[qwerty68]

I haven't posted here in a very long time, so I am sure no one remembers me. This isn't really a question more than a request for insight.

A few years back, I had a whirlwind relationship, mostly online, with a woman from Russia. We hit it off, and we did have a long and wonderful visit in person and hit it off even more. We were seriously discussing marriage.

Super long story short: A few weeks after she went home and after she sent a video saying that "I am her man," she vanishes for a few months. She comes back and says that she can't marry me. She said that it would be impossible to get her son's dad to sign the paperwork so she can bring her son. We talk off and on for about a half a year.

We then start talking a lot more often and way more intensely. At one point, she asks me to watch various movies, and when I do, she asks what I would do in that position if she were the other person. For example, she wanted to know what I would do if I were Chris Pratt's character in Passengers and she was Jennifer Lawrence's character. Stuff like that.

A while after that, she admits that she is trying to get a job transfer to Poland or Italy so she "can be one step closer to you."

A few weeks later, I crashed my bicycle and fractured 7 bones. I tell her about it when I am in the hospital. They kept me a few days due to intermittently blanking out. The morning after the wreck, she asked how I am doing, and we briefly talk.

I do not hear from her again for 11 months.

She comes back because she saw that I posted pictures of my new dog. We talked 2 or 3 times, mostly about the dog. She ignores any personal questions at all and disappears again.

In early January, while I had spent the past few months watching my dad slowly die, she messages out of the blue. She sends me an alarming message: "I am standing on the 16th floor, and I want to jump. I have nowhere to go. And I don't know what to do. It's scary. But no other way out."

I sent a message to one of her friends who knows about me and spent weeks searching newspaper and social media reports from her area. The only thing that I found is that it appears she is now married. I have proof that she was not when we spent time together.

My dad died just days after I thought she might have jumped. I almost didn't survive that month.

I really just want her to be happy, so as long as she met someone new and nice. I can't really ask for much more than that for her. I would genuinely be happy for her. It is not even 100% sure that she is married. It was all in Russian, which I am bad at.

If she is married, or even not, why would I be the one that she sent that message to? What could I do to help? Does that mean anything?

She told me several times that she would always come back to me, but I have no idea why she vanishes.

Yeah, she is awful with communication, which is odd because we could talk for 6-8 straight and never run out of things to talk about.

Very recently, we talked a little. She is alive, which is the only important thing. Things are bonkers in Russia right now. She said she was sick, so we didn't talk about her suicide message, marriage, or anything really. I am just grateful that she is alive.

She is obviously frightened about recent events and was rightfully afraid of speaking her mind online.

I can't even begin to describe the pain that I have been in the last few years. I can not block her or yell at her. Yes, I am angry, but I am not the type to lash out. What's the point? I would lose her and be 100% alone.

She is literally the only person on this planet that will talk to me at all, more than simple "hi, how are you" because I am garbage. It will be 3 years this summer since I have seen her in person, and she is still the first and last thing I think of every day. Honestly, I love her as much today as I did when she was with me.

This isn't even the worst that I have been treated and is not really that bad. It is confusing, is all. I am trash and deserve all the embarrassing reasons women have broken up with me.

I just can't get a fix on her behavior. I knew that she had some mental issues, but I could never put my finger on it. She had never been diagnosed with anything, as far as I know. I was shocked that she was at the point where she was thinking of jumping.

I realize that no one here knows her or the full story, but does anyone have any insight into this behavior?

Assuming there is enough info and context here.

Maybe it will help me get over her, or more likely, help me deal with whatever this relationship has become. I am 53 and a loser, so it will definitely be my last. Sorry that my short story was so long. Thanks for any replies.

[Rive.]

I don't have any insight into her behaviour. It is hard to know why anyone chooses to behave the way they do, even people closest to us.

What I do note is her pattern of behaviour towards you - how she disappears on you and pops back into your life on her terms or when she chooses. She is simply not there for you.

What I also note is how you talk about yourself - i.e. how you are "garbage" and "deserve all the embarrassing reasons women have broken up with me". I am not saying it is not justified as I don't know what you did (and I am not asking) but I would work on that and grow as an individual or become a better person, so you can seek relationships with mutual care and respect.

Going into relationships with the expectation that it is okay to be used or mistreated because we 'deserve' it feels painful more than anything else.

[divine1966]

I recall your posts. Well we can’t really know why people do what they do and trying to figure it out is a waste of time. You cannot get inside peoples heads. We can only understand why we do what we do.

