Grieving my marriahe

Those around you see you as a far better and worthier person than your wife says you are.

I'm so happy to read your report. Thank you so much for letting us know!

Good, positive day yesterday.

Hard one today.

Having a hard time not pandering and begging her to come back.

She continues to mishandle things with the kids and the distance between her and them continues to increase.

She blames me for it, meanwhile the kids are saying things like, "I understand why you get so frustrated because she doesn't listen or apologize or anything."

Oldest said, "You were always the buffer to keep things smooth."

I still very much miss my wife, meaning I miss the person she used to be and the glimpses I get on occasion.

Hard day.

The glimpses you are experiencing can be breadcrumbing. It is meant to get you confused and keep you in the loop in a relationship. You are lucky that your kids know you are the good parent here.Sometimes the other parent successfully paints the good parent as being the bad one .In those scenarios kids can't get any help from good parent as they believe the smear campaign and stay away from the good one.Here your kids will be better off with you. Hang in there.

I'm going back through my texts, emails, and my diary entries.

I just really hit a point where I refused to accept more blame from her. And she was having real memory gaps, blaming me for gaslighting her for things she didn't remember, and was hiding away in our room for hours at a time on the phone.

And I am STILL wondering what I could have done different, done better, etc.

Our oldest took a lot of anger from his mom. A lot more than I knew. He was at a point that if he wasn't supported he was ready to enlist into the regular forces just to not live at home anymore.

I hate this all so much.

Try not to beat yourself up for not seeing the gravity of the dysfunction sooner. All you can do is move forward from where you are now and assure both your sons you are there for them and listening.

As I mentioned before, your wife has become an alcoholic and part of that disease is denial along with defending by pretending not to remember and also playing the victim. It’s a very narcissistic disorder and some get mean when they drink. Also part of the failure to remember can be due to drinking so much that she blacks out. People can function in a blackout and have no memory to very little memory of this blackout period.

Open Eyes, I still struggle with seeing her as an alcoholic.

I think because, in my prior experience, heavy drinkers drank to get drunk.... Oftentimes falling down blackout drunk.

I've never seen that with my wife. She has a regular intake of wine spread across hours. If a wine bottle is 5 drinks, she would have 5-6 drinks, sometimes more, spread across 8 hours or more. She said it took the edge off chronic nerve pain.

The amount of alcohol per hour meant she was never drunk.... Less than one drink per hour. But it's all day.

I never viewed it for what it was, I guess.

Did I alert her it was a lot? Yes
Did she say numerous times she would quit? Yes
Did she? No
Did she become defensive if that was pointed out? Yes
Did I raise concerns that the steady mix of depressant and antidepressants was a concern? Yes.
Did I raise a concern it could be causing other health problems she had? Yes.
Did she drink more than I was aware? Probably.
Did she understate how much she drank? Yes
Did she have other options for pain control? Yes

Do I have a concern that the alcohol and medication, or the cumulative effect of the alcohol contributed to memory gaps? Oh yes

Do I think she got blackout falling down drunk? No, I
Know she didn't.

RDM

I too had to learn more about alcoholism and how the body gets addicted to where a person has to consume or begins to experience withdrawals. Yet also the mood swings and the behavioral loops. Being in a good mood and then how the personality would change. Both my husband and my father were binge alcoholics.

It’s not just physical numbing, instead it’s emotional numbing and as a self medicating antidepressant and to reduce anxiety. The thing about wine is that it’s faster acting where it’s absorbed in the esophagus and gets to the brain faster while other alcohol like vodka and whiskey are slower as hard liquor needs to get absorbed by the blood stream before reaching the brain.

Over time it takes a toll on the body and brain and can cause liver damage. The fact that your oldest got help and learned about it is very telling. He should not have to live with the instability that made him reach out for help. It’s traumatizing to live with a parent that can become so unstable due to alcohol abuse. A person doesn’t have to be a falling down drunk. Most actually function while consuming.

Over 15 million Americans suffer from daily alcoholism RD, you are not alone in your confusion and broken heartedness and your sons need your support as they are too young to know how to emotionally understand it.

I met my wife in college. She was way beyond my level of dating. She was way more attractive and way more academically accomplished than me and belonged to a different level in society, so to speak. And she was humble. I remember the first time I told her she was beautiful. She blushed and became this endearingly awkward goofy creature. There was nothing pretentious in her. She made money babysitting and she'd be tanned and dirty from playing in the park with two little boys all day. I remember the first time I made her laugh hard and she snorted then HOWLED with laughter because she had been trying to hide it from me that she snorted when she laughed. And she was this really good kid who would walk across town with either of her parents in baggy jeans and a tshirt and be completely unaware of how unbelievably gorgeous she was. The college would have days where they introduced elementary kids to the campus, and it was like she was oblivious to other people, she'd just be with the kids, sitting on the floor with them at their level.

