I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

However, I am very happy to report that I am doing a lot of self care and I am being my own best friend. I’ve been taking walks, seeing friends, going out on my own, took a girls trip with mom and I’m getting a foot massage with my sister today. I’m trying to avoid too much time together in the apartment and am doing my own thing independent of him.

I feel good, and I feel stronger. There is a growing sense of inner peace and happiness that I haven’t felt in a very long time. This is truly the best path, I feel resolute and I am looking forward to quality me time and a healthier path for myself.

And, now that I have said that, he is trying every cutesy stunt to get me to love him again.

Last night he was trying to get me to laugh, and I did laugh before I could realize what was happening. And this morning he said, I think you want to snuggle with me but say that you can't.... I had to cut him off and tell him, no I do not.

So, now this is what I am facing - him trying his best to get me to fall in love again.But don't worry... I won't fall for it. He was able to get me to laugh, but I know where I stand and I stand firm.

I guess my telling him I have no feelings left lit a fire under him. He’s moving out in one week! So. I don’t have to deal with this for the next 3 weeks like I thought. Oct 18 is when the movers come.

He came home from work and just talked at me for a half hour. All about his thoughts, his feelings, moving details, and about us. I let him go on and I just listened. Then he was done and he went downstairs.

I am exhausted from the interactions. I cannot always be on guard and ready to give him my defense or walls. We had to talk moving details and splitting things up.

File for divorce. I’d not be discussing splitting anything yet. What are you planning on splitting, like furniture? I’d not do any of it yet. Are you hiring a lawyer?

We already have a divorce agreement, the same one that we were going to use the first time we separated. I am not using a lawyer this time. The lawyer I had already had reviewed and edited the agreement. It will be exactly the same. We are deciding between ourselves what goes with him and what stays with me. I really don't need a lawyer in order to file for divorce. It's an uncontested divorce, and we will file jointly.

It’s easy then. He doesn’t need much while living in some temporary location. I am just thinking of ways to minimize interaction at the moment . He’s very skillful in keeping you hooked with endless back and forth with daily unnecessary discussions.

When he’ll move out you’ll still be having daily conversations about bills or moving or divorce. He’ll make sure you two keep constantly talking. There’s not much to discuss. Keep to a minimum. “Movers are coming at 8am. I am taking spare bed and my clothes. We’ll discuss division of other possessions later”. Maybe he needs some forks. Can get plastic utensils for now

Hey @Have Hope I have been away but wanted to share something I looked up when you mentioned support groups.
Free Support Group | Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Online

I dont know how they work or have experience but its a start

Thanks so much @sarahsweets! And nice to see you again on here.

PS: I joined 3 of the groups you sent me from the link!

He will do as many trips as possible between our place and his new place to bring other belongings that will not go with the movers. He aims to have everything out by Nov 1. Bills are all in my name, so that's easy.

Have Hope you deserve to be happy and get a wonderful partner to replace him

Thanks so much!!

I read texts between he and his friend. His friend says that my husband doesn’t deserve the treatment I show him and that I should own up to my issues and work on them.

So naturally, he’s flipped the script - he’s the victim, I’m the villain, and he’s a saint.

I want to send his friend screenshots proving that it’s my husband, not me. Should I?

Will you have contact with his friend, after your husband is out of your life?

No, I will not, unless I bump into him socially.

Some people even when they are shown evidance, still don't think what is in front of their eyes is true

So if you won't have anything to do with that friend, it might not be worth the energy to show him all the evidance etc

Thank you - that is a very wise statement and I think you are likely correct.

It could also make me look bad somehow, or he’ll find a way to make me look even worse.

One day he'll be caught out and never be trusted again, even without you exposing his lies, and when it happens, he won't be able to wriggle out of it

For example: imagine one day him telling a lie to law enforcement and they catch him out and he gets into trouble with a law enforcement

Like if he lies on oath in a court, then gets proved to be lying

I’d not worry what he tells his friend. I’d be concerned if these are mutual friends or coworkers or people you need to associate with. Then it’s a problem.

If it’s someone he confides in (even if his perspective is completely incorrect) on a personal level, he kind of has rights to do so. Not defending him but we all biatch and vent to our best friends and family members about things that bother us, right or wrong. He could vent.

It’s not going to look good if you contact his friend. Like if a friend told me her husband is a jerk, but then that husband read our texts and contacted me saying he has evidence that he’s not a jerk but she is. I’d probably laugh and block him. Like there’s no need to do that.

Don’t worry what he does or says

Did your ex give you permission to read his texts to his friend?

As for trying to prove you are right and your husband is wrong, the revenge satisfaction wont last. Don't let righteous indignation get in your way of finding happiness.

He has given me permission many times. He’s handed his phone over to me before. This time, I went in on my own. I wanted to know what he was up to and if he is lying to me. I proved he is full of lies, which I knew but just needed more confirmation.

And, I know you’re right. You have excellent advice and perceptions of things.

He is gaslighting me about what I found in his phone. He is trying to claim that I am making it into something it is not - unbelievable. I read his friend's message with my own two eyes and took screenshots of their messages. His friend point blank said "I wish she would just admit to her issues and work on them with you" as well as "you deserve far better than how you've been treated in a crisis. It's not Ok what she says to you".

I love how I'm the villain, and he's the victim. Classic narcissistic abuse maneuver.

I’d not worry about what he and his friend say in their private texts. It’s not relevant to your life as you are divorcing and you can’t stop him from saying whatever he wants in private. If it becomes some type of public or employment issues then go through lawyers. Otherwise who cares. Honestly when people fight and especially ending a relationship/marriage, it’s typical to blame someone else and vent with friends. It does not really matter