She is not the only person who communicates to people online for fun or fight boredom or as an escape and doing it with a man who is far away is a safe way. It’s not uncommon. She might be talking to more than one person and can’t really keep up. You don’t know if she was actually planning to jump off 16th floor. Could be all part of the game. And it’s a manipulation.

Her not being able to leave the country because of her ex might be a lie too. Who really knows.

If you feel you are garbage and trash it’s a good idea to work with a good therapist and try to get to the bottom of it

Have you ever sent her money?

[Bill3]

I was particularly struck by the fact that when you had a very serious set of injuries she was nowhere to be found for 11 months.

I agree with divine and Rive. that working on yourself, particularly your self-image, is the more promising course of action. When you see yourself as trash I think it is harder to put a stop to people treating you badly and uncaringly.

[divine1966]

I also have to add that since you’ve never visited her in her locations, you can’t really know how she lives and what she does on a day to day basis. Things night not be adding up. Her visiting you and having good times on vacation isn’t really indicative of anything.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by qwerty68

I haven't posted here in a very long time, so I am sure no one remembers me. This isn't really a question more than a request for insight.

Okay. My own insight is, she likes drama and fluff, and isn't really real. Anything online is going to be unreal, and often outright dangerous. Date IRL, not online. Don't bother spending time let alone talk intimately online with anyone who you don't know very well IRL already. This is true regardless of this woman being in a far away country, which just makes it all even more dangerous.

Why it's outright dangerous: it's dangerous to emotional and psychological well-being, even if you don't get cheated out of money or other problems. Intimacy online is *not* real intimacy. Moreover, many people online can and will lie about anything, as just sometimes meeting in person is very, very far from enough. So as soon as one lie gets in there, you can sit all day trying to figure out how all it adds up. It will never add up, pointless to try. I mean, if you have a few years to waste on trying to find all the lies, maybe you can identify some of the actual lies but it's not worth the time spent on it.

Wanting to do relationships online indicates escape from the discomfort with intimate relationships in real life. Work on that and yes I agree with the other posts in here that say work on your own sense of self-worth. The rest will sort itself out from there.

IMO, to work on your sense of self-worth, first disentangle from all the drama of this woman. Identify any pieces that affected your self-worth, anything that lowered it, your image of yourself and made your emotions lower and more negative. Then work on not believing in those pieces anymore. Get rid of the whole limerence thing (look up limerence and how to get rid of that! There are actual methods and lots of advice for it out there). Then work on moving on from it all.

Another read of mine on all this....it may be true or may not be. But, what I think is, this woman did not affect your real feelings and emotions enough for you to fight for her. Only affected your fantasy based emotions and limerence. That's actually good news. Because she just was not REAL enough.

53 is young enough nowadays, you can find a very nice, and REAL woman to be with.

***

Some specifics:

A while after that, she admits that she is trying to get a job transfer to Poland or Italy so she "can be one step closer to you."

Drama without real action

A few weeks later, I crashed my bicycle and fractured 7 bones. I tell her about it when I am in the hospital. They kept me a few days due to intermittently blanking out. The morning after the wreck, she asked how I am doing, and we briefly talk.

I do not hear from her again for 11 months.

No concern for your well-being

She comes back because she saw that I posted pictures of my new dog. We talked 2 or 3 times, mostly about the dog. She ignores any personal questions at all and disappears again.

Bad big red flag, she ignored personal questions and disappeared again. That's NOT a real relationship.

In early January, while I had spent the past few months watching my dad slowly die, she messages out of the blue. She sends me an alarming message: "I am standing on the 16th floor, and I want to jump. I have nowhere to go. And I don't know what to do. It's scary. But no other way out."

Did you respond to that at all?

I wouldn't have after she didn't bother whatsoever about my well-being.

It was again drama, of course. To get your attention and then idk what, maybe get some help from you to take advantage of you.

I sent a message to one of her friends who knows about me and spent weeks searching newspaper and social media reports from her area. The only thing that I found is that it appears she is now married. I have proof that she was not when we spent time together.

Yeah, not surprising. It all makes the earlier drama sound even more suspect.

I really just want her to be happy, so as long as she met someone new and nice. I can't really ask for much more than that for her. I would genuinely be happy for her. It is not even 100% sure that she is married. It was all in Russian, which I am bad at.

Limerence

If she is married, or even not, why would I be the one that she sent that message to? What could I do to help? Does that mean anything?