Guys didn't ask her out because they all thought she was out of range.

And I went for it. I was a farm boy working my way through college building houses and driving dump trucks. And she liked that I was strong and that I looked out for her and that I was respectful to her. I remember driving in my old truck, and Johnny Cash, "If I was a Carpenter" came on the radio in a McDonald's drive thru and she looked at me and said, "I would, you know. I'd marry you and have your children."

She had so many academic options and big money job options after graduation, she was recruited for work for years after graduation, but she knew she didn't want to work for too long. She wanted a family and wanted time at home. But first, she financially supported me through a 2nd degree.

20+ years later and she's still effortlessly gorgeous. Needs 20 min to get ready and leave. People who meet her often assume she's in her mid 30s though she's over 45. I've never been able to stop myself from just staring at her. She hit the genetic lottery. There's a reason my kids are so freakishly strong and tall.

And tonight, my oldest said he hopes we end up in family court, because he wants everyone to know how abusive she was with him during her low periods. He had example, after example, of horrible things she said to him, belittling and berating things, isolating things she did when he was a little boy. He collapsed to the floor crying yelling at me not to touch him.

What happened?

She's screamed at me for years that I'm toxic and destroying her. But with her not here the place is lighter. The kids are happier. My relationships with them are wonderful, and I'm thankful for lots of other good friendships and relationships too.

I'm still wondering, did I make her into what she is now? I believe my kids more than my own memories, but it's still so hard to reconcile how this deeply beautiful person became this.

My heart aches reading what you posted.Hugs.

You idolized her and put her on a pedestal. Sometimes people have side to them that can be cruel and selfish.

The fact that your sons are telling you about how abusive she was means there was a toxic side to her. Children don’t make abuse stories up. It’s your responsibility as a parent to listen to them and take steps to protect them.

It can be devastating to learn someone we loved so much has an abusive side to them.

Hey, thanks for sharing those personal memories with us, it’s very understandable you’ve got the mixed feelings you have.

I (or anyone on here) can’t tell you what happened when or why within your family life, it’s likely extremely complex, it’s possibly something that was already there (but not apparent) when you met your wife, but you can only deal with things as they come one step at a time. Try not to reproach yourself, keep your energy for the day you face today, you can’t change the past only the present.

Yes, doing a post-mortem.... I guess now isn't the time.

I have a few people around me who are jumping to my defense but I actually don't want them to. I don't hate her. This would be easier if I was angry, I think.

I loved her so much for so many years.

Hugs to you, RD.

I am also one who remembers my husband so much differently than he is now- and the confusion that goes with it. Looking back I see hints of less good qualities, but everyone has flaws, right? It's as though all the terrible parts of him grew and drowned out the better parts. It's so hard to say what has happened.
Most days I wonder if he was always a jerk and I compensated for him, or if something else is going on.

I'm curious when you first started seeing changes in your wife. For my husband, it was when DD first started showing signs of autonomy (around 3 yo, but that was 18 years into our marriage) but not off the rails til she finished elementary school. Don't know if that's coincidence to another illness, or something in him got triggered. (Childhood trauma?)

Codependency work helps. In some ways I feel like I'm falling in love with myself for the first time ever. It's sad at my age, but hey...

I often say I feel like a salt shaker who's incomplete without a pepper shaker. I want to be part of a pair, but then that makes me feel codependent in some ways. It's great to be part of a pair, but important to be okay as an individual unit.

Hurting for you. Good days and bad days... At least you have your kids.

Thanks ArmorPlate180. I'll dwell on the salt shaker analogy.

I like being partnered. Increasingly though I did have to give away more of myself to remain partnered.

My wife's physical illness progressed from 2013 to 2017, then she had a respite, then progressed again from 2018 to late 2021.

Along the way she lost work and education opportunities. I can look back and see the progression of profound depression in her. I remember really, really extending myself with Gottman style counselling for two years and almost breaking from it. The more I tried to "feel" her the lower I became in my own thinking. At some point I had to put up boundaries to keep us all afloat. I swear, by immersing my self in her feelings and trying to connect with her I almost broke. Her depression lows came out as bitter anger at me too.

I also know she didn't commit to counselling, medication, and lifestyle changes that she had to for her health and mental health. Pain and state of mind was self medicated with a steady trickle of wine. Steadily consuming a depressant and antidepressants and anti anxiety meds couldn't be good.

The point where things really began to change was during the first covid shutdown, which was when I became aware of how little she was doing. At the same time, the kids began to speak up against her for her constant anger at me and for just not being around. I ultimately said, you can deny these things happened when speaking to me, but you can't deny it to the kids. Please go to counselling with them, or us all in family counselling.

