I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

Grey rock!

I'm glad you are getting a chance to feel balanced emotionally and mentally.

Just a tip for you, record the feeling you have now in whatever writing you do as a reminder when you are tempted by manipulation from your husband of how you feel moving away from him. I know you didn't ask for this advice. Personally, I think it's very helpful to record all your feelings so you can focus on moving forward toward happiness.

Enjoy the peace and quiet. You've earned the break from the drama.

Thank you, @RollercoasterLover.

I did record these feelings - I think you're right that it's good to write this down as I feel and experience the good feelings again, and to re-read it, especially when he tries to manipulate me again.

So, here's my next concern and problem, and I need your advice on this one, please.

How do I survive the smear campaign that I know my narc husband will instigate with all his friends and possibly with our mutual group of friends?

I found an old text of his from the first time we separated, and he blamed me and my "drinking" and unemployment for the problems we had.

So, I am anticipating more blame and a smear campaign. I anticipate that he will tell everyone that I am "crazy" and "psychotic" and he will have some amount of evidence of it because I am on medications and have been hospitalized.

I don't know if I can simply just hold my head high in knowing he is wrong and lying to them.

What do I do?

You had the same concern last time you broke up.

Honestly who cares. If these people are of any importance to you like family or close personal friends, then they won’t listen to this.

If these are non sequential people then who cares? He was blaming you to his coworker. Is this coworker important to you?

People know that divorcing couples sometimes get nasty. Usually no ove cares. If any of my friends were divorcing and their spouses called me and said “ hey she’s crazy and psychotic”. What am I supposed to do with this info. I don’t care what’s happening in their marriage. Heck maybe she’s actually psychotic and on meds but it has nothing to with my friendship. I can still be friends

What’s going on in two peoples personal relationships is private. If he chooses to talk about it to whole lot of people you can’t really stop him (unless it effects your employment like if he calls your work). I think you can get lawyer involved if it effects your work. But if he blabs to his dancing buddies at the bar or his own coworker (or cashier in a grocery store), who cares

Are they going to stop talking to you because he said you are crazy? What kind of friends are they then? Why are they important to you then?

Thanks @divine1966. What you're saying makes perfect logical sense. However, inside I am sickened by the thought. Just sickened. I am very much all about justice, truth and fairness. I get very upset by injustices and lies, especially when they're directed at me.

I suppose I have to just know that his friends are NOT MY friends, and that my true friends all know the truth. And our mutual group of friends? I just don't know what to do.

Repeating myself....he is going to do and say whatever he thinks will work to keep you his ""prisoner" He is like a spoiled child throwing tantrums....I mean talking to strangers and crying?

I know - who the hell talks so in depth with a store cashier and so intimately about their relationship or marriage????? He has NO sense of boundaries and is looking for pity wherever he can find it. It's pathetic.

I am still grey rocking him and it helps me maintain distance from him.

I get it. Not everything could be just logical. Of course it’s upsetting.

But you are asking what to do. There’s absolutely nothing you can do. Yes injustice is unfair but there’s nothing one can do in regards to what other people are saying or doing. Unless it’s becoming a legal issue. You have no control

There’s nothing you can do about him talking to mutual friends. It’s out of your control. If they want to be busy bodies and meddle in other peoples marriages, you don’t need them as friends anyways. And they know you two had marital problems and separated before so I doubt they’d want to listen on who did what. Let them talk.

There’s only one thing you can do. Not marry or get into relationships with types of people who do smear campaigns. But that ship sailed. Focus on what you can do, not on what you cannot. If you had a good therapist (not the one you have) it would be a great topic to discuss.

I get it you are upset but try to stay reasonable. It’s out of your control what’s he saying and to whom

I know you're right. It is out of my hands, and I have no control over what he says or does.

I quit my bad therapist and need to find a new one who specializes in abusive relationships.

I also am thinking of moving out of state when my lease ends in June. I think I want a fresh start, somewhere that's only 1 hour north and still close enough to my family for visits. It could be.exactly what I need.

I bet he wasn’t even talking to a cashier. I shared it before that I had an ex who after all attempts to get me back, made up a story of being diagnosed with advanced cancer, going into surgery, not knowing if he’ll make it and he’s possibly dying. He had no cancer, no surgeries and wasn’t dying. Just saying

Not a bad idea. Check with your work if they are ok with you working from a different state. Some remote companies don’t care if you aren’t in a state but some do. Otherwise you could move within your state just further away. Sometimes fresh start is what you need.

It sounds like your planning on having to defend yourself after your split is more widely known. That it's you vs him and the winner is whoever collects the most friends. It's not a battle and can't be if you choose to mindfully rise above it all. Simply put, don't behave the way he paints you to the world. You can't out argue a manipulator. They are masterful at taking your words and actions and using them against you. Stop giving him ammunition to use against you by not engaging at all. If he and the friends he collects in the end prefer to gossip and run rumors, you haven't lost anything worth keeping.