Limerence & this is in the past now & was likely a dramatic lie.

She told me several times that she would always come back to me, but I have no idea why she vanishes.

If you asked why and she didn't answer then I would advise you to never talk to her again. To get rid of limerence too, it helps introduce full-on No Contact.

Yeah, she is awful with communication, which is odd because we could talk for 6-8 straight and never run out of things to talk about.

No, she's not "awful" with communication. She's just self-centered or even selfish, no real attention on you. So she doesn't bother with putting the time and energy and effort into communication with you.

I can't even begin to describe the pain that I have been in the last few years. I can not block her or yell at her. Yes, I am angry, but I am not the type to lash out. What's the point? I would lose her and be 100% alone.

You would lose a fantasy. Not a real woman.

She is literally the only person on this planet that will talk to me at all, more than simple "hi, how are you" because I am garbage. It will be 3 years this summer since I have seen her in person, and she is still the first and last thing I think of every day. Honestly, I love her as much today as I did when she was with me.

Limerence....no, you can work on going out and eventually find people who will be happy to talk to you.

This isn't even the worst that I have been treated and is not really that bad. It is confusing, is all. I am trash and deserve all the embarrassing reasons women have broken up with me.

Therapy or support groups or self-help resources (apps, blogs, articles, books) will help with the depressive thoughts.

I just can't get a fix on her behavior. I knew that she had some mental issues, but I could never put my finger on it. She had never been diagnosed with anything, as far as I know. I was shocked that she was at the point where she was thinking of jumping.

Probably a lie, drama for sure though.

I realize that no one here knows her or the full story, but does anyone have any insight into this behavior?

To really sum it up as short as possible: dramatic woman online who doesn't have a real relationship with you and never did and never will.

Maybe it will help me get over her, or more likely, help me deal with whatever this relationship has become (...) so it will definitely be my last.

There was NEVER a relationship here. So most definitely not your last relationship.

Key words again:

Limerence
Bad and dangerous online drama
Depression
Self-worth and purpose of sense for your own life

[qwerty68]

Thanks for your responses. I will try fill in some blanks that people brought up.

I have been treated horribly by women pretty much all my life. A recent example. About a year ago I tried to meet friends, it went about like you would expect. I did actually find someone briefly. She stopped talking to me because I inspired her to try to get back with an ex. She dated him for 8 years and he took a job back east and moved without discussing it with her. That is not even an unusual thing to happen to me. She came over to tell me and told me how fun and kind I was, blah, blah, blah, hugged me and left. She did say we could text from time to time, we did talk, with her often initiating the conversation, and a week later she blocked me. We had no arguments and she never expressed that I upset her. We mainly talked about her work and any movies coming up, hardly conversations where I might upset her.

She wasn't the first person to stop talking with me because I am so awful, an abuser from their past looks good in comparison.

True, I never went to Russia but many times I followed her all day in video chats. Even a long time at her work. I never found an inconsistency or anything else suspect. I could have looked at my watch and told you where she is and what she is doing with high accuracy. Weird, but it is possible to know someone you haven't spent a lot of time with in person.

She could leave Russia without her ex's approval, but would have to leave her son behind, which she could not do.

I wish I knew why she disappears and I know no one here would know why. It is frustrating. I never told her about my dad because I was afraid she would disappear for years.

A few months before we met in person, she hurt her neck and spent a week in the hospital. We talked and she would send pictures from the hospital and whatnot, but she was trying to pull away and say that I would not want her anymore because it is too much to help her through that, which was crap and told her as much. Why wouldn't I help as I could?

I am not abusive or manipulative. I am pretty shy, ugly, stupid, and very boring. I live a quiet, slow-paced life. I was married once to someone who treated me very coldly from the day we were married and eventually left us with no stated reason. Two summers ago, she texts me to apologize for how she treated me. If I need help she is always there for me, even though she was not when we married. I guess I don't understand relationships at all.

I could go on for hundreds of paragraphs. People get treated the way they deserve, I get ignored, laughed at, dismissed, and generally treated badly. If I were not garbage that would not happen, or at least not happen all the time, right?

Why it's outright dangerous: it's dangerous to emotional and psychological well-being, even if you don't get cheated out of money or other problems. Intimacy online is *not* real intimacy. Moreover, many people online can and will lie about anything, as just sometimes meeting in person is very, very far from enough. So as soon as one lie gets in there, you can sit all day trying to figure out how all it adds up. It will never add up, pointless to try. I mean, if you have a few years to waste on trying to find all the lies, maybe you can identify some of the actual lies but it's not worth the time spent on it.

