I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

It's OK to talk to people. It isn't stupid or bad. That's what support groups provide... easing loneliness and talking things out. There are other people going through the same things you are who are safer than a random facebook contact. Do you know if there's a separated and divorced women's support group in your area?

Even if you aren't up for support in that area, maybe a grief support group can help. It's OK to just listen to other people and not talk about your own situation until you're ready.

All the best.

I find support groups very helpful. I attend them for mental health issues. I also do a couple of 12 step groups.

I may join one, once he moves out. I am having a lot of trouble finding a new therapist, which I am really bummed about. I will keep trying, but it's proving to not be easy. What I really want is a good therapist who knows abuse and who can help guide me through the aftermath of all the abuse. Yesterday, I was really angry at him. I took out all my anger on him and dumped it on him, blocking him in the process. I know a part of it has to do with being angry at myself too, but a lot of my anger towards him feels 100% justifiable. I am indignant over his treatment of me and I am disgusted by his attempts to manipulate me and my emotions. He tries to control my emotions by provoking me to anger. I have to not let that happen.

Today I feel more at peace - though of course it's short lived since he comes back soon. Or, maybe I can still carry this feeling inside, knowing we are done and that I am leaving an unhealthy situation. It boosts my self esteem to know inside that I am choosing a healthier path for myself - and that getting out of abuse is the first step. Rediscovering myself is the next step.

My husband is acting like a lost, hurt puppy right now. His mother is worse, she refuses to eat and she could die of starvation. They have to transfer her to a hospital now and force feed her.

He tells me he is "lost and confused" and in "agony" over us, his mother and his hurt back.

How can he be confused about us? I have made myself 100% clear: I have stated that once again, he's lost my trust due to more broken promises, and I no longer am in love with him. What's so confusing about that?

Why does he have to say these things to me? I think he's trying to pull on my sympathy strings and manipulate me into feeling sorry for him and for what I am "doing to him".

AND, I showed an old boyfriend (whom I ran into recently) a photo of my husband from our wedding. He said he looks like a total douchebag and he can tell. How come I couldn't pick up on this????

Force feeding is absolutely illegal. They don’t force feed in the hospital. Your husband tells you scary stories which simply aren’t true. It’s typical for elderly in a very bad shape to stop eating or at limit food intake. Often digestion of food is too much of a strain on a body and makes them sick.

Usually refusal to eat is a big sign of rapid declining in elderly and possibly on their way to the end As sad as the whole thing is sadly it’s a progression of things. It’s not easy to watch parents deteriorate with age but no need to act ridiculous and make up stories. His mothers doctor should be able to explain what’s happening without adding dramatic effects

I don’t know if one can judge by looks. But judging by his actions prior and during the wedding and during honeymoon, he most certainly is an a$$hole. I thought it was obvious.

I knew it was obvious then - only days before our wedding.

Today I am out of town with my mother. He calls, so I call him back, and he's crying saying if his plane crashes, that he loves me and isn't talking to women like I suspect he is..

SO DRAMATIC. He's a drama queen. Everything with him is always so drastic.

The other day it was "I have nothing to live for". Drama drama drama.

I am on a drama lite diet. lol.

If the plane crashes? What a manipulator.

I know, seriously?

I have GOT to disengage again. He is downplaying the fights we had and the insults he slung at me and is questioning how I can throw away a marriage over a few fights and one bad month. I finally just blurted out, yet again, that I no longer love him and that I don't wish to continue in the marriage.

He is trying to weaken me or my argument for divorcing. More manipulation. He is also trying to weaken my argument for not trusting anything he has to say.

He broke yet another promise to me - doesn't it make sense then that I conclude he is therefore, untrustworthy in all regards?

I told him to leave me alone and to stop talking about it - that I am not going to rehash the same points over and over again.

What a pain in the as* this is.

I don’t really understand. It’s not something that require consensus or agreement. You don’t need to present an argument for divorce. You could present an argument for buying a house or investing into something, it would require consensus. If one person doesn’t want to be married, then they don’t. Divorce and break up do not require consensus. I think last time you separated, you had this back and forth too for months. Eventually you ended up together because he won.

This is really weird. I understand that one person might not be ok with the end of marriage but even then this back and forth isn’t warranted. It almost feels as you aren’t 100% sure yourself that’s why you allow this ongoing argument until he wins. There should not be an argument. Sure nice discussion is ok but if the other person isn’t accepting of your decision, it’s fine, but you can’t continue arguing why you want to be divorced.

It’s enough for one person to want a divorce for it to go forward. He doesn’t need to consent

That’s why I cannot engage in it further. What’s to understand? I’m not uncertain. He is trying to manipulate me and weaken me. I don’t understand your confusion. I’m committed to my decision.