That set this all in motion. Having expectations of her. She needs unconditional love and acceptance. Having expectations or simply saying, That's not ok, the kids hear that language from you; that's not ok, that much wine will hurt you, started the downfall.

Yes, I'm codependent.

RDMercer

Your wife was drinking alcohol, taking xanex and antidepressant meds. That’s very bad! Plus she has been encouraged to blame you and develop a victim mentality by these other women.

It is very hard to deal with people having victim mentality.

RDMercer, in even skimming your posts I felt so moved. As if I was reading a novel since you have been posting longer than I. And like some novels, I had to pause and skip to the end to see what the character is doing now. Lol. I will read more in depth.
But this post really resonates with me like as if I wrote it.
I see your longing. I can tell how you have worked with everything in you to work it out with your wife.

No matter what happens for you, you need to know that you are valuable. There are few like you. Kindness and self responsibility and equal partnership are very hard to find. She should be fighting to keep you.
As my husband should me.
I am going back to read more of your story.
(Grins )

Thanks aBarryManilowsong.

I like that username.

Well.... This is difficult.

An attractive, intelligent woman has reached out to me to make sure I'm ok. She disclosed she went through a separation two years ago and she wants to support me.

I've known her through work for years, and met her husband numerous times. I had tried to support both of them in their careers. She ended up in a capacity where I talk to her, through work, about once a month.

Did I notice she was pretty? Kind of, much like I'd notice Henry Cavill is handsome. I'm married and have ALWAYS had strong boundaries up.

I have a huge network through work. I had tried to help her and her husband build professional connections when they arrived in this city about 7 years ago.

I have had absolutely ZERO unnecessary interactions with her over the years.

Then she called me recently, told me she knows I'm a good person, has seen me with my kids for years, knows I'm a devoted dad, told me I was the only one in her life that believed she was capable and could do more, that my support and being a reference on her applications got her started in her career. She said, You're smart RD, and a good dad, and looking after people matters to you, and you always try to find the balance between maintaining standards on the job and looking after the people around you and people see that.

Holy. Moley.

A female non relative under the age of 80 had something good to say about me, and has checked in everyday for a week. Possibly dropping hints... "Maybe we'll get a chance to talk after work sometime, I hope I get to meet your kids, maybe you could come over and meet my new dogs, maybe we could go out for a meal and talk about work and just talk."

Or I get a text on my work phone after hours that just says "hi".

My affection and positivity-starved codependent self ran all the way here to keep from interacting with her!

Because holy crap, is this ever flattering.

And acting on these immediate feelings is certainly a huge mistake.

RDMercer

The fact that other people including your sons see you as a good caring man that is struggling and being treated badly is important for you to pay attention to.

Your wife is not happy and no longer wants the marriage. Your wife has been consistently expressing that to you. You can’t fix or change her.

It’s nice that this other woman offered her support. Yet, you are a private person and taking her up on sharing your private problems can be risky, especially if she is a work college.

You're right, I absolutely am a private person. I recently asked for 3 days family leave to address and prioritize some things at home. My manager was dumbfounded. No one at work had any idea there were problems at home.

The other thing you shared about yourself is your ability to be “professional” in that your work is your work and your private life is separate.

Someone that embraces a victim mentality begins to expect people at work to cater to their personal struggles and even resent it if work colleges don’t cater to their emotional needs. Yes, people can be nice and friendly at work, but that doesn’t mean it’s suddenly ok to mix private issues with work colleges. Your marriage is your private business and not something a job or employers should be expected to work around.

Yes, because you have been an adult professional and just now asked for time off and that surprising your boss is a good sign that you have done well at keeping work separate. Your coworkers don’t need to know your private affairs.

There is nothing wrong with being a private person especially at work. People who share too much come across as having poor boundaries and being insecure with low self esteem.

All I'm saying is, an attractive woman paid me compliments and offered to be supportive and was suggestive of casually meeting outside of work.

I'm pretty beat down by life right now.

I'm thirsty for attention like I was walking across death valley. And an attractive age-appropriate woman paid me sincere compliments and asked for my time outside of work.

I'm codependent. I LIKE sharing my time with someone!

So, I'm just chilling here, on the Forum, instead of talking to her.

Just keeping my head in the right space, you know?

Yes ((RD)) I can hear that. You do need a live caring person you can talk to. It’s nice that this woman complimented you because your wife has been picking you apart, even making up things you never did. You do need an adult you can talk to.

I am not criticizing you for wanting that or needing that. My only warning is this be careful if this nice woman is a work college. You can meet her for dinner to socialize.

I think you may benefit by attending an alanon meeting. There will be people there that understand the loneliness you are experiencing. Also others who know what it’s like to have a partner that uses alcoholXanex to escape feeling and that s distant and can be condescending and moody.