Win by being happier without him than you are with him. Practice these words "I understand that he is saying things about me. Thank you for letting me know. I appreciate your concern for my happiness." And let it go. Anyone who was trying to get you to react (aka manipulate you) isn't someone to be friends with. Anyone who tries to keep talking about it (aka manipulate you) needs a reminder that you are choosing to be happy despite what rumors he starts.

Prioritize being happy and let being right go. After all is said and done, do you want to have happiness or righteous indignation as the good thing in your life. You can't have both in a conflict.

All the best to you.

Thank you all. Yes I will check with work about moving out of state. And yes, I’m anticipating a smear campaign. I also anticipate the great discard and him moving onto another woman very quickly.

Everything right now just feels painful. I think he’s already discarding me. He hasn’t texted all day - we have not messaged since yesterday. I finally blocked him on Facebook messenger because I saw him on it all day - probably talking to women is my guess.

Today I’ve felt lonely and depressed. I think I’m trauma bonded to him. I miss the good parts of him but I know logically it’s all a facade. And the bad far outweighs the good. I just feel very lonely.

The best thing I can tell you in front of the possible gossips someone may spread about you. In this case your husband, is what it has been mentioned: People who listen to a rumour and spread them or believe them without testing are so guilty as the one who began it all. So, they aren’t worthy in your life.

Then, in regards to how to take it. I know it’s tough and unfair, but most of the times, the best battles are the ones that are not fought. It will be made stronger not to react.

There are millions of people out there. I’m sure you can get real friends. Anyway, don’t discard the possibility of these friends of your husband being decent people. You don’t still know.
Never lose hope, HH

P.S.: I also had always a high sense of justice but it took me to make errors and sometimes I lost more than I won. And put fairness and justice over people and the second change everyone deserve as a person.

When you .know someone commit an injustice with you. Feel sad but console yourself. You have the right to be sad and feel bad but it will pass, before you believe by not intervening. You will grow stronger. .

Let me get this straight. He loves you so much, he can't live without you, and he also badmouths you to your mutual friends?

Look at it this way: the more he badmouths you, the less you will be tempted to let him back in!!

Here is an idea: tell people that you are taking the high road and not getting involved in a word war. This will be healthy for you and also it subtly reminds them that he is taking the low road, and they will also be reminded not to believe everything he says.

Thank you @AzulOscuro. What you say makes perfect sense, so thank you for writing that. It helps!!



@Bill3, he hasn't badmouthed me yet. I am just anticipating this because I know he did this the last time we separated, but to his own friends. I like your advice - thank you!!

I'm suffering from anxiety every day now, and I don't know what it's about - I don't know if it's anxiety over being alone in life, or about a potential smear campaign, or what. It's really annoying and I've had to take meds every day to calm it.

Last night a came across a really good term for badmouthing and any other aggressive/intentionally negative actions after separation:

post-separation abuse

@Bill3 that sounds about right.

Feeling anxious is normal under the circumstances. It doesn’t mean it is east. But it’s understandable .

I think I have a fear of abandonment. I’m anxious about him trying to connect with other women while we’re still living under the same roof. We agreed not to date, but I see him on Facebook messenger all day and wonder what he’s up to on there and if he’s trying to connect t with single women. It’s making me anxious. I don’t need to be hurt any more than I have been. Narcissists are notorious for discarding and immediately replacing. I have a fear of this. I’m alone and am dealing with the emotions of the breakup. If he’s already moving on it’s not only deceitful but it’s just plain wrong and hurtful.

Well if he’s already looking for women, then it’s another proof he’s not trustworthy. I doubt he is already dating though. He has no place to live staying in the same house with his soon to be ex. He can’t afford anything and borrows from his wife. How can he afford to go on a date? Who’ll date him? He’s obsessed with social media and spends too much time on there. It’s not real life. His real life sucks. You might want to stop looking on what’s he doing if it bothers you. He likely just throwing pity party crying poor me I am so lonely to everyone who’ll listen. Pathetic

I don't have Facebook (gasp) so I'm curious how you know he's using messenger all day and not just logged in but not actually using it. Can he tell you've been watching his activity? Is he watching you watching him?

What he's doing and who he's talking to isn't really important to your future. Wasting your time, energy and sanity focusing on him and his activity isn't going to bring you to your best life. Besides, it's what abusers hope their victims will do... return the focus onto them so things can continue.

Focus on you, your life and your future.

That’s a good point. He might be doing it on purpose knowing you’ll see he is on there. He knows how to play the game luring women in. Don’t fall into the trap. He’s pathetic sitting all day on Facebook. Seriously, a grown man.