I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

But it VEXES me to no end!! It's all a LIE and he has twisted the truth around to make me look like the a-hole and him, the innocent victim! It's NOT right - it's SO wrong and it's unjust. I hate injustice, especially when it's done to me.

I understand. It’s just nothing you can do. I’d be livid if someone tried that with my friends and my family or my coworkers and trying to ruin my life in ruining my reputation. If it’s talking to his own friends though, it’s not really injustice as it’s private between them. I don’t know what people talk about in private. Sometimes it’s better not to know.

You can’t control his private conversations. As hard as it is, let it go. Stop defending yourself. You don’t need to defend yourself. You know your reality. It probably doesn’t match up with his perception of things, but it NEVER will. That’s a battle you’ll never win, so walk away from it. At some point you have to have faith in your own good sense and truly walk away from the “need” to be right, to engage in useless arguments about who is right or wrong. Disengage from his pull on you; re-engage in faith in yourself.

Yeah, you're both correct @divine1966 and @ArtleyWilkins... thank you. I needed to hear these things. I do have a tendency within me that needs to be right and win over an abuser. But it's a losing battle, and the way I know I truly win is by walking away and by disengaging from the arguments, from the toxicity of it all and from any battles.

If he's saying stuff to anyone that will affect your life, then you'd be able to pass that onto the lawyers, private conversations they can't do anything about though

I actually don’t have a lawyer. I’m not using one since we have the paperwork almost done and just need to complete financial statements and file.

He cannot move out fast enough - he attacked me first thing this morning. He was all over me about this, that and the other, which totally impacted my mood just upon waking up. He said he can change. BS. Once again, I'm hearing this. He said our therapist tells him that he has a "condition" - yeah, that condition is called narcissism!

He's such a total pri*ck. Everything can be smooth and fine one minute, and then contentious and antagonistic the very next - that is exactly what this marriage was like. I am SO done with him and with his sh*it.

I wouldn't; it just keeps the drama going.

He won't leave me alone. And, it's impossible to ignore him while we still live together. This SUCKS.

Hopefully when he moves out, you will be able to maintain no contact. In my experience, low or minimal contact isn't enough. Unfortunately, since I have children, I have to have some contact with a narcissist. My therapist helped me set extremely firm boundries (aka the rules of contact).

There were certain behaviors like name calling that were problematic. I made a rule that we could only use our actual names when speaking to one another about anything or talking about one another in front of our children (your father/mother was ok for use when talking to the kids). I know he called me a bunch of different names in front of other adults. His sister actually called him out on that in public and told him I was a better person than he was because I never called him anything but his first name or family name (like Joseph/Joe or JP).

If a boundry was crossed, I shut it all down completely and told him all contact needed to be done with a mediator (free service in my county). He hated going to mediation meetings because they were documented for the court which benefitted me and not him.

It's worth trying to set some rules of contact. The worst that can happen is it doesn't work and things stay the way they are for a few weeks. All the best to you. I hope you are focusing on self care and finding happiness.

The irony of attacking you so as to claim that he can change!!

Hang in there Have Hope!

Wow - how tough that must be.

Once mine is fully moved out, there will be no need for any contact except for about divorce details. I am managing to take care of myself and am keeping my wits about me through every manipulation on his part. So that’s good at least. I feel I am on the path to far greater happiness. And that’s a great feeling.

I know, right?!?!? The irony!

Sometimes that’s why it’s good to have a lawyer. Every piece of communication would go through them in situations where drama involved . If there is no way you can get a lawyer, then communication needs to be in writing in email like “bill is due”. Emails is a good way to keep track too. No verbal conversations

Yeah. I cannot afford a lawyer whose fees are $400 per hour.

I can't find a suitable smilie, was looking for what you can picture him as being if he was a smilie

Every time you think about him, Have Hope, imagine his face as the poop emoji

Is there a way of getting financial help there for a lawyer? I'm not sure how the legal system works over there

I really don’t need a lawyer. It’s an uncontested jointly filed divorce.

The poopy emoji fits!! Lol.

Or maybe the poopy face emoji would be offended at getting compared to him

I went out on my own last night to see some music, and he wouldn't stop texting me. I believe he wanted me to be thinking about HIM while I am out on my own. having a good time. I didn't answer except to let him know I was fine driving home.

There's an app to stop the annoying disturbance. It works like do not disturb or airplane mode but only for the numbers you tell it to temporarily block. You can add and remove numbers as needed. Calls and texts are filtered out from blocked numbers and stored in the app instead of your phone.
Super easy and is one of those no contact boundry defense tools that make modern life manageable

You do not need to inform him that you are fine driving home. It would be ok under normal circumstances of a married couple but it’s not needed under the circumstances going through divorce and him creating obstacles. I assume you are regularly driving around so it’s not like you never drove before or you drove sick baby to the hospital. You went out. Not a life altering event when he has to be in a loop. He’s trying to stay relevant and you keep being hooked. If it’s not about signing divorce paper, no need to read or respond to his texts

Best not to respond at all to him, the more you respond the more he will contact you

its proof that if you was really so terrible (as per his texts to his friends) he wouldnt be wanting to contact you, the fact he's contacting you is proof that he was talking crap to his friend

He doesn't seem to know what part of the anatomy does what - crap is not supposed to come out of the mouth

Thanks, guys. I think no contact will be easier after Tue once the movers come and most of his stuff is gone. He will have to do some additional trips after that so I will have to deal with coordinating those with him, but once he’s no longer sleeping in the same home I think it will get easier - I hope.

*sends Have Hope the ideal man*

ready for when the divorce is done and your ready for someone new