I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

I do understand you.

Now he's pulling the pity me and feel sorry for me routine. At least I am aware of it while he's doing it and am not feeding into it.

He leaves Sat for 5 days and then I get to go away myself for one night with mom. So I won't see him for 6 days in total, which will be an enormous relief.

Shut off your phone.

At least fir 48 hours at a time.

RDM

I wish I could. We still have to deal with bills and rent together.

It's like the more he talks, the angrier I get and the more I lash out at him, accusing him of things. Yesterday he tried to claim he has "no one to talk to", even though I see him on FB instant messenger on and off all day long. You can see when someone is active on messenger - it tells you so. So he's lying. I tell him he's likely talking to single women, and he denies it. I don't believe for one second that he wouldn't immediately start trying to flirt and hook up with a single woman right now. We have an agreement that while we're living together, we won't date anyone. But I just do not trust him. Especially when he says he has no one to talk to, yet he's on Facebook messenger all day?!?

I have to back off and exit from all the drama. I cannot take it and it's just too much negative energy spent.

He leaves tomorrow for 5 days - YAY.

And today is my birthday - oh joy. I am trying to turn this into a good day for myself. I am going out tonight to celebrate with a girlfriend.

Happy, happy Birthday (mine was yesterday).....yes go out and celebrate! Remember anything he says....is a lie; he will continue to try and convince you what a nice guy he is. Also remember, abuse is a CHOICE. Most abusers only pick one one person (the one they are supposed to love), they don't do it to others, because they know others...would not put up with it.

It's also that they have to maintain the facade of being a good person to the entire outside world, except to the person they supposedly love... it's all behind closed doors for a reason.

But, now, he's trying to convince ME of what a good person he is. Not happening.

And I'm convinced he will continue to abuse the next woman. It's not just me - it's any woman, he will abuse.

And thanks for the happy bday wishes - happy bday to you too!!!

I will go out and will have some fun tonight, for sure. I'm having lunch with mom.

So he sounds (being on messenger all day) like he immediately plugs gaps with other people? He says he’s lonely and that might be true, he might never have genuine connection with people, just using them to plug gaps in his day. Well done for spotting that pattern.

I hope you have a peaceful birthday and like RDM says maybe mute the phone (you can check later for important messages) to give yourself a break.

Not only that, but he's outright lying to me by saying he has no one to talk to. BS. He's on messenger all day and I can see him active on there. He's full of it. And yes, it's probably not even a genuine connection.

And thanks so much. I am trying to minimize any drama and negativity today. People are sending me happy bday messages on FB and my girlfriend was blowing up my phone this morning with her own drama. I need to step back from the phone, yes, and just enjoy the day...

You realised that you are unconsciously giving power to him? In every conversation by reproaching him how he behaves or making comments that gives him a reason to think you aren’t still firm in your decision to be separated from him.

It seems as you don’t still have things clear.
I do understand you though.

Let’s admit you are not still ready to make a choice. What about letting things calm down, engaging as less as possible in conflicts for now and get the support on a therapist specialised on trauma. Don’t rush or react. That makes you feel stronger for future decision-making.

Also, I would take in mind, always, that as much as someone may be mean to ourselves, in a two parties relationship, and much more, in romantic relationships, there’s always responsibilities on both parts.
I’m not blaming anybody, I have to make this clear, I want to mention what I think in general, and in particular ( from my own experiences). I’d always take into consideration the responsibilities on both parts to see the whole picture and a more accurate (objective) scene on what’s going on between myself and another person’s relation or communication. And when I say, responsibility, I use this term by its meaning, very far from guilty or blaming. Ok.

HH, I would accept what’s going on, I would change reactions and give myself the time enough to make myself clear.

In relation to your other post, about not lending him money to travel, whatever you could have done, it’s ok and understanding. Because it’s up to you, the boundaries you set. As long as this boundaries you set are not gonna go against your own well-being and principles.

