horrible to his ex girlfriend. I seriously couldn't be his friend anymore; he would not respect boundaries, and he was unsafe. I had to spend over $1000 getting a new computer at that time, and he never offered to pay a dime for it.

Anyway, I learned that just because people are in college, it doesn't mean that they are safe either. I knew him from both the community college and the university we both transferred to. He was too much trouble, and many people in college knew it before I did. We tried to help, but it wasn't worth the money and time we lost for the few years we spent investing in him. It's sad.

So I hope you don't make the same mistakes I did.

Be safe, and I hope your housing situation remains stable.

Note: I feel vulnerable bringing this subject up here. Please be kind.

I am thinking about blocking her on my phone. Every so often, rarely, she sends a mass text message to people and includes me. It will be pretty generic, like, "hey, thinking of you, hope you have a good week," or a pic saying "I had to show you this!" It actually feels pretty shady.

My reason for wanting to block, is for me. For my self esteem, and for my emotional protection. I'm done with this friendship, but because I have barely any friends right now and sometimes get lonely, I find myself responding. Even with something small. Also I feel guilty when I don't respond. Maybe that's weird- I don't know.

My phone notifies the recipient if they've been blocked - like if she sends me a message, she will get a message back saying she's blocked or something like that. I don't want to be hurtful. But I really need to move on and away from her. Maybe I can say "I'm taking some time away from our communication but I wish you well and I will see you at the yarn shop."? I'm not too worried about awkwardness. We rarely see each other anyway, and if we do, I think I can just say "hi" with a smile, and leave it at that. Then again, if the knitting group ever starts up again there, that might feel awkward to me if I go and she's there.

Blocking her feels right to me. I'm hesitant though. I've never been in this situation. If it were a guy I'd dated, I'd definitely block him. Do you think it's okay to block her? Or do you think I should just maybe get busier and proactive and try to stop thinking about negative stuff like this and other stuff? Or both? Maybe I am kind of nervous about this and the after affects.

I think I'm going to be okay about this and maybe its okay what I do either way (block/don't block). I think this is at least partly about my self esteem. I know I need to keep being busy with meaningful activities and be around others.

[Discombobulated]

I think it’s okay to block if the mass messages are really getting you down. I also think it’s good if you did to explain to her why as you plan to. Someone (who I was close to) once unfriended me for but didn’t tell me and that was the worst part, wondering what I’d done wrong. Honestly I would be okay with someone blocking me if they explained why beforehand, although of course can’t say how your friend would react. I think it’s emotionally intelligent of you to think about telling her why.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy

Note: I feel vulnerable bringing this subject up here. Please be kind.

I haven't had the nerve to post some things, and even now I regret posting on some threads. People aren't always kind, as I found out.

I've been trying not to get too attached to this site either, as the same things that happen in real life happen on here too. So not always safe...

Last Christmas I hoped or thought people would post in this Christmas thread for those spending it alone. It would be like talking to or spending the day with people, but nobody did. Maybe once but it wasn't an ongoing thing during the day. I kept this open and logged in all day but no activity.

I've been trying not to get too attached to this site either, as the same things that happen in real life happen on here too. So not always safe...

I agree.

Hugs, Owl.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy

Note: I feel vulnerable bringing this subject up here. Please be kind.

I am thinking about blocking her on my phone. Every so often, rarely, she sends a mass text message to people and includes me. It will be pretty generic, like, "hey, thinking of you, hope you have a good week," or a pic saying "I had to show you this!" It actually feels pretty shady.

I hope it's OK to ask (let me know if not), what makes you feel like these mass texts are shady? I'm trying to understand more of what you wrote here.

About your OP/earlier posts, I wondered what seems like she's just a user, what did she try to get from you to take advantage of you?

My reason for wanting to block, is for me. For my self esteem, and for my emotional protection. I'm done with this friendship, but because I have barely any friends right now and sometimes get lonely, I find myself responding. Even with something small. Also I feel guilty when I don't respond. Maybe that's weird- I don't know.

I think it would help if you figured out where the guilt or obligation came from, because that doesn't sound right for a friendship, so like what's she been doing to make you feel guilty or what beliefs or past experiences of yours etc. would make you feel that way?

Overall I think if she was clearly taking advantage of you then you have no obligation to tell her why you're blocking her, though you can tell her but I don't see what's to be gained from it unless feeling like you've confronted her on it helps you (it helps some people, it would help me too but not everyone needs this to feel relieved).