When I first met her, I was suspicious because of how fast things went. I saved all of the chat logs and videos. It is like 30GB of data. I never found an inconsistency or lie. We did have an intimate relationship, online and off. If she was playing games, and it is certainly possible, what would be the endgame?

She never asked for money, she insisted on paying half when we were together. In fact, she spent more than me because of getting a visa and having to fly to Siberia for the visa interview. She paid for all of it.

It is no exaggeration that we spent more time talking over 8 months before meeting than most people dating do in two years. If it wasn't real, I can't imagine what she got out of this.

I do not want to marry her - trust is long gone - I can't let go and deep down, really don't want to. Not only because that means I will spend the rest of my life alone. I am not trying to argue with you or dismiss your valuable advice. I am just trying to work things out of my mind out loud.

Could I go back to wanting to marry her? It would take a lot of effort on her part and I am certainly not worth it. I think what this is really about is finding reasons to move on from her. Well, not move on as much as finding peace in my solitude.

I knew a person that was married for about 10 years and she was blind-sided by what he did. I guess you really can't know anyone.

Did you respond to that at all?

I wouldn't have after she didn't bother whatsoever about my well-being.

It was again drama, of course. To get your attention and then idk what, maybe get some help from you to take advantage of you.

I did respond. A lot. Even if I didn't care for her, I would still respond. It is not in my nature to not.

She didn't read most of the messages for nearly two months. Sending that and then not even reading most of what I wrote for about 2 months is attention-seeking behavior? That confuses me, but I am a social moron.

After briefly talking last week, she is back in disappear mode. Almost three years of disappearing and coming back. If she wants attention, she isn't asking for a lot of it.

Limerence

I learned a new word today.

You would lose a fantasy. Not a real woman.

But, she is a real woman. I am confused.

Limerence....no, you can work on going out and eventually find people who will be happy to talk to you.

If I could avoid a panic attack caused by going out and meeting people. And if I could figure out where to meet people. I am extremely avoidant.

Therapy or support groups or self-help resources (apps, blogs, articles, books) will help with the depressive thoughts.

Therapy broke me in the late 90's, they just want to drug me which has only caused severe side-effects with no benefit. After 30+ meds over 22 years, and lots of pain and medical issues, I jumped off that train.

I have been reading a lot of stuff online. Especially about loneliness and developing personal relationships. They seem to assume that this is a transient state and it is hard to relate to that. Even in the rare times I had friends and close relationships, I always felt alone.

There was NEVER a relationship here. So most definitely not your last relationship.

I guess I have never had a relationship because this one was the strongest and most real feeling, by far. If I haven't in 53 years, it is likely I won't.

I think I understand that her behavior shows a lack of concern, but that is pretty normal in my experience.

Thanks for everyone's feedback. I will think about it and see what I can do with it. If you have any questions, comments or whatever, I would be grateful.

[Gawain]

I kept waiting for the part where she would start asking for money in some form or another, I'm actually really surprised that never happened, because a lot of he behavior, how quickly the relationship got off and your comments about your perceived self worth really made it seem like you were a classic victim for a romantic scam.

But if there truly has not been any attempt at it for so long then I'd hazard to guess she's has some mental issues, possibly serious ones if she sent you a message hinting at possible suicide, and she connected with you for whichever reason but she's nowhere near stable to have anything even resembling a healthy relationship or perhaps even friendship.

Honestly, if I was in your shoes, I'd treat her existence as a sort of. how could I call it?, a box of surprises perhaps? she's not someone you should continue to make a cornerstone of your life and you would do well to assume that every time you have contact with her it may well be the last. But as long as you can keep such boundaries, just try to enjoy whenever she's around, if she's the only person you hit it off to any serious degree right now then just enjoy her when she's around but try to keep enough emotional distance because she's clearly unstable somehow.

A tough balance to try and maintain for sure but I think it's the best you could do.

[divine1966]

I am confused. You are debating and discussing marrying her yet she is already married to someone else. How could you possibly marry her?