Then just don’t engage. Don’t explain anything. You said you are leaving abusive marriage. Explaining reasons or argue with abusers is a losing game. Doesn’t matter if you don’t trust him or don’t love him. Reasoning isn’t required. Explaining to a manipulator why you want to be divorced leads to him explaining why you reasons are wrong. It’s never ending pointless cycle. You can’t win it

“I don’t want to be married and want to get divorce, I’ll file for it asap”. That’s all you need to say. It sounded to me as you present him with argument for divorce and he doesn’t agree and than you’ve been going back and forth adding more reasons and trying to get him to agree. He can’t weaken you if you don’t engage. He doesn’t hold the power.

I’d also talk to abuse advocate what to do if he doesn’t leave you alone, like if he keeps you up at night being loud trying to argue. That falls into abuse category.

I agree - he just makes it far harder. I have to develop a thicker skin and stronger boundaries around him. I have to be strong. He tries to get in and at me in any way that he can, and he did yesterday by calling me crying. I feed into his manipulations and I fall for them, especially given what's happening with his mother. It's all just very hard on me.

He was probably high when he was calling crying. I’ve got drunk texts and crying calls when trying to leave the person with substance abuse issues. That’s not unusual. Crying calls is a manipulation.

Yes, that's how I see it - it's all a part of the manipulation, and I fed right into it, which makes me feel SO stupid. I am kicking myself.

If you're up for a suggestion, let every call go to voice mail. Instead of calling back, text back only if absolutely necessary... don't respond to manipulative stuff. There shouldn't be much you need to respond to anyway.

Him leaving a voice mail and you controlling WHEN to respond may help you not engage in his game. It also gives you a chance to think before responding instead of a phone call which requires a faster response.

For those times when in person conflict is inevitable, practice using a firm boundry... "It's clear we disagree. I will not continue discussing it with you." Then walk away.

It's empowering to be in control of your emotions and behavior. Walking away from his manipulations sends a clear message that you won't engage at all.

Thanks so much for the suggestions.

What do I do when he insists on talking while we're still living together? He just did that. He came home and I saw him for the first time in a week. He said, let me just say this one thing. Well, that one thing turned into a 15 minute diatribe about all the good things he has done in this relationship, how he hasn't stepped out of our marriage except for the one time and not since getting back together, and how my loss of trust in him has nothing to do with that and only boils down to a "few fights" we had, as he put it.

I finally just told him he is repeating himself and that I don't care to discuss it further. As he tried again to rope me back into an argument about us, I had to repeat myself, "I don't want to continue talking about this". Finally, I got pushed too hard, and I blurted out "you have no respect for me. In these fights, you treated me with total disrespect, not just once but several times, and you have failed me as a husband. You have killed my love for you", is what I told him.

At this point, he told me he agrees to no longer discuss it, that he wants to move out as quickly as he can, and he doesn't want to be here either.

Then we said from now on we will be courteous and nice to each other.

He now has left to go clean up the place he will be moving back into. And I am left reeling and pissed off.

Well I think it's good that he is finally accepting your decision and has agreed to move out soon.

True enough! Thanks for pointing out a positive.

It’s good he’s going to clean the place. First step in him moving out.

Yes! He is telling me he now accepts my decision. I think telling him I no longer love him stopped him from continuing the argument and it got him to accept my decision.

I went out last night by myself and talked to a cute guy. I initiated the conversation. We had a nice conversation, but he left after a while.

And I realized when I got home that I really need to learn to be alone. My typical "get over it" response to a breakup is to have a rebound man. I don't want to do that this time. I want to stand on my own two feet and just deal with being alone. I will join meetups or support groups when I am ready.

What I'd really like is a support group for narcissistic abuse. I worry that I am seriously damaged from all the abuse over the years. I don't have much faith in my own gut, or much faith in my judgement of people. I put myself down in my thoughts about myself, and I catch myself doing this. I want to heal and recover. I want to read, learn and grow. This is what I must do, not look for a rebound man.

What do you do when he insists on talking.? Don't respond or engage, he wants to start an argument. I know how hard that is to do.....but if you dont', this back and forth thing will never end. Repeating myself, he is an emotional vampire, and wants and needs for you to respond. You are trying to logical with an ILLogical person.

Agreed and I understand what you mean. I did stop the conversation and I did tell him twice that I will not continue talking about it. So, I did stop engaging after I initially let him talk to me about it. I cut him off after a while, so there's that at least.

And now he’s playing the pity me role. It’s almost pulling on my guilt strings, which I’m sure is his intention. He wants me to feel bad. He’s moving some of his belongings today. I refuse to give into his pity me tactics. He’s done this to himself and has only himself to blame.

And what’s nuts is if he hadn’t fought with me for an entire month and if he hadn’t severely insulted and gaslighted me, I probably would be continuing in the relationship. It would have ended eventually. But I know in my heart and mind - he had insulted me for the very last time. I will not feel bad for him. I do pity him though. It’s truly pathetic. He’s pathetic,