If you are not sure about her intentions/attitudes, but you do feel uncomfortable around her anyway, then IMO careful gradual distancing can help avoid any further bad feelings of guilt over how you may have done the "wrong thing" by blocking her without really knowing for sure if she had a bad attitude towards you.

Also it can help give you an opportunity to practice more flexible boundaries rather than waiting until you can't take it anymore and then having to take a big step like blocking the person. (But again if she was actually taking advantage of you for some particular purpose, nevermind any of this, then she can just be blocked without you having to feel in the wrong for it IMO)

But also, if you are not sure about her attitude or whether she's tried to use you, BUT you also don't have it in you to spend anymore time on this relationship and on trying to understand her behaviours and attitudes, if you already spent too much energy on it and she disregarded it, or if you only have energy and time for doing more proactive things, it's totally understandable if you don't want to waste energy on making it all seem nice gradual distancing. (Or if you are not worried about her reaction and possible conflict after the blocking.)

In that case, my only advice would just be, make sure you aren't going to end up seeing other people and friendships in a more negative light coming away from this experience

Blocking her feels right to me. I'm hesitant though. I've never been in this situation. If it were a guy I'd dated, I'd definitely block him. Do you think it's okay to block her? Or do you think I should just maybe get busier and proactive and try to stop thinking about negative stuff like this and other stuff? Or both? Maybe I am kind of nervous about this and the after affects.

I find it interesting that if it was a guy then you'd know it's OK to block him. Maybe it's that you are not sure what your rights are in this friendship as far as it being okay resenting her disappearing a lot and friendship not necessarily having to be so exclusive and close as a romantic relationship?

My personal opinion is still the same, that if you gave her a lot, and she didn't give much back to you and tried to use you for things, then it's not a normal friendship..

I actually HAVE talked to her in the past about my feelings about how she acts and how it hurts. A couple times. She always has a very nice explanation. She clearly isn't going to change.

Are they really nice explanations or does she just dress them up to sound nice and to deflect the problem?

Yes, its likely I DID put more stock in her friendship than her in mine (edit: upon reflection, this does not feel accurate or resonate). I almost feel played with, like if she tries to talk to me and tell me personal things about herself at the store, that's how she reels me in, then asks me to get together or how I am...I'm going to not have it.

I don't really understand this part here about her reeling you in. Some people do overshare about their personal life, but I don't understand if this is what you meant by her reeling you in. If you feel like she's taking too much of your time with her talking about her life, you can always politely excuse yourself. What I also don't understand is, what feels like being played with where she asks you to get together or asks about how you are doing. Was I missing something here?

One last comment: you mentioned you'd like having her around in case she would help you out if you needed accommodations in an emergency situation. But IMO you'd be better off if you found other options for that; if you really have problems with her, her attitude and the friendship, don't try to rely on her for this. Even though the survival imperative could seem like a good and important justification, it's rather unlikely that it would matter for your survival, like, again there would be a lot of other, better options, and you can't be sure if she'd actually keep her promise, either. And if you tried to keep her around just for that, wouldn't you feel like you're taking advantage of her and playing with her feelings? It could also lead to a lot of bad drama if you kept her around like that. Better to simply let all this go about her

Hi Etcetera, I see you're trying to help but want more clarity in what I wrote in some of my much earlier posts. Thanks for the thoughtful post, unfortunately I don't have it in me to address it / reply at this time. I'm also feeling better about this after having written some stuff out.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy

Hi Etcetera, I see you're trying to help but want more clarity in what I wrote in some of my much earlier posts. Thanks for the thoughtful post, unfortunately I don't have it in me to address it / reply at this time. I'm also feeling better about this after having written some stuff out.

No problem.

I forgot that I wanted to add this, I've read about platonic love in friendship and thought of this right away.

Maybe you have that and maybe she just wants someone to talk to. Hence you would feel bad about this relationship and that would be understandable.

This is the paragraph where I thought of it:

"You Need Someone To Talk To

A platonic relationship needs commitment. This commitment needs to come from a place of sincere love for this person. Do not try to connect with someone simply because you're bored or need someone to talk to. A friend is not your personal form of entertainment. If you are not truly invested in growing a deep relationship with someone, stay far from platonic love."

From here:

What Is Platonic Love & Why You Need It | ReGain