I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

@RollercoasterLover, I can tell he's on messenger, because messenger lets you know when someone is on. I"ve blocked him now on messenger so that I'm not tempted to watch him on there and to protect myself from getting upset.

@divine1966, I am pretty sure he's talking to women on there and is trying to gain sympathy or attention. That's what narcs do - they discard you and immediately find a new target. Although, of course I don't REALLY know - it's my guess because this is what he did the last time we were breaking up. He immediately found someone who would take sympathy upon him.

@AzulOscuro, I think it's entirely appropriate for members here to dislike and talk poorly about my abusive narcissistic husband. He has abused me, he has cheated on me, he has lied to me numerous times, he has insulted and demeaned me, he has gaslighted me , he has used me, and he is just plain awful, deep down. Most members here are aware of the entire story with him and this has gone on and on for years. I don't think it's unfair or wrong for people to respond to all the bad and awful things he has done to me, in support of me.

Thanks for the info about messenger. I think blocking him as a means of protecting yourself is a good choice. I get that there are some things you will need to communicate about until some things are resolved/finalized. I think limiting the communication channel is your best option.

You have a few more days of peace and quiet. I hope you take some time to relax and take care 9f yourself. Do something that brings you peace or joy.

Yes, protecting myself is what I must do now. He can message me on my cell phone and that's it.

I am trying to enjoy this time without him, but I feel very tense in knowing that in a few days, he returns and I have to deal with him.

My anxiety is through the roof right now, and I don't quite understand it.

Maybe I am worried that he can destroy me. Right now, I'm in rather good shape, relatively speaking, but if he instigates a smear campaign OR gets with a woman and breaks our agreement, I worry what that will do to me. It's probably why I am SO anxious these days.

He called and freaked over me telling him to move out by November 1. I offered to cover the cost (and he will pay me back) if finances are holding him back from moving out sooner than later. He said, yes that’s why, and I told him it’s not healthy for us to continue living under the same roof for very long. He then went on to say why is this happening and how is this happening. He still doesn’t get it, even after I’ve told him several times.

Everything revolved around my husband, in every way. And I became socially isolated. He didn't see friends, so I barely saw friends. I don't even have many local friends, which is what is bothering me right now.

I'm going to have to make a whole new life for myself without him. I don't want to date. I want to heal. I want to go out, socialize with people and be independent.

I am trying to find a new therapist, and that's proving to be difficult. I NEED a new therapist to help me through this.

AND, we're approaching winter. I am worried that I will be lonely and depressed. I think I am already depressed and even that is making me more sad. I can't and won't go back to him, but what am I facing in my present and future seems dark.

I feel very alone.

Every time you think about him put a STOP sign in your head, and keep repeating it. Remember this every time he badmouths you to someone, he is showing others what kind of a person he is. They aren't thinking (like he hopes) that YOU are a terrible person, they are thinking.....what kind of a guy he is to be so disrespectful. In other words, it backfires on him and he doesn't realize it.

I understand your fear of being alone, that is what kept me in an abusive marriage for 31 years.....and I also had the fear of abandonment. I started out life without a father (met him when I was 32).......It might help to keep a journal; write all of your feelings and thoughts.......I wrote a long letter to the x .....it was helpful.

Sign up for meetups. Put a search for social meetup for women only. You won’t have time to be lonely. I don’t have time or energy to do it often but if I wanted to I’d be out twice/three times a week between different groups. Good way to meet new friends and explore things or just be social

Great point!!!!! Thanks for your advice!!

Thanks - I do keep a journal but not of my own thoughts and feelings lately. I will try this.

I will… in time. I need time to heal first before I can become sociable and meet new people.

Hey HaveHope, it sounds like it's rough right now.

I relate to a lot of what you post, most recently about having become isolated. It's weird how that just happens over time. I've never had good relationships with my family of origin, and his crabby attitude made our friends slowly pull away. You wake up one day and think - what happened here?