She went on getting married while you assumed you are in a relationship. Since it’s very unlikely she married someone the day she stopped talking to you, it’s obvious she was in a relationship with the other person for quite awhile. I am not sure why you can’t translate the message her friend sent you. Plenty of translating apps. Heck send me a pm and I’ll translate it for you

You can’t say you followed her everywhere and know everything about her when she’d be gone for months and one time like 11 months? She is gone for a year. You’ve no idea what she is doing

Well yeah she is real but relationship is a fantasy. It’s non existent. I think you are so afraid of being treated badly that you settle for fantasy with someone who you don’t even know well.

If you enjoy this correspondence then why not but if it upsets you you might want to try stopping it. You ask what’s the endgame. Plenty of people talk to people online, including intimate sex or romantic talk. There is no endgame. Boredom, escape from daily life, who knows. But it’s not uncommon at all. Even if people are married like this woman. If she is married, it’s unwise to keep pursuing her

Please try to maybe meet local people even if just for a conversation. This woman is not it

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by qwerty68

I am not trying to argue with you or dismiss your valuable advice. I am just trying to work things out of my mind out loud.

That's totally okay. Feel free to talk out loud if that helps with thinking. You could consider support groups too for this.

Some more comments, I don't think I'll have more input in future though.

I mean there's a lot of people who don't care that much or try to treat others bad, true. Go only for the people who care to do good treatment of you and of other people. It's important to be selective. Keep in mind a few important principles like that and it will help.

And panic attacks are absolutely treatable. Exposure treatment is plenty great for fear based problems in general. Etc. so it doesn't have to get in the way of going out eventually.

Also, you might want to find resources on loneliness and intimacy issues that don't assume it's transient, then. I've seen that kind of writing before. All that's totally stuff that you can work through even if it will take a while.

Also this blocking thing, it's again because it's online. Online it's so easy to flick a button to block the other person. Because the online interactions and online relationships are just different from what an interaction is like in actual reality. They are artificial at best even if the person isn't trying to take advantage of you, and no good for mental and emotional health and wellbeing.

Where I said this woman wasn't real I meant it was mostly an online relationship and that you only really knew part of her, not the whole of her. Video chats are still far from what real life would show. You really cannot know a person from a distance. Like you said, even after a marriage new things can be revealed about a person, let alone if it's mostly online, video chats and whatnot. And if this whole story didn't have inconsistencies, you wouldn't be feeling confused.

The fact that you could not share about your dad is very telling too, if this was a real, and actually good relationship where you can have support from your partner, where they are actually there for you, you would tell them about your dad, you would have no fears about that.

I did respond. A lot. Even if I didn't care for her, I would still respond. It is not in my nature to not.

She didn't read most of the messages for nearly two months. Sending that and then not even reading most of what I wrote for about 2 months is attention-seeking behavior? That confuses me, but I am a social moron.

Yeah it's possible she just got distracted after that. She seems to have acted on some whim - which is still attention-seeking to me, yes - and then went back to her own life. I would be plenty livid myself TBH. Being told all that about suicide, and then they just get distracted like that. I would feel like I am just being taken for granted and that I'm fully replaceable to them. So then I'd reject that and refuse to let it affect my self-worth, and that's what I recommend to you too.

I guess I have never had a relationship because this one was the strongest and most real feeling, by far. If I haven't in 53 years, it is likely I won't.

How about turning that around! If this was the first time you've felt this strongly, that means you can feel strongly again. Not a cause for despair but for rejoicing.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by Gawain

I kept waiting for the part where she would start asking for money in some form or another, I'm actually really surprised that never happened, because a lot of he behavior, how quickly the relationship got off and your comments about your perceived self worth really made it seem like you were a classic victim for a romantic scam.

But if there truly has not been any attempt at it for so long then I'd hazard to guess she's has some mental issues, possibly serious ones if she sent you a message hinting at possible suicide, and she connected with you for whichever reason but she's nowhere near stable to have anything even resembling a healthy relationship or perhaps even friendship.

It could still have been an attempt at taking advantage of OP... she may just have decided someone else was a better target. Like, the person she apparently ended up marrying since then. And keeps OP around too "just in case", useful relationship potential if she needs anything out of him later. You never know. Just because it's been a few years, it doesn't mean anything. She's turned out to be married anyhow based on an earlier post of OP above. Apparently she's never bothered to inform OP of this important fact. She just disappears for long months after a dramatic video that played on OP's emotions, then lets him know she decided she can't marry him, yet does more drama about moving nearer to him, and then continues to withhold all personal information about herself.

It's all just so totally not okay and triggers SO many red flags for me it's not funny. I'm just adding this response to your post for OP's sake.

