I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

He told me yesterday that he signed the divorce paperwork. Then he told me I am irreplaceable and that it's very difficult living without me. Which tells me that he IS likely trying to replace me with someone and quickly. I've heard countless stories of narcs moving on really fast to another person, for more supply. So I am sure he is on dating sites or what have you. I still felt a tiny tiny twinge of like - oh, so you're looking for someone. But ultimately, it's OK. I don't actually mind that much if he's dating or seeking companionship. I know what it's about and I know it's about gaining supply. And I know he will treat the next person the same exact way. He'll be charming in the beginning and will love bomb them like crazy, then slowly over time his facade will drop and his mask will fall off. Then he will reveal his true self - once the woman has already committed to him. I know the drill.

Yes, all the experts say to not date for a year, especially recovering from a narcissistic abuse relationship. They say to become indifferent to them. Your thinking about what he is doing now is the opposite of indifferent.

Him saying things to me make me think of these things. I’m not thinking about it otherwise.

I do feel much more indifferent to him. He doesn’t cross my mind very much at all through most days.

If he can say something to you and it ruins your day or causes your emotions to change for any noticeable amount of time, he is in control of something. Indifference is no emotion. If he speaks to you and it causes anger, that's not indifference. If he finds another woman and it causes jealous feelings, that's not indifference. If his actions (not responding to a text) causes frustration, that's not indifference.

I've learned that healing is about the damage caused. Indifference is about the scars that are left behind, accepting them and knowing you can't change how the scars came to be you can only change how the scars affect you. And not letting them affect you allows you to be indifferent.

I hope that you focus on your relationship with yourself. From an outside perspective, saying your choice to relax vs drinking on NYE was lame and kicking yourself for being taken in by promises are forms of self criticism and self punishment. You don't deserve to be criticized and punished.

I am not a robot or a machine with no feelings and no emotions. I don't understand how it cannot effect me in any way when he's being manipulative, passive aggressive or is gaslighting me. Of course I'm going to get angry and react inside. I am an emotional, feeling type of person. Indifference in that way seems impossible & unrealistic - at least for me. I don't think it has anything to do with my healing. It's that he triggers me, and I need to steer clear of communications with him. I am better off when we're not communicating.

Good post. I’d say though that full indifference might not be attainable. I usually get along with my ex husband just fine, but there were few times over the years when he pissed me off. We divorced many years ago and obviously have no interest in each other, yet I can’t say that we can’t possibly affect each other on some occasion in some ways by things we say or do. I think it depends.

Choosing to relax on holidays is a good choice imho. Not lame. In my books drinking is more lame but I know it’s not a popular opinion. I agree that self criticism isn’t needed. Self acceptance is a healthier choice. Not easy though

It’s normal to feel certain way when people say things that aren’t pleasant

Even Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper bragged about a no-booze NYE.

I agree that full indifference is not attainable. And thank you for the validation, divine.

I also know I can be very hard on myself. I’m vowing to be easy on myself and more accepting and forgiving.

I believe you one of my brothers is like this.

I am SO lucky and I feel SO blessed.

I left him before he could destroy me and before he could discard me for another woman. I read countless stories of this exact scenario on my Facebook abuse groups.. of the infamous "discard" that occurs with narcs, even after telling you that they love you and can't live without you, and just a mere week later, they leave you for another woman. I am so lucky that this did not happen to me. I am SO lucky that I had the fortitude to call it quits before he could seriously hurt me again. Because a discard of that nature would have ruined me, and I know this. He almost did it once before with his female co-worker, whom he was grooming as new supply.

I feel awful for these women who have been discarded. I really don't think I could have survived that. When my ex fiance told me that he loved his other fiance more than me, it took me two full years to get over it and past it. TWO years, and we were only together for ONE year. I was devastated and full of rage towards him over that alone. I had helped him in so many different ways, and for him to say that to me, was just he cruelest thing he could have ever done. I was used and abused then discarded. And he was a narc too, I do believe.

If I had been discarded again by my husband, my mental health would have downward spiraled.

So, I keep thinking how lucky and truly blessed I am to have left him first. He told me I ghosted him. Well, I pretty much did. I abandoned him in a time of need. But I do not regret it, because I was saving myself, and that was more important to me than holding his hand through the loss of his mother. I finally showed myself self care and self love by doing so.

I am proud of myself for this.

It was a smart move.

Ghosting? Ghosting would be if you provided silent treatment, left without warning and didnt answer his phone phone calls. You told him you didnt want to be married, explained why and you continued communicating (even though you weren’t required). That’s not ghosting

Ghosting is what HE told me I did. But I mainly agree with you.

I know! That’s why I am saying how is it ghosting? It’s not.

Lol - I hear you! He’s full of exaggerations and lies.

Sometimes all we need is a little bit of a positive attitude and faith to get us through the difficult times and the courage to have the strength to walk away.

100%!!! 🤗🙂

I quit smoking yesterday. YAY! And soon I will join the YMCA so I can swim in the morning before work starts. I want to get back into shape and lose 10 more pounds. I've lost 9 pounds already since leaving my husband. I am eating better, and am taking care of myself better. I am SO happy to finally be doing things for myself that have long been neglected.

He wasn't healthy for me physically either. He encouraged me to eat junk food. He encouraged me to smoke cigarettes. Yes, he actually did. And, I could never do any physical exercise with him. So, now that he's gone, I can do whatever I want and make some much needed healthy changes.

I am so happy to hear!

Thanks so much @Bill3!

On a separate note, I am pissed about the lawyer I had to hire to mediate my divorce. It's my husband's friend, #1, and #2, this man is a sleaze. He hired hookers behind his wife's back, my husband told me, and he cheated on his wife with multiple hookers. He and his wife separated for that reason, then got back together and I believe that he still cheats on her.

I am disgusted by this. But I had no choice. I could not afford a lawyer of my own or a different mediation lawyer who would have charged $1000 more. Plus, my husband would have given me a very hard time over it and it would have dragged out the divorce.

So, we get a discounted divorce fee with a sleazebag.

I am going to his office today to sign the divorce paperwork. I am taking my version with me and will double check everything before I sign. I am going to be super cautious here.

And please do not give me crap about having hired him. I don't need to hear negativity. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You won't get a hard time from me, you've hired whoever you can

My advice, regardless of who the lawyer is... READ EVERY WORD. If you don't know what something means, ask. That's why you are paying a lawyer.

It must be scary to not like the attorney. Take some time to fully understand what you are signing. Good luck.

Good luck take care of your mental health do something nice for yourself.

Sounds like you have some great goals