Sorry this happened to you. I heard a similar story from a friend recently, that his brother invited his (the brother's) ex-wife to move back in with him. My friend warned his brother it was a mistake, the brother didn't listen, the ex-wife moved in...and they're fighting again, like cats and dogs. The ex-wife is now on the lease and the brother will probably have to move to get rid of her.

Some possible advice, moving forward, is that for the duration of your time together, keep a detailed journal about it. All the annoyances, nasty comments, fights, conflicts, etc. And when you're separated from him again, reread it anytime you find yourself tempted to reconnect.

@AzulOscuro, thanks, although that is not accurate. I am 100% clear on my decision. I am angry and bitter at the moment over having let him move back in, let alone having decided to marry this monster.

I am not unclear at all. I know what I want and I want him out of my life for good.

@DoroMona, thank you..... I do keep a good journal of all that's happened in our relationship - from day 1. So I can re-read everything at any time. I have catalogued ALL his behaviors. It does help tremendously to go back and review all the details because it's easy for me to forget the bad especially when he's nice and if I am lonely.

I wrote letters to my ex (not to send, but to get my anger out). Whenever I felt him pulling at me, or I felt lonely, I would read those letters. It always stopped me cold in my tracks from believing his lies or from feeling sorry for myself.

Write about how mad/disappointed you are at yourself in addition to what he says and does. I'm sure you don't want to be in this situation again. Do everything you need to do to remind yourself when you feel weaker about why the stronger you needs to win the battle.

Also, I found an app that prevented me from rage texting my ex. It was actually an app to prevent drunk texting and social media posting, but it worked. Go as no contact as possible and stick only to 'business' communications about bills, house cleaning, etc.

I hope you find peace and move forward towards happiness.

I’d limit talks about bills and rent to once a week. Bills don’t come in daily. I’d not talk to him more than need to. He knows how to drag you in by love bombing. Stay away from him. You can do it

Thank you for the B'day wishes, and I hope you had a nice time going out. You deserve it!

Thanks so much.

And I need that app! lol. I've had a habit of drunk texting at times. Never a good idea!

No, I never want to be in this situation again. The stronger side of myself definitely wins.

I will write in my journal - everything. Maybe it will help.

He sure does know how to drag me in. I won't let him this time.

You're welcome! And I did have fun, thanks!!

So, he was trying to pull a guilt trip on me yesterday - on my birthday. He tried to tell me he is all on his own in California, dealing with his mom, with no support from me.

What am I supposed to do? Hold onto the relationship when I am no longer in love just because it's poor timing and his mother's health is failing? He's trying to make me feel guilty. I won't allow it.

And THEN, he even tried to tell me a story of how he was at a cashier, talking to the cashier, and they ended up talking about how her husband left 10 years ago and my husband was talking about me leaving, and he cried.

MORE MANIPULATION.

First of all, WHY is he telling me a story about a convo he had with a FEMALE cashier, when I am out with a friend on my bday having fun? Was he trying to deliberately trigger me and make me react????? And then to tell me that they both were crying together, or that he cried, well, what is that???? Trying again to pull on my heartstrings and manipulate my emotions?

I completely ignored that text. I did not react and I did not reply.

What a manipulative SOB.

I think I am implementing the "grey rock" method without even realizing it. I am ignoring his manipulative attempts, i am not reacting and I am not engaging. Only short, polite replies with no emotion. It feels good to take my power back!

So he goes shopping and while at the register talks to random cashier about his wife leaving him and then cries.

He must think you are an idiot and would want him back because if the story. If it’s actually true though, then he needs some serious help. So he has a therapist with whom he chit chats but then used random woman (I bet he’d not cry to a guy cashier) for therapy.

My husband is notorious over-sharer, the worst over- sharer I know, like he shows pics of our grandkids to people in grocery line, but even he wouldn’t engage in such embarrassing encounter. Crying at a register?

This guy is full of crap. It’s not true or he manipulates you or he needs some serious help

He is trying to manipulate me. Luckily, I see right through all of it and am not feeding into it. Grey rock.

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(only for the OP)

He's gone for 5 days, today is day 1 and I already feel amazingly at peace. It's great to have him gone, at least for now. We're basically no contact.