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am not sure why you can’t translate the message her friend sent you. Plenty of translating apps. Heck send me a pm and I’ll translate it for you

Now I am confused. I guess I was not super clear. Her friend never responded to me. I can sort of read Russian and of course can use translation software.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by qwerty68

Now I am confused. I guess I was not super clear. Her friend never responded to me. I can sort of read Russian and of course can use translation software.

You said you found out she is married. I thought you found out from a friend. My mistake.

You then said you aren’t 100% sure she is married because it was “all in Russian” and you are bad at it. I thought “all in Russian” was friend’s message, I see I was wrong.

But regardless if it was a friend of social media or a newspaper, you can translate it and be 100% sure. No reason to be unsure because it’s in Russian. It could be translated

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by Gawain

I kept waiting for the part where she would start asking for money in some form or another, I'm actually really surprised that never happened, because a lot of he behavior, how quickly the relationship got off and your comments about your perceived self worth really made it seem like you were a classic victim for a romantic scam.

But if there truly has not been any attempt at it for so long then I'd hazard to guess she's has some mental issues, possibly serious ones if she sent you a message hinting at possible suicide, and she connected with you for whichever reason but she's nowhere near stable to have anything even resembling a healthy relationship or perhaps even friendship.

Honestly, if I was in your shoes, I'd treat her existence as a sort of. how could I call it?, a box of surprises perhaps? she's not someone you should continue to make a cornerstone of your life and you would do well to assume that every time you have contact with her it may well be the last. But as long as you can keep such boundaries, just try to enjoy whenever she's around, if she's the only person you hit it off to any serious degree right now then just enjoy her when she's around but try to keep enough emotional distance because she's clearly unstable somehow.

A tough balance to try and maintain for sure but I think it's the best you could do.

That is good advice. Thanks. I think that is what I am trying to do, find a good balance so my day doesn't hang in the balance based on if we talk. It is hard though, for many reasons, especially since I am trying to get my mind to accept that I will be alone forever. It should be super easy to accept. After all, before I met my Russian friend I was dateless and friendless for 17 consecutive years. But, I am having trouble accepting that.

For nearly a year, she really spoiled me. I have known her for 3.5 years, so I guess overall that is not great.


I actually get targeted by scammers a lot. If I am bored, I talk to them to see where it goes. I am always careful not give them enough information to let them know exactly who I am. I figure that if they are talking to me, they aren't scamming someone else, and honestly, it is super nice to have someone to talk to. Even a scammer. Is that pathetic? They are getting more sophisticated than they were 20 years ago, but it is still easy to find holes in their story.

Thanks to everyone who responded. It was useful just to get it out there and everyone gave me useful things to think about.

[Bill3]

especially since I am trying to get my mind to accept that I will be alone forever

It sounds like you are trying to accept what you don't want or value. What if instead you take steps towards connection, which you do seem to want and value? Maybe volunteer in the community, take a class, that sort of thing?

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It sounds like you are trying to accept what you don't want or value. What if instead you take steps towards connection, which you do seem to want and value? Maybe volunteer in the community, take a class, that sort of thing?

I have about 270 college credits, didn't help much with my social life.

It seems that if I was going to make a connection, it would have happened by now. But, who knows?

I have been wanting to volunteer, I did apply at a few places but things went crazy. When things calm down with my mom and I have time that I can commit. At the very least it would be nice to be useful to people.

Thanks

[Rive.]

It seems that if I was going to make a connection, it would have happened by now

Not if you believe you are garbage and deserve abuse. If that is the way you see yourself, that is what you will project on the outside & that it the type of 'relationship' you will attract.

Working on your self-image / self-esteem would be the place to start.

[Discombobulated]

I’m so sorry you went through this, from an outsider reading it I don’t know why she acted like she did but it sounds to me like she treated you poorly. Like Bill said, the accident, the loss of your dad, a real friend would’ve been there for you whatever uncomfortable emotions you were going through.

Idk Qwerty I may be wrong but I wonder if your self esteem issues are leading you to tolerate poor behaviour for crumbs of affection? You don’t sound like trash to me, you sound very caring and thoughtful, it would be a shame to my mind if you gave up on relationships at just 53 because of bad experience. But I do think working on your own anxieties and connections could be positive, and hope you’ll keep posting here too as there’s some good people who will support you. Take good care.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It sounds like you are trying to accept what you don't want or value. What if instead you take steps towards connection, which you do seem to want and value? Maybe volunteer in the community, take a class, that sort of thing?