Not sure if you can relate to this, but as I've detached from my DH and his issues, he often times seems to be doing things that are an attempt to be provocative - for example, I walk by his chair and he's texting on his phone or looking at some article, and he will turn the phone away like he's being secretive. The first thing I ask myself now is of it feels like he's doing something to be emotionally manipulative. If the answer is yes, it makes it easier for me to insulate myself and not respond to it in any way. This can also be things like compliments or trying too hard to be friendly toward me- or even just being too pushy to engage. Basically anything that feels weird and not genuine. Anything that feels like he's trying to get something out of it. I realize that he may be doing a lot of things for his own sake, with no regard to me, but my reactions historically still make it something he gets that reward for in an emotionally manipulative way. It stinks, but I've found it helpful to think that way, to keep him in his place, and also keep me in my own lane.

Stay strong, I know its really hard.

I thought that would prevent you from feeling lonely. In my group many women joined after widowhood and divorce to seek company of other women. It’s not like socializing in a bar. Could be a quiet lunch on Sunday with other ladies or a movie. Not a wild stuff. You could heal with other women in the same boat.

I worry that feeling lonely will push you back into his arms. And if you keep company with the same people it’s only a matter of time before you run into him dancing in a bar and he starts flirting etc snd you’ll be right where you started.

Sooner you find new group of women better you’d be. Of course just my opinion.

Thanks so much for your reply. I don’t really have to deal with my husband right now since he’s out of town for 3 more days. We’re barely speaking and only about necessary topics. When he returns it’s going to be very difficult sharing a space with him while being separated. I just need him to start moving as soon as he gets back.

But yes, I can relate to the emotional manipulations. They sicken me.

I’m too depressed. I don’t feel like socializing except for with my good friends.

I get it. I thought maybe in the future to help you feel less lonely. It’s not easy

I just told him he has serious anger problems, that there is something wrong with him and that he is NOT ok. Then I blocked him.

Sounds like you know what you need to do.

I feel like an as*. I jumped all over him yesterday, letting out my anger on him, telling him I don't believe anything he tells me, and then finally blocked him. He's trying to be all nicey nice and pretend like he's all innocent, downplaying all the fights he picked with me AND the insults.

I already know that the less contact the better. He returns tomorrow night from California. I am anticipating that the next few weeks of living with him is going to be a nightmare. I have no other place to camp out for three weeks. I am really in for a helluva ride the next coming weeks. This is going to royally suck.

How am I going to survive this next period of time???

Can you stay at your moms?

I can probably go to her place on the weekends.

During the week, make plans away from your home as much as possible. It is far less painful to go to a movie alone than it is to be in the same place as someone you don't want to be around. When you need quiet time, libraries, museums and art galleries tend to be very peaceful places. Pet adoption places sometimes need volunteers to walk and play with animals, especially in the evenings. And dogs dont expect too much serious conversation about life.

I'm not a fan of avoiding things, but in some cases, it's the only option. You'll get through it and be stronger on the other side.

Thanks and good advice. I can also disappear into my room and close the door.

It’s just going to suck no matter what. I wish I didn’t have to deal with this.

A man contacted me on Facebook for a date after seeing my “separated” status. I talked to him a bit because I felt lonely. Stupid and bad I know. We just talked. Then I said I wasn’t interested after learning we’re totally incompatible. But the whole thing was depressing, ie, eventually facing the dating world again.. ugh.

Suggestion: Take this time to “find yourself” again. Don’t jump into trying to date again for a while. You know that old saying about not making any big decisions while you’re depressed? There’s a great deal of wisdom in that.

My situation is different; my husband died. But you are going through your own kind of grief process. I have taken this last year (plus) just as time to honor my grief, figure out who I am without my husband of 34 years, and get comfortable in my own skin in this new “normal.” It would be a mistake for me to even try to be in a new relationship yet; I am not ready. One day maybe, but I am discovering that I am pretty comfortable single at this point.

Tighten up your privacy settings on your social media and settle in for an adjustment period. Grief is a normal response to your loss. People grieve even at the loss of bad relationships.

When you are ready, start small and with activities and people that are healthy and not full of “mess”. When you are comfortable and content on your own, you’ll discover your new relationships will be healthier.

Keep your boundaries and best of luck as you move forward.

Great advice, and I will.

I was only just talking to a guy, not planning on meeting him or dating him.

I know I need this time to myself to heal... and to find me again. The me who had sacrificed so much of myself to be in this relationship - there are many things I stopped doing that I love doing, so I want to get back into all that I used to be into. I need this. AND I do not need a man to mess with my life in any way right now. I want quality